Hi from LehighGardener

[lehighgardener]

Hi,
My real name is Steve. I'm 49 and live in the Lehigh Valley of Pennsylvania. I have been married for 21 years and have a 12-year-old son. I've known most of my life that I was gay and was active while in college. For the past 27 years I've been trying everything I could find to change or be changed, including an ex-gay ministry. In the past year, I've started accepting who I really am - a gay man who loves and is loved by God.
Mel's Stranger at the Gate was pivotal in this journey. I'm hoping to get some "answers" from this forum, but have also developed a network of gay friends, some of whom are Christian. I've visited the MCC and loved it, but am not permitted to go right now.
I've been very open with my wife about these discoveries and she's very much opposed to my self-discovery. She will not let me go without a fight, but I can see no other course for my life. I do want out, but would hope to remain friends with her and continue to be the best father I can to my son.
We have always attended a charasmatic church which tends toward fundamental evangelicalism. They accept that one has little or no choice in sexual orientation, but must not act out under any circumstances and consider divorce almost worse than being gay. So I've got a fight there too. I could just walk away from it all, but I don't like alienation, especially from my son. I fear that my wife would do her best to make my life miserable and seems to think she can keep my son away from me.
I would love to hear from those of you who have been through this. I know there are many. I'm more committed to seeing it through, but I don't think I can make it without some support.
Thanks for being there. I hope I can be a blessing to others as well.
In Him, Steve

[Zerbie]

Hi Steve,

You are most welcome, and you have certainly found a supportive place here. :love: I wish you strength and courage in your journey, and wish your family the best. :pray: It sounds like you went through a LOT.

There are other forumites who will relate to your story as well, having somewhat similar backgrounds. Surely they will chime in soon (like Keltic, for instance.)

Meanwhile, all the best in what can only be a difficult time for you. I hope you will hang around for a while and read some of our discussions, ask questions, and so forth. You will find MANY many different perspectives here.

Let us know whenever we can offer you support and encouragement.

All the very best to you,
:love: :pray:

Zerbie

[Daniel]

Steve- welcome. You're right: no one can pull off stuff like you are attempting alone, In fact, the more help you have the better! I know there are those here who can have been through what you are going through and can speak from experience (Steve/keltic- where are you?). Though I have not (I've been with the same guy for a long time), I encourage you to avail yourself of professional help from someone who will support you unconditionally. If you and your wife could also go to counseling together, that would be great- though- from what you relate- there might be a good deal of foot-dragging.

It sounds like you have a clear goal: keeping your relationship amicable as well as your relationship with your child. And from what you say, it sounds like you might be provoked - by actions on the part of your spouse -to 'lose it' and 'give up'. Dealing with those kind of turbulent emotions, for me, has meant having a spiritual practice: a way to stay centered. I strongly- strongly encourage you practice- if you are not already- those things which bring you peace. It's those very times when we are centered that it occurs to us what we need to do - or not do- next.

[keltic63]

sheesh, I've been at the theater every night for the past month! opening night is less than a week away! so I went out for a drink after rehearsal tonight and I miss the big opportunity.



Steve, welcome. I know exactly where you are in your journey. i've been there. There's not a whole lot to tell you right now other than there is a great life after all this drama! you can get through this, and your wife cannot, repeat, cannot keep you from your son!

pm me with any concerns. my ex was as wicked as they come when it came to fighting me about the kids and divorce. expect about a 4-5 year battle :'(:'(:'(

[dsdrane]

Steve --

Wow...so much hurt!

I have no desire to speak ill of your loved ones, but, wow, that's a lot. You're being pressured by some serious stuff.

Please know that it's not fair. You're being victimized by a social construct that is simply not fair. Unfortunately, you are not aware of this because "straight" people are supposed to marry and have kids. But, you're "gay".

If you're waiting for your wife to "get it", it ain't gonna happen. Hello?! Unless she were an incredible person, how on Earth could you expect her to be cool about everything?

Translation: she won't be thrilled. Knowing this, what can you now do?

My only advice would be (and this sounds so completely lame, but work with me) to find a place -- mentally, philosophically, spiritually, whatever -- to be by yourself.

You're in touch with yourself enough to have written your introductory e-mail, yes? Go with that, my good man. Keep on truckin'. That impulse is the truth and the strength you need to get to the next step.

It's one step in front of the other...and soon you'll be walking out the door....[just like the Christmas show with the Abominable Snowman.]

Your kids have their own path, which they will travel alone. How you inform that path will matter greatly in terms of how you find and define your own path. I hope that makes sense. In other words: if you're cool, they'll be cool.

[And, if they're not, f&#k 'em.]

For real.

Honestly.

Peace, David

[keltic63]

now that I'm more awake, and aware......


One of the reasons you are in the predicament you are in now is that you tried to fit into the mold that was set before you. I'm only a bit younger than you, but I suspect you married for many of the same reasons I did. I figured being married would "cure" me, a regular outlet for sex would prevent me from fantasizing about men. Well, that didn't work. I also wanted to have a family. I didn't know what living a gay life could mean, and I didn't even consider it. NOW, I know differently, but it is only after a great deal of pain and frustration.

During my coming out process, separation, divorce, custody battles, etc. I turned to a friend who pointed something out to me that has really helped. I had been taking all the blame for everything that was wrong. it was my fault I couldn't "go straight"; it was my fault that finances were bad; it was my fault that I tricked a woman into marrying me, etc. But the truth is, that a marriage, good or bad, takes 2 people. So this friend told me about covert contracts. She explained how my marriage was most likely one of these covert contracts. The details of the contract are implied, never spoken. Each participant has a stake in the contract, there are benefits, and responsibilities. As long as both participants are willing to continue honoring the contract, things go well. When the terms are no longer being met by one of the participants, things go wrong and quickly.

so what was my contract? I wanted to appear straight and have a family. What was my ex's desire? it's unclear, but I suspect that because she was older than me by a few years, she felt some bioligical timeline. She wanted to be married, have kids, and perhaps avoid becoming an old maid.
So I chose her because:
1) she was older, it was easy to convince her to marry me
2) she could provide the children I desired
3) she would allow me to appear as a straight man (he's married and has kids, he can't be gay.....)

She chose me because: (and I'm really making an educated guess here)
1) she wanted to be married, perhaps to avoid being single all her life
2) I could provide the children she desired
3) a gay man (and many have told me that it was obvious before I was married, and remained that way all my life) was acceptible because demands for intimacy would not be very strong; the appearance of a marriage without the commitment.

When it became impossible for me to hold up my responsibilities in this unspoken contract, the marriage fell apart. The marriage went bad though, before I cheated on her. I have come to believe that affairs do not wreck marriages, wrecked marriages cause affairs. that is what I believe happened in my own straight marriage. Carrying around my secret of being gay was too much to hide. I became physically and mentally ill. I was diagnosed with depression and an eating disorder. I was convinced that no one liked me, let alone loved me, and that if anyone found out my secret, they would hate me even more. The only solution, I thought, was for me to disappear. That manifested itself physically and I lost a lot of weight because I simply refused to eat.

Wow. I didn't think I'd get into all of that. But I wanted to show you this stuff in case you are in a similar position. You said, Steve, that you were active in college, then you married your wife. Is it possible that your marriage was like mine? Could she have known that you are gay, and married you anyway? My ex and I are on much better terms now, but it's still not easy. She has told me that she knew, before we were married. So the question for my ex becomes, why marry him? I think you could ask your wife the same question.

If you choose to leave your wife and divorce, get yourself a lawyer! Mine continually reminded me that there is no law in PA that says Steve is a bad guy and must pay! you're in PA, so you're lucky; no law that says you're bad! ;) Judges do not keep kids from seeing biological parents unless there is a major problem, and dad being gay is not a major problem. Drug abuse, or sexual abuse would be a problem, being gay just isn't sufficient grounds for denying custody or visitation.

I'd also advise you to keep some kind of log. I only had to refer to it occasionally, but it was a help when the ex was particularly uncooperative. Should you take this step toward divorce, you should also know that it takes about 5 years for anyone to get through the emotional process of it. It wouldn't hurt for you to find a counselor and spend a few sessions sorting through all of this. I would suggest the same for your son. If it's at all possible to suggest, ask your wife to do the same. I hear your concern for her as well, even though you don't love her the way a husband should love his wife. That doesn't mean your love for her has turned to hate.

Again, I repeat my offer of help in way of pm's. It can be tough to do this, but it is possible and there really is a great life on the out side of the closet!

Steve

[novaseeker]

Great post, Keltic!

Judges do not keep kids from seeing biological parents unless there is a major problem, and dad being gay is not a major problem. Drug abuse, or sexual abuse would be a problem, being gay just isn't sufficient grounds for denying custody or visitation.

It varies depending on where you are. In Virginia, where I live, courts are very reluctant to award custody to a gay parent, and often put in stipulations that the gay parent has to be closeted to the children. This is in the DC suburbs as well, not Lynchburg. But different states are different, and it sounds like PA is more reasonable. In any case, having a goood family lawyer is critically important in terms of informing you what the possibilities are under the circumstances.

I'd also advise you to keep some kind of log. I only had to refer to it occasionally, but it was a help when the ex was particularly uncooperative. Should you take this step toward divorce, you should also know that it takes about 5 years for anyone to get through the emotional process of it. It wouldn't hurt for you to find a counselor and spend a few sessions sorting through all of this. I would suggest the same for your son. If it's at all possible to suggest, ask your wife to do the same. I hear your concern for her as well, even though you don't love her the way a husband should love his wife. That doesn't mean your love for her has turned to hate.

I very much agree with this. I was in therapy/counseling for about two years around the time of my separation and divorce, and it was extremely helpful -- one of the most helpful things I've done in my entire life.

It's critically important, if you do separate and divorce, to work hard to create a workable relationship with your wife. My ex-wife and I love each other, but not as spouses. It took us a few years to get there, but we did get there, and the main beneficiary of that has been our son. It's a process of trying to take marital/spousal/romantic love and make it into non-marital love. It's hard to do, but it can be done, and if you can manage it, it definitely makes things easier for everyone involved. You can't do that unless your wife chooses to do the same, of course, but you can try on your end.

Good luck with all of this, Steve, I know how hard this is.