View Full Version : I always knew
02-07-2007, 03:31 PM
Hi! My name is Dianne and I live in the great city of Falwellville, I mean Lynchburg, Va. Imagine being gay and growing up here. I have lots of friends, but we are all pretty closeted. Growing up, I always knew I was different than others, attracted to women, but dating guys. I dated different guys all through high school, but had the same girlfriend for 4 years until going to college. I'm an only child, so felt a lot of pressure to do the "normal" thing of getting married and having children. I did wait until I was 33 and thought I had "filled my wild oats." I had a "Christian" marriage (to the biggest hypocrite around) and two sons. I did try to make it work for 16 years, but finally dissolved the marriage. I had been physically and mentally abused, and simply, did not love my husband. After about a year of reflection and rediscovering myself, I decided to pursue the person I really am. The "wild oats" was simply me being a lesbian. That was about 8 years ago. I have gotten away from religion and drawn away from God because of the hypocrisy in the conservative, fundamental circle I was in. My sons are now 17 and 19 and have been raised very Republican and conservative. I recently told them of my homosexualty. There was no screaming, as I expected, but shock and silence. Friends say, "Be patient, they'll come around." But they don't know the mindset of religious fundamentalism. The Bible says it's wrong, so it's wrong, and I'm a sinner. Is there anyone in this forum that has any ideas of what I might say to my children? My oldest son leaves for the Navy in March. My children still love me, but I know there is a difference in our relationship now. Any ideas?
02-07-2007, 04:35 PM
My personal situation is unlike yours--I myself am only 21 and I have no children. I cannot help you out in your situation with your sons, but I wish you the very best. I know there is someone who is a part of this forum who will be able to give you some wonderful ideas of how to get your kids to open up their heart to this news.
Welcome to Souforce, Dianne.
02-07-2007, 07:52 PM
Welcome! What a story!
There are some parents who post on this forum who might have some thoughts to share with you about talking to kids. Like Lindsey, I'm not raising kids, so wouldn't know what to suggest.
Welcome to the forum.
02-08-2007, 09:45 AM
Parenting creates such challenges for all of us in addition to what already is difficult about our processes. I am a parent of a nine year old daughter, the result of my 10 year relationship with her other mom and myself. We are since separated, and we are dealing with issues of our daughter not wanting to accept the separation. I think what the challenge for me has been striking a balance with her, between feeling like she has strong, healthy, appropriate parents, even though it might be different from her classmates, and that many people consider us as "abnormal" and that we need to not take that into ourselves. THe issues are different for you, I understand that. I think our children can better come to an eventual acceptance, even if not full understanding, if we as the parents feel compelled and passionate about what our truth is. Meaning, the better I feel about being a lesbian, and being perfectly okay as such, the better my child can potentially feel about it, no matter what the outside world thinks or says. Sometimes, it can be that simple. THey have love for us, after all. I don't believe that ever goes away. Keep the faith and keep loving yourself and your children. Peace to you, Vanessa:love:
02-08-2007, 05:52 PM
I agree that being true to myself and feeling comfortable about my lesbianism is the key. I am not ashamed of who I am; I have dealt with all that baggage, even as my Mom tells me I'm going to hell. Thanks for the insight, and good luck with your situation. I'm sure it is hard for your daughter, as in all divorce or separation.
02-08-2007, 08:44 PM
I don't have children (the 2 legged kind anyway), but having to come out to my parents (father and stepmom, mainly stepmom), an aunt and a sister who are fundamental Christians, I can give you some insight into my experience.
Yes, they are having difficulty with my being a lesbian, and definitely issues with my relationship with another woman. I've been fairly patient, probably TOO patient. Just understanding that they have a 'coming out' process as well, will help. Be patient. Pray a lot if you are inclined. They are the victims of gross misinformation and are currently unable to get that. I try to be compassionate and sympathetic/empathetic (it's not always easy) to their views. However, I feel that by allowing TOO much time to pass without addressing the issues allows them to continue being in denial and not dealing with their feelings regarding the issues. So at some point you have to decide if it would be better, while being patient and understanding, to bring up the issue they would like to avoid. It will create conflict, and debate, and hurt feelings for a time, but the longer they are allowed to go on ignoring it, the harder it will be to work through everything with them and get your relationship with them back on track. Never stop loving them (I'm sure you couldn't), never stop being understanding and compassionate, but don't ignore the issue yourself.
Hope that makes sense. I've found that even when confrontation is not planned, it will result in discussion and letting out of emotions, which will help make some progress. Baby steps, but steps after all.
Thanks for sharing, welcome to the forums, and hope you really like it here.
vBulletin® v3.8.4, Copyright ©2000-2013, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.