I think I am Scared

[Tennessee James]

Hello all,
My name is Tennessee and I am a Christian lesbian. I am out to all my friends but I dont have the heart to tell my family just yet. I think that is why I am making a big mistake in my life. Out of fear...of myself or my family I am not quite sure...I agreed to go to Liberty University this fall. I leave in 10 days for school and I am starting to panic.
My church (Knoxville MCC) says that I am like an ambassador up there. I told them "not exactly". When I go up there I will have to leave behind my friends and church family. I cant afford to get caught having any contact with people that are gay or even support the lgbt community. If they find out about me up there I know that I will be kicked out.
So far I have found nothing but discouragement from my friends on the decision to go to Liberty. Even a friend of mine who travelled with the freedom riders is telling me not to go but I just know that in my heart this is the right thing to do. I dont know what I am expecting to find up there...closed minds and hearts probably. I just have this thing in my gut telling me not to pass up this oppurtunity.
I know that when I do make it out of school I want to work with the rights activists here in Knoxville and see if I cant be of more help to young adults in my position here in a few years. I guess we will see...
Any advice on keeping my cover or any support you guys can offer would be great!
Thanks,
Tennessee James

[BruceChris]

Tennessee, It sounds like you are about to get involved in something that will be very complicated, and very stressful. I do not think that I could do anything like what you are going to try to do. I would get caught, or just get very lonely without any close friends, or support systems that I could trust. And as I understand it, so many of the conservative Christians that will be your fellow students would very likely go from being very supportive to very judgemental once they found out. But you know most of that.

On the face of it, you would seem to be faced with three very difficult choices. If you told your parents right away, everything would likely come to a crashing halt. If you tried to get through 4, or how many years of school, and got found out midway through, you would get kicked out, and maybe not even be allowed any transfer credits. And making it all of the way through would be the hardest of all.

I think that I should sign off now, and let some of our more thoughtful of our members post to your thread. Just remember that no matter how bad things may get, God still loves you, and you still have your whole life ahead of you.

Peace, and Much Love, BruceChris

[Jennifer5]

Welcome!

It sounds like you're in a very tough situation. Are you sure that you really want to go to that school? It's up to you, but it seems like it would be very hard to ever feel comfortable or safe there and I think that would be a very hard thing at a school.

What ever you decide though.. just know, that you will always have people who care about you here:love:

[Tennessee James]

Thank you both!
Yes I am very sure about my decision to go to school there. No worries, I just have to hold onto my faith and let God take it from there. I know that he will protect me always. I think that if I tried to do this without him is when I would really start to freak about all this.
Thanks Again!

[BruceChris]

Good Morning, Tennessee

I am a little curious about some apparent inconsistencies in what you seem to be telling us about your life. You say that all of your friends know, and yet your your parents don't. You say that you attend an MCC church, and that you are a PK, but that your father doesn't know that you have any connection with MCC? I am afraid that I am having an awful lot of trouble wrapping my head around that.

Hope to hear back from you soon, much Peace and Love, BruceChris

[suzer1013]

Hi Tennessee, and welcome! I'm not sure what advice I have for you that would be worth anything, or that would help at all. I guess I would have a hard time, too, choosing a place like Liberty University if I already knew I was gay and would have to live a closeted life while I attended. What were your reasons for choosing Liberty?

Since it's a little late to choose another school right now, if it were me, I would go for a year, but work on transferring to another school for fall 2007. I think it would be awfully hard to live a closeted life in such an environment.

But, good luck with whatever you decide to do! Blessings....

Susan

[Tennessee James]

Good Morning, Tennessee

I am a little curious about some apparent inconsistencies in what you seem to be telling us about your life. You say that all of your friends know, and yet your your parents don't. You say that you attend an MCC church, and that you are a PK, but that your father doesn't know that you have any connection with MCC? I am afraid that I am having an awful lot of trouble wrapping my head around that.

Hope to hear back from you soon, much Peace and Love, BruceChris

Ok Good Morning,
I just wanted to answer your questions first off because as hard as it is for you to understand how I do this you can imagine how difficult it is to pull off.
Now my friends are all people I went to school with and they all live 45 minutes away. That clears up any thing my parents would see at school. And if it so happens that any of them come to my house for an evening...they all know that my family doesn't have a clue about my being gay. They respect that and me enough to be sensitive around my family.
As for me being a PK and also going to MCC...
My dad is an Evangelist, he travels with our family business and preaches where ever they will listen. When they are out of town I go to MCCK very openly and regularly. When they are in town (3 months of the year) I fellowship with them at their Baptiat Church. One time my dad asked where I go to church when they are not around and I told tell him I went to a Methodist church in town.
I think that is the hardest lie I have had to tell my family since I came out over a year ago. I am praying for the day when I can finally tell them the truth. I just hope that day doesn't come for at least another four years (I definitely don't want them to find out from Liberty).

Thank You All!

[Zerbie]

Wow. Best wishes to you, whatever comes of this.

I'm a little confused too. . .your original post says "out of fear" you agreed to go to Liberty U, and that you think you are making a big mistake. Then a little later you say in your heart you know it's right - so I take it you still have very conflicting feelings about going there. Sometimes it seems like the right thing to do, other times it seems like the mistake of your life. Is that right?? :confused:

I think it's worth considering being open to other paths. . .perhaps as Suze suggests you might look at a transfer after a year to a place you would prefer. What are you most interested in studying? What schools that are friendlier offer the best training in those areas, schools that you could transfer to, if you wanted? That way, if School X has a great program in Such N Such, that could be the primary reason for your transfer. And it would still have the effect of putting someplace you would be more comfortable.

I'm very interested in the reasons you are going to Liberty and what you hope to get out of your 4 year education. Perhaps there is a place that could satisfy those academic and career callings where you would feel safer, and not have to risk losing the credits you worked and paid for at Liberty.

[Tennessee James]

As far as my feelings go on the topic of actually going to Liberty...
they tend to vary on the hour to hour. I want to go to Liberty because I know that it is the best for what I am studying. It will in the long run open many more doors for than even some ivy league schools could. I want to go there for plenty of good reasons and of course because with my family it is Liberty or no where. They view it as their choice not mine. If after a year I do transfer they will not help me pay for it and I will be forced to find more aid in that area. What you and the others suggest is fine in general but in this specific problem it is not that easy. You see all of my scholarships and money is wrapped up in Liberty. They recruited me for this school and I have no where else to turn. If after a year goes by and I just cant handle it I will figure something out about the money. I know God has placed me here for a reason...I dont know what that reason is yet but I have faith that his plans are bigger and better than mine.
I hope that answers your questions. I am happy to answer any others you have, all I ask is for prayer...

[Zerbie]

Okay, I wondered if that might be the case. Since it is, give it a go for a year and see how you are doing. If after you've been there a while things are simply not working out, you can look into other options then, as you say.

All the best! :pray:

[BruceChris]

G'morning to ya, Tennessee,

Hey, ya know why it is that cars have seat belts and airbags? It's kinda on the theory that when it comes to crashes, it's not if, but when. And if ya don't crash, so much the better. One thing that you know for certain is that if Liberty and your folks do find out, you are dead in the water with Liberty forever, and with your folks, for a very long time.

So I am proposing a two part plan. First, start a savings account somewhere, and put away as much as you reasonably can. If nothing else, make sure that you have enough to cover Greyhound and McDonalds to get you to somewhere that you have friends, somewhere where you can crash for a while, long enough to get back on your feet.

Second, you seem to be rather good at contacting sorta undergrond networks of different kinds, sometimes in different parts of the country. Now from what I understand, there are probably an amazing number of LesbiaNation types of Wymmen out there, and if you could find some of them, and cultivate their friendship, you might even be able to have a reasonably hassle-free transition pre-arrainged. Maybe this is what summer breaks are for. But of course, this would have to depend on your connections and people skills, not mine. And we all hope that, miracle of miracles nothing bad will happen.

P.S.: I just went back and re-read your last internal message to me. Looks like you already have a lot of these resources in place. (edit)
P.P.S: On second thought, you are already so well organized, you scare me a little :eek: :eek: :lol: :lol:

Any thoughts, additions or corrections, Zerb, Suz, Jen, anybody?

Peace and Much Love, Chris

[Tennessee James]

I was searching for something on www.liberty.edu and I came across this.
I think it might help a few people out there wandering what or why GLBT at Liberty must keep so quiet. I think the last paragraph on this page will be especially helpful...
May God Bless You and Keep You!

http://www.liberty.edu/studentaffairs/index.cfm?PID=1307

[NathanATX]

I was searching for something on www.liberty.edu and I came across this.
I think it might help a few people out there wandering what or why GLBT at Liberty must keep so quiet. I think the last paragraph on this page will be especially helpful...
May God Bless You and Keep You!

http://www.liberty.edu/studentaffairs/index.cfm?PID=1307

Both the dress codes for men and women state that modest dress is important. The women's dress code, however, offers this link to help define modest dress.

http://www.lastdaysministries.org/articles/uncoveringthetruthaboutmodesty.html

"Many of you may really feel convicted to change and wonder what you should do now, so I would like to give you a few words of simple advice before I close. First of all, go through your closets and drawers and pull out all of the clothing that obviously has to go-and get rid of it! Next, get in front of a full-length mirror, and try on the things that are questionable. Look at yourself from all angles using a hand-held mirror. Look at yourself close up and from far away and see what you "really look like" in the clothes you have been wearing. View yourself objectively, as if you were looking at someone else-and note what your first impressions are of "this person." Check for fit and transparency and get rid of anything that doesn't pass the test-this is no time to be sentimental! Finally, each day before you leave the house, do the "mirror check" on anything that hasn't previously been checked or if you have gained weight since last taking a look. You will be surprised to find that some of the things you were sure about won't pass the test. This will help you weed out your wardrobe as you go. Some of you may be afraid that if you do this, you'll end up with nothing left to wear! But just remember that the most important thing is to be obedient to God, even if it means having a very limited wardrobe. Besides, when you are all done with this project, you will become a much more careful shopper and end up being a better steward over God's money than you ever were before!"

It's like a scary version of "What not to wear!"

[NathanATX]

Reprimands and Consequences
http://www.liberty.edu/studentaffairs/index.cfm?PID=1378

1 Reprimand
Curfew violation (one additional reprimand for each half-hour late until 2:00 a.m.)
Late to Convocation (one additional reprimand for each 15 minutes late)

4 Reprimands + $10 Fine
Allowing unauthorized overnight visitor in residence room
Absence from required meeting
Disturbance/non-participation during Convocation
Dress/hair code violation: male or female
Failure to respond to an official call slip (for Student Affairs use only)
Horseplay (plus financial restitution)
Improper personal contact (anything beyond hand-holding)
Improper sign out
Missing Convocation
Music code violation
Outside residence hall after curfew
Residence hall disturbance/noise violation
Unauthorized borrowing (plus financial restitution)

6 Reprimands + $25 Fine
Attendance at a dance
Direct disobedience/disrespect
Disassembly or removal of residence hall furniture
Entering entryway of opposite sex on campus or allowing the same
Gambling
Improper social behavior
Possession and/or use of tobacco
Unauthorized room change

12 Reprimands + $50 Fine
Attendance at, possession or viewing of, an "R," "NC-17" or "X"-rated movie
Deception
Entering the residence hallway of the opposite sex or allowing the same
Entering the space above ceiling tiles
Out of residence hall overnight or substantial portion of the night without permission (after 2:00 a.m.)
Participation in an unauthorized petition or demonstration
Possession and/or viewing of sexually explicit material
Possession of a school key without authorization
Safety/security violation
Students of the opposite sex visiting alone at an off-campus residence

12-18 Reprimands + Corresponding Fine
Malicious horseplay/behavior (plus financial restitution)
Obscene, profane or abusive language or behavior

18 Reprimands + $250 Fine
+ 18 hours Disciplinary Community Service

Association with those consuming alcohol
Commission of a misdemeanor
Entering a residence hall apartment or quad of the opposite sex or allowing the same
Entering bedroom of the opposite sex on/off campus or allowing the same
Failure to properly identify oneself
Falsification of information on an official document
Racial harassment
Sexual harassment (i.e., unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors or other conduct or comments of a sexual nature)
Sexual misconduct and/or any state of undress
Threat to do bodily harm
Vandalism (plus financial restitution)

30 Reprimands + $500 Fine
+ 30 hours Disciplinary Community Service + possible Administrative Withdrawal. NOTE: For each accumulation of six or more reprimands after 30, an additional $150 fine will be assessed.

Abortion
Academic dishonesty
Assault/sexual assault (minimum two semesters out)
Commission/conviction of any felony
Failure of three Christian/Community Services without reconciliation
Illegal drugs-association/possession, use/distribution (minimum two semesters out)
Immorality
Involvement with witchcraft, séances or other occult activities
Life-threatening behavior or language to others or oneself (immediate removal/exclusion from campus and a minimum of two semesters out)
Non-participation/disruption/non-compliance (possible removal/exclusion from campus)
Possession or consumption of alcoholic beverages
Refusal to submit to an Alco-Sensor test and/or drug test as specified by the administration
Spending the night with a person of the opposite sex
Stealing or possession of stolen property (plus financial restitution; minimum two semesters out)
Two or more individuals of the opposite sex together in hotel/motel room without proper permission
Unauthorized possession/use of weapons

[NathanATX]

You want some serious practical advice? Become very comfortable lying.

You are going to have to create an entirely different persona. If you become "super spiritual" no one will supsect you. You will have to model the PERFECT student.

-Poofy hair
-Always wear long dresses
-very little makeup
-three inch heels--always
-be very formal with instructors
-Never touch boys
-Always be home before curfew
-If a boy asks you on a date, publicly insist that it be chaperoned
-Always do your homework
-Be condescending... in a sweet, Godly way of course, to other students... ones who are "less holy" than you
-Make a big deal out of the "confronting" students who mess up, like the honor code tells you to.

It's perfectly easy to survive Liberty unscathed. You will have to lie. You will have to deny yourself. You will have to judge others and not object when they are harshly punished.

--

I'm not trying to be mean. I want you to have a realistic idea of what to expect. Some students will be wonderful and loving. Others will be competitive. And others will be waiting for the first chance they get to expose "code-breakers."

Your best defense is a good offense. I hope you're a good actress because you're gonna have some drama. :)

[BruceChris]

It is a bit shocking that you can actually commit rape, or other felonies, and not get permanently kicked out. They did not have the forthrightness to actually admit to the existence of sexual orientation per se, but I see they do have a catch-all category of "Immorality"

While Nate's advice of never showing an interest in boys, it would probably be far more practical to make a point of doing it, ocassionally, but to make a point of being obvious about it, clumsy, and unsuccessful. And try to stay away from very shy guys and losers, because they will try to take you up on it!

Reguarding lying: I agree with Nate about playing a part, and lying about who you are, but you cannot do anything that you might get caught at. You are going to have to pretend to keep out of compromising situations with boys, and make sure to keep out of any with girls. If you are in an all girl space, always make sure that there are at least three of you there. (Except for roomy. Good luck there.) And remember, you don't even have "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to protect you here.

You are going to have to have friends that you can rely on to help you out, but you cannot tell any of them. And if you ever meet a young woman that you think may be lesbian, you should almost certainly STAY AWAY from her. In case of any misunderstanding, you will both go down. This may be one of the most difficult things that you will ever do. You will almost certainly have to stay away from any GLBT in the Lynchburg area, and if you wish to have gay friends, you would be wise to find a place out of state to do it in.

And oh, yeah, don't listen to me TOO much. I could have a PHD on paranoia, and you're just going to have to use your own good sense. Have fun, well no, we should probably mostly rule that out.

Peace, Love, and keep in touch, if you can find a safe terminal, Chris

[Jennifer5]

(I know I'm scared from what Nathan posted... I wouldn't last...I'd probably violate at least 15-20 of those rules with in the first month..)


Tennessee, I understand that you're in a very hard situation... and you're probably right that this college is better than none... :love:

[Jlkhollins]

I admire you for attending Liberty and hope it can offer you the best educaton possible. Thanks in part to Liberty and Thomas Road Baptist Church, the LGBT community here in Lynchburg is pretty well hidden. Although, with a lot of underground networking (which you seem to be talented at!) we can be found. And, I know for a fact that there are other LGBT students at Liberty, so take comfort in the fact that you will not be alone.

While you won't find a lot of LGBT support on the Liberty campus there are other avenues for you to meet like minded people. I am a grad student in counseling at Lynchburg and we have a GSA that meets every Wednesday night. There is support out there...it is just a matter of finding it.

Since I also live in Lynchburg, I've sent you my contact information through a private message. Feel free to contact me and I can help you become acclimated to the city. There is a wonderful church here in Lynchburg that a lot of the LGBT community attends...which may be another avenue to meet people.

Good luck at Liberty and stay safe!

[ixt]

Dear tennesse

I also get scared, but for different reasons and when I do this, is when I need to remeber God is in control, It is all his Plan and I need to hold on to my faith and hope and trust in him.

I have just recently been working my way back to God, jesus and the holy spirit and boi it is not easy. Well its only been two months that I have been working on this great puzzle, But a good friend of mine has taught me. when I am scared or unshure it is when I need most to call apon God and the holy spirit to guide me.

I do not know much it is so hard, but i know enough to say never give up trust in him and he will show you the way and always remeber no one can judge you but him. So hold on baby girl and remember to pray he is always there and he never leaves us. also remember to be patient God answers prayers in his time not ours.

I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in prayer. For my finale thought I would like to leave you with these two poems that tend to help me. A wonderful friend shared these with me

Dum Spiro Spero....(while I breath, I hope)
I met someone called Truth Today
On The very first day
And asked him if he'd help me
Try to find my way
But he was settling a dispute
Between Justice and the State
The matter was too important
For him to make it wait
So I went on alone
For mile after mile
Then I met Independence and Pride
And they walked with me a while
We came upon someone crying
And her name was Despair
She said she'd been looking for Help
But found no one there
So I took her to Compassion
Where I knew she would get well
For Compassion had saved many
And picked them up when they fell
And as I left I saw Honor
Laughing with Mirth
It did my heart good to know
They still walked the Earth
Then I ran into Prejudice and Hate
Who were both blind
They had never even met me
But said they didn't like my kind
Then I became caught up in a trap
That War had left lying about
But Love came along and set me free
When she pulled me out
She introduced me to the greatest
Of all that I had met
Her name was Hope, she befriended me
And I travel with her

the other I will have to send via email so that it comes out in its original form this page does not set it up well.

God Bless & take care

Love & Friendship
ixt

[Daniel]

I want to go to Liberty because I know that it is the best for what I am studying. It will in the long run open many more doors for than even some ivy league schools could. I want to go there for plenty of good reasons and of course because with my family it is Liberty or no where. They view it as their choice not mine.

Greetings to you and welcome to the forum here at SF.

I've been following this thread and remembering my school days at Evangel College- a conservative AG school. Unlike you, however, I had no idea I was gay 'going in', but starting figuring out things out after I left and had a relationship with a student still on campus. I may have been ignorant for 4 years, with there was no bliss in that!

Your are setting yourself up for a whole other order of difficulity however, going in with eyes wide open and mouth close shut. This, I think, will be very difficult. You write that there are good reasons for going to Liberty, yet also express that, essentially, it is your parents idea: it is Liberty or nothing. Question: would you go to Liberty if the decision wasn't tied to your family's purse strings?

This tension in your statements above, between Liberty being a good place for what you want to study and it being the ONLY place you CAN study make the first statement sound very much like a rationalization. And guess what? I buy it: having to rely on your parents to support until you can support yourself is a real concern, that is, unless you have a fairy godmother. But let's be real about the matter: no school is the be-all and end-all. The problem lies with your parents and your relationship with them. Sorting that out may not be easy.

I would do this while I was at Liberty: I would find a very able therapist (NOT AT LIBERTY) to talk to often about these matters. You are going to need a support system- friends will not be enough.

[Vanessa White]

Hello, Tennessee: Glad that you found your way to the forums. We are glad that you are here, and you will always find a lot of love and support here, in the name of God and Jesus, and beyond. I have been away from the forums for a few days, so I am now just reading your words and the responses from many of us here. It sounds like you are struggling with this a great deal, and as much as you sometimes wonder if Liberty is the right decision, you feel compelled to go there for many reasons. I think any one of us can do anything, even something difficult, for a period of time if we know what we are in for, and we can see a light at the end. I do agree with what many of my friends here have said to you, that to have an alternate plan in mind is always good. Whether it be therapy, GSA off campus, Soulforce connection from a safe place, whatever, know what your safe resources are and use them. I would agree with BruceChris, that you need to stay as far away from any GLBT discussion/suspected persons at Liberty, because that will only put you and that person at risk. For myself, no matter what the reasoning, for me to live a closeted, secret life after embracing my sexual orientation as a lesbian openly and fully would be extremely painful, and almost impossible to achieve. However, if you have alternatives in mind, in case it becomes too much to handle, that will help. If you can't do it, all that says is that you are meant to be bigger and bolder than Liberty will allow you to be. Have peace in your heart whatever you do, and come back here as often as you can. Vanessa:pray: :love:

[Tennessee James]

Dear friends,
I want to thank you all for the love and support that I have received here on SoulForce. I just want you all to know that I have heard your words and will keep them close to my heart.
I am sad to say that for safety reasons I will not be able to come here as often as I would like. I will do my best to keep in touch but please know that I will be thinking about you all. Please remember me in your thoughts and prayers over the next few months. I will check in as often as possible. Thank you again for being a beacon of hope for members of the LGBT community who have to live in secret. You are a true inspiration in my life.

[Jennifer5]

Good Luck! Remember we're here for you!:love:

[Daniel]

Thank you again for being a beacon of hope for members of the LGBT community who have to live in secret. You are a true inspiration in my life.


Back at you: I am certain and pray for the day when you will not have to live in secret and will be an inspiration to others. Live for that day! Live for that Truth. Live for the Love that embraces us all.

I look forward to meeting you here again soon.

[tdogg]

TLJ

Good luck to you whatever you decide - I will keep you in thought and prayer. :love: :pray:

Please come back when you can. The others have said just about all, and Daniel is right, you need support and an off-sight therapist is a great idea. At any rate, you can talk here and let the frustration out as you need. Be strong and be safe.

T

[darkstar]

As a Christian student at nearby Sweet Briar...I can assure you that there will be groups in the area that can help with what you are dealing with. Both Randolph-Macon, and Sweet Briar have active gay communities.

Please don't hesitate to contact any of us. We would love to help out.

[Vanessa White]

Welcome, darkstar- and thanks for reaching out for this person, who has been really struggling with this decision of school and keeping hidden. Hope to see you around often!:love:

[BruceChris]

We still Love You. come back when you can

Peace and love, Chris

(edit): An update and new message for you. 9/30/06

http://www.soulforce.org/forums/showthread.php?p=12789#post12789