View Full Version : Good Report
01-17-2006, 12:05 PM
Last Friday I had to go to a counselling session with my (soon-to-be) ex-wife. We were to discuss co-parenting skills as we are separated (2.5 years) and no other issues. I was anxious about the session, so on the drive there, I began repeating the 23rd Psalm to myself. It was amazing, God's spirit flowed over me and especially when I said the part about preparing a table for me in the presence of my enemies. I continued and as I said "and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever" I was moved to tears. The spirit prompted me to repeat the line "and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord...." It was a clear reassurance to me that I am God's child and the God will take care of me, and that I will indeed be with God forever. I was still a bit anxious for the session but knew that God was with me. A few good things came of the meeting, like overnight visits with my youngest son. That has never happened. I'm not sure it will just yet, because the wife is so opposed to it. The therapist reminded her that she's "lucky this isn't court-ordered." the wife really tried to go after me a few times, but the therapist protected me, and gave her a reality check as well. I've just sent an email to my wife to offer a few dates that my son can spend the night. We'll see if she stays true to her word.
01-17-2006, 01:38 PM
I am glad you had a good meeting with your soon to be ex wife. I know it is a hard situation. My ex husband is still after 5 years trying to make my life difficult, but only because I had the audacity to leave him. Oh well. I hope it continues to go well, and I encourage you to do everything in your power to make sure it goes well, because your kids will be the receivers of anything that happens, good or bad. You already know that I am sure.
Nonetheless, good luck and keep us posted on what happens.:)
01-17-2006, 02:14 PM
Hugs to you both, and to your kids. :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love:
01-17-2006, 02:24 PM
pnggrad, I think the "audacity to leave" is part of it. I was in therapy myself for about a year before I left. I was able to realize that there were many problems with the marriage, not just my orientation. I discovered that my wife was very controlling, and I compensated for my lack of control by taking control of the only thing I could: my body and what I put into it. Do you know how discouraging it is to be 39yo and sitting in the waiting room of an Eating Disorders clinic? When I left, she outed me and that took about another year of therapy to work through. In her eyes, it's all about my fooling her, and none of the issues were her fault. I think she's got issues with me "influencing" the youngest son, as if I could turn him gay or something. My older children have even said that she doesn't want me around the youngest, while at the same time, telling the older 2 that they should move in with me.
01-17-2006, 02:31 PM
Good luck & you are both in my prayers.
01-18-2006, 09:58 AM
well, as i suspected by the stbx's response in the therapy session, we've hit a road bump. i mentioned the overnight idea to my 7yo on monday, then sent an email to the stbx on tuesday and offered some dates. i didn't tell my son when i planned on doing the sleepover, just that we would do it soon. the stbx called last night to berate me because the 7yo knew first, and i emailed the next day. so i asked if that meant she wasn't going to let me have him, and she said 'no'. so i asked what the problem was then. it broke into a heated argument and i said some things that my older kids will prolly pay for.
today i decided to call that therapist (my insurance is paying for it, so i figure she can speak with me privately too) I am asking her to see me privately so i can express my concerns about the motivations for the stbx to bring me into the therapy sessions. and also to voice my thoughts on why some things were said, and how it looks like the stbx isn't going to follow through.
01-18-2006, 02:02 PM
Does sbtx have a boyfriend or significant other? If not, she needs one, to take the heat off of you. You had to be true to your orientation and she needs to get off her high horse, respect the fact that you are being authentic and true and not lying anymore to her or to God or the world, for that matter. Either that, or she just needs to grow up. If you did nothing to the childen before you came out, why does she think you are not safe with them now? All of sudden you're gay, and a pedophile? Please!!! My own sister let my 3 and 4 yo nephews stay with me overnight a MONTH before I came out and when she found out that I was a lesbian, all of a sudden I was a bad influence and was turning my nephews into flaming homosexuals. I answered back rather sarcastically, and said, "Yeah everynight I whispered into their little ears 'You are so gay'. Furthermore, I want them to be homosexuals because they will so enjoy the hatred and judgment from their mother that their aunt has received." I admit it was the wrong thing to say, but it just shows how stupid and ignorant some really intelligent people can be be about this. :rolleyes:
01-18-2006, 02:32 PM
no BF for her. I've "ruined" her. I have a friend who works in Domestic Abuse, and is really into the psychology of those kinds of relationships. She told me one time that she knew that I was gay the first time she met me; she just wondered why I was in a straight marriage, and she actually thought there was some kind of "deal." She has mentioned, since then, that it's possible that my marriage "deal" was unspoken. the stbx needed to be married for whatever reason, and a "gay" man was fine with her, perhaps because it would mean that she wouldn't have to commit to intimacy. I needed to be married because I needed to at least "appear" straight, and this would let me pass. When I could no longer keep my end of the unspoken agreement, I had to leave the marriage. I find it to be an interesting concept, and certainly explains a lot of things about our relationship.
yes. she's on a high horse. she's a martyr. a wronged woman, fully devoted to me until the day I walked out, only to discover my deeply hidden secret. EXCEPT, that's not the way it was. with the birth of our 3rd child, the 7yo, I learned what my role was, and it wasn't husband. I think that she's most angry that I removed myself from her control. She even projected that onto me in last night's phone call, saying that I controlled her. which is really funny, because the dynamics didn't work that way. She's a nurse, makes good money, even when she worked part-time, she would bring home more than I ever could. she reminded me of it regularly, and because of it, she didn't cooperate with spending, paying bills, saving, etc. she even admitted that she would spend the money so I would have a hard time paying bills from month to month.
ok, I've gone on too long. I'm angry and hurting. I've got to stop now.
01-18-2006, 04:51 PM
Sorry for dredging up bad, painful thoughts and memories. I just wanted to defend you and tell you that I know where you are coming from with an ex who won't live and let live. I am just saying to them-get over yourself and move on. Life is too short to live it eaten up with anger and disappointment. So your ex is gay-find someone who isn't, get married or whatever and shut up about it already.
I truly hope your stbx will leave you alone soon or at least be willing to work with you. I don't know you, but you seem to be a decent guy who just happens to be working it out being gay and being a dad. We are all on a journey and all need grace. I will pray for an extra helping of that for you as you go through this rough time. Been there. :(
01-18-2006, 08:27 PM
thanks, I actually called my pastor tonight and asked for words of wisdom. I am so angry, and I can't recall being this angry ever. I actually bumped into my 17yo at the mall this evening. He jokingly thanked me for last night. I said "she came after you last night after I hung up on her?" he said, "yeah, got my sister out of bed and yelled at us until midnite." Amazing. Incredible. She just won't stop.
01-18-2006, 09:26 PM
There is much much more to this than a mixed orientation marriage!
Yelling at two kids until midnight is, or borders upon, verbal/emotional abuse. Was your son exaggerating? Or did she in fact scream at them for hours? If so. Is this new? Or did this happen before the breakup as well? In either case, it NEEDS to be addressed in counselling, perhaps with the entire family.
It also concerns me that she "intentionally" spent more $ than necessary in order to make it difficult for you to pay the bills. ??????? That is some weird kind of vengeance. Not saying you're perfect and she's all bad, but these are serious problems on her part, and if she is willing to treat you that badly on purpose, rather than communicate her anger to you in a way that allows you both to resolve and compromise, then what is to stop her from using backhanded and manipulative tactics with the kids?
Oh gosh - I need to stop butting in here. These issues need to be addressed, and you are on the right track getting counselling from your pastor and from a therapist. Quite likely the entire family needs to be present with the therapist and/or pastor as well. Make sure the kids have someone they like and trust to talk this out with as well.
I am so sorry all this debacle is going on, for all of you. I hope you will be able to find peace within while things resolve, and wish you the best.
01-19-2006, 11:42 PM
I got to speak with the therapist on the phone this evening, and she was speechless. she was also reluctant to meet with me alone because it would destroy the balance of neutrality she needs to keep things fair. However, she did remind me that overnight visits are my parental right; that if my "co-parent" wasn't willing to cooperate, that I would have to enforce it legally. This advice, reinforces the advice from 2 other trusted counselors: my Pastor, and a dear friend (soon to be an ordained pastor.) So the therapist suggested that I confront my stbx face to face, saying that if she continues to deny my access to the children, I will be forced to seek that access through the courts. and then, be prepared to follow through on it.
01-20-2006, 09:36 AM
Hey : I just wanted to tell you ( I am only viewing your dialogue after it has been going on all week) that it takes a lot of courage and self-love to leave what you did in terms of your marriage, and that I admire you for doing what you have to to live a more true life. However, the road is long and difficult, and I am sure it is very easy for you to have self-doubt at times. I am glad you have faithful persons to lean on and to support you. I cannot personally identify with your situation, but I support you and your efforts, and I do hope you get to have your son overnight- you have a right to that. Good luck and God bless you.....Vanessa ;)
01-20-2006, 10:05 AM
thanks Vanessa, I have peace about this decision.
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