My Parents are coming to town!!!

[amy]

:confused: I'm not sure what to do...ya see...my conservative christian parents who think I'm deceived are coming to visit, who invited themselves as always. I feel so obligated when they come. (they don't know I'm gay, well they assume that I am so I heard through a cousin) I've never told them I was gay, personally. So...anyways they are bringing my brother (a marine) who I haven't seen in 2 years or so...(my brother and I aren't close) In fact I just got over (sexual) issues I had because of him (when we were younger), but that is another story.
I have these very closed minded parents who have lived in the same town their whole lives, never went to college, and have barely been out of their state. ya know that scripture that says "everyone is righteous in their own eyes"...well that is them. They think that because they say something, it is right and they won't hear anything else.
(I'm not sure how to even explain myself and what I'm going through.)
My girlfriend said something last night that really hit home which was, "the Truth shall set you free" I have been thinking about that all day now and wonder that maybe I should just tell my mom. I already know she thinks I'm deceived and I can hear her now say "well amy, I already knew you were gay (except she would never say they word gay because she is too ashamed) then she would say something about praying for me, that I come out of this deceiption. blah blah blah. oh and that I use to never be like this until I met my girlfriend.
I'm scared to tell my parents because they are helping pay loans right now and what if they throw all those loans in my face...I would have to drop out of school.
I hide when they come. I rearrange the house to look like my girlfriend sleeps on one side of the house and I sleep on the other...I have to take down posters and put away my sculptures of nude woman. I have to really, really make sure the place is spotless. It sucks!
I need help. And that is something really hard for me to say because in my family, they don't tolerate weakness, they take is and throw it in your face.
I've decided to see a counselor which is also very stressful on my part because my family gave me the impression (growing up) that if you have to see a counselor then you're a crazy person. I know that isn't true but when my girlfriend and I went to sign up, my heart started pounding and my knees started to buckle. All I wanted to do was run and hide forever. I don't like to feel weak and vulnerable because I don't trust people, only my girlfriend.
So...if you have any advice or know what I'm going through, I would really appreciate your imput.
Thanks.

[tdogg]

Wow, Amy - your post brings me back to the day I came out to my stepmom. We won't even mention my aunt. Both fundamental christian conservatives - you know, the kind who say they live literally by the Bible but then pick and choose which scriptures one should live by. Anyways, coming out to my stepmom, my palms were sweaty, my body was sweaty, my heart pounding, knees quivering, head throbbing, and before I could utter the words, I started crying like a newborn baby getting slapped on the butt. Then I blurted out the words. It wasn't as bad as I thought that day, but then immediately got worse and I'm a black sheep. But progress takes time, and working through and healthy discussion (emphasis on HEALTHY).

As far as the counselor goes, it's a great idea and I'm sure after your initial visit your anxiety will lessen greatly. It's well worth getting a neutral educated third party's input, not to tell you what to do, but help you see what you probably knew/know all along.

Well, honestly is normally the best policy, and while some of my family have major issues with me and it's difficult and hurts, there was this feeling of that huge burden being lifted off my shoulders. It was amazingly wonderful. I highly recommend dealing with the anxiety and difficulty and coming on out. However, there are the issues of school loans for you so that is something to think about. Of course, no one can make up your mind for you. But, gosh, seems like a lot of extra work whenever they visit, to put you and your girl back in the closet temporarily. If nothing else, that would motivate me.

Amy, I wish you the best with all this. Wish I could be there to help you through, since I do understand how hard it is. My thoughts and my prayers are of course with you, and whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for now. One thing tho, is your girlfriend prepared to deal if you come out to your family? What about her family? Just a thought...

Good luck, know your SF friends are there in spirit and let us know how it goes for you.

T

[BruceChris]

Please do your best to ask any and all friends for help, or support. I feel terrible saying this, but gee, I sure am glad that I grew up in Minneapolis. With a couple of liberals for parents. I wish you two the very best. :love: :love:

Huggs and Love, Bruce Chris

[u-dog]

I'm the guy who started coming out at 48 so take everything I say with a huge boulder of salt, but

You do know that you don't HAVE to tell them that you are gay OR rearrange your apartment, right? Just tidy up and let them see how you live. If they ask you a direct question... answer it with a smile (or don't) but don't elaborate. When bedtime comes, just say good night and disappear into the bedroom without explanation.

YOu don't ask them about their sex life do you? They are unlikely to ask about yours. You live with a woman friend and share a bedroom with her. So what? no biblical prohibitions about that are there? If you think they will be embarrassed by statues of nude ladies then ... drape them with a dish towel (if they peek they have only themselves to blame :D )

If they DO ask about your relationship... be vague. "we are very close" "she's my best friend" if they ask about your sex life... ask them politely about theirs. :eek: (and then pray that they don't answer :lol: )

I'm not trying to be glib here, Amy, I'm just pointing out that you have control over the information that you share. You set up the boundaries about what they may and may not know and if they step over them... be politely non responsive (AND non-reactive) They ARE guests in your home and you are a grown-up ... loans or no loans.

Feel free to ignore all of the above. You know best about your life. Just know that we will be praying for you.:pray: :love: When are they coming?

[kara speltz]

I'm the guy who started coming out at 48 so take everything I say with a huge boulder of salt, but

You do know that you don't HAVE to tell them that you are gay OR rearrange your apartment, right? Just tidy up and let them see how you live. If they ask you a direct question... answer it with a smile (or don't) but don't elaborate. When bedtime comes, just say good night and disappear into the bedroom without explanation.

If they DO ask about your relationship... be vague. "we are very close" "she's my best friend" if they ask about your sex life... ask them politely about theirs. :eek: (and then pray that they don't answer :lol: )

I'm not trying to be glib here, Amy, I'm just pointing out that you have control over the information that you share. You set up the boundaries about what they may and may not know and if they step over them... be politely non responsive (AND non-reactive) They ARE guests in your home and you are a grown-up ... loans or no loans.
Feel free to ignore all of the above. You know best about your life. Just know that we will be praying for you.:pray: :love: When are they coming?

Dear Amy: As hard as this will be, it will also begin to set new boundaries I suspect between you and your parents. They are coming to your home, and I agree with the above recommendations. The problem is parents always seem to know how to push our buttons, to make us feel like children again, but they are coming to your home. And if your mom said she suspects you're gay, then she already is processing stuff on one level as well as being ready to confront the truth. Coming out isn't an event, it's a process, so be gentle with yourself and with your parents.

If you haven't already read "Stranger at the Gate," this might be a good time to read it. It took Mel's parents a long time to be comfortable in dealing with Mel's gayness. Mel's dad is still in a process of acceptance and he's 90+. If you attend a church, and it's a welcoming one, you might take your parents to church with you, so that can see what your life is about.

We will all keep you in prayer, and know that the Holy Spirit will be with you throughout this time, showing you the way. Kara

[Zerbie]

More prayers headed your way Amy. :pray:

You may decide you wish to take it slowly - deciding to wait to come out to parents until you've had a longer time of living "out" amongst friends and community, til you feel like you've developed a thicker skin and more coping skills, is a very respectable decision. Otoh, there IS a sense of relief and a lessening of emotional burden once you DO let those close to you in on that part of your life. We can't decide for you whether or not to open a discussion with your parents, or what/how much to disclose to them - but whatever you decide, we support you 100%. :love:

Dave and Kara make an excellent point about you being an adult on your own home territory. Once you're self-sufficient, you can begin re-writing the rules of the home territory to fit your own needs, because you are no longer a child living under your parents' roof. I wish I had discovered such sooner, but now that I'm getting into my 30s and own my own house (holy cow, I never get used to saying that! :D ), my relationship with my own parents has finally begun to evolve, and even some old childhood residue is resolving. I set some new boundaries, while simultaneously becoming more open with my parents about who I am, my parents have been adapting to the new "rules," and we are getting along better than ever in 30 years.

I'm not sure how old you are, but my impression is that you are fairly new to being on your own, and you may want to take things a step at a time. Just know that it IS your home and your parents are guests.

Oh - the counseling thing. Things we are taught when little get hard-wired into us, and because we absorb so much as children, it is hard to re-write what we were taught. Even in the face of overwhelming intellectual evidence that what we were initially taught was wrong! So don't worry if you have the visceral anxiety reaction about seeing a counselor. You ARE doing the right thing - a good counselor can provide additional perspective, and help you learn more effective coping skills. It's like hiring an outside consultant.

It's also okay to feel vulnerable. That's a really really tough one. Just use your intelligence about who you can trust and to what extent. The mere fact that you are asking all these questions, facing so many new, scary (yet exciting!) endeavors (school, coming out, artwork) demonstrates what a brave and pro-active person you are. :) Your willingness to try new things (even the counseling counts) is the sign of a strong, bold person open to adventure, exploration, and growth. You're also a smart woman - you will be able to separate the worthwhile from the BS. You're on the right track.

Meanwhile, best of luck dealing with the family situation. Stuff like that is trying on all of us. With effort and time, things can improve a great deal.

Hang in there and keep us posted.

:love: :pray:

[Daniel]

Amy- Others have said really good stuff. Here's what came to mind: Breath. Remind yourself to breath. Deep and slow with long exhalations, which are known to reduce stress. Feel yourself breath. Let yourself breath.

The first thing we do when we're afraid and someone is pulling our chain is arrest our breathing.

Not good.

Have you every noticed that when you are really really calm your breathing slows down? Gets real placid and peaceful? That's not the same thing as it being arresting. When our breath does that everything hardens and feels rigid. Even our thoughts.

Here's a simple way to think about breathing from someone who does it for a living (singing):

1) watch what happens before you go to say something. You'll notice that your abs go out slightly. Your ribcage may not move at all. That's Ok.

2) Now. If you you want to breath more 'deeply', all you have to do is let the action that you first noticed (abs moving out slightly) continue with this important caveat: as you continue inhaling, let your lower ribcage expand. You'll notice when you do this that your abs will firm up and feel like they come in slightly. If you keep at this, you'll feel expansion all the way up under your armpit.

A free and expansive ribcage makes for a free and expansive heart.

Breath Baby....Breath!

Much peace and love to you!

[BruceChris]

You say that you don't know how old Amy (and her partner?) are, but she raises financial aid issues, and if you check out her profile, you see a couple of college aged looking young women. They look like a nice couple.

As to how to help Amy's parents learn, gently, I have only one suggestion. No matter what happens, and no matter what behaviors that you, Amy, are presented with, be positive, reply calmly to anything that is said, do whatever you have to do to avoid a fight, or a screaming match, and do your best to avoid breaking down and crying, but if you have to, you have to. It doesn't mean that you have lost, and it doesn't mean that you have to give in on any point. I hope that between the understandings that you already have, and the help that you can get, that you can maintain a positive relationship, without being co-opted back into submissive, childhood roles.

"I find that no matter how frightened I am, the important thing is that I tell my own truth" -- or words to that effect, -- Audre Lourde

I find that a great source of learning, growth, and Christian selfhood are Dotti and Roby, from GayIntoStraightAmerica. It seems that no matter what crap they run into, they respond only with Christian love, honesty, and respect. They seem to get the respect, and sometimes the friendship of Conservative Christians (CC) who would otherwise condemn them.

http://gayintostraightamerica.com/index.php?page_id=12

Peace, and Much Love, Bruce Chris

[amy]

I don't even know how to begin to thank each and everyone who has replied. I'm just so appreciative that you all are so supportive. So if you haven't yet, you can read "My parents aren't coming anymore" for the new news. Feel free to comment, encourage, all the above :)
Just so you know, I have been living "on my own" for about a year or so...I don't count the years I spent in the dorms...(it didn't feel like I was on my own in the dorms, since the schools I went to had curfew and a RA) although I have had to work my whole life if I wanted anything. My parents aren't the kind who would just fork over money if I wanted something...if I need something like a loan, they will help but I have to pay them back once I graduate, as well as my grandma who is helping. (I picked EXPENSIVE schools, unfortunately). But now I'm at a state school that I like.
Anyways, Thanks again for all your help.
Lots of Love
Amy

[scott snedeker]

This is an opportunity! In my life adversity and chaos have always pushed me to make changes that are long overdue. I no longer fear them. Fear is the lowest emotional state. I agree with the other posters. Help from four friends to summon your courage. Deep down you know that you have the courage to face them.

It is probably best to write a letter so that you can compose and organize what you want to say. If there is insufficient time for it to get to their home by next day mail, then hand it to them when they arrive. Tell them "I need for you to read this. I'm going to leave you alone for about ten minutes and then I'll return."

Tell them in the letter you love them. That you are relieved that they now know you and you can stop pretending. That you have faith that their love for you is as strong as your love for them. That because you love them you are telling them now to prevent a barrier from developing between the three of you by keeping secret your most fundamental nature. That God created you gay so that you could love another of his gay children who needs you. That being gay is no more a abomination than wearing gabardine or eating pork chops (leviticus). That unconditional love is just that. That you are happy and God is sharing in your joy of sharing love.