Life...

[Sokrates]

Hi all,

Have you had one of those day's when everything just seems like s**t? Well, Im having one of those now. I had to drop out of school for a second time, due to some personal reasons. So, that means that I will have my last shot next year, and that I will go with people 2 years younger then myself.

I also think that the fact that Im together with another guy, has spread in one of the local school's where my younger brother goes. Since today some people from his school walked behind me all the way from the supermarket and about half the way home throwing pebbles at me and calling me names. I so hate living in a small town at times, now this will spread as wildfire. I just hope non of the people I know hears it from someone else then me. Wich happend in my family.

My cousin told her mother, who told my grandmother, who told my uncle... well, lets just say my sexuality is a "family issue" at the moment.

And about the people walking behind me throwing the pebbles, I know they were just pebbles. But its symbolic... and I really felt like smashing their skulls in at some points. My temperament can really start burning at times, wich usually leads to fights. And I usually dont set off that easy anymore, but when they called me a "fat faggot"... I wanted to just kick them down and hurt them. *Sighs*

Does it have to be like this?

//Christian

[marutidas]

Nothing last forever, this includes the rough patches. Think about it like this, what lessons have you learned through this experience. How has this made you better person, And where did this unexpected detour in life take you, and the good that came from it?

Don't worry you'll pull through, though you may not see it right now.

---Maruti Das

[Sokrates]

Well, I've had alot of rough patches in my life. And I've blown them all out of my path. Sadly, some of the experiences still haunt me. I suffer from post traumatic stress, and a fright of using public showers in like bathhouses and such. As well as public urinals. But I know those experiences made me to who I am today. So I see both the posetive and negative side of things.

And I am currently trying to control my anger. Since I know its for the best, so I dont get into more trouble. But, really, the only person I fight with is my stepbrother, and my biological younger brother. I dont smoke, use drugs drink or anything of that nature. So, on that point I belive I've done fairly well.

I see the ones who used to harass me when I was younger waste their lives drinking all the time, smoking and doing drugs. Slowly destroying their own lives. And Im glad Im just not tangled into anything of that stuff. Though, at this point, im terribly alone. Wich really blows. But things will look up in due time.

[Zerbie]

(((Sokrates)))

:love:

I'm sorry you feel alone. :'( I know this is just electronic words flashing on a screen, but you DO have us. :love:

Someday you will find friends out there in the off-line world who will love you exactly as you are and you will support one another through these kinds of terrible days. Meanwhile, you're getting through it all on your own - think how strong you are!

Take very good care of yourself. You are smart to avoid drinking, drugs, etc - as those would make everything else worse. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, do what makes you feel happy and accomplished.

We are pulling for you. Be well, Christian. :love: :pray:

Zerbie

[Lydia]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, Christian.

No advice, but I'll be thinking about you. Keep us updated.

[Sokrates]

Thanks for the support. I mean, I do have friends. I have a friend that goes 14 years back. But, he's the only one really. I thought I had friends... two days ago I called a girl I know, and she's really nice and all. So I figured she might want to do something, and get away from her busy schedule. She said she was going to visit her grandmothers place. And I said, "alright sure". Like, what else was I going to say? Anyhow... two hours later I find her walking around town with 2 others that I know... and used to consider as friends until a while back when they stopped talking to me when I came out to them. So... that really broke my spirit. But, Im pulling through.

[scott snedeker]

Grrrrrr! makes me furious! particularly when those ass---s React to your ccourage with spite and cowardly gestures. It will take some time but they will eventually see you as brave and themselves as pathetic. Some of the them are throwing pebbles because they are gay too and want to make sure no one finds out by being the meanest

For now a good heavy dose of gay affirmation would pobably help. Head out to a big city with a gay scene and stay for a weekend. Hit some of the nightclubs and make some new friends www.bear411.com is a great place to meet friendly fellows who live there to get the local information. It' free too! You may find that while the small town is not ready for you, the big city will embrace you! The small town may not be worth your time, sweetie!

I want you to know that I am proud of your courage! And that the world is changing fast. It will not be like this forever!

I find the "very best of Cher" album to be a good way to turn a broken spirit into a flame!

Love Scotty:cowboy:

[Sokrates]

Well, one of my friends has a small apartment in the capital city. And I´ve been thinking about maybe taking a train to go visit him later on in the week. At like thursday or such. And then stay there for 4 days. Not sure how big the gay scene is there, I really dont have a clue.

And I know that large city's are a much better place to stay. Well, it depends, but it usually is.

I´d like to thank all of you for the support Im getting. I really appriciate it. And we'll see how things turn out. Hopefully I will get some friends that are eaither gay or bi, since I currently dont have any of them. Well, over MSN and my boyfriend in France ofcourse. But thats it.

Thanks again.

//Christian

[Daniel]

Like, what else was I going to say? Anyhow... two hours later I find her walking around town with 2 others that I know... and used to consider as friends until a while back when they stopped talking to me when I came out to them. So... that really broke my spirit. But, Im pulling through.

That stinks. Really stinks.

Scotty has a good idea and I'm glad to hear that you are thinking about stepping out. Gay Affirmation is a good idea.

I can remember (I'm 48 btw) when I first came to the city ages ago and- wow- it was a real eye-opener. Guys walking hand-in-hand (not everywhere at that time- but still- out there) and places like the The Gay Center (http://www.gaycenter.org/). What is great about cities is that, for gay people at least, one has the sense that having a life is possible. And I can say that- indeed- it has been true for me. I keep reading that gay people are doing better in rural areas, but I wonder if this isn't an overstatement. Though, of course, the internet has changed things, hasn't it?

Keep reaching out buddy.

Boyfriend in France? Lucky devil. ;)

[marutidas]

Thanks for the support. I mean, I do have friends. I have a friend that goes 14 years back. But, he's the only one really. I thought I had friends... two days ago I called a girl I know, and she's really nice and all. So I figured she might want to do something, and get away from her busy schedule. She said she was going to visit her grandmothers place. And I said, "alright sure". Like, what else was I going to say? Anyhow... two hours later I find her walking around town with 2 others that I know... and used to consider as friends until a while back when they stopped talking to me when I came out to them. So... that really broke my spirit. But, Im pulling through.

Like Zerbie said you have us, And it is not the quatity of you friends but the quality, and it sounds like this friend that has been around 15 years is pretty good one, but at the same time, I have had lost many friends, We did fight or anything, Its just we grew apart, but I always meeting new people, and making friends. I know its painful to be betrayed, but you must reach deep inside yourself to forgive them, I know it alot easier said than done, it is a practice to forgive. To forgive yourself and others, but in forgiveness, you can truely put it behind you and move beyand that point.
Always remember that this is a transcient existance, friends and enemies go,but at the same time you are always making newone, and from I can see is that you have found some pretty choice friends here one Soulforce.:love: We will be here for you. At least in spirit.

[mtatum4496]

Thanks for the support. I mean, I do have friends. I have a friend that goes 14 years back. But, he's the only one really. I thought I had friends... two days ago I called a girl I know, and she's really nice and all. So I figured she might want to do something, and get away from her busy schedule. She said she was going to visit her grandmothers place. And I said, "alright sure". Like, what else was I going to say? Anyhow... two hours later I find her walking around town with 2 others that I know... and used to consider as friends until a while back when they stopped talking to me when I came out to them. So... that really broke my spirit. But, Im pulling through.


Friends like this are easy to come by. The kind that are true friends are a little harder to find.

I've been down this path a few times. Yes, it does hurt. At the same time, look upon this as her way of stepping to one side so there is more room in your life for people that truly will be friends to step in. Don't let yourself spend too much time mourning this loss before you go out there and find some new people who would love to socialize.

[Sokrates]

As I said before, I live in a small town. So the ones I could be friends with, I already know to some part. Sadly, non of them have the same intrests as myself. And most of them... are really... well, they are all a bunch of a**es, as simple as that. Some of them I hold a deep personal grudge with since my young years, others, as you said, I've drifted apart from. And... well, the rest just didnt get along with me.

My friend of 14 years back is really a great guy. If he wasent straig... heh, almost said too much. *Chuckles* But the funny thing is, him and I have almost nothing in common what so ever. He´s a drummer, a really good one as well might I add, and he isnt into reading and such as I am. He´s much more involved in music and trading things... wow... he's a goooood buisness man. But we've been friends for ages, and it will probably stay that way for a long time. Sad part is that he moved away, not too far away. But still far enough making it almost impossible for me to reach him without any trouble.

And why am I a lucky devil for having a boyfriend in France? :D

[scott snedeker]

Christian,


You are beginning your gay life, and true to form, you are finding that you must create your own FAMILY !:rainbow:

Hence the term!

The creation of your new family is one of the exciting things about being gay. Once you have created this beautiful thing, others may ask "How did you decide to make this wonderful group of people your family?" And you responded with the wisest of answers:

"I had no choice."

Because to survive emotionally you must have a gay family ---necessity is the mother of invention! (Ouch! a cliche but true!)

When your new Family becomes more and more of the focus of your life, the abandonement by your genetic family becomes more bearable. There may even come days when you don't think of their turning you out!

Love and affirmation,

Scotty:cowboy:

[Dash]

Well, darlin'...I can't say I know much about hecklers...sounds sucky though. As for friend troubles...that was my forte in my twenties.

There is one thing of which I would like to assure you: friends are sometimes weak...but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't love you. Sometimes, yes, you'll learn that when they told you they couldn't hang with you because they were doing something, it turns out they lied. People are just like this...it may not be a commentary on their opinion of you. Could just as likely be that they don't think their other companions will "gel" with you and they are afraid to be honest with you...or something else fairly benign. Friendship is rarely perfect, but even the imperfect friends are usually worth our trouble. :love:

I have to admit that I have had very few (3D) gay male friends...right now I have one that is my dearest, but that's it. My best male friends have always been straight. When I was in Oklahoma my best friend was perfect. We didn't actually have a whole lot in common, though. Somehow we were a great fit. BTW I'm kind of a "guy's guy". While I'm not into sports and other typically "guy things" I just don't get a lot of emotional energy from girls. I have female friends, but it just doesn't work in the same way. In contrast, my best gay friend, totally gets his energy from girls. Everybody's different, huh?

But...people throwing pebbles at you? That's just wack!! Hah! Were these 10-year-olds? LAYeem!

Your handle... It was Socrates, I believe, who said it was better to be the one who was harmed than the one who hurts another. The one who willingly wounds another wounds his own soul first. C. S. Lewis also said something like, "We must first pass the sword through our own body to cut another." So...might sound backward at first hearing, but it's definitely better to catch a pebble than throw one.

Peace...peace...peace...

...and love.:love:

(and who has a boyfriend in France?!! That ain't fair!:lol: )

[Sokrates]

Well, they werent 10. Even 10 year olds know better. *Chuckles* Just some immature teen's. You know how 15 year olds get when their face looks like a pizza and they see an incredibly handsome guy... alright... gave myself too much credit there. :D

And I know about the entire thing with moving to big cities and such is better for a person in my... "position". Sadly, I dont have the moeny yet. But soon I will inherit the money my mother left me when she died. And with that money I will move in with my boyfriend. France might be a big step and all, but I have to get out of here. *Smiles* Plus, there are much more jobs and the like overseas. Since here in Sweden we really have a shortage with jobs, all jobs actually. Except teachers and doctors, so if anyone feels temped and you work with that, and want to get away. Move here. :D

Also, my boyfriend dosent just live in France, he lives in Paris. Ze city of love as he himself so nicely put it. :p (Still dont quite understand why that has been placed in such focus.)