Tolerance vs. Acceptance vs. Being Valued

[tdogg]

Couldn't find an existing thread (in the first 3 pages) that this topic seemed to fit, so thought I would start a new one...

Had training today on Sexual Harassment Prevention, which actually covered much more material than it sounds like. One area we talked about was diversity in the workplace. The teacher had a great slide titled "Value Diversity." In her words, tolerance is a bad thing - we all need to learn to value our differences. Differences being an inherent or learned characteristic or trait, skills, experience, problem solving methods, opinions, etc. The categories are far-reaching and extensive.

That got me thinking (and I know this has been discussed at length elsewhere in the forums in one way or another) asking for mere tolerance is limiting and demeaning. Being 'accepted' would I guess be okay and better than being 'tolerated.' But, being valued for all of who we are as individuals, well that is what we should ask for, expect and insist on nothing less than. We as humans need to feel valued, and this can be a reason why some stay in the closet - feeling undervalued (of course it can get worse). It's why I stayed in so long - I needed to feel not only loved by my family and friends, but accepted and yes, even valued - that they were proud of me.

Perhaps maturity is the ability to accept self-value and not that of anyone else. For me, that will be a life-long work in progress. Just those few words during an intense training period really hit home with me and got me thinking about this subject again. So, any ideas on how we go about gaining value instead of mere tolerance or acceptance?

[Vanessa White]

Hey Tdogg: I really enjoy exploring this topic, because it highlights what we want from others, but also, I think, is the evolution of how we come to terms with our own gay identities. I firmly believe that tolerance infers that we are people that are only being "tolerated", which I will always want much more than that from others. Acceptance infers that there is something to "accept", which, yea, I guess I could settle for that over tolerance at least. But, the favored level of understanding for me is valuing others and ourselves, and having others value us. How? I have been living my life as loud and proud as I can, because I believe that is the best way to help others value who we really are. They may experience some discomfort with my openness at times, but some eventually just figure out how to deal. Like my signature says, living in a full truth rather than a half truth. When I conduct trainings on the topic, I always emphasize that tolerance, and acceptance, are nice places to start, but not want I want myself or others to settle for. And, developmentally, gays and lesbians when we come to full self-determination are in a full sense of valuing ourselves, not just tolerating. Does all that make sense??

[Zerbie]

What Vanessa said. :tup:

Tolerating or accepting something kinda sounds like you didn't want to tolerate or accept it, but what a favor, you did it anyhow. :rolleyes: Like a woman I know said of someone, "Oh. . . well - we accept him. We accept him." And I got pissed off. Of COURSE we do, and the way she said it made me feel like she thought there was something weird and potentially unacceptable there that she was going to overlook. Ridiculous! But lightyears better than being spit on or the like.

How do we get others to value us? We don't. We can't make others feel, think, or do things. You live as an example and let them decide what to do with you, and you hope that they will at least respect and value your humanity enough not to harm, hurt, harass, whatever. MOST people, not being serial killers or total whack jobs, given the opportunity, will respect your basic humanity even if they have a screwed up concept of what "a homosexual" is. Most people WILL follow your lead if you are strong. Have positive expectations that people are going to be okay with who you are, and most WILL be. Expect to value THEM, first, and that sets a precedent which many will follow and return to you.

Actually *valuing*, deeply spiritually valuing someone, seems altogether too rare in society in general. In that sense, this question belongs to ANY forum. Do we value ourselves? Do we value our nearest ones, our partners, children, closest friends? Do we see them for who they are? Divinely, deep inside? Or do we lock them into patterns with our expectations and the things we demand or hope from them? The million-dollar question. Maybe more important than how do I get someone else to value me, is, how do I value someone else?

[Vanessa White]

I ponder this concept almost constantly, how much do I really value those that are closest to me in my life? I believe, on most days, I have true appreciation, admiration and full blown love for what each of my loved ones bring to my life. but, there are moments, days, times, when I am too busy trying to get my needs met (which realistically has to happen) and, as a result, if those valued people don't fit into what I need at that moment or on that day, I treat them in a way that isn't very respectful, valuable, loved. I really have been taking pause with that, because even though I am not a self-centered type of person, I feel self-centered when I begin to judge or view someone I love harshly because they aren't able to give me what I think I need from them at that given moment. I am a work in progress in that regard. Tonight, I am basking in how blessed I feel, with many of my loved ones on my mind that hold me in such regard, as I do them.

[tdogg]

Zerbie and Vanessa

You both are right on! We need to learn to value ourselves (love ourselves), so that we can value and love others, then others can feel more free to return the same. Thanks for adding so much to this thread and my thoughts.

We talked about the golden rule - treat others as you would have them treat you. But the teacher took that a step farther - treat others how you feel they wish to be treated. In other words, maintain that higher standard.

Z you are right, a person who truly values others is a rare find. And Vanessa, you hit home with your statement about viewing or judging someone harshly. When I find myself 'judging' another for whatever reason, it's like my own judgment comes back to me, which is good as it tends to 'wake me up.' I'm basically a very non-judgmental person but definitely not perfect.

Thanks for your posts ladies, it will give me some fuel for thought to get my morning started!

[Vortex]

Actually *valuing*, deeply spiritually valuing someone, seems altogether too rare in society in general. In that sense, this question belongs to ANY forum. Do we value ourselves? Do we value our nearest ones, our partners, children, closest friends? Do we see them for who they are? Divinely, deep inside? Or do we lock them into patterns with our expectations and the things we demand or hope from them? The million-dollar question. Maybe more important than how do I get someone else to value me, is, how do I value someone else?

I do not think I could possibly say it better, so I won't try. ;)