A modern retelling of the Esther story

[GirlGirl]

Hey guys,

My gf and I have written a play that is (we hope) a retelling of the Esther story in today's political climate. She, a seminary student, will be presenting it to local pastors here in the Bay Area, and we hope to have it performed in the summer.

We would be undyingly grateful to any of you smart people who would be willing to review it for authenticity and whatever. It's only 26 pages.

Here's an excerpt to entice you into reading the rest (the formatting didn't translate well to here):

LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
BILLY sits in a chair, reading. Michael comes over and sits on the side.
BILLY
Did you finish up the annual report?
MICHAEL
(rubbing his temples)
Yeah, I just finished. Is Ivan asleep already?
BILLY
Yeah. He dropped off fast tonight. We had a busy day with soccer practice after school.
MICHAEL turns on the TV for the 10 o’clock news, already in progress.
ANNOUNCER
(Voice offstage)
Tonight’s big news is the governor’s crackdown on gay foster parents. After Tuesday’s stunning revelation of a statewide child prostitution ring run by gay foster parents, the governor vowed to protect foster children and bring the perpetrators to justice. Today, he made good on that promise, calling for the death penalty in this case, firing the head of the Department of Families and Children, and announcing a sweeping reform of the foster care system. The governor hinted that gays and lesbians will be barred from parenting children as part of the overhaul.
Newscast runs clip of governor’s press conference:

“We will not hand over our children to homosexuals who turn out to be compulsive, predatory sex offenders. These people are the sickest of the sick.”

As always, Channel 4 is keeping you abreast of this breaking story, and local reactions to the governor’s “get tough” actions.
BILLY shakes his head and reaches for MICHAEL’S hand.
BILLY
Can you believe him? Every time a gay man steps out of line, they trot this stuff out. It’s so old.
MICHAEL turns off TV. He frowns.
MICHAEL
I don’t like the direction this is headed, Billy.
BILLY
Michael, honey, you’re the Director of The Equality Campaign. Somebody ought wash his mind out with soap. Why don’t you head over to the Governor’s mansion with a bar of soap?
MICHAEL
This is going to a lot take more than soap, Bill.
BILLY
Well, you’ve got relationships on both sides, Michael. You’re the man.
MICHAEL
I’m talking with everyone, Billy. The governor has really strapped it on for this one.
BILLY
Oh, sweets. This will be a late night for you, won’t it? Well, I’m going to bed because everything always looks better in the morning.
BILLY leans over and kisses MICHAEL, then leaves the room.
MICHAEL
Goodnight, hon. I’ll join you in a while.
MICHAEL stands up and dials his Blackberry.
MICHAEL
Mark, sorry to bother you late. What are they cooking up for you to vote on?

Thanks for looking,

Lisa
p.s. I am not sure how to send you the pdf file but I'll figure that out later.

[andrewlittle]

I'll PM my e-mail address to you.

Don't forget - put a copyright claim on it, okay?

Andy

[andrewlittle]

... you asked for smart people. Well, look, if none of them step up, I'm still willing.

[GirlGirl]

I take it back! I want wonderful people to read it. You all qualify...

:) :)

Which doesn't mean you have to be nice about your feedback. It's okay, she can take criticism. And I'll just blame her.

Lisa

[zimnah]

I'd love to read your play!
We Jews read the book of Esther every year for Purim. I usually get chapter eight. It would be wonderful to read it in a language other than the Hebrew-Persian mix I get stuck with every year :lol:
I'll PM you my email. I'm looking forward to it!
--Dawn :love:

[andrewlittle]

I have been through the play twice, so far. It deserves more reading - from others, as well.

Initially my thoughts are that is quite powerful. It is, indeed, true to the flow of the biblical narrative, and I like the way it leaves me wanting to know more about a couple of the situations. On the first reading, I thought the vacation issue needed fleshed out more, but on the second I decided I liked the allusions because they are so life like. We rarely know the details, just the spin.

I'm no theatre arts person, so I could indeed be wrong, but I think the ending gets a little short shrift. It feels like the play speeds up considerably towards the end, and it lacks much of the movement that is part of the Esther story. That could be intended, so take that for what it's worth.

Overall, it leaves me wanting to read it again - not just so I can give you a better opinion, but because I found it strengthening, encouraging and challenging.

Give me another day or so. I'll get back.

[GirlGirl]

I'm no theatre arts person, so I could indeed be wrong, but I think the ending gets a little short shrift. It feels like the play speeds up considerably towards the end, and it lacks much of the movement that is part of the Esther story. That could be intended, so take that for what it's worth.

Overall, it leaves me wanting to read it again - not just so I can give you a better opinion, but because I found it strengthening, encouraging and challenging.


Andy - Thank you! I agree with you about the ending. It feels anticlimactic. We were talking about changing to be a big party - a Purim party. You're saying to maybe slow it down near the end?

I would love one of the theatre people to read it - Daniel or Zerbie? - to offer some insight into the denouement on the stage.

I look forward to more comments from you. I'm thrilled that you found it strengthening/encouraging/challenging. Thank you for reading!

Lisa

[andrewlittle]

Slowing it down is probably the wrong wording, after I read it again.

See if this makes sense.

In the Esther narrative, it is more obvious that Esther is really the hero, takes all the risks and gets little of the recognition at the end. Mordecai gets more recognition than he deserves, I think, since Esther took the risks. Sure Esther is the Queen, but Mordecai is the big shot.

In your play, Esme plays what, to me, is the pivitol role, takes the chances, etc. That follows very well. I don't get the sense at the end, however, that I do in the Esther story - I feel like I need to see more that Michael's reward is out of balance with his efforts, and comes from the effort and kind of at the expense of Esme.

Of course, I couldn't tell you how to accomplish that, or even if you should. Maybe Esme should be seen as more of a hero, to counteract the male-centeredness of the original story.

That being said, I would take people to see this play if it was near where I live. It does have powerful points and is really theologically and socially significant, I think.

[GirlGirl]

Thanks, Andy, for your insightful comments.

We made Mordecai the main man because everyone plays up Esther's role. On the other hand, you make a good point: it's always the guy who gets to be the hero. Esther is one notable exception.

Would you be willing to read a later draft, after we revise?

Our dream is to put this on in the Bay Area this summer.

I'd like to get some more readers from here, too. Maybe after we revise I'll start a new thread - would that work?

Lisa