View Full Version : I just told my parents
09-20-2006, 08:21 AM
After coming out to my parents... I don't actually know if I should've done it or not. After coming out to few of my friends who accepted me as I am and even accepted my girlfriend (fyi we are also in a long distance relationship)... I though that it would really be best to let my parents know as I've been very awkward to them already... However, my parents didn't handle it well... at all. To the point that my mom even wanted to kill my girlfriend. They kept on saying that I am just blinded right now and that I shouldn't tell anyone about it. Essentially, they, especially my mom is so angry and it hurts because she and my girlfriend are already very close and now she's threatening my girlfriend. I even told my mom that I am not forcing her on anything... I just wanted them to know the truth because they had the right to know the truth but all they said was that this kind of relationship will never work. The only way for these kinds of relationships to work, according to them, is when another person is miserable and the other is successful. That is the only way that they can cling on to each other. They even began saying bad things about my girlfriend which hurts me so much because she need not be blamed... I have been a lesbian even before I met this girl and I just fell so deeply in love with her.
I just don't know what to say anymore. :'(
09-20-2006, 09:13 AM
You were very brave to come out. It takes a lot of courage to step out of the boxes people put us in, and you broke out of it. You have nothing to hide now, and although you are experiencing some painful things with your mom, you are an authentic person and ultimately you have to live with yourself. You are the only one you go to bed with at night, and you have the right to live a life with no pretenses or facades. It is painful now, but in time, your mom will come around. If she doesn't, please know there are thousands of people in the same boat with you. I hope you and your gf are able to be closer together. Take one day at a time and if you can, please don't respond angrily to your mom. Think about how long it took you to come out to yourself, your mom just found out and it is going to take time to adjust. I came out 2 years ago after a 20 year marriage, and my parents still don't speak to me. It has been a long, hard road, but I have the love of my life and I refuse to let anyone tell me how to live my life. God loves me, knew I was a lesbian before I was even born, and chose to die for me anyway. If my parents can't get over it and love me for who I am, then it's their loss. I didn't throw them away, they threw me away. Anyway, take comfort in the fact that now you are out and you don't have to live a lie anymore. Take heart when you face angry, unsympathetic people, and just be the same person to them that you have always been. We are here to support you nonetheless.:rainbow:
09-20-2006, 09:30 AM
I really do hope that our parents would eventually learn to accept us the way we are. I never responded angrily with them. I even told them that I'm not forcing them to accept me... I just told them because I believe that really have the right to know. Nevertheless, I am still the same loving daughter that they have. Even if my dad already calls me a freak of nature, I understand how hard it is to come into with such matters. It really hurts to see my parents react in such a way but I pray that things will be better eventually.
I know that God has His reasons for all of this. I just hope that I'd have enough strength to survive every challenge that I face... or rather that my gf and I face.
Thank you so much for giving me much support and hope. I'd be sharing my whereabouts every now and then. Thank you!
09-20-2006, 12:48 PM
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your parents. Pnggrad said a lot of what I was thinking and much better than I could have.
..take comfort in the fact that now you are out and you don't have to live a lie anymore. Take heart when you face angry, unsympathetic people, and just be the same person to them that you have always been. We are here to support you nonetheless.:rainbow:
I realize it may be too early yet for your parents, but if possible, at some point you may want to get them in touch with someone at PFLAG, if there's a group in your area or even just on the phone.
Suddenly they're in their own closet and they have their own 'coming out' process to deal with, and there are MANY other parents who've been through it exactly the same, (and many more still in the 'closet' for that matter).
Just something to consider. :)
Hope to see you around,
09-20-2006, 02:38 PM
No advice, but I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers. And welcome to the boards. :)
09-20-2006, 04:08 PM
Brava for coming out, But there is stuff you can show them from this site that might help their transition, like the "what the bible says and doesn't say about homosexaulity" pdf. on this site.
On the other hand, they will just have get over it, my dad did and quick, because I am his only child, so it was either get over it or not have a son.
I am not suggesting that you cut yourself off from them, but its their loss if they can't love you for who you are.
:pray: Namaste, aftercomingout
The divine within me, blesses and honors the divine within you.
09-20-2006, 07:35 PM
Can't really add much advice to what you have received already. But, first and foremost, congrats on coming out - it's very brave and I'm sure you will find it to be a huge relief even with your parents' reaction. Keep the faith!
Then, when your parents get to the point where it can be discussed somewhat rationally and lovingly, there is an excellent book out there "Straight Parents Gay Children" that might be very helpful for them (and yourself) to read. And of course, as mentioned already, PFLAG would be another excellent resource.
If you are interested in reading about other experiences of coming out to oneself and to loved ones - Chastity Bono's book "Family Outing" is a very good read. I'm in the middle of it myself and highly recommend, if nothing else to know that countless others have 'been there and done that' - there is something comforting in that thought! Good luck to you and hang in there with your parents. And GOOD FOR YOU!! :D :rainbow:
Oh and welcome to the SF forums!
09-21-2006, 09:09 PM
I do understand what you're going through; I've been there myself. At one point my dad took his shotgun out of the closet and acted like he was cleaning it and my mother who was standing nearby told me she'd rather I'd be dead than gay - great, loving Christian charity for you. You may find it best to start treating your parents as acquaintences, its helped me. I've also avoided as much contact with them as possible. I don't know your age or whether you're semi-dependent on them but you can still love them from a distance and pray they'll come to at least accept you as an adult. If it helps, "There is a saying that before a baby is born God kisses its soul and as the angel carries it to its tiny body he sings. Ask yourself, "Is there somewhere in my soul a dim memory of that kiss, a faint echo of that song?" Think on that, it helped me many times. It can't heal the hurt and betrayal you feel but it will bring a sense of peace.
09-22-2006, 06:17 PM
Welcome, be brave and keep the faith.
If I could offer some thoughts, no great wisdom, just my own personal opinions: Even as you have been wounded from this experience so have your parents (from their point of view.) Love heals wounds. Give your parents time; show them love and compassion. God can be very slow in his working, but in the end God will prevail. (God is love. - 1 John 4:8). I don't feel that trying to change anyone ever does any good. People must change as they are moved in their own hearts. As much as possible show your parents love, give them the chance to respond, and be patient.
My father was a very domineering, opinionated man. He died before I ever dared "come out" to anyone. It would have been a very tense situation, and I chose not to face it. I admire your courage for being brave. My mom is much more accepting. She has come to the stage where she thinks homosexuality is wrong, but she loves us nonetheless. The climate of hatred will be overcome when everyone knows many gay men and women and realizes we are full of kindness and compassion.
Love is patient,
Love is kind,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrong.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13: 4-8
Tu amigo, Pablo
09-23-2006, 01:05 AM
Thank you so much to all of you! You guys really encourage me to be a stronger person... despite these difficult times. I really did not change towards my parents. Even if I know that they bear a certain burden in their hearts, I always try to approach them and strike a usual conversation. Although my mom keeps on commenting on just about everything and relates it to how "bad" and "demonic" homosexuality is... I'm really glad that our Lord gave me the strength to hold on and be calm about the situation.
I just recently told my brother and he was very accepting. My brother and I are really not that close but the words he said to be deeply touched my heart. I know that we don't see each other often but knowing that he understands me... Makes my heart feel a bit lighter. Almost similar to how you guys made me feel...
Yes... I'll be patient... I just hope that they won't do anything that would actually ruin my life or my partner's life. I really love my parents... I know they love me to... I guess matters like this really test a family's coherence and love.
09-23-2006, 09:50 PM
I really feel for you because I was in the same situation when I came out but even though it caused an uproar at the time I am stronger and better for it, and I feel freer. By coming out to parents who are very religious, we are challenging their belief system and the first thing that goes through their minds is, "Oh, God what have I done wrong? How did I fail in raising my child right?" I heard that from my mother and years later it hasn't changed; my dad who was always more vocal was more understanding and accepting. I never thought he would be.
Time and patience will help you them come to grips. I won't sugarcoat things and tell you it will definitley get better, it may not. It depends on how deeply your parents beliefs run and whether they are at least willing to study the bible with an open mind and read other books to educate them. It has been over five years since I have seen my family because I am not wanted there and it has been made completely clear, if I bring my partner the door won't open for me. The last time I was home was for my father's funeral, he passed away from lung cancer. Until then I had been welcomed whenever I came home but afterwards, my mother changed and I decided it was easier on her and me to remain apart.
Something hard to do but that will help you is wheneve the "preaching" starts, don't get defensive. Like Christ taught, turn the other check and be kind. It will take time and will be difficult but know that many of us here now went through what you are undergoing right now. There is a support network out there for you. The biggest support your parents will have is going right back to the place that skewed their thoughts and emotions in the first place - the church and their pastor/priest. I tried to get mine to contact PFLAG but my mother flew into a raged and shrieked that no one like that would ever be welcomed in her house. So, in closing and with a knowing smile I will leave with the advice everyone else has given you: have patience and pray that your parents will come to a better understanding of you and your situation.
Peace be With You
10-08-2006, 12:38 AM
I'm feeling worse than ever... I think depression has really set in... I can't even be with my partner because she's in the US and my mom kept my passport. She told me that she'd rather see me die than to be this way. It's odd because some parents would rather tell their child to go away and leave the house... but in my case... I feel like a "prisoner"... They look at me with disgust and yet they don't want me to go anywhere. I really want to go away... Every night I cry... I just want to hold my partner but I can't... She's so far away... And if her mom knew... Things would be worse... Her mom can have hired men to kill me... I just know. I really need her so much... I just remembered that my passport is already expired but the visa is still there. It's really hard finding a job in the US that would sponsor a working permit... Now... it seems like there's nothing that anyone can say for me to feel better... I feel very suffocated everyday... My sadness already consumed me... People noticed this because I have never been this sad for an extend period. In fact, before... I always had a smile on my face... Now I just force myself to be happy or pretend to be happy but at the end of the day... I just stay in my room and cry... Feeling very helpless... I don't even mention anything to my parents anymore because my parents would just rage in anger.... And at this stage... There's no explaination that they would understand or even actually listen to... I won't force them because acceptance can't be forced... I just have to keep this face... I hope I survive... I keet on telling my partner how bad I feel... I even got sick for a number of weeks... And I have been very pale and lost weight because of this... But there's nothing much we can do... I only talk to her secretly because my parents won't allow me to have any communication with her anymore... If only I could have a way to reach her... I would do anything... Anything... Just to be with her again... I'm so desperate... I know... :'(
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