Family Issues

[Tinkerbell047]

So, I'm not really sure where to post this thread, but something my mother did recently has been gnawing at my soul for the past few weeks.

She took me to McDonald's a few weeks back, and she brought up my brother. According to my father and her, he is an embarrassment because of his homosexuality. My parents are conservatives, and ministers who are less than accepting and understanding. Basically, since he was 16 and forced to come out to them they've been pushing the "ex-gay" garbage at him and praying that his "eyes will be opened to the truth." Until recently, I was as closed minded and unwelcoming and un-understanding as they are.

As I said in another post, I'm still not 100% sure of whether the Bible condones gay relationships or not, but I know that being gay or lesbian doesn't make God hate you, and I certainly don't think that it will send anyone to Hell. I suppose the rest is just semantics.

Anyway, my mom and I sit down and while eating, she brings up my brother, a subject which is touch-and-go at best in my family. I sit there quietly as she explains her new "prayer project" to me. She tells me she wants me to help her with it. Basically, she wants me to pray that my brother will be "healed" and that "God will send him an amazing woman, that he will fall madly in love with and marry." Now, if my brother weren't gay, and had some sort of horrible deadly disease I could understand that prayer being made. However, he is gay, and as far as I can tell in perfect health.

I'm tired of arguing religion with my parents, a fruitless task as they have taken the "we're the ordained ministers and you don't know what you are talking about" stance. I want them to accept my brother and to love him for who he is. Is there anything I can do to help them come to terms with him and his "problem" that has been around for 8 years now?

-Tink

[Jamie McDaniel]

My parents are conservatives, and ministers who are less than accepting and understanding.

What denomination do your parents serve as ministers? That might help with recommending some resources. For example, I know about some good books geared for Baptists, one for Methodists, and one for Presbyterians.

Basically, since he was 16 and forced to come out to them they've been pushing the "ex-gay" garbage at him and praying that his "eyes will be opened to the truth." Until recently, I was as closed minded and unwelcoming and un-understanding as they are.

What changed to make you reconsider? Another friend that came out? A deeper understanding of your own spirituality? Questioning whether your parents' beliefs were your own? A pro-gay Bible study? A conversation with your brother?

Also, you wrote that your brother was "forced to come out" to your parents. Are you able to elaborate on what you meant by that?

Anyway, my mom and I sit down and while eating, she brings up my brother, a subject which is touch-and-go at best in my family. I sit there quietly as she explains her new "prayer project" to me. She tells me she wants me to help her with it. Basically, she wants me to pray that my brother will be "healed" and that "God will send him an amazing woman, that he will fall madly in love with and marry."

Well, you have a few options. You can listen to your parents, not really voicing your concerns while doing your own homework on homosexuality. You could show hesitation in joining with your parents in praying for a wife for your brother (always a bad idea for a gay man, btw). Instead you could say that you felt more comfortable simply praying for "God's plan" for your brother or something like that. If you wanted to step it up a bit, you could share that you are doing your own reading because you have concerns about your church's teachings on gay people.

Do your parents know any other openly gay people or just the ex-gays that groups like Focus on the Family put the spotlight on?

[Daniel]

Basically, since he was 16 and forced to come out to them they've been pushing the "ex-gay" garbage at him and praying that his "eyes will be opened to the truth." Until recently, I was as closed minded and unwelcoming and un-understanding as they are.

As I said in another post, I'm still not 100% sure of whether the Bible condones gay relationships or not, but I know that being gay or lesbian doesn't make God hate you, and I certainly don't think that it will send anyone to Hell. I suppose the rest is just semantics.
-Tink

Hey Tink (I adore your name btw),

Just to add my two cents here- the first being that Jamie has excellent suggestions.

Since your parents haven't been dealing with the matter since yesterday, they may be experiencing a severe case of denial. It can make people do all sorts of strange stuff.

Now- this may seem like a side issue, but have you checked out the stuff about nonviolence on this site? My hunch is that this info could be a big help to you. Why? Because your parents are undoubtedly afraid, if not terrified, and if you can begin to see their actions as being motivated by pain and fear, this may help you respond in a more effective way towards both them and your brother- even if that means doing nothing (it's not simply a matter of what to say, but when to say it).

Yeah...they certainly need a ton of information. Pflag might be helpful too. That said, I doubt arguing with them about it will help them or you.

Your brother is really really blessed to have you as his sister. Which makes me ask: what is he, who is 23 now, doing about all this? He's not leaving matters up to you is he?

[Tinkerbell047]

What denomination do your parents serve as ministers? That might help with recommending some resources. For example, I know about some good books geared for Baptists, one for Methodists, and one for Presbyterians.

My parents are nondenominational ministers. Currently, however, they don't have a church, but are holding Bible study weekly at our home.

What changed to make you reconsider? Another friend that came out? A deeper understanding of your own spirituality? Questioning whether your parents' beliefs were your own? A pro-gay Bible study? A conversation with your brother?

One of my closest friends is gay. For the longest time I struggled with romantic feelings for him, which got completely out of control when he told me about his boyfriend (to the point of I made a conscious decision to dislike him. We are now very close, btw.) As I came to know him and help him through his soul searching and our over-the-phone scavenger hunts through the Bible, I realized that God doesn't condemn the person, but (still very conservative at this point) the sin. I had to understand that God is loving and made each person, so it's not my place to judge anyone.

Also, you wrote that your brother was "forced to come out" to your parents. Are you able to elaborate on what you meant by that?

My parents found a note that he had written at that time... he either told them or lied about it, which he couldn't have done. If he had lied they would have sent him to boot camp.


Do your parents know any other openly gay people or just the ex-gays that groups like Focus on the Family put the spotlight on?

My parents know my friend who I mentioned earlier, and his boyfriend. Also, two of my older cousins are homosexual along with my other gay and lesbian friends.

Hey Tink (I adore your name btw),

Thanks! ^_^

Now- this may seem like a side issue, but have you checked out the stuff about nonviolence on this site? My hunch is that this info could be a big help to you. Why? Because your parents are undoubtedly afraid, if not terrified, and if you can begin to see their actions as being motivated by pain and fear, this may help you respond in a more effective way towards both them and your brother- even if that means doing nothing (it's not simply a matter of what to say, but when to say it).

No, I haven't had a chance to look around there. I just found this site yesterday.

Yeah...they certainly need a ton of information. Pflag might be helpful too. That said, I doubt arguing with them about it will help them or you.

Your brother is really really blessed to have you as his sister. Which makes me ask: what is he, who is 23 now, doing about all this? He's not leaving matters up to you is he?

I agree completely about arguing with them being not good, but I have been at a loss with how to deal with their increasingly conservative values.

My brother is taking a back seat. He just moved out into his own apartment, and is still very in the closet about everything. He doesn't want my parents to know anything about him, because he knows how they view his lifestyle. He's not leaving matters up to me, he is telling me NOT do ANYTHING. He wants us both to make it a non-issue, but I can't. To me, this is a HUGE issue. It's the giant pink elephant in the middle of the room when ever he's around.

Thanks again,
-Tink

[jason]

Hey Tink, I'm glad that you're supportive of your brother. Maybe you could suggest this website to him. Maybe check out godmademegay.com. That's one of my favorite web resources for people concerned about the compatibity between Christianity and homosexuality. That, combined with prayer leading me to many great sites, including this one, has helped me come to terms with my homosexuality and I'm getting close to coming out to my family. Although your parents know that your brother is gay, they aren't able to talk about it and it has become, as you say, a giant pink elephant. That can't be fun for anyone and I bet it makes being together as a family a really unpleasant situation. I feel that way sometimes around my family and it really sucks. For me it's because I think that they know/assume that I'm gay, but they haven't brought it up, nor have I. I try to avoid topics that I might have strong feelings about so we basically talk about insignificant fluff. I feel like I'm lying to them so I don't really want to be around them too much. If you can help improve the situation, that would be good.

On the other hand, maybe this is your brother's call how to handle the situation with your parents. You should keep supporting him, without being too pushy, and allow him to take things further with the parents when he sees fit. When they bring stuff up that you object to, you should be able to respectfully express your opinion without fear of them retaliating against you. I pray that your brother is able to fully accept himself and that your parents realize how much they would miss him if he was gone and begin to appreciate the gift they have been blessed with.