Upside Down

[zimnah]

Has anyone here ever had the experience of first doing everything wrong, and have it seem to go right, only to have it all turn horribly wrong when you finally do what is right?
Did that even make any sense? Thomas' Theory comes to mind here...:(
I'd be grateful for any input.
--Dawn

[Zerbie]

Er, sorry, can't answer that without some sort of foundational specifics to respond to. Can you give us an idea what happened?

[BruceChris]

But could you tell us a little more?

Hey, I really appreciated that, when you told one of the newbies that Zerbie and I were good people to listen to. That felt good.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[zimnah]

Sorry about the vague beginning...
I'll try to keep this short.

Roughly two years ago, I was laid off. I didn't work that hard at getting another job, though we could have used the money. Then my mother-in-law died, and I spent 6 weeks in Connecticut, with the intent of cleaning the house so that we could close it up, but I spent most of the time depressed, sad, and watching an awful lot of Star Trek. I really needed to do more there.
I returned home, and began to work processing medical claims. I really blew that job off. I hated it. Rather than find something closer to home, and something a little more suited to my personality, I went passive-aggressive, and ended up being "released" during my probationary period. The sentiment was mutual, so I wasn't too upset, but I did not handle the situation well fromthe very beginning.
With no idea of how I was going to do it, I went back to school. Toward the end of the first semester, when the school made it clear that I would not be returning unless I took care of my $7000 balance, I begged for a job and got it.
That was my worst mistake, though it seemed perfect at the time. Tuition benefits, a boss that I loved and respected, colleagues I adore to this day...it was perfect.
That did not last. Had I handled things better between myself and my supervisor, things would not have gotten as bad as they did, and I may have been able to calmly transfer to another department without leaving everyone in the lurch. Unfortunately, that is exactly what happened. Imade myself literally physically ill, and ended up in the hospital. Then I tried to return to work, but it seems the damage was done. I had to quit. There was literally no other option. Now, life seems to be an upside down mess. I wrote out a letter of resignation, citing the reasons I quit (the vast majority had to deal with the way I was treated by my supervisor, including her anger at my absence during Yom Kippur, which she approved the week before, but told me the day I returned that my absence was "unacceptable.") I knew she'd gone too far with her comment regarding Yom Kippur (she'd done so in the past, but I kept my mouth shut...why ask for it?), and I cut her off by saying I was leaving. Then I walked out. This led me straight to HR, where I should have gone to begin with. Now that I've finally confronted the issue, spoken with HR, and am actively looking for another job to pay for college, not to mention maintaining my GPA and confronting my demons in therapy, I seem to be worse off than when I began this journey: I have no job, we have no money, I have no clue how next semester is going to be paid for (and at $11,000 a pop, its a big worry!), much less how our bills are going to be paid for! In addition, I've made myself sicker than before because I did not take care of these issues in my life, and I now have medical issues on top of everything. Plus, because my medical issues involved a grand mal seizure, my license is suspended for 6 months. When I didn't do what I was supposed to do, events seemed to conspire to bring me back to school, to a good, solid job well within my abilities, and my home life improved a great deal. It also led me here, where you all have given me the opportunity to explore who I am, and my place in this world. Once I did what what was right, mainly by confronting my issues (I also began therapy during this time frame, by the way) and standing up for what is correct, the things that are important to me seem to have flipped upside down.
The reason I asked the original question is because this seems to be a theme in my life. If I take it "in the shorts," as it were, things go smoothly on the outside, but they really eat me up inside. When I stand up for myself, it messes up everything. Much worse has happened, but this is the current one.
Again, sorry for being so vague. I wasn't sure how to put it to words.
Love to you all :love: :love: :love:
--Dawn
PS BruceChris, I'm glad something I said made you feel good, but I simply was telling the truth. :love:

[Lydia]

Any chance that you were depressed the entire time, Dawn?

I ask because you sounded a little like family members of mine who have been through similar struggles with life stuff. Sometimes depression can lead to this sort of behavior - or at least that's been my experience of it.

[marutidas]

I was living in Albuquerque just last summer.
I had been kicked out of the place I was staying, (reason was the guy I was staying with was mad at me for not giving it up) All calm and peace was gone.
None of my friends would take me in until I could get on my feet.( I also was starting the nightshift @ mcdonalds, which meant I could not stay at a homeless shelter since they open their doors at 6 -8pm ,when I would start my shift and close their doors at 7 in the morning about the time I would be getting out of work. I had to quit because I was so over come with negative emotion, I could not see a way forward.
I wandered the streets for one night, trying to sleep in a park. With No money, No food, and no place to stay,I just decided it would be best if I would just come back to Stigler.

But before I went back, I decided go to Amma's(shes a Hindu spiritual leader that I had visited twice before earlier in the week and recieved darshan(darshan is a hindi word meaning "a meeting with a saint or a sage". Her darshan is where she gives you a big hug and kisses you on the forhead and she pours so much love into you as she softly chants a mantra into your ear, words can't describe the feeling) I had recieved it three times.

When I gave up, and stopped fighting coming back to Stigler,
is when everything turned for the better.
At the bus station asking about when the next bus was coming,
I had met a woman who gave me a sandwitch, chips and a bottle of water.
I went to where Amma was staying and did voluteer work in the kitchen. The day before was for only people who paid, but since I helped out, I was able to get a good meal, By this time I had already been awake for 32hrs, but that the thing with Amma, just being her presence give you the strength to keep going, I had made many friends that night. I also had met a woman who started talking about Hanuman, and she said that she would have her frind drive me
up to a temple in Taos, NM, there I had spent two glorious weeks eating great food, drinking Chai, praying, singing, dancing, reading the ledgens and stories of Hanuman and having great philosophical dicussions. Doing Seva (volunteer work, Its good Karma), and meeting people from all over the world.

I could go on and on about my stay at the temple, but that is not the point of the thread.

I have found that some bad situations happen when we don't take the universes cue to change, or that you are not suppose to be there now.
The universe can sometimes give a violent nudge to get you on the right path. Though it may not seem like a good thing at the time, it can sometime have Very fortunate and unexpected results.

[Mia14]

I'm SO sorry things are so crazy for you right now. I'm sending you lots of hugs telepathically.

I think I agree with marutidas that sometimes very drastic things in our lives happen and it leaves you wondering how things will ever possibly get better - but somehow they do. There's a time in my life, too, when I can remember thinking that all is wrong and I couldn't imagine ever getting better. That same experience then is what made me as strong as I am now and better prepared for my future. I can't imagine my life if I hadn't been forced to deal with that pain and difficulty because now I appreciate the person that I ahve become as a result. I know it sounds kind of cheesy and sometimes it's hard to imagine appreciating a hard situation, but you never know.

Try not to regret what you did too much because regret won't change anything and just makes you feel bad. Just do what you can to improve things in the present and prepare for the future and don't forget your sources of comfort and support.

[zimnah]

Thank you all so much!
Lydia: yes, I was depressed. I am on medication, however...was off it for quite some time, but when things began to go downhill in early Spring, I decided to go back on meds.
Matitudas: I am not Biddhist, but I very strongly believe that what we throw out there in the universe does come back 'round, so we have to be careful what we sling out there to begin with. I also acknowledge that, yes, the universe IS a chaotic place, and those who can find sense in the chaos are miles ahead of those who cannot...I only pray I have found some kind of sense and order in the midst of the chaos. I know that I am supposed to be at this particular college at this particular time, and I cannot even begin to identify how or why I know this...but I will say that I am determined to be here regardless.
Mia, thank you, and thank you again. I am trying very hard not to regret the way things ended, but still feel guilty, because I originally promised I would not leave the department in a lurch. I have done exactly that, but as far as I can tell, no other choice was available to me at that particular time. I wish I could simply volunteer to finish the tasks left undone, but I have a feeling that distance will serve all concerned better than direct involvement. I am currently looking for subtle ways to support, but remain largely uninvolved, to help.
I love you all so much. :love: :love:
May G-d bless you all and keep you all in His heart.
--Dawn

[BruceChris]

I wish you all of the good fortune in the world. From what you say, I've only got a small amount of the problems that you do, and it's about all I can seem to handle. I suppose you're even too far away to pet Keltic's kitten.

Peace, Love, and the best, Bruce Chris