potential drama at church

[maestro_di_cappella]

Hey, folks. I don't post here often, but I do regularly read what's happening. I'm in this little situation right now (which I did not really expect to be in, but, I suppose that is life) and would appreciate your thoughts.

If you did not guess it from my user name, I am a director of music at a church and also a full-time graduate student. I am totally in love with what I do, and good things are happening in my ministry. I am however, not at all "out" to ANYONE. While my church is more progressive than other churches in our denomination, the gay thing has never really come up, and I assume they would most definitely take a somewhat conservative position on the issue. Right now I feel called to be single (which I believe is a totally legitimate, biblical, and important lifestyle) while I devote myself to the church and to those who need somebody becuase they don't have strong family support or parental figures... basically, I consider myself a Baptist monk if there were to be such a thing. ;-)

Now.. the problem. Being a young, single minister in a church evokes constant attempts at date "set ups." It has not been such a bad problem since there are not that many single people around my age in the church, however, a young lady has joined my choir recently. The moment I saw her I knew what was going through everyone's mind: "why don't he hook up with her???"

So, things go on as usual... We're cordial to the extent that I am with anyone else. Then, today, someone tells me that she was asking about me, was interested in me, etc. etc. etc... you've all heard what I'm talking about. Now I'm totally predicting lots of people really pushing for this to happen, and I'm in a situation where I must respond to her interest in one way or the other.

One option is, of course, to pursue it, which, at this point in my life, I think would be a very bad idea and a move that could end up hurting her. The only good result that could happen would to be for us to date a few weeks and for her to decide she really just can't stand me.

The best option would simply be to tell her I am not interested in dating, sparing details. However, what can I do about all of the prodding and questions from everyone else? "Why won't you date her? What do you not like about her? Is something "wrong" with you?" etc. She's a pretty and super-nice girl and people would have a hard time understanding why I wouldn't be all over that.

I was hoping this kind of situation would not come up during my time at this church, but it has. While I have often stated to others my monastic ideals and why I do not date, people do not necessarily take that seriously because they believe everyone should be about "hooking up."

Anyway, I don't know if there's an answer to this.. I'm not even sure whawt my question is. I would just appreciate some thoughts on how to deal with people I love in my church who want the best for me, yet can not completely know *everything* about me at this time.

Any help??

[keltic63]

I see a couple of things in your post that you can use without giving them clues to the *everything* part of your life ;)

You can be honest and say that you believe God's plan for your life, for now, does not include dating, but that you are using this time to refine your ministry. This is what I hear you saying in your post, so I assume that you can say this honestly. You don't have to say anything about your monastic ideals.

It also occurs to me that dating someone from within your congregation presents other problems. Not to be crass, but there's the saying "Do not get your meat where you get your bread." While she's not an employee, she is a part of the church. All of that would get messy/uncomfortable for you, her, and others if a relationship started, ended, etc. Basically, you're there to work/minister, not find a date.

[scott snedeker]

When I was a Young medical student (just a pup!) I too had a similar situation. A female nurse wanted to go to a movie with me. I said ok knowing fully well that she had amorous intentions. The forbidden fruit thing I guess. Why didn't I listen to my sceaming inner voice! But I didn't. I guess I didn't want to disapppoint her and hurt her feelings.

After the movie she suggested we go to my place. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I came out She was in a Victoria's Secret black lacy teddy! "Um I'm gay!" I blurted. she quickly got dressed and left. The last resort brutal honesty.

Passion is a strong feeling. Can lead to playful antics in someone who is usually conservative.

In my less open days (I'm a Publically visible activist now) I would respond
to Questions of "Are you married" with "It's not in my nature."

Nip this in the bud. Perhaps you could pass on to your friends that It's not in your nature right now to date (women not now and probably never, men just not now but maybe later). This makes sure that it's generally known and will hopefully avoid a real life sitcom drama with aftershock.

love and affirmation,

Scotty:cowboy:

[Steven E. Webster]

If you were a pastor or associate pastor, it would definitely be unethical and unprofessional to date anyone in the church you serve. Since you consider yourself a minister I think you should definitely apply that same rule to yourself, even if that is not the written policy in your congregation. Let people know the score on this.

I could imagine that you may find a lot of temptations in being single. You might find it difficult to cope with loneliness and sincere attempts at simple friendships might send the wrong message to folks. I could see the possibility that some young lady or young man might misinterpret your intention of friendship with the possibility that things could "get romantic."

You don't have a clerical collar that marks you as "off limits"--you'll need to state some policy ("I don't date." "I'm committed to the single life.") that will mark you as "off limits." In a culture that expects singles to couple up, and in a church that does not have a tradition of celibate ministers, you may be viewed as "queer" (in the general sense of that term). I have to admit "Baptist monk" sounds queer to me.:)

I'm an old married guy, what do I know?

Steven Webster

[Pablo Rafael]

Maestro,

It is good to see you post something again. I had thought maybe you were gone from the scene.

I know exactly what you are saying. I had the same problem when I was your age. (It seemed to really slow down at about age 35.) My solution to the situation was simply to act distant and uninterested. I tend to be quite shy so that worked OK.

There is a member of my parish, I don't know if he is gay or not. When people ask if he is married or make any comments about relationships, he replies, "I'm single by choice." He doesn't give any explanation and no one asks more. I think that's a good response. Don't feel pressured into explanations that you don't want to give. You are entitled to be single if you choose; you don't have to justify that to anyone.

My advice, from limited experience, is never, ever go along with it and appear interested. It is not honest and is not fair to the woman involved. It is a lot easier to get out of it before it starts than to break a relationship further down the road.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Daniel]

This oft quoted phrase comes to mind:



hell has no fury like a woman scorned

This term is a shortening of William Congreve's lines, "Heav'n has no rage, like love to hatred turn'd, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorn'd" (The Mourning Bride, 1697).

As others have noted, you don't want to go there. Keltic really gets it right. The more you keep your interaction with this person as business- and you are in the business of making music- the better.

Think of it this way. If you were straight and dated this person and it didn't work out, how would that make it any better?

Just say no. However you want, but just say NO.

[Zerbie]

Great advice from everyone here. Don't date this person. For BOTH reasons, don't pursue dating someone you are not interested in, and I also think it's wise if you don't date a parishioner in the church. You ARE an employee.

Re-read what Pablo said. He said you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. Just because they asked a question does not mean they are entitled to an answer, when that answer crosses personal boundaries on several levels. Just a short, polite, I choose to be single, and offer no justifications. They'll get it eventually.

[keltic63]

Re-read what Pablo said. He said you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. Just because they asked a question does not mean they are entitled to an answer, when that answer crosses personal boundaries on several levels. Just a short, polite, I choose to be single, and offer no justifications. They'll get it eventually.

this is a hard lesson to learn, imo. But it is an important lesson. I know that I've embarassed my partner at retail stores when the cashier has asked for a phone number before ringing up my purchases. I ask them directly why they need my number and what they will be doing with it. I've even given wrong numbers when they insist on having that info.

You don't have to offer info just because someone asks for it. You don't need to give more info than they need, either.

[pnggrad79]

I agree with everyone here, Maestro. It is nobody's business who you date, or if you date, or if you WANT to date. Church is not a hook-up place, it isn't eHarmony.com, nor is it a bar. If Ms. Pretty face wants a date, tell her to go to any of the above mentioned places for one. Just say, "I think you are nice and pretty, but I am not dating anyone right now by choice." And leave it at that. The rumor mill may grind, but you aren't the one feeding it. Best of luck to you and God bless your ministry.;)

[BruceChris]

This idea may not find favor with most of the posters here, but it could be very helpful, and not leave anyone with hurt feelings. It requires a woman friend, who knows who you are, and is willing to help. It would probably help, if she was from out of town.

If you have such a friend, and she is willing to help, just take her to a couple of church functions. Then, after that, when anyone asks you about her, you can make some vague comment, like "Oh, we're taking it slow".

Back in the bad old days, when the name Joe McCarthy was often heard, many state department employees, or those with a security clearance often did this, to keep their job, or even, God forbid, stay out of jail.

Comments, anyone?

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[Daniel]

BruceChris- you mean a beard. Oy-vey! I really hope we are past those days. What you are suggesting is the kind of skullduggery that leaves a very bad after-taste. In the end, it fools no one. And why does anyone have to be fooled? My feeling is that, strictly speaking, unless one is a public figure and is saying stuff which makes one a hypocrite ( Haggard come to mind here), one's sexuality is no one's business but one's own. But best case scenario? Tis better to come out. That way there is no need to fool anyone and the day of liberation draweth closer for everyone.

[pnggrad79]

Daniel,
couldn't agree more, coming out is the best thing. Maestro may have his reasons for being closeted though. Hiding is never good. But in today's political climate, sometimes it is best or the most expedient. It is just no one's business who one dates. ;)

[keltic63]

I understand maestro's reasons for wanting to remain closeted in this job, and while I agree that being out is best, it does appear that being out could endanger his position, and so we must respect that decision. However, many have posted that it is possible for maestro to indicate that dating is
a) not something he is interested in at the moment
b) not ethical, given his position within the church, as far as dating a member/attendee of that church.

nothing more needs to be said to those who wish to play matchmaker. neither statement are lies nor are they masquerades.

[pnggrad79]

Keltic,
I love your signature! That is sooooo the truth.:lol: :lol: :lol:

[RainbowL'elly]

you know, you already said that you fell called to a single life- you're in a church, what better place to use your spirituality and your calling to justify not dating? if you feel called not to be, there's your reason and your explaination to these people- talk with your pastor, get their support, talk to other people in your congregation about your beliefs, and once it's out there, she has no reason to persue it and push the matter if your beliefs are known and acknowledged.