No right to be gay

[GirlGirl]

Hi everyone,

This is my first forum post. Kinda nervous.

Well, here goes:

I have a girlfriend and I really want to be one of those people who have no choice about being gay, cause it makes it a no-brainer. But I think I could fall in love with a man again, if it were the right man.

So the external homophobia in my life (from my ex and his family) and my internal homophobia conspire to tell me that if that is the case, I should choose to be straight.

I am in love with a woman who is wonderful, capable, a good match for me, stimulating, encouraging, and just delightfully sweet. I like our interactions. I like our role-switching, our cooperation, our independence, and our commitment. If all else were equal, I would not have any questions. But all is NOT equal.

I'm reading The Lesbian Family Life Cycle, written in 1995 by Suzanne Slater. I wonder if the world she paints in 1995 is different from the world in 2007. She describes the continual daily stress on lesbian families, from homophobia in the world.

I want to know if it's worth it. And I want to know if I have any right to put myself and my children through this if it's not an unavoidable reality.

(I know the standard answer - you have the right to be happy, choose what makes you happy, and isn't that enough. Right now, today, it's not enough. I want more - I want to know how big the cost is, and why it's okay to be gay.)

Hope this is the right spot for this post.

Lisa

[Daniel]

Lisa- welcome. No need to be nervous.

I'm sure you will want to hear from the gals around here. Their words might resonant more with you.

What I hear in your words is fear- and that is understandable. As you put it yourself, internal and external homophobia can do a number on one's sense of self.

I'll cut to the chase here. You want to know if it is worth it. Well. Yes. I can say- as a gay man in his 15th year of marriage to a man- it is worth it. But you can't take my word for it. You're going to have to find the strength and love- the glue- inside you which will make all the difference in the world. That will be your answer- not a balance sheet.

You say you love this woman. Can you see yourself growing older together?

Yes. Straight folks have all kinds of advantages that gay folks don't, but that is changing minute by minute. And I don't see this as being a choice between being gay and having an easy life, as if straight people have an easy life.

Life isn't easy for anyone- no matter how you slice it. No one gets out alive. ;)

How do you want to be spending the time you have? And with whom?

It sounds extreme, but try this: pretend you are going to die in 5 years. How do you want to spend those years? What do you want to be doing? Then get busy doing it, keeping the preciousness of life in mind.

[GirlGirl]

Daniel,

I do hope to hear from others, especially women, but your answer cracks open the doors of hope that I recently slammed shut - out of fear, as you heard correctly.

Thank you - you are right: life is precious, and difficult whatever choices we make. I also hear you saying it's not about getting everything right.

As for growing older together - yes, I often think of that possibility with joy.

Thank you for a thoughtful reply.

Lisa

[Zerbie]

Hang in there girlgirl!!

Thanks for your open and honest post. Something drew me to log in here one more time before crashing to bed - not feeling enough energy for a lengthy or substantial response, but I want you to know you're being heard.

I can relate to a lot of what you write. I've been in love with both women and men. My one regret is having pushed away the girl I was first in love with out of sheer internal homophobia. I will tell you I regret that choice and wish I had pursued that relationship further back then when it was truly all that I wanted.

Let's talk some more about this, perhaps tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

Hang in there and don't make any major decisions until you are feeling more secure inside.

Wish you the best.
:love: :pray: :love: :pray:

[GirlGirl]

Encouraging words... I'd like to talk more.

Lisa

[Zerbie]

Hi everyone,

This is my first forum post. Kinda nervous.

Well, here goes:

I have a girlfriend and I really want to be one of those people who have no choice about being gay, cause it makes it a no-brainer. But I think I could fall in love with a man again, if it were the right man.

I relate to this. I am by orientation bisexual, and more than anything else I wanted to be one thing or another - the categories are straight and gay, right? Wrong. The categories overlap, and only some people fit neatly into one or the other with NO interest/attraction/fantasies/dreams/experimentation about the gender they are less often attracted to. I understand wanting an answer. Sounds like for you, as for me, the answer is: both categories apply to an extent.

So the external homophobia in my life (from my ex and his family) and my internal homophobia conspire to tell me that if that is the case, I should choose to be straight.

When I was younger a gay man told me outright that since I "could" pass for straight my whole life long, I "should" so that I could avoid the dangers of homophobia. I think that many genuinely bisexual people DO make that choice. It is indeed open to you and only you can decide if you want to.

I chose to live "out" as a bisexual individual and be open to whoever my partner turned out to be, and he turned out to be a guy, which then put me in a kind of default closet, since everyone now perceives me as straight, which is kind of true, just not entirely consistent with my history and self-perception. In your case, you seem to have found a potential lifelong partner, but unlike me, it wouldn't by default place you in the realm of heterosexual privilege - rather, it would identify you as "lesbian." Of course I can see why that would be very scary. It is up to you whether you decide this relationship is indeed worth the risk. Tho I must add - all relationships entail risk, even privileged ones contain emotional risk. So don't expect to be able to avoid all risk in life by avoiding relationships with women.


I am in love with a woman who is wonderful, capable, a good match for me, stimulating, encouraging, and just delightfully sweet. I like our interactions. I like our role-switching, our cooperation, our independence, and our commitment. If all else were equal, I would not have any questions. But all is NOT equal.

I'm reading The Lesbian Family Life Cycle, written in 1995 by Suzanne Slater. I wonder if the world she paints in 1995 is different from the world in 2007. She describes the continual daily stress on lesbian families, from homophobia in the world.

I should look at that book. Haven't heard of it before, but I would guess the answer to your question is both Yes and No. The status of LGBT rights changes very often - almost weekly or monthly, as we face various victories and setbacks around the nation and globe. There has been a LOT of improvement the past ten years in terms of businesses offering employee benefits, legal rights/recognitions handed out piecemeal by the courts and legislatures. More people, especially young ones, know a gay person and understand there is nothing spooky about gay people. But there is still a climate of loathing and backlash, as you know.

I want to know if it's worth it. And I want to know if I have any right to put myself and my children through this if it's not an unavoidable reality.

Only you can decide if it's worth it. Can you imagine life without your girlfriend? What is the situation with your children? how old? who do they live with now?

- I want to know how big the cost is, and why it's okay to be gay.)

Lisa

You are not going to know how big the cost is until/unless you take the leap. Yes there are some dangers. But all life and all relationships entail risk.

My yoga teacher says the funniest thing when a student is afraid to try a new pose for the first time, like a headstand.
"If you're afraid of the pose, try it, and see if you die."
Then the pose doesn't seem so scary anymore. Dunno if those words might help you some, but just in case, there they are. :)

Lisa, I wish you courage. Be happy in whatever decision you make. But do immerse yourself in life, whatever you decide, do LIVE.

:love: :pray: :dove: :flower2:

[novaseeker]

Hi there and welcome

The one word of caution I would offer as you work through these issues is that it's important to truly discern what your orientation is -- that is, within "bisexual", what is your sub-orientation, if any.

In my own personal experience, many bisexual people I have met in real life do "lean" one way or the other, and therefore it can be "tricky" deciding to opt for a straight relationship for a variety of real life reasons if in fact you "lean" lesbian ... but that depends entirely on whether you lean either way and, importantly, to what degree you do. If you have a more pronounced lesbian leaning within your bisexual orientation, this *could* lead to issues pursuing a straight relationship in a fulfilling way, particularly if you choose to do so for real life reasons that are separate from your underlying leanings. On the other hand, if you have a more pronounced straight leaning, the inverse may be the case. And if you really don't lean one way or the other, that's a piece of information which in itself is helpful in assessing your situation. Either way, it's important to step back a bit and take a good, honest, real stock in just where your own leanings are, orientationally, if any, as a part of working through these kinds of issues.

[BruceChris]

I would love to offer you encouragement, support, and good advice, but everybody else seems to have beaten me to it.

Re what you read in that book, it makes a world of difference whether you are living in the bible belt, or in a large city where you can connect with the gay community, and maybe live in the same neighborhood. If you are truly, madly in love, start working on plans to find and move to such a place Right Now.

I'd say follow your heart, use your head, and find all you can in life.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[Daniel]

I'd say follow your heart, use your head, and find all you can in life.


Ohh.......baby.....that....is......good! :cool:

[keltic63]

How do you want to be spending the time you have? And with whom?

It sounds extreme, but try this: pretend you are going to die in 5 years. How do you want to spend those years? What do you want to be doing? Then get busy doing it, keeping the preciousness of life in mind.

Let me echo Daniel's advice: When I was in a straight marriage, I did indeed think about the future. I could not envision what that life would be like, and what's more, I didn't see myself being very happy even if things stayed as they were. Now that I am living an open and out life with a wonderful man, I can't imagine my life without him. I worry about him, I dream about him, I think about our future together. Just today I thought about the 1 night he spent in the hospital since we've been together. There's no way that I want to repeat that, even for just 1 night.
try that exercise. where do you want to be? who are you with?

[GirlGirl]

My yoga teacher says the funniest thing when a student is afraid to try a new pose for the first time, like a headstand.
"If you're afraid of the pose, try it, and see if you die."
Then the pose doesn't seem so scary anymore. Dunno if those words might help you some, but just in case, there they are. :)



Zerbie - love the yoga quote. I do have this idea that I have to get it all figured out before I do ANYTHING, and that's just not the way life goes. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, so I'm a little overcautious. Then a friend quoted me this poem:

The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show.
— Author unknown

Then she said... this sounds good, but it's baloney! God doesn't care where you've been along the way, God cares who you are becoming. Mistakes are part of the package.

So I'll live life as alively as I can, like you said.

You are all sooooo helpful.:)

[GirlGirl]

Hi there and welcome

The one word of caution I would offer as you work through these issues is that it's important to truly discern what your orientation is -- that is, within "bisexual", what is your sub-orientation, if any.

In my own personal experience, many bisexual people I have met in real life do "lean" one way or the other,

Thank you, NovaSeeker, for giving me something to hang my hat on. I always SAY I don't like labels, but in practice sometimes it's nice to have some definition in life. :) You've given me one I can be comfortable with.

Lisa

[GirlGirl]

Let me echo Daniel's advice: When I was in a straight marriage, I did indeed think about the future. I could not envision what that life would be like, and what's more, I didn't see myself being very happy even if things stayed as they were. Now that I am living an open and out life with a wonderful man, I can't imagine my life without him. I worry about him, I dream about him, I think about our future together. Just today I thought about the 1 night he spent in the hospital since we've been together. There's no way that I want to repeat that, even for just 1 night.
try that exercise. where do you want to be? who are you with?

You sound so sweet.

Y'know, that's a good point. When I was in a straight marriage, my hopeful thoughts of the future involved scenarios where my spouse had died before me. (Isn't that awful?)

But I don't want my girlfriend to die before me. In fact, I'm pleased that she comes from a family known for its longevity (since she's six years younger than me.) My visions of the future involve rocking chairs, familiar routines, and quiet companionship.

Thanks for replying.

Lisa

[Zerbie]

But I don't want my girlfriend to die before me. In fact, I'm pleased that she comes from a family known for its longevity (since she's six years younger than me.) My visions of the future involve rocking chairs, familiar routines, and quiet companionship.


Lisa

That looks like an answer to me.

[Daniel]

Lisa- Your post reminded me of the words of a friend of mine- a wise counselor- which I paraphrase here:

"There is always darkness before the light. This is just God's way of getting you to take a good look at what you are leaving behind before you step forward."

[scott snedeker]

I am reminded of a Dutch proverb: "Once you step out of the door, You already have a large part of the journey behind you."

Your venture on to this site and asking this question warms my heart and fuels my building optimism the world is becoming a kinder place at a pace that overwhelms me with joy!

Because you are taking the first step to understanding and thus breaking down barriers to love, you are furthering the truly Christian spirit of universal love! Universal love, The simplest and most accurate answer to the Question: "What would Jesus DO?"

Acceptance and affirmation of your own NATURE is the foundation of Spirituality

Some say being gay is a choice. They are half right. You can choose to be
true to your nature and experience passion, romance and love, all essential
parts of a balanced normal life. Or you can ignore you nature and tragically never let that part of your love come to life.

Love and affirmation,

Scotty:cowboy:

[GirlGirl]

Okay, so to be honest, last week's post was inspired by my conversation with my therapist, who is straight. I figured out why I was upset and hashed it out with her today.

Last week she said that although she thought men were born gay or not gay, she thought women's attraction to other women was formed during a key period in their development, often due to a severe lack of nurturing from their mothers. She also cited negative experiences with men as a contributing factor.

I realized that this made me feel like being attracted to women was the result of something negative, some lack in my upbringing, and it was therefore not as good as being hetero.

Today I challenged her and she said "You're right, I thought I was very open and accepting but I may have hidden biases. I want to keep on hearing from you about this."

I don't want to open her up to broad scale attack - that's not my point. She is open to learning, I am able to teach her about being non-straight, I think that's a good thing, and she's incredible in many other ways.

Here's my question:
What do you think makes women choose women? If you were completely honest, would you say you believe it's:

1. a result of not having been nurtured by a female figure early in life,

2. a disenchantment with or fear of men,

3. an orientation you're born with, and aware of very early in life if it's authentic

4. an orientation you are born with, but may not discover until later in life

5. entirely free choice

6. an inclination that can be overridden, though at a cost

7. something else

(I welcome responses from men as well as women. I'm trying to figure out what gay people believe about this.)

[andrewlittle]

Lisa said:
Here's my question:
What do you think makes women choose women? If you were completely honest, would you say you believe it's:
1. a result of not having been nurtured by a female figure early in life,
2. a disenchantment with or fear of men,
3. an orientation you're born with, and aware of very early in life if it's authentic
4. an orientation you are born with, but may not discover until later in life
5. entirely free choice
6. an inclination that can be overridden, though at a cost
7. something else
(I welcome responses from men as well as women. I'm trying to figure out what gay people believe about this.)

To be completely honest, I believe all people - lesbian, gay, bi, trans, straight, homophobic - come to sexuality with a great number of contributing factors. It is, I believe, a dangerous thing to try to pigeon-hole such multi-facetted beings as humans, especially when it comes to something as deeply personal and intimate as sexuality.

We have seen the damage resulting from shame-based structures when we consider "straight", homophobic pastors being "outed" as latent gays. What prompted them to deny their sexuality so long, to suppress it to the point that it squeezed out in unhealthy ways - shame, shame and more shame. And these are just the high-profile, public examples of what, I believe, is an ongoing issue in many straights.

The likelihood exists, then, that early events in one's life can have an effect on sexual orientation - for GLBT as well. Is this, however, the norm, or is it just one aspect of what brings each person to a sexual identity that is healthy for them.

Is sexuality genetic - yes. Is sexuality determined early in life - yes. Is sexuality developed as a result of life's experiences - yes.

Do we consciously chose sexuality - I don't think so, most of the time, but who can answer for every single person. Whatever the underlying factors to each person's sexuality might be, they find ways to exist sexually in the world that are, hopefully, healthy or trying to find ways that lead them towards health.

This is not a criticism of your question - but of the "study" of cause in the first place - it strikes me as prurient interest. It stems from the ingrained bias that straight is normative - therefore, anything else is a deviation of some kind.

To me it's about as important as why some people like red and others green; why some like to cook and others paint; why some people are visually stimulated and some using other senses.

Coming to terms with earlier life experiences that shape or deform our interactions in unhealthy ways is an important endeavor. For some, this may include issues of sexuality, for many it won't. For many it may include symptoms of cultural bias and oppression that arise because of sexuality, for some it doesn't.

The key for me is how do we help people find healthy ways of loving another/others, no matter who the "other" is or in what way that ends up flourishing, as opposed to concentrating on why they love a particular someone based on social norms.

Healthy loving should be the goal, not identifying which kinds of loving we may or may not think is normal.

Am I making any sense?

[Daniel]

Lisa- I think your therapist should be paying you. ;) How much does she charge an hour?

A thought occurs to me here: it isn't until the age of 13 or so (the age or reason) when the left side of the brain activates that we start thinking in conceptual terms. Before then, we are busy being. Too busy to be thinking about what we are or aren't and why and wherefore.

It strikes me that this whole matter of looking for a cause is overrated and frankly, rather like digging a deep hole (the underlying assumption is that there is something wrong with what is). And the first law of holes is this:

Stop Digging.

What's that scripture? Something about to enter the Kingdom of God we must be as little children?

Just Be. There need not be a reason for what is. Any more than we should ask, as if we can make value judgement, on whether it is good or bad for the sun to come up in the morning. We can see it with our own eyes.

Find a therapist who will lead you to your Self. Not away from it. Grrrrr. Her slip is showing and it ain't pretty. And watch out for transference. It goes both ways.

And for an exceedingly interesting take on matters psychoanalytic, read Supplements to A Course in Miracles: Psychotherapy- purpose, process and practice. Heady stuff? Yes. It may be more than you asked for or need, but I have found it to be helpful in these matters.

[tpdncr4christ]

Here's my question:
What do you think makes women choose women? If you were completely honest, would you say you believe it's:

1. a result of not having been nurtured by a female figure early in life,

2. a disenchantment with or fear of men,

3. an orientation you're born with, and aware of very early in life if it's authentic

4. an orientation you are born with, but may not discover until later in life

5. entirely free choice

6. an inclination that can be overridden, though at a cost

7. something else


Though it might be comforting to know why we are this way, I don't really think it is that important.

I see why the CC's want to know. They want to know what causes homosexuality so they can prevent it. They want to know they have some power in casting the dice that decideds whether their children are homosexual. They want to know what causes the disease, so they can figure out a cure.

Us, on the other hand, I don't see why we want to know. It would be nice, comforting, to know why we are this way, but just as Daniel and Andrew said it is too dificult to define oursleves into a set category. Personally, I find the whole issue kind of silly. I mean, no one is out there looking for a gene that determines whether you like baseball over football, or vice versa. Its probably a combination of what you're raised with, a conscious choice, and something genetic. ;)

[Zerbie]

I think I used to have that therapist. That is precisely what mine said (except for the "I may have hidden bias" part, mine insisted she was correct and that lesbianism was a mental disease.) It was due to months of pressure from her that I pulled away from the girl I was in love with - something I have regretted ever since then. That therapist used to say that gay men really existed, as a third sex, but that lesbians did NOT. So there were men, women, homosexuals (that was, men), and lesbians were a "myth." Despite how illogical I found that reasoning, she had the PhD, I was 20, she was the expert, and I was there for help (for OTHER things), so I succumbed to the pressure in my attempts to be healthy and strong and do what was morally correct. Never stopped regretting it.

Lisa, whatever you decide with regard to your relationship, let it be for what is best for you within YOUR understanding, not in response to psychological pressure from someone else. Pressure from a member of the psychological/psychiatric establishment can be VERY strong, simply because of the authority and expertise implicit in their position as therapist.

Like Andrew, I believe that ALL of those conditions in your numbered list come into play in developing one's sexuality - to various degrees in different people. To say it is either inborn OR learned is probably an over-simplication. Until or unless science learns for sure, I accept that it is more complex than that, as in human life, so many factors roll up into forming our feelings and responses. Though if it helps, I remember having sexual feelings for women by the age of 3, even though I didn't know what the feelings were or meant, of course.

What made me "choose" the girl I was in love with when I was 20 - if by choose you mean "fall in love" was the sheer awe when I looked at her, which magnified ten million times when she looked back at me. Nothing short of awe. Tremendous and overwhelming awe.

Lisa, I applaud your therapist for bravely admitting her bias and the fact that she has more to learn. I hope that she will research some worthy sources on counseling for lesbian/gay concerns and take them to heart. It is possible that her bias may however, continue to interfere and place doubts in your heart. If that happens, I would suggest that you seek a competent therapist who is neutral on the matter, without bias or any investment in how you identify yourself on the sexuality continuum. That needs to be YOURS to determine, and many people will be willing to tell you what you are or what you should feel, etc. Avoid them, at least as counselors!

As Daniel says, just be. Let the thoughts slow down, and when you are at peace, just being, you will know all you need to know.

Best to you.
:love: :) :pray:

[poetcomic]

I want to know if it's worth it. And I want to know if I have any right to put myself and my children through this if it's not an unavoidable reality.


Hi,

I was married to my best friend, who happened to be male, although I knew for some time I might be a lesbian.

While I was not in love with a woman, I was torn up about what to do about knowing that although I loved him, I could not look at myself in the mirror because I did not know who the person was looking back at me.

Ultimately, I did not do what would have made me happy. I did what was best for me, my soul, my very being - I asked for a divorce.

The "happy" and "easy" route would have been to stay married. We adored each other. Our families adored us. Everyone thought we were a perfect match. But in my heart & soul I knew I was not meant to be with a man. I did not know if there was a woman out there I was meant to be with, but that did not affect my decision.

I personally believe leaving "one way" or "the other" for someone other than yourself is a bad move.

Children are incredibly flexible - much more than adults.

If you are a lesbian and stay "straight" so to speak, it will eventually hurt your children one way or another. And it will definitely hurt you.

doreen
poetcomic.blogspot.com

[BruceChris]

Just because someone got all of their wallpaper in grad school, even if they have a lot of it, doesn't mean that they know everything, or that they don't have biases.

(It seems like I've spent most of my life in school, and yet somehow, I STILL have this anti-intellectual bias that I can't seem to shake) :confused: :o :lol:

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[GirlGirl]

Andy and Daniel,

I agree with you both. I don't think I'll find any definitive answers, since no one else has been able to figure it out. I am getting pretty comfortable with myself, though it's an iterative process and so it ebbs and flows.

Here's the thing, though. All on my own, if I am just floating along being, that's great, but as a gay person in a culture that is very anti-gay, I have two options: to hide from censure, or to know how to respond to it.

I think the only way to be prepared to respond is to know what kinds of things people think about gay people, and to know what other gay people think about those things.

In this thread, I'm no longer engaged in identity digging, which is what you both responded to: I've shifted to the nuts and bolts of filtering the messages I get. I feel extremely naive at this point. If someone says to me "you're this way because your parents smoked pot," how do I evaluate that statement?

I feel like I'm reinventing the wheel every day. Why? Because I don't know other gay people, and because it's all so new. It took me two days to recognize that there was a derogatory message packaged up in that statement about mothers. I want some help decoding the oppression so I can sidestep it (emotionally) without getting knocked over for two days.

Perhaps my gender comes into play here. Are there not so many women around the forums?

On the other hand, I'm printing out your words (both of you) so I can reflect on them further. There's lots in what you said that I need to internalize.

Thanks!

Lisa

[GirlGirl]

:o

There's another page of posts...

great responses, thanks. Like I said, my counselor isn't pressuring me to be straight (and would be horrified at the thought) but that doesn't mean she doesn't have unrecognized bias.

As do I.

Lisa

[tdogg]

Here's my question:
What do you think makes women choose women? If you were completely honest, would you say you believe it's:

1. a result of not having been nurtured by a female figure early in life,

2. a disenchantment with or fear of men,

3. an orientation you're born with, and aware of very early in life if it's authentic

4. an orientation you are born with, but may not discover until later in life

5. entirely free choice

6. an inclination that can be overridden, though at a cost

7. something else



Hi Lisa

I knew fairly early on (late teenager) that I had an attraction to girls. However, being raised in a stout fundamental AG household, it was never an option for me. I didn't believe it was wrong per se (my mother was bi and had long term relationships with women), only that it was not an option for me. I was in love with Kristi McNicol (what young lesbian wasn't) and Jamie the bionic woman but had no idea why - in other words they made my palms sweat and other physiological happenings but wasn't sure why I felt that way. After several relationships with men and an 18 year relationship with my ex husband I finally allowed myself to own it - I am gay and there was no reason to deny it or not act on it. Believe me, this took a LOT of personal growth over a LOT of years, but I finally arrived at accepting and loving myself.

My life experience brought me to a place where the timing was perfect, the situation existed and my new maturity allowed myself to vocally state my desire to date another woman, and here we are, just over 2 years together and it's wonderful. Is it worth it? Absolutely! It was SO worth waiting for. Is it a piece of cake? Not always! Some family and friends have hurt me deeply, and of course we don't have equal rights and at times its hard to take some folks' reactions. BUT, I would not change a thing.

On the Kinsey scale, I'm probably somewhere between a 4.5 and 5 - I find myself attracted to males on occasion, but without the sexual desire. And I just can't picture myself in an emotional relationship again with a man. But women...now that's a different story! I'm so happy to be in a wonderful monogamous relationship with my love and have no desire to stray, but it's nice 'looking' now and then!

Everyone else said it so well - follow your heart and don't listen to what everyone else wants you to do. I did that for 40 years of my life, lived for everyone else, and it's not a happy place to be. Now, I'm free to be who I am, live how I want, be with who I choose and although I love my loved ones dearly, I can no longer live my life for them. Plus, I have found that those who truly love me accept me for who I am and are very happy that I'm happy.

It takes some real soul searching, but it seems like you've done that already.

[Daniel]

...follow your heart and don't listen to what everyone else wants you to do. I did that for 40 years of my life, lived for everyone else, and it's not a happy place to be. Now, I'm free to be who I am, live how I want, be with who I choose and although I love my loved ones dearly, I can no longer live my life for them. Plus, I have found that those who truly love me accept me for who I am and are very happy that I'm happy.


Well spoke! Well spoke! :applause: :applause: :applause:

[GirlGirl]

I find it comforting that it's been a process for you to get used to. I am going through that process, and it's just kind of rough sometimes. I love what you said about its being SO worth it.

I asked my (only) lesbian friends (a long-time couple) what it was like to live their lives around here - did they feel battered emotionally? Each of them said she has only felt that way a couple of times in her life - once when they tried to get dependent benefits, once when their marriage on the courthouse steps in San Francisco was taken away from them, and once when one of them received a homophobic review on RateYourProfessors. They choose to surround themselves with people who have no problem with it.

I don't want to surround myself with people who are already fine with it. I want to be visible and a force for change.:weee: :applause:

And I want to hide in the closet and not let anyone know, keep all my privileges, and not rock the boat. :shield:

After a lifetime of hetero (and white) privileges, I'm just scared to join a minority. Sad, but true.

Part of me wants to join the fight, make a difference for a marginalized group of people, and part of me wants an escape door in case it gets too hard.

Anyone else a mess of contradictions??

Lisa