Has anyone had this problem?

[ctozrn]

I am not going to go into the details in this long story but I needed somewhere to turn....

I love my partner, she is my best friend, I just don't know if I am "in love" with her anymore. I have no more romantic feelings for her. I cringe when she kisses me, I have no desire to make love, etc I do love to snuggle with her though. We had a lot of big issues in the past. I am just wondering if it has taken a toll on us. I told her how I felt the other night. We had a long cry together. We are going to see a counselor together to see if this can be healed.

My question is, has anyone ever felt this way? Did it change? Did you get those feelings back? I really WANT to be in love with her. I can't imagine my life without her. Am I just staying for fear of being alone? I really respect everyone's opinion on this site. If you have any words of wisdom on this I would love to hear them!

Thanks!

Christine

[Zerbie]

Well, this is kinda second-hand, as I consider myself still a happy newlywed. But I have known married/partnered friends who had to consciously make a decision to keep a commitment to their partner at a time when they were not feeling "magic," as it were with that person.

I think you've done exactly the right things by communicating with your partner and arranging for counselling. Keep communicating. And I think that a non-involved professional counsellor can help you a great deal with this.

It sounds like you are very commited to your partner. The one red-flag I see is that you cringe when she kisses you. That sounds like something that you need to know the reason why - not to tell us, but to know within yourself what that reason is. Perhaps it is something between you two that has not been adequately resolved enough for you. I have no idea.

Counselling sounds like a great idea - a pro can help you hash this out and get to the root of what's bothering you, then help you take steps to solve it.

Courage. :love: :)

[andrewlittle]

... but love is what I would perceive still makes you want to be IN LOVE and to cuddle.

Everyone is different, of course, but kissing is one of the first things that I start to avoid if there is some issue left unresolved between my wife and I.

The counselor is definitely a good decision - be very careful to seek one out who is very friendly, and very comfortable, with lesbian couples. You don't need to help him/her wrestle through her/his issues while dealing with your own.

I'm not asking for an answer (but it's also okay if you want to give one) - until you see a counselor, you might do some self-assessment about the kissing and love-making. What do you feel when you attempt to kiss or fondle? What emotion wells up, if any?

If there is a distinct emotion - anger, sadness, envy, feelings of being less than acceptable, or whatever - that may lead you to reckoning with the underlying troubles. If there is none, then you may be in need of some zip in your time together. God knows, boredom has been an occasional issue for me - and I get too worried about hurting Jenna's feelings to bring it up. Of course, I end up hurting her feelings, anyway.

And if cuddling is all you can muster at the moment, then cuddle to beat the band. Touch is a messenger of love for both of you - even if it's not as intimate as you might want.

[Sharone]

I have so been there. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. My partner and I have had a lot of issues in our relationship. I have had a few times where I felt like I had no feelings left for her at all. She has had the same problem. However, it's usually when there is a lot of stress or something. We are both in therapy to deal with our own issues and that has really helped us deal with each other better.
If you want this relationship to work, then I would give therapy a real good try. We'll all be praying for you too.
Take care.
Sharone

[scott snedeker]

I was willing to believe the lie to keep the dream alive.

I was there before. For me the longer I did this, the worse the end was.

I discovered that I was staying out of FEAR.

Fear of my other half perishing.

Fear of a failure as a gay man.

Fear of hiv.

Fear of being alone.

The result was my ex tried to kill me and he went to prison. Nearly the worst outcome.

Tell your partner "I love you but my romanic interest is gone" and she will be able to decide what she wants to do. Conceal and let this stew and you deny her your true feelings and any chance for her to make an informed decision.

She is as complex in her feelings as you are. Turn it around. If she lost romantic interest in you would you feel good if she performed mercy sex while being revolted? what would that make you?

My ex deceived me the same way. Out of fear. So without knowing I became a sexual abuser (okay a little harsh but that's how I felt when I found out).

other relationships that followed glowed and subsequently faded. I came to realize that I was not monogamous by nature. Now I have four lovers. (the fifth just left our circle) We make love to each other when the chemistry is right. We are a family. For me this is my first best destiny

[Vanessa White]

Hey Christine: I am so sorry for this struggle that you are currently having in your relationship. I went through a similar situation in my relationship with my now ex partner. I just felt like our love died, that we stopped working at it, and she wouldn't agree to go to therapy for it. So, after months of anguish about it, I told her it was over, and I moved out a few months later. That was nine months ago that I ended it, and only NOW is she starting to take some responsibility in the demise of it. If she had been willing to go to counseling a year or more ago, for us or just for herself, I think things could have been different. Communication left us, intimacy, connection- we just got caught up in the daily duties of what needed to be done. I still love her, and I don't know what the future holds. SHe has to figure out what she wants for herself first, I think, so that she can see how we fit into it if at all. I have cried and still do, over this for over a year. But I have come to a peaceful place about the fact that if it is meant to be, then it will be again. For me, the leaving had to happen or we would have both stayed stuck. She may still be stuck, but I am not. I was scared, out of my mind. Plus, we share a child together, and that adds to the complications of a separation. But, I think , I know, that we will both be better for the decision, even if I had to be the only one to make it.
If you ever need support or just to talk more, PM me anytime. I will keep you both in my thoughts through this. Peace, Vanessa :love: :love: :love:

[ctozrn]

Thanks to everyone for yor replies! I do not feel so alone in this anymore! I did tell her on Sun night how I felt. That has been a huge relief. Surprisingly, I cried more than she did! Those romantic feelings are gone but I don't want her to leave. I am afraid that I am just being selfish. I am willing to try counseling to talk over these feelings and to see if there is anything left. I don't want to stay if we will both be miserable but on the other hand, I don't want to run from something that may pass.

Everyone had such good points to make! I love that I can come here and get honest feedback.

Thanks everyone!

[Daniel]

Late to the conversation perhaps, but my thoughts are....

As others have pointed out, seeking out an able therapist/counselor is really good medicine.

I've been in relationship with the same person for a long time- 15 years in fact- and can look back and see that there is an ebb and flow to sexual and romantic attraction. And when things seem to be ebbing rather than flowing, I try to remind myself that my feelings about the matter are something to acknowledge without the judgement of 'I should feel thus and so right now'. One can end up 'shoulding' all over one's self. And as I see it, that's just another thing to deal with.

Connective tissue is really important. Doing things together that are nurturing. And while it may seem a strange question, one wants to ask: How much fun are you having? A therapist asked me this once, which seemed a rude question at the time. But I've since learned that having a good time, whether one is in relationship of not, helps one gain a better point of view about everything.

Getting happy- as silly as it sounds- is like contracting ones heart/love muscle so it can be all that more flexible. And reminds me of the words of a great voice teacher who said to me once: Start where you are going!

A paradox if there ever was one.

[marutidas]

My mom went through this problem with her ex.

Just one day after thanks giving she told my mother she didn't love her any more, and she said that it was like that for a YEAR, she strung my mom along for an entire YEAR. If you really feel that the fire has gone out on your realtionship, then maybe it would be go to move on. Make as soon as possible if you truely feel that you don't love her anymore, it's not fair to her or you. It was a long time until tmy mom and her ex could speak to each other again, they're now good friends. Their wounds have healed, but if you string her along for to long then it could turn very ugly.

Move quickly on if you are not in love, do it gently, like a bandade so you both can start to heal.

Usually I say give love a chance, but in these situations people try to save what may already be lost. And for a long time you might feel like you never find love again especailly if you have been together for a long time, who know you might find a better love after this one and you miss your chance if you wait to long.

~~~Maruti Das{{Hugs}} :love: :flower:

[tdogg]

I agree with the "ebb and flow" of love. And, that counseling is a great tool, not only for yourself but the relationship. Nothing like an educated, experienced neutral third party to help you sort things out.

Getting through the ebb does create deeper feelings so the flow is more fantastic than before. Daniel has a great point too - are YOU happy, are YOU having fun. Take everyone else out of the equation for a second, concentrate on YOUR feelings. What's going on? Again, some counseling can help in that area.

I'm not so keen on packing up and shipping out at this point. If you are honest with your partner and she knows what's going on, and if SHE is interested in continuing the relationship, then perhaps it is worth hanging in there until you figure things out better. But then, I like what Vanessa said, if it's meant to be, it will be if you and your partner leave that door open, then even if you left, as long as the door was ajar you would be free to enter it again at some point in the future.

If you are trying to figure out what YOU want for YOU, then perhaps doing that separate is better. If it's truly about the relationship, it takes both of you to work on that. No expert by any means - but I'm thinking of you and hoping/praying for only the best for YOU Christine. Take care, you will figure it out eventually. Kudos for talking to your partner and being honest. That's the key I think. Chin up! :)

[NathanATX]

There is a wonderful book called "Permanent Partners" by Dr. Betty Berzon that I think EVERYONE should read.

I believe that love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment, a promise, a gift.

Many people, gay & straight, are addicted to the emotional high of "new" love. They find someone to date and the chemistry seems mind-blowing... for a few months, that is. Then their partner's issues start to surface. Their own issues start to surface. They begin asking themselves if they "really love" this person after all. Sometimes they covertly sabotage the relationship through avoiding affection, sex, etc. Sometimes they overtly sabotage the relationship through cheating, causing financial problems, and excessive fighting.

Then they end the relationship and go find someone else to feed off of for a few months. I know I'm making it sound ugly... but I believe it truly is. In truth they care little for the other people at all and are only concerned about their selfish desires. Just like any addict.

This addiction to the euphoria of new love is one of the greatest threats to gay & lesbian people. I think it is the product of our dysfunctional lives, where getting the love we needed as children and as young people depeneded on presenting an image others wanted to see. We couldn't ever let our true self be known.

We continue this pattern in our dating relationships by punishing ourselves and our partners when our true selves try to become known to the other person. That is what intimacy is all about... being able to be naked, emotionally, spiritually, physically, flaws and all, with the one you love and to not be afraid of rejection.

I have been one of these "many people" in the past. And I see this trying to creep up in my current relationship, though VERY subconsciously. But I truly believe my boyfriend was a gift from God the first moment I met him... and that hasn't changed. He is beautiful, family-oriented, hard working, he loves God and is called to ministry, he is a "sex machine." (:D maybe that's TMI)

I don't know if we'll be together forever, but I sure am planning on it. I do know that I will protect our relationship with the ferocity of an angry lion. I do know that I will do everything I can to work through my issues so they don't negatively impact our life together. I do know that I will give both of us grace, compassion, mercy and forgiveness as we continue to integrate our lives.

He is the one I love, there is no other.

[amy]

I believe that love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment, a promise, a gift.

Many people, gay & straight, are addicted to the emotional high of "new" love. They find someone to date and the chemistry seems mind-blowing... for a few months, that is. Then their partner's issues start to surface. Their own issues start to surface. They begin asking themselves if they "really love" this person after all. Sometimes they covertly sabotage the relationship through avoiding affection, sex, etc. Sometimes they overtly sabotage the relationship through cheating, causing financial problems, and excessive fighting.

Then they end the relationship and go find someone else to feed off of for a few months. I know I'm making it sound ugly... but I believe it truly is. In truth they care little for the other people at all and are only concerned about their selfish desires. Just like any addict.

I agree with Nathan. I can talk from experience. My girlfriend and I have had our share of tough times. Before we even realized that we were made for each other and in a homosexual relationship, we were committed to each other, in our hearts. We were laying on bed and she told me how everything of hers was mine. Later on I told her how I want to love her like God loves her. I tell you what...I don't see how any relationship can last without God. I'm not talking about church, I'm talking about a personal, intimate relationship with God who knows you more than you know yourself.

Nathan said, "They begin asking themselves if they "really love" this person after all." I went through this. I know Exactly what you are saying when "you cringe when she kisses you" I went though that also! I was the farthest thing from being "attracted" to her. But then I realized that I was going through something much deeper than meets-the-eye.

I believe that a major part of love and commitment is laying down one's life for the other. I told God that I want to know how He sees my girlfriend and how He loves her, and how I can give myself to her and to teach me to never hurt her. He has and is continuing to show me how to lay down my life for her.
By laying down my life I don't mean physically dieing (although I would for her) I mean, getting a cup of water for her when she's thirsty, taking the trash out for her, and then the real serious things that go deeper in my heart like dealing with my weaknesses, I never want to hurt her because of a misunderstanding I have. etc.

My girlfriend and I had these AMAZING emotions when we first started seeing each other (of course we both thought we were just friends even if we held each other's hand ;) Then the emotions died, but that was a good things because I never would want a relationship based on feelings! If you knew me, you would know I have a LOT of emotions or feelings. They are always taking me for rollercoaster rides up and down and around... How exhausting. But our relationship is build upon God (I'm not trying to sound all religious about this either, trust me I'm extremely *%&$ off at the churches representation of God/love)

I'm just trying to tell you that if you really love someone then feelings aren't going to mean anything to you, Yes granted they are nice but when it all boils down to it, you love this person because of Who they are not because of how you feel or how they make you feel. A relationship based on feelings will leave during tough times, because my gosh...it is hard and who wants to go through something hard...it doesn't feel good. But when you press through those hard times, your trust with the other grows so much deeper that one day you get to this point in your lives when you both know that this person is the one for you no matter what and they will never, ever leave you.

Ok well I hope that this has helped and I hope that you find what you are looking for.

[ctozrn]

Wow y'all (thats what we say in the south for "you all" !:) )

I have gotten so much from what everyone has said. It is such a relief to hear other people say, "hey, I have felt that way too..." Isn't that what we all want anyway? For others in this world to say that we are not alone? I have found strength from Calif, to Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, to New York City, and many places in between. How cool is that? Where else can we gather strength from friends all over the country that we have never even met. I really feel like I have found a family, full of unconditional love and free of judgement.

Nathan, what you said makes a TON of sense for me. I think that I do chase that "high" of being in love. We think that we are supposed to feel like those first few weeks of the relationship. That is just not reality. I am 37 years old, maybe that is my problem with trying to have a long lasting relationship. I am trying to chase that "love high"

Well, we go to our therapist on Monday. Wish us luck! Thank you and hugs to everyone!

[revcobb]

I believe that love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment, a promise, a gift.

I've done a little counseling, mostly with straight couples, but I don't see that the dynamics are any different. A relationship's a relationship, after all. Nathan's right. Love is more than feeling. It's a faith commitment. And it sure helps to keep a sense of humor, especially when the romantic feelings fade.

There's a book I've used before by Harold Kent Straughn called The Five Divorces of a Healthy Marriage, and while it's not the most attractive title, it's right on target about some of the main stress points in a relationship. Love doesn't always look the same at new stages of a marriage, and when one of you is moving to the next stage and the other isn't yet, you can experience stress, or a sense that the love isn't there when what's really going on is that the relationship is growing.

My wife and I have been married 17 years. At times, I've said, "I love you," by rearranging the closet or doing the laundry, and what she's really needed is to hear, "I love you," by spending time together watching TV. There have been times she's said, "I love you," by paying the bills, but I've wanted to hear, "I love you," by getting a hotel room together for the weekend. Usually we talk it through and figure out which love language the other is using and we learn to speak it.

I can't guess what you're going through, but maybe there's a chance that for you right now, it's not the tenderness of a kiss that says, "love." And that's okay, as long as you and your partner can talk about how each of you says and hears the other's love. I hope all goes well tomorrow.

[pnggrad79]

I love the usual wisdom of the preceding commentors, so here's my two cents, not that it is all that wise, but here nonetheless. Feelings of love ebb and flow and so does sexual desire, but one should not confuse feelings and sexual desire with love as some often do. I fell in love with my wife 19 years ago, began a sexual relationship with her 9 years ago, and I can't imagine life without her. I felt like after being in a heterosexual marriage for 19 years that I had finally figured out what I had been missing all that time. It really does keep getting better, and though we have had our tough times, we keep figuring out how to love each other better. A counselor of ours one time told me, and you can take it however it best fits you, that in a love relationship, you are in it because you love the other person, not because they love you. He even went so far as to say that it was none of my business if she loved me back, if I loved her, it was my job to keep loving her. He wanted me to see that it wasn't truly love if I only loved her because she loved me. That isn't love, he asserted. Putting this into practice has been difficult, but I have determined that I do love her and regardless if she loves me back, I am going to show her everyday that she is precious to me. My dying thought will be of her. I love her. If she loves me back, that is wonderful, but not a prerequisite for me loving her. It takes some getting used to, but if you approach love in an agape way, it can be very rewarding. Eros love usually follows. ;)

[marutidas]

When I was talking about my mom, her and her ex-partner were together for 14 years, that was in no way a "new love", that the why I said what I did, I do think it is good to work it out and possibly salvage your relationship, but if there is absolutely nothing there anymore and you disgust at you present situation, then please by all means move on. Your shouldn't string someone along just because your afraid to hurt their fellings.

I do understand in a relationship tha tit has its up and downs and more less worth to ride it out. But it is more important to honest with your self and with your partner, really look deep in inside and ask, "do I love him/her?"

The only one who can help you is you all we can do is offer possiblities.

~~~Maruti Das:flower:

[belladonnacordial]

I've been in my current relationship for ten years, well ten years come April. Right about the turn of the twenty first century, I had no sex drive at all. None. One day it was there. The next it was gone. It was a time of a lot of stress, various events tumbling down on me all at once. My partner (who is male) and I worked through it ourselves. I'm not recommending that route, just saying it worked for us. We both made up our minds that it was a passing phase. He was really patient with me and did his best to shoulder and alleviate some the external pressures and burdens that were weighing me down.

We would engage in zero pressure snuggling sessions that he knew would not lead to sex. Those really helped me. Before that it was my instinct to recoil from any sort of touch from him- that was how much I did not want sex. For me scarier than the idea of jumping off a cliff was that feeling of being pressured to have sex by someone I love, that looming, seemingly inescapable expectation. I could not bring my to do it, just to go through the motions. I didn't want to feel like a date rape. Who would?

Once we took sex out of the equation, a mountain lifted off of me. Neck massages started to feel good again, as did hugs. Then one day kissing became as much fun as it was in middle school. It was a snowball rolling down a hill from there, almost worth all the angst and trouble of getting to that point, (probably not but great all the same.) Acting like you are dating someone totally new, returning to the courting phase stirs up those old feelings with a vengeance.

I should mention just one more thing. I found out after the fact that loss of libido can sometimes indicate a physical health problem such as heart disease or diabetes. If you haven't had a physical recently, it's never a bad idea to rule that stuff out.

I hope some of this helped. I know how frustrating, depressing, and scary that time in my life was for me. I can only imagine what it was like for my partner who suffered constant rejection and tending to his own libido on top of maintaining the patience of Job for my sake. I hope it helps to know that others have been in similar situations and have come through. I wish you both all the best. Love, Donna