small minds driven by fear

[scott snedeker]

one of my lovers who just lost his mother told me his family ran him off today because he is gay. His brother had a "sit-down meeting " to tell him that his family does not want him to stay in town. Even his sister told him not to come near her children. They are pentacostals. His father was a preacher who died years ago who told him he was going to hell.

I am so hurt and angry for him I can't think of anything else! I cannot think of a greater evil than to tell your own family member that they don't have the right to life and happiness because THEY are uncomfortable.

He is a photographic artist. Much of his work is the human experience. He does a series of photographs to capture socially conscious themes for presentations in galleries in Santa Fe, Houston and other cities. I have suggested that he use his family to show to the world the pain and devastation of homophobia. I would get gratificaion from having the public judge his family. Their very image the living symbol of the deepest unforgivable shame!

Homophobia was used as a tool by a sanctimonious pschological predator on his own son! The public needs to hear! His "family" says they still love him (self righteous crap!) but I reminded him that love without acceptance is spirtual poison. He said the same to his brother in his own words.

my heart is broken,

Scotty

[Daniel]

Scott-They ran him off? This breaks my heart. Having been pentacostal, I know how cruel this expression of faith can be at times as far as gay people are concerned. It is so damn fearful.

I only hope your beloved does not allow himself to be run out of town. And I can testify to the truth in your assertion that love without acceptance is spiritual poison. So much is wasted by such fear. Making his family the subject of his work is a very interesting and provocative idea: if it helps him deal with the situation- all the better.

[scott snedeker]

thanks for your words of support, Daniel. Means alot

Scotty

[keltic63]

I can't imagine how hard that must be for both of you. so hard for him because his own family not only rejects him but wants him to go away. so hard for you because you feel his pain and have to witness the damage to one you love.


and deep inside I wonder about my own family or any of our families: do they often think of doing the same to us, but lack the courage?

[scott snedeker]

I can't imagine how hard that must be for both of you. so hard for him because his own family not only rejects him but wants him to go away. so hard for you because you feel his pain and have to witness the damage to one you love.


and deep inside I wonder about my own family or any of our families: do they often think of doing the same to us, but lack the courage?


Thank you very much for your response. Your words make me feel less alone and powerless.

Courage? To go so far against their nature so as to deliberately hurt your family. I think fear and cowardice are what drives a family to do this. This was a test that they failed miserably!

Scotty

[Zerbie]

I hope this doesn't make you sadder. But a long-term perspective, from just one family:

My own family rejected my mom's cousin for being gay. That was in the mid-60s, well before I was born. They did that thing where they pretend the gay person is really dead, rather than tell you why there is no contact, only my mom broke the pact and told me he was alive and just no longer part of the family (in fact she told me HE didn't want US!). I grew up wondering what the awful terrible secret was, and in my head I assumed he was in prison for murder - didn't figure out the real reason until my 20s. A lifetime after starting the "He is dead to us" charade, they somewhat reluctantly resumed contact with him. Literally a lifetime later - 35 years later. I'm never sure if it was too little too late, or if I'm just grateful that there were the beginnings of reconciliation before the end.

35 years after he was expelled from our family, there sat all my elderly aunts and uncles, parents, everybody, after christmas dinner, having wished him happy holidays over the phone when all the "tsk tsk" and head shaking started up again. Said one relative, "Oh, he's. . . he's a. . . you know. . . one of them. . . ho-mo-sex-uals. But. . . well. . . then again. . . that doesn't matter." And my mom said, "No, it doesn't matter." And they all sat there nodding, "He's family. No, it doesn't matter." Well Merry Christmas and holy unbelievable time-delay, but at least they got THAT far.

I hope for your friend's sake AND for his family's sake that they don't take so long - the family ends up regretting the lost time and the lost contact. It takes it's toll on EVERYONE, which is what makes it such a complete tragedy when family members reject a loved one for being gay.
:'( :'( :'(

[scott snedeker]

Thanks for your response. I'm saddened to hear of your cousin's story. The up side hopefully is that he lead a full gay life free of any pretense because he had nothing to lose. Maybe If I look at this small concillation with Adrain We can emotionally fork in the direction of healing.

Scotty

[Zerbie]

Thanks for your response. I'm saddened to hear of your cousin's story. The up side hopefully is that he lead a full gay life free of any pretense because he had nothing to lose. Scotty

He did. He and his partner of 30 years had a beautiful house in the heart of West Hollywood, and numerous friends. They traveled a lot and collected some beautiful and unique objects - the most singular and uniquely decorated house I've ever seen! Every time I look at the pictures of the living room I notice some new detail I missed before (it was a very crowded house!)

He was a visual artist - he carved decor on the front gate of the house, and painted patterns onto the surface of the oven and kitchen counters - he started work in the 60s for Saul Bass doing graphic design, then pursued his own creative stuff full time - in fact, created his own medium for works both profound and satiric. I have many replicas of his work displayed now in our house, and an 8x10 photo of him standing proudly in front of his studio next to one of his life-sized pieces, beaming with excitement to share his work with me. That picture - you see the point Scotty is that now he is ALWAYS at home with his family, he lives on right here in our living room where he will always belong. I miss him so much!!!! :'(

I thank God that I met them both - you know the family threw him out a decade before I was born:'( - and as small as the reconciliation with his family was, he wept and called it "a miracle." I only wish I hadn't been deprived of his wonderful laugh, brilliant creative intelligence, unconditional support, and loving presence for the first 25 years of my life. We only had 5 years - but I thank God that we DID HAVE 5 years.

You are welcome to show this post to your friend's family if you think it might speak to them.

[Daniel]

Scotty- the harm that is down in the name of Christ, God, Faith, Religion, especially when it is so ignorant, so stupid, so shortsided, so plain dumb, is just more than one can bear at times.

I read your first post again and was struck by the intentional harm that was done: they waited until your friend's mother died, putting a knife into an already deep wound.

There have been many times in my life when I have struggled and raged against the ignorance of my family in how they have responded- and not responded- to my being gay and being in relationship. It is a kind of sadness that does not go away easily. And while my experience in no way like that of your beloved regarding the degree of rejection, his pain, hurt and anger echoes my own pain that of gay people everywhere, and shows what the face of religious intolerance for what it is: a mask of ignorance and fear.

You will be in my thoughts tonight when I sit quietly before sleep. I send you both full-hearted blessing and strength to endure.

Our love is Real. May your beloved's family come to know this while they still have breath. May this truth bring them unto Love. For there is nothing else.

[Rick336]

When I hear about cases like this one I have to remind myself why non-violence is important because my immediate emotion is rage and disgust.

[scott snedeker]

More on the story:

After his mother died three weeks ago, Adrain stayed in his mother's house in the next town west of us. His sister lives next door. His family all got together and sent his brother to bully him because his sister did not want him living that close to her children.

I can't sleep. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. his health is vulnerable. He never introduced me to his family. I see now that he was protecting me. There isn't even one member that sees the injury they are causing, or care enough to give him a word of support, that this may kill him. He can hardly speak. My God! what a holocaust!

How can I support his personal sense of worth? How can I keep him from dying? I'm presently unable to let go of a sense of despair.

His last photographic show in December was about his childhood in Okeechobee, Florida. It was entitled "Orange Blossoms, Fire Ants and the Tyranny of Memory" I wish that I knew some way to let go of this tyranny and focus on the joy of the moment again.

Thanks for listening,

Scotty

[keltic63]

Courage? To go so far against their nature so as to deliberately hurt your family. I think fear and cowardice are what drives a family to do this. This was a test that they failed miserably!

Scotty


courage is definitely the wrong word, and I knew that as I was typing. I simply did not want to write what I was really thinking: do they often think of doing the same to us, but lack the balls?

[Daniel]

Scotty- After clarifying that Adrain was staying in the house after the death of his mother, a legal matter comes to mind: are his siblings trying to run him off because of his inheritance? The worst in people- unfortunately- can come out in the aftermath of a death in the family. If so, that is downright despicable, with homophobia being used as the tool for material gain.

How can you support him now? I know the situation defies all sense of justice and inspires everything opposite to nonviolence, but the calmer and steadier you can be right now, the calmer and steadier he will be too. Be the anchor that does not move. And the lover that doesn't stop loving- no matter what. Love through your despair. In spite of it, over it, under it. Generate compassion by first having compassion for that despair.

All is not lost.

Sit down, close you eyes and talk many deep breaths, and after you feel that your body has lossened up a bit (the deeper you can go the better), imagine beams of compassion and love radiating out from your heart to him. And to yourself. See this in your minds eye when you are going through the day. Imagine these beams cutting through all despair- all hate- all ignorance.

And if need be, help him get a lawyer. Love is practical too.

You have my prayers and the prayers of many here.

[novaseeker]

I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening, Scotty. It's a very difficult situation for anyone to deal with, and honestly tragically sad that a family would choose to divide itself like that by its own narrowmindedness and prejudice.

But now, what you can best to for your love is to be strength for him, to be love for him, to be the calm center for him in what is undoubtedly a horrifically hurtful situation. This is one of those times to not reflect hate back, but to regroup in the embrace of love, and be steadfast in your strength to do what is needed so that he is in a safe place where he can begin to heal.

I will pray for you both.

[andrewlittle]

I can't sleep. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. his health is vulnerable. He never introduced me to his family. I see now that he was protecting me. There isn't even one member that sees the injury they are causing, or care enough to give him a word of support, that this may kill him. He can hardly speak. My God! what a holocaust!

How can I support his personal sense of worth? How can I keep him from dying? I'm presently unable to let go of a sense of despair.

I wish that I knew some way to let go of this tyranny and focus on the joy of the moment again.

As a healer, you know the importance of being objective about any situation of sickness or injury - not cold and distant, but objective. As a lover, you are unable to have that objectivity. I believe both of you need to seek out another healer - perhaps jointly, perhaps separately.

You are not in the position to be the healer in this scenario because you, my brother, are also a victim. A witness to violence is also a victim of violence. Your own pain and suffering is obvious, and fully understandable. You speak of your own despair and your own fear for him.

On one hand it would be easy to say, "this isn't about you." But, it is. Perhaps not in the same way. But, nonetheless, you have also been damaged. Adrian, a man you obviously love deeply, is suffering from what you rightly describe as a holocaust, but so are you, my brother, so are you. To expect yourself to be able to set aside your own pain over this, to be the dispassionate healer, to be the rock of stability, is to set yourself up for more pain and guilt.

You are the passionate lover, and as such, cannot expect yourself to superhumanly set aside your own suffering to heal his. You can, however, help your lover and yourself find healing in the arms of another. Embrace yourself in the same care and love with which you embrace Adrian, Scott, and find someone or some others who can help you both find a place to heal and recuperate.

I hope I haven't said too much.

[NathanATX]

When I hear about cases like this one I have to remind myself why non-violence is important because my immediate emotion is rage and disgust.

Rage. Anger. Wanting to return hurt for hurt.

I still "go there" myself.

I'm getting better at just "being aware" of those feelings and letting them go. But man... when it happens to people I know and love... I feel almost superhuman. I feel like I radiate power. Does that make sense?

In those moments, I have to be very careful about what I say & do. That's where the study of non-violence & the soulforce principles really help.

"Be angry and do not sin."

[Zerbie]

Rage. Anger. Wanting to return hurt for hurt.

I still "go there" myself.

I'm getting better at just "being aware" of those feelings and letting them go. But man... when it happens to people I know and love... I feel almost superhuman. I feel like I radiate power. Does that make sense?

In those moments, I have to be very careful about what I say & do. That's where the study of non-violence & the soulforce principles really help.



This speaks to me too, Nathan. When cruelty is directed at someone I love, even if indirectly, I ride a wave of superhuman anger and that's the one time when my tendency to let someone have it with both barrels comes blasting out. If I perceive someone as attacking the innocent - that's when my mind draws in black and white and I dispense with detachment, because defending the hurt person seems far more important and far more right than a calm response. It's a tough one. I agree we have to keep practicing.

Rick - nice to see you back. You were gone, right? I don't remember seeing many posts from you lately and I hoped you would be back. :love:

Wow - Scotty - the additional details draw an even worse picture than I imagined. :( As Daniel asks, does the family's reaction indeed have to do with claiming his inheritance? What's this BS about his sister thinks having him in the house NEXT DOOR is too close to her kids!!??

Sorry to hear he is in such a fragile physical condition while this is going on - this could definitely make things worse, as I'm sure you've noticed how interwoven the emotional is with the physical.

As to supporting and helping him, I second Andrew's suggestion of a third-party supporter - a counselor of some kind, a volunteer buddy type through a community center who you can both talk to, either separately or together.

Oh Scotty. (((((((( Scotty )))))))))
I am so so sorry this is going on. No matter how old you are, the reality that your own blood family rejects you like some kind of monster is a huge shock. :'( What a heartbreak! I wish the very best for you and your loved one. Please convey our concern to him. :pray: :pray: :pray:

Take care of yourself too, Scotty, don't forget that. :love:

[pnggrad79]

Scotty,
Is Adrian connected to any church group that is open and affirming? If not, that might be a place for him to start. Trying to get acceptance from people like his family is futile. He needs to go where people take him like he is and although it will be a slow, painful process, love by people who will accept him for what he is, makes it a little easier. And the trite adage-he is not the only one to which this behavior has happened. It is nonetheless painful in its own way and I feel for him. Shake off the dust and move on. :mad:

[keltic63]

Mind the Three-fold Laws you should three times bad and three times good.
When misfortune is enow wear the star upon your brow.

Be true in love this you must do unless your love is false to you.

These Eight words the Rede fulfill:

"An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"

just for you Scotty. I wanted to find some words that you might find comforting, but unfortunately I know so little of Wicca/Paganism. I do keep these words in my own mind though, and I hope they give you some hope too.

[BenL]

How can I support his personal sense of worth? How can I keep him from dying? I'm presently unable to let go of a sense of despair.

Scotty,

I'm sitting here in tears at work. I feel so helpless and so so enraged. Thanks, folks, for all the reminders on non-violence. It sure tests our ability to "turn the other cheek," doesn't it.

Scott, all you can do at this point is hold him. Cradle his head to your bosom. Let your hearbeat be the soothing lullabye he needs. That's all I could do for days for my trans husband when our kids told him they wanted him out of their lives, when the children he had borne in his female body said they never wanted to see him again. The email (such a personal mode of communication) came on Good Friday. How fitting. We cried nonstop through that Easter weekend.

Adrian is prostrate with grief. For his mother. For his family. It may indeed be weeks or months before he can see beyond the darkness. There is a Power that inhabits our world, even the dark parts of it, that we can connect with in times like these. Scott, be the conduit of that Power and Healing for you lover. It's all you can do at a time like this.

Much love for both of you. I will keep you guys in my heart all day.

BenL

[scott snedeker]

I am very touched and comforted by all of your responses. Zerbie, BenL, Andy, Daniel, Nathan, Pngrad, Keltic, Novaseeker, and others.

You all give me a sense of community and family. A way to change the direction of my focus.

"Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all grievances resentments and regrets and choose the miracle"

----Deepak Chopra, derived from The Course in Miracles.

You and the community of soulforce are the miracle. I can focus on that. And with that I feel hope. And in time maybe Adrain will too.


Love and affirmation,

Scotty:cowboy: