Do You Cover?

[keltic63]

The Pressure to Cover (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/15/magazine/15gays.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5088&en=0a9f6488f3feb0e0&ex=1294981200&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss)


The Pressure to Cover
By KENJI YOSHINO

When I began teaching at Yale Law School in 1998, a friend spoke to me frankly. "You'll have a better chance at tenure," he said, "if you're a homosexual professional than if you're a professional homosexual." Out of the closet for six years at the time, I knew what he meant. To be a "homosexual professional" was to be a professor of constitutional law who "happened" to be gay. To be a "professional homosexual" was to be a gay professor who made gay rights his work. Others echoed the sentiment in less elegant formulations. Be gay, my world seemed to say. Be openly gay, if you want. But don't flaunt.



I found this article as I was looking for something to illustrate my question about covering. I've done it, continue to do it, yet I'm always surprised as I'm doing it. The article takes a deeper look at the concept and pressure to conform. I think it's worthy of a discussion here.

some questions:
what do I say in the teacher's lounge, when I talk about having dinner with my partner last night?
when I recount a conversation, do I mention that it took place as we climbed into bed for the evening?
Do I refer to my partner as husband, boyfriend, roommate, or friend?
in which situations do I use different terms for him?
does calling him my friend or roommate deny our relationship?

I think there's a lot here. I'm not sure that we've covered these things before.

[NathanATX]

I usually am pretty out in the open... if it's "acceptable" for a guy to talk about his girlfriend, then I will talk about my boyfriend.

Sometimes, I let people make assumptions for awhile because I don't have the energy or the interest to correct them. "The reveal" is usually interesting and sometimes just plain fun... I *always* talk about myself & my boyfriend as if my relationship/orientation will be approved of. 90% of the time, I get a great reaction. (even in Texas)

On the rare instance where I sense (or hear) that someone disapproves, I make my shock and disbelief (that I could possibly know someone that ignorant/bigoted/homophobic/unsophisticated) very clear.

I sincerely expect a positive reception. If I don't get one, I basically make it very clear that I'm not a person to be messed with/discriminated against/etc.

[Daniel]

I remember reading this article when it first came out- and later saw the author on Charlie Rose. A very handsome and articulate fellow.

Living in a major city (NYC), one would think that covering isn't much of an issue, and, that is true to a great extent. I am blessed to work in the arts where being gay is something of a virtue- one is paid to play- where even the straight boys delight in can-you-top-this when the humor gets campy in the threatre dressing room. Put a man in a dress -gay or straight- or even a kilt for that matter- and gender starts to bend.

What do I call that guy I married in Canada?

My husband.

I've become pretty unapologetic about that. Though I find myself still having a moment's pause when answering the phone and have to make it clear just who I am and what my relationship is to said husband. There have been times when the word partner has come out of my mouth. And I always feel angry with myself after that. In my mind, partner isn't good enough, as if what I'm trying to do is not offend someone. As if saying 'husband' is much-too-gay but 'partner' is gay but-not-so-much-in-your-face.

Fear is trained into us I suppose. What is the person on the other end of the phone going to do? Come and get me?

And speaking of fear: in the environment of 'family' occasions, there is still that moment of silence after I inadvertently refer to something 'gay'. As if I just stepped in doggy-doo. "Jeez people! Will ya just get over yourselves!" I want to scream.

Not forgotten is the morning the husband and I stayed- by invitation- at my parents house and came down to breakfast where my missionary brother and his wife were. And I made the mistake (in my sister-in-law's mind) of putting my hand on my busband's shoulder in my half-awake state (bro kept his head down- looking like he just lost something).

La Grand Scena!

And I'm not talking about these guys: http://www.granscena.org/

Sooooooo operatic those fundi's.

[Daniel]

OK, so let me get this straight. You came down to breakfast and put your hand on his shoulder and your sister-in-law freaked out over that? What did she say? She knows that you are gay right? and that you have "been to Canada"? but she still thought that you had some responsibility to pretend some other reality so that she wouldn't have to see you? how sick is that!

Freaked out big time (this is during Christmas!)

She jumped up from the table - yelping - deer-in-the-headlight's look on her face- and started clawing at my brother who was growing redder by the minute and looking down at the table, jaw tight and eyes narrowing, looking like he was going to implode any second. I'm staring at them both like 'what is your problem'? Orange juice in one hand- the other hand on Mr. Husband's shoulder. My mother is in the kitchen only a few feet away- mad as a hornet that her daughter-in-law is auditioning for Ophelia. And after what seemed like half-an-hour, they left and went upstairs, slamming of doors included. My mother slamming dishes on the counter and cabinet doors.

Husband and I had been together about 8 years when this happen. And she knew I was gay and had met Mr. Husband more than several times. This was, however, the first time that we stayed there as a couple.

My brother and sister-in-law's 2 girls were upstairs. I can only guess that they were terrified that their children were going to be contaminated. And that some kind of 'discussion' took place that we happened to interrupt.

My father, of course, came down a little later and was like 'what happened'? Nothing was said or done about it.

I kept the peace so to speak. Now that's covering.

We're a communicative bunch- my family. :rolleyes:

[pnggrad79]

I refer to my wife as:

1. my wife-at church (it's safe)
2. my partner-at school, where I work, but only to a few people and all I get is a few raised eyebrows.
3. on forms, legal or otherwise, generally my wife, or spouse.

The only place I really worry about it, here in the Republican state of Texas, is work. I teach 6th grade, and not too sure the parents of my students would be thrilled to know that their precious angel's teacher is a lesbian. So when my students want to know if I am married, I say yes, and leave it alone. They don't see a man's photograph on my desk, they see my two daughters and my wife, whom they assume is one of my daughters. I don't feel the need to come out to 60-10, 11 or 12 year olds. I need my job and I really think that if they knew I was gay, I would have a bunch of wary parents yanking their kids out of my class. I don't think my principal would do anything, because I haven't given him any reason to distrust me. I concentrate on my job and don't think who I sleep with at night has any bearing on that.

At some point in time, we will be free to love who we love and call them by their rightful names and we won't get any raised eyebrows, or worse. Hopefully soon, but realistically, it will be a long time....:eek:

[nmwolfboy]

some questions:
what do I say in the teacher's lounge, when I talk about having dinner with my partner last night?
when I recount a conversation, do I mention that it took place as we climbed into bed for the evening?
Do I refer to my partner as husband, boyfriend, roommate, or friend?
in which situations do I use different terms for him?
does calling him my friend or roommate deny our relationship?


Okay, to be up front: i work in a small office of a larger company. The Executive Director & founder of the company recently came out at the age of 48. i assume everyone knows i'm gay, and at least 2 other guys in my office are gay.

Even so i tend to be close-mouthed about my personal life at work, but if others are discussing their off-work life i sometimes join in. There's little to no self-editing in these conversations, except to refer to Wes as my partner rather than my Sir. That's standard in all conversations with 'vanilla' folk. :shifty:

i'd call him husband, and sometimes do in private, but we're not married. We've agreed to marry, but have yet to take the trip to Canada. In the meantime we share a mortgage. :) And custody of a Jack Russell Terrier. :D

i try never to refer to him as my roommate or friend. It has pained me whenever i have. That usually only happens in a setting where i have legitimate concerns about physical safety.

[keltic63]

Thanks for the input, everyone.

I've noticed that if I'm talking to a stranger, or merely an acquaintance, I tend to cover more than if I'm just talking with friends. I never use the term "roommate" but I have referred to him as my "friend." That just doesn't feel right to me, but sometimes the situation dictates (out of safety or job issues) that I cover somewhat.

[novaseeker]

I think it's pretty contextual, and it can be pretty surprising what can happen.

For example, a few years after I was divorced I had a long-distance relationship with a man on the other side of the country. So I was visiting there quite a bit for long weekends and so forth. Anyway, my boss at work picked up on this (not because there were any work-related issues, but in my line of work you have to be reachable during holidays and such, and so generally people know where you are when you are away). She noticed I had visited the same place a few times over a span of about 3 months, and she asked me about it, over lunch, in a friendly way, to wit:

Boss: So, you've been in Phoenix a lot lately ...
Me: Yes ...
Boss: *smiling* who's in Phoenix?
Me: *pause* eh ... a friend
Boss: a friend?
Me: *pause* eh ... well .. my boyfriend, actually. He's my boyfriend.
Boss: *smiles and nods, pretty much expressing that she had already figured that out anyway* ... So how did you meet this guy, [etc.]

That was an interesting experience for me, because I tried to cover (at that point I was not out at work), but she was so disarming that it kind of gave me permission to stop covering, and so I did right there. And after that I've been pretty open at work about myself, when it comes up in an appropriate context. I'm not running around always talking about LGBT issues or anything like that, but if the topic comes up I don't hide from who I am. I guess in part that's because my workplace is pretty safe about things like that, we have a number of people who are openly gay, and we have an anti-discrimination policy that covers sexual orientation as well.

In other contexts, I do what I think is appropriate in the context, and in one case (that of my son) what I am allowed to do in the context (Virginia prohibits me from disclosing my sexual orientation to him as a condition of my custodial/visitation situation ... which is not a big deal at this point because he is only 7, but it will become more of an issue a few years down the road and I don't know what I will do). So I guess I see it as very dependent on context.

[Dash]

Well...no I try not to cover, though it does happen sometimes. I really try to leave that to baritones. :shield: If a tenor uses too much cover, his voice (IMO) gets kinda "woofy" and it's very difficult to get to the top of his range. Better to keep the voice more open...back off of the breath pressure when approaching and ascending through the passaggio...at least that's what works for me these days. :inspector:

...you were of course talking about vocal technique, yes? :sing:

...

Oh alright...I knew you weren't talking about voice crap.:rolleyes: But since I don't have another man around the house, I was feeling left out of this conversation. :( :hissy:

Carry on. :laughing:

[Daniel]

Well...no I try not to cover, though it does happen sometimes. I really try to leave that to baritones. :shield:

HA! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

What? No voix-mixe? ;) Or voix-sombre for that chest high C?

[suzer1013]

Of course I cover -- I live in Georgia.

Most of the time (probably 90%), I don't have to. My partner and I are "out" to family and friends, I am out at work, we are out at the church we attend. And (I think) we're pretty obviously a couple, just with the way we act toward each other. But we simply can't be open everywhere -- it would be dangerous. We hate doing it, but we also value our lives and health. That said, we pretty much hang out in GLBT friendly areas anyway -- we try not to place ourselves in places or situations that could be troublesome.

We call each other "partner" mostly because we like that term better than "wife." We prefer not to use stereotypical hetero terms to describe our loving relationship, though I understand why others prefer to use "husband" and "wife."

Susan

[tpdncr4christ]

I don't think I cover... if someone asks me I tell them... but if they don't ask I don't parade it around in their faces either. I just figure that I should inform my friends, and not lie to anyone else who asks.:D

Funny thing though... girls like gay friends allot more than boys do... The straight boys I know are only now warming up to me, after six months of akward conversation! But the girls love it. Weird....:p

[keltic63]

I don't think I cover... if someone asks me I tell them... but if they don't ask I don't parade it around in their faces either. I just figure that I should inform my friends, and not lie to anyone else who asks.:D

covering is more subtle though. it occurs in conversations in which one's orientation is not the topic, nor is it especially relevant to it. covering happens because I sense that the person to whom I am speaking would be uncomfortable knowing that I am gay, or hearing about some aspect of my life that reminds them I am (caring for my partner, going out to eat together at a nice restaurant, lying in bed together, etc.)

Covering occurs precisely because we do not wish to parade it around in their faces, and so many homophobic people have stated that this is all we do. However, if mentioning that I had dinner with my partner at a nice restaurant is shoving it in their faces, we would do well to keep track of all the times lgbt people are presented with hetero images and references in the media as well as in our daily lives.

[GirlGirl]

I've read most of Kenji's book, and I agree with Keltic, there's a difference between covering and passing.

Passing = in the closet (partially passing = partially in the closet)
Covering = not flaunting even with people who know you're gay.

As I recall (I don't have the book here anymore) there are ways to flaunt:
- how we dress
- how we speak
- who we associate with
- ...

So, for example, if I were to go to church (assuming I was out, which I'm not) and hold hands with my gf, or put my arm around her the way that hetero couples often do at church, that would be not covering.

I get really mad when I think of how gay people have to blend in and assimilate, to be acceptable.

On the other hand, as a femme-type who will always pass even when I'm not trying, I don't want to be denied the right to behave as myself. It is not true that if you don't act like a member of the group you belong to, you are covering. (Kenji says that he lost sleep over this point, because we all need to have the freedom to be ourselves even if it means behaving in typically white ways if you're black.) In other words, I'm not going to adopt "lesbian" mannerisms just to support the cause.

I have concluded that covering can be expanded to everyone - we all downplay certain aspects of ourselves. My gf's father believes in the right to bear arms. It's not a politically popular point of view here in the Bay Area or at church, so he doesn't mention it. That's covering.

That's where we need work as a culture: accepting non-conforming behaviour as a matter of course.

Lisa

[ctozrn]

I had an experience similar to Daniel and others. My ex gf and I went to see family in Colorado. There was a lot of my family at my grandparents including Aunts,Uncles,and cousins. It was summer time and everyone was visiting. I asked my grandmother if we could come and she said that we were welcomed. I was confronted by my uncle (it was his house) that we were not to sleep in the same room. They told me they loved me but did not approve of my lifestyle. After the first night, my very religious aunt,uncle,their three children,my other aunt, uncle,and their son decided that they were all leaving for a weekend up in the mountains. This was not planned at all! They were just SO uncomfortable in front of my partner and I. The tension was so thick. I don't think anyone but my grandmother knew my partner was coming. They packed the cars so fast and got away! Their children were all extremely sheltered, went to Christian schools and such. The thought of having them all exposed to two lesbians all weekend was more than they could bear! My parents heard about it and were so upset. They had feared that something like that would happen.

I am very lucky that the rest of my family is nothing like that. They are loving and accepting. I do cover in some situations though. I always hate it when I do. I always feel like such a fake when I do it. Most of the time though I am pretty open. I think gay men probably have to do it more for safety reasons. My gf and I are both pretty femme. I think most people probably think we are friends most of the time!

Very good discussion for a subject that most of us deal with everyday.

[Daniel]

ctozrn- So sorry you and your partner had to endure that! (Haven't seen you around the block...maybe I've missed you. In any case: welcome!)

I look back at some of the more 'interesting' memories I have in this vein and despite the pain of old feelings, have to laugh at the strange behavior of those we call family. Fear does the oddest things to people.

The memory that smarts the most (the one with my sister-in-law was off the the charts hysterical- she and the situation-when you think about it) is when my family decided to have a 'family' picture taken.

My 90 year old grandmother had recently been moved by my parents from her home on the other side of the state and was newly ensconced in a nursing home just before the holidays (why oh why does all hell break loose during holidays? :rolleyes: ).

My father invited us both to come down- dress up mind you- for the 'family picture'. Everyone showed up at the photographers studio, my five siblings, nine nieces and nephews, parents and grandmother.

The photogprapher moved everyone into place one by one- and in a moment- it became clear without anyone saying a word that my husband was not going to be part of it. There he stood, on the outside of the frame- looking handsome in his suit and tie- his arms across his chest- me looking back at him with my mouth open- dumbfounded- struck by lightning.

Smile! Mr. Photographer said. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It was over in 30 seconds. I made it to the door in a daze and could not stop saying "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" to my beloved. He was a shocked as I- and mad as a hornet- God bless him.

Everyone just stared at their shoes and then at the camera and then it was over. I cannot tell you how angry I was with myself for not stopping everything and pulling my man to my side during the minute or so when I could have done so. The harm that resulted in my inaction- and the actions of my 'family'- poisoned things for a long, long while.

[scott snedeker]

I occaisionally cover in the work setting where any personal matter may be inapppropriate. Ideally work should be a neutral environment and personal matters can interfere with functioning.

Having said that I usually am very candid casual and open. I would not be comfortable enough to want to work in a circumstance where I couldn't be open. If one feels oppression to the degree that they choose to cover most of the time, then you are likely allowing harm to your self-esteem.

If you are asked to leave then that is their loss of the opportunity to expand their experience beyond the heterosexual experience. This gives you a chance to fork into a direction more in tune with your nature and stop going against your grain.

Love and affirmation,

Scotty

[tdogg]

I'm so blessed to work for state gov't where discrimination and open hostility isn't tolerated. I'm completely out at work, but not in the habit of discussing private personal issues. I will discuss my private life as far as what I did over the weekend, mention my partner, etc etc. I supervise a unit of 5 employees and they are all aware that I'm a lesbian in a relationship with another woman. It doesn't appear to phase them in the least and all have been open in discussions which included her as a topic. i'm pretty open with my employees (again, nothing too personal) and they are likewise open to me. We will, on occasion, have discussions regarding our personal lives which help to make a working relationship somewhat personal, which in turn helps them to know I care about them as people.

I'm pretty open in my personal life outside of work as well. I don't feel the need to run up to people and say Hi, I'm gay, but I don't leave out that fact if the conversation turns that way. Yes, sometimes I get 'the look' and once in a while the space around me will clear a bit, but that's ok, that's 'their' issue. Most of the time it just isn't an issue with anyone. I have a handful of family/friends (stepmother, aunt and sister) who have some big issues with it. This Christmas my sister had my parents over and my other sister (who knows and loves my partner) & her family. Although my partner isn't welcome to the first sister's house (so I don't bother to attend family functions), it was reported that this year my partners name was actually mentioned in front of the family and my sister's children. It is considered a huge step in their 'process' but if I think about it enough, it's just plain silly. Anyway, who knows, perhaps next year we will both be invited for Christmas.

As if the mere mention of 'gay' is going to ruin two young children who are allowed to listen to pretty much any kind of music and watch movies I wouldn't let me dog see...... I go out of my way NOT to hide or cover anything with them. The more they hear about it, the more they are going to have to think on it.

[Jamie McDaniel]

What an important thread! A special thank you to keltic63, Daniel, and ctozrn for sharing your experiences of covering with... well, with such openness.

I know we love to talk about standing up for LGBT rights. The time when we marched, when we wrote our senator, when we appeared on tv as an openly gay person, when we came out in a letter to the editor or at church, etc. But equally important is to discuss when we miss the mark in the day to day stuff. One of the things we talked about in Soulforce's early years is how it is soooo much easier to travel to a far away city and stand behind a banner for gay rights. But the real challenge is when you go back home.

Like several of you have already posted, I feel intensely angry at myself when I cover. keltic63, you were exactly right when you wrote:

covering is more subtle though. it occurs in conversations in which one's orientation is not the topic, nor is it especially relevant to it. covering happens because I sense that the person to whom I am speaking would be uncomfortable knowing that I am gay, or hearing about some aspect of my life that reminds them I am (caring for my partner, going out to eat together at a nice restaurant, lying in bed together, etc.)

And we all can cover. I had a rainbow sticker and a no marriage amendment bumper sticker on my car. I had come out in both the local newspaper and on tv. And yet seemingly everyday I met new people who assumed I was heterosexual like the majority. I used to get mad at them for their gross lack of gaydar. However upon reflection I realized it was misplaced anger. I was really angry at myself for dodging questions or leaving out information so as not to correct their impression that I too was in the heterosexual majority.

I know it is easier for me than some of you now that I work from a home office and my employer is a gay rights organization. I don't have that daily interaction with heterosexual co-workers, students, or clients.

But tonight, Chris and I went to a restaurant to meet a heterosexual couple who we are friends with. We had reservations, and arrived a few minutes before they did. As soon as I entered through the revolving door, there before me was my old Southern Baptist sunday school teacher, his wife, their grandkids, and married son who I used to hang out with. I had spent many hours over at their home back in the late 90's. I hadn't seen them in years.

Their son was like the third person I had come out to. Though I never came out to his parents directly, I'm certain they know since my leaving the church was wrapped up in my being gay.

So here I am talking with them and I look over and Chris is standing by himself several feet away. I look back at them and I think for a moment. I look back at Chris, and by this time our friends have arrived.

I could have just dismissed this, saying to myself that I was simply taken by surprise at seeing them, that my mind was distracted thinking of things I could talk with them about - the food, had they been here before, nice to see you, etc.

But I know it was more than that. Would I have hesitated for even a moment to show off my love had Chris been Christine?

There will probably always be LGBT people who will live their whole lives with one foot in the closet (I'm not talking about life risk situations here. Those are special cases.) However, I think most of us have a deep longing to be open in the same way that our heterosexual brothers and sisters are. I could keep on being angry at myself, or I could get up and try again.

So after dinner, Chris and I discussed it. I apologized to him and reaffirmed to him that he is my joy, my love, my soon to be husband. We agreed to both stand next to each other whenever a situation like that happens. That will help encourage introductions, even when I sense (correctly or not) that the person may be uncomfortable with my doing so.

When staying with others, we've decided that if they have a problem with our sleeping together, we will politely make a hotel arrangement rather than agreeing to the condition that we sleep in separate rooms.

We've decided to never call each other friend or roommate. We hear others (like my mom) who accept us, but refer to us as such when talking on the phone with friends or relatives.

For me, using the wrong words is not the problem. After coming out, I decided I will never lie about being gay again. Ah, but a lie of omission is still a lie. (Thank you Captain Picard.) And so for me, it has been the holding back, at times even attempting to steer the conversation away.

Here is a list (with some slightly exaggerated examples for illustration.)

Not introducing someone or vaguely introducing someone (Hi, this is my friend Mel White. Ummm, he writes books. Oh, what kind of books? Well, religious books. Hey, so what are you up to these days?)
Not mentioning some important event I am attending because it has to do with GLBT activism. (What's that? Oh yeah, I really enjoyed my trip to Colorado Springs. Say, aren't you going on vacation soon. Tell me about that.)
Hesitating to show affection for Chris around people I perceive to be conservative.


Some gays may be so bold that covering is never an issue for them. For the rest of us, we need to talk about it, provide encouragement, and think of ways we can help defeat the temptation to cover. It is too easy to just say we'll stop doing it once they accept us.

...as if what I'm trying to do is not offend someone. As if saying 'husband' is much-too-gay but 'partner' is gay but-not-so-much-in-your-face.

I think this is a good point. And it made me think of Dr. King's statement about how when we accept injustice, what we are actually doing is communicating to our oppressor that their actions are morally right. Some "I-don't-have-a-problem-with-gays-as-long-as-they-don't-flaunt-it" heterosexuals expect us to only be gay in the privacy of our bedrooms. If we agree to do so, are we not saying something about their actions?

[Zerbie]

Phenomenal post Jamie!! Wow!
And a great thread that I've followed with interest.

Jamie, it's actually somewhat of a relief to me to see that even an activist whose full-time employ is LGBT concerns wants to retreat from it all sometimes. I don't think any of us can all the time be at our most alert, strong, assertive.

Like the rest of you there are moments when I back away from "going there" and end up shaking my head at myself. I notice that I tend to shy away from speaking openly about past girlfriends, but not about past boyfriends. Have noticed it often enough that I have made reminders not to gloss over things. Made a step forward in recent months - was talking to someone I know from the LGBT community when he said something like "You don't know what it means to have an ally like you" and I told him I perceive myself as part of the community, not as an 'ally.'

That's been a tough one to figure out - who and what I am in relationship to this nebulous LGBT sandwich - am I a member or an ally? Because the answer is, both. So which "part" do I go with, and when?

[BenL]

I have followed this conversation with a red face since keltic started it. Confession: I cover at work. I'm the poster boy for Coverers Anonymous. I keep telling myself there are extenuating circumstances. The truth is that I'm afraid? uncomfortable? squeamish? about coming out at work.

A little history (a few excuses?). I have worked for the same company for 37 years. When I started, three owners ago in the late '60s, coming out was a pretty good way to get fired. Then I met Charley, my FTM husband, who presented as female at the time. We married and had kids. The het dream: house in the suburbs, a boy and a girl, a dog and a cat. No picket fence, though.

Charley came out to me as trans three or four years ago. Suddenly everything made sense, especially the part about why I was attracted to him. He was a man, duh! Now he's deep into transition, working as male. We're out everywhere but at work. He IDs as a gay man at work. I ID as me, the same person who has worked here all these years. I refer to Charley as my spouse, which draws a few funny looks. I sometimes cave and call him "she."

What's stopping me? Two things I can think of: I don't want to be the subject of gossip (butt of jokes?), and I don't want to explain it to people. I'm not clear about why. I'm having this conversation with my therapist, trying to understand why. Be gentle, folks; there's something hurting inside there that needs healing. I'm on the way.

BenL

[keltic63]

What's stopping me? Two things I can think of: I don't want to be the subject of gossip (butt of jokes?), and I don't want to explain it to people. I'm not clear about why. I'm having this conversation with my therapist, trying to understand why. Be gentle, folks; there's something hurting inside there that needs healing. I'm on the way.

BenL

Don't be "red-faced." I didn't start this thread to embarass anyone. I wanted to express my own frustration at covering, especially if there was no real pressure to do so. I also wanted to see if others did the same thing.

I think there is something a bit different in your situation. Your spouse is now becoming on the outside what he has always been on the inside. our culture is just not "there" yet. I know that when I started getting involved in activism I had to do some catching up. Covering for your orientation would be one thing, but you also have to cover for Charley which is entirely different. The people who know and love us eventually accept (hopefully) even if they don't understand why, that we are gay. transitioning, i think, does not have that kind of understanding from our society, YET.

Now, as far as, being the subject of gossip, I'll bet you already are, I assume that I am. That's there deal, not mine. Your concern about having to explain it; that's your deal and if you choose not to share that with co-workers, acquaintances, people on the street, etc. it is afterall, your personal business, not theirs.

I'm granting you a "pass" ;)

[BenL]

Thanks for the pass, keltic. I wasn't really looking for it, but I'll take it.

What I felt I needed to do by posting was be upront about where I am. For myself. Writing that post was therapeutic in a way. I need to own my own stuff. What I got in return was a wonderfully understanding response that showed me that you understood a lot more about the trans experience than I expected. As in any close relationship, a spouse's transition causes the partner to transition.

I was serious, too, about working with my therapist to understand what's going on. To me, the Gospel is about freedom, and I know that covering is an area where I have not attained full freedom. I'm working on it.

Thanks again,

BenL

[Zerbie]

I have followed this conversation with a red face since keltic started it. Confession: I cover at work. I'm the poster boy for Coverers Anonymous. I keep telling myself there are extenuating circumstances. The truth is that I'm afraid? uncomfortable? squeamish? about coming out at work.


What's stopping me? Two things I can think of: I don't want to be the subject of gossip (butt of jokes?), and I don't want to explain it to people. I'm not clear about why. I'm having this conversation with my therapist, trying to understand why. Be gentle, folks; there's something hurting inside there that needs healing. I'm on the way.

BenL

Ben, darlin', you don't owe anybody an explanation.
Period.

:love:

Hugs for the hurt and prayers for healing. For both of you.
:love: :pray: :love: :pray:

[dsdrane]

Just over a year ago, I moved to South Florida after almost 17 years in Manhattan. There were many reasons, but the two most salient were NYC-fatigue and family. The move has been one of the better decisions I've made in my life, and I'm very happy here.

That said, being gay in the suburban sunbelt (however cosmopolitan it may be) is definitely different from being gay in the West Village or Chelsea.

No cover in NYC was necessary; difference had become the new normal. People, by the time I showed up, had largely come to understand that it was a mistake to assume someone was straight.

It's a different story down here. [In fact, it's more of a mistake to assume someone is a Democrat.] I have no desire to cover at all and would never intend to, but then I really haven't been tested yet. I'm not in a relationship; no one at work has asked (though a number seemed to have figured it out on their own); and only a handful at church know (that I'm aware of).

Funnily, I was on the verge of being tested last Sunday at church. I had just introduced my sister-in-law to a man I had recently met, when he said (conspiratorially) to her (not to me) that he's going set me up with a female parishioner my age. My sister-in-law gave me a are-you-going-to-tell-him-or-am-I sort of a smile. And, then, he was off. A few minutes later, after I got over the shock, I decided I really needed to hunt him down and burst his cute, little bubble before this went any further. My S-i-L, sensing what I was thinking, came up and said my step-mom had already taken care of it. Apparently this guy had gone up to her, as well, to share his plan, and she responded with a laugh "Don't bother; he's gay."

No covering for her!

I think it's going to take awhile for me to get used to this straight-world assumption of heterosexuality until proven otherwise....:shifty:

[Zerbie]

Hey Zerb!

Will you be my mom? you are the kindest most caring person here... and thats sayin somethin cuz there are quite a few kind, caring people here.:love:

Aw! :D :lol:

Sure.

((((((((( David )))))))))

:love: Cuddles. :love: