View Full Version : Need advice, opinions, and much prayer
12-31-2005, 04:58 PM
I am writing simply because I am in a quandary, possibly of my own making, and need some help in resolving or at least some kind of conclusion. I divorced my husband,(I am a woman) in 2001. I asked the woman I was having an affair with, and am in love with, to move in with me following the divorce. I knew that we couldn't be "married" but we could act as if we were. When I asked her, she said that she would if she got to have children.She was 29, I was 41. This was something she always wanted and if she moved in with me, then this is what she wanted to do with me. Not thinking ahead of ramifications, implications, etc, I said yes. I had already had two of my own, at the time my girls were 10 and 13. We moved in together and bought a house, the whole 9 yards with my children. About a year or so later, she brings wanting a baby up again.
This time I was more hesitant, for a lot of reasons. I was 42 at the time and had been looking forward to my youngest graduating from high school eventually and we could enjoy being together (she and I). I didn't tell her no, but said I had some misgivings about it. We dropped it. Then about 2 years ago, she brings it up again and this time is very adamant. I again balked. I told her she didn't know what she was getting herself into, that it was more than just this romantic dream of this angelic child who never gets sick or cries, it was work and hard work at that. She said that she didn't want to grow old and not have anyone to take care of her. She wanted someone to carry on the family name. She wants to see what a child of hers would look like. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my two, and I am liking the idea of FREEDOM. But she wants me to commit to another 18 or so years of this, start completely over again, and raise another one with her. I have vascillated back and forth, between yes and a panic attack. I told her that if I did it, it wouldn't be because I wanted to , it would be because she did, and I wanted to make her happy. I can't stand the thought of saying no and she resenting me for the rest of her life.
So I have been really schizoid with this, yes one minute, panic attack no the next. We have gotten married (in Canada), gotten back in church, and she still wants a baby, and I still don't. My oldest is 18 and my youngest is 15. I just don't want to do this all over again. But I feel like if I don't, I will lose the love of my life and so my quandary is losing her over a baby, having her resent me if she decides to stay, or committing the next 18 years of my life to raising another child, beginning again at 45. Have I lost my mind? Can it be done? What should I do? This scares me to death. We are not married according to US law, I would have to adopt the child and a lot of other ramifications. I am terrified of this but don't want to lose someone I have loved for the last 18 years. (I met her when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter) It isn't that I am afraid of motherhood, I can do this. I have done it twice before. Am I just being stupid? Believe me I have been called everything in the book over this. Do I just give in and hope for the best? I am leaving a lot of stuff out, but this is the basic problem and I would like to hear what anyone thinks, I need some help. :confused:
12-31-2005, 11:06 PM
Gosh! That's a weighty question!
Having yet to be a parent myself, I don't know if my perspective will be of any help to you, but wanted to offer my prayers and support for you and your wife...whatever you decide.
No one can make this decision for you...which I know you know.
It seems that the two of you are just in different places in life when it comes to children. Although she has yet to experience child-rearing and you have "been there, done that..." This is perhaps an experience that you can share. No matter what happens, it can bring you closer.
If you decide to persue having a child, perhaps you can settle your own uncertainty by a decision to enjoy watching your wife experiencing it all for the first time. In this way it will be different than the experience with your own children. Maybe this will give you a new happiness for the task!
Whatever your choice, my prayers will be with you, as I know this is a tough decision.
That is a really tough decision! Although you will eventually need to follow God in the wisdom He gives you, I can tell you a story from personal experience. My mom had three children 15,13,11 when she found out she was pregnant with my brother. Despite her best Christian efforts, it was a huge shock and she was sad and angry because, like you, she was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and didn't want to go through all the beginning stages of having a child again. Through the encouragement of my father, the church, friends and her children, my mom began to accept the idea of having a baby. My brother is one of the best things that has happened to my family - he's brought us closer, he's changed my life for the better and helped my parents grow in their roles as parents. It's been such a blessing and my mom loves having him around!
I think that although it seems like a daunting task when looking from the outside, if you told your wife when she was committing her life to you that you would help her raise a child of her own, then God will bless your promise. He never gives us more than we can bear and things that seem impossible are made possible through him. I know it sounds trite, but God has shown me this time and time again in my walk with Him.
My prayers are with you and your family.
01-01-2006, 02:26 AM
:) Well, you could ask yourself... what kind of things would I do with all that free time? would is be worth more then the look on her face when the baby was born, the baby's first words, first steps... or do you really just flat out want a break... the other thing is since you children are grown it's easier to leave a baby with them... I don't know what ever you decide, I think you have everyones love and support
01-01-2006, 10:27 AM
Jennifer and Sam,
Since my divorce, Christmas has not been good. I have to give my children up to their father and it leaves my wife and I alone and just being together. Now, don't get me wrong, I love time alone with my wife. I guess what frightens me the most is that we won't have that time anymore except what we get on the sly or by accident. I didn't get to do this until I was like 40. I feel like I am catching up on good love a little late. I just didn't want it to end. I know, who says it has to end? Be creative! I know, I have heard it all before. Plus, another thing, I won't have my parents to support this. They helped me with my other two. I know this is all irrational and stupid, but keeps coming back to haunt me. I am trying to work it out in my mind of how it is going to be, and can I live with it? Can I make it work? Thanks anyway for your advice, it helped me a lot.
Ya'll are great!!:) Bless you.
01-01-2006, 02:50 PM
This is a tough position indeed. You may want to follow what is in your heart.
Yet when how would a child benefit? Two loving moms who love each other. One with experience and wisdom and one with the vitality of it all being new. How wonderful that might be for a child.
But most importantly, it is a decision you both need to make together. Have you thought of couples counseling to help work this through?
Again, I think it is something you both need to work out together. With love, with faith and with each other.
01-01-2006, 08:13 PM
Yes, we have been in couples counseling regarding this issue and related ones since June. Like I said, I have been round the world with this thing, yes one minute, panic attack the next. But I have come to a conclusion and it is the only one that I personally think is the most logical. We just need to jump in and do this and let God do His thing. I just have to put my hesitation in His hands, pray about my "fear factor" and trust my wife and God that this won't be the experience I had with my first two. And even if it is, I know I can handle it, because I have come through it before and I have two beautiful daughters to show for it. I am still scared silly, but the only way that I will know what it will be like is for it to happen. All the worry about what it will be like is pointless. It just needs to happen, I need to step out in faith that God has a plan for me and my wife, and wants to give us an abundant life. If I don't keep my eyes focused on that, I fall apart. Please pray for me, my wife and my two girls. I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for writing. Everyone's responses have been thought provoking and have made me consider things I haven't considered before.
Ya'll are great. Thanks to everyone. :)
01-04-2006, 08:01 AM
Been round the world with this guys but I need your prayers and encouragement. Yesterday driving to work, after the previous night when we had counseling, I was bombarded by negative thoughts about how much I was giving up to become a parent again at 45, blah, blah, blah, and I swear the Holy Spirit literally broke into my thought pattern and said, "You haven't lost anything!!! You have the love of your life in your life sharing it with you, and if I bless you with a child, you will have another child to love, and cherish. What have you lost by doing that? LIve outside the box, take a risk, leap out of your comfort zone and watch how I will bless your life!! You haven't lost anything and you have everything to gain!" It was so powerful, because when I let negativity rule my thoughts, I feel physical symptoms like tightness in my chest, headache, stomach pains, no appetite, etc and I was beginning to feel this way again, and when the Holy Spirit said that to me, immediately my symptoms lifted and I felt fabulous all day. I responded to Him, "Lord, whatever you have to show me today, whatever you need to say to me today, I am listening." And He filled my day with positive, life-affirming things and it was the best day in a long, long time. People spoke good things to me, my wife was like "Who are you and what did you do with my wife?" (LOL) and it was just a good day. Fear has reigned in my life for too, too long, and I need the prayer support of godly people like you to help me through this. I love my wife and want her to be happy, but she can't be if I am not on board with this and if she doesn't have my support, it won't be the blessing for her that I want her to have. It is not about me, it is about loving God, loving her and loving my two girls that I have already. When I make it about me, I get into trouble. I lose my focus and I feel terrible inside. It's all about God and what He wants for me and my life and my marriage. Pray for me, and I know you have because God visited me yesterday and I know you prayed for me. Thanks for everything.:D
03-07-2006, 12:46 AM
hi, i am new to these boards and i was just wondering how things are going.any baby yet?
03-07-2006, 08:02 AM
Good to see you here. No baby yet, and I would be happy if there never was one, however, having said that, if God chooses to let my wife have one, then so be it and I know that He never leads us down a path that He hasn't been there before, prepared it for us, and prepared us for it. So, in and of myself, I don't want another child, but God often wants things for me that in my finite mind and understanding I don't.
I am already a mother of two girls, ages 18 and 15, and living in Texas, I am often reminded of the lack of rights GLBT people have with regard to marriage, and the right to have children. My ex does not know, however, if he hasn't figured it by now, he is a moron. I haven't told him, but it is quite obvious. So far, he hasn't come after me for my girls, plus they are older and it wouldn't matter anyway.
As far as your situation, Keltic may have some advice. He is struggling with his ex wife and (I think) 3 kids. He has profound wisdom and faith, and may can offer some hope to you. I will pray for you and know that God has his best in mind for you. Too bad, people often try to be the voice of God, imagine what He would say, and speak for him. The Bible clearly says that our ways are not like His, and His ways are not like ours. So for anyone to say that they know what God would say, what God would want, or what God blesses, is the height of arrogance and rebellion. :)
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