Rapture Satire

[schoolboi]

***This Is Satire***


ARKANSAS CITY (AP) —
A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.

"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everett Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said.

She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say. "This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said , "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."


I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants! Corey H.

[NonLemming]

That is priceless.

[Jennifer5]

Interesting combination.............. I would agree... priceless:lol:

[SolInvictus]

Very funny, indeed :-)

[baraka]

too funny! it's so crazy that i would've believed it to be true if you hadn't put the "satire" disclaimer in there.

let's have another one!

baraka

[JoeyNTerryLvJesus]

Hey guys and gals! That was funny! My name is Joey, I'm new. I posted a "hello" message, but I think I've posted it on the wrong thread :) I can't wait to get to know y'all ! Who else on this thread really believes in the Rapture?

Joey :)

[baraka]

hey joey -

the Rapture.... i hadn't much examined my own thoughts/beliefs about it until recently. i'm in the middle of reading a book about it (i think it's called "the rapture exposed") which basically debunks the doctrine of the rapture as unbiblical & harmful.

as a belief taught by churches, it's a very "young" idea, and not universally agreed upon like, say, the Trinity. the whole "left behind" fad has sure put the spotlight on it, though.

-- baraka

[Jennifer5]

The whole rapture thing doesn't work for me, but that's just my opinion.

[JoeyNTerryLvJesus]

Yeah, it is a very controversial idea. Not everyone in the church is in agreement on it. Even those who agree on it, do not agree on when it may take place (ex: Pre-Trib, Mid-Trib,Post-Trib) While I personally believe in the Rapture (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18), it is very interesting to me to hear other peoples opinions about it, and why some Christians don't believe in it. I know it is a relatively new idea, in the scope of Christian history. Who wrote the book you are reading baraka? It sounds interesting!

Peace and Blessings,
Joey:D

[SolInvictus]

Personally, I do not believe in the Rapture for several reasons: it has historical origins in Zorastorism, which is basically outlines the apocalyptic beliefs that go to Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Another reason, it seems impractical & illogical: God only taking the "selected," and does not equate to the loving God that I believe in personally. Such a scenario marginalizes non-Christians to live in a horrible world. Finally, my view of the "Second Coming" is that Christ is always and always has been with us in spirit. In the Gospel of Thomas (50 CE, Nag Hammadi Texts) & Luke 17:21, it suggests the "kingdom of God is within/in the midst of you," and "people do not see it." Just one theory - not saying others have to believe it, of course.

[Jamie McDaniel]

Who else on this thread really believes in the Rapture?
Well, I used to believe in it very much. When I was in college, I once mailed everyone in my Sunday School class little cards that told fictional stories about where they were and what they were doing when the rapture occurred sometime in the near future. At the time, everyone was reading those "Left Behind" books. I even bought them for my mom as Christmas presents for a few years. I basically introduced my parents to fundamentalist Christianity. Now they attend an independent Baptist church whereas before they were at least going to a somewhat moderate-to-conservative Baptist church. So when I condemn fundamentalism, I have to be careful because I also have to own those three years of my life when I was caught up in it and even helped to spread it.

I think I initially got pulled into fundamentalism because of self-hatred over internalized homophobia and the desire to be accepted. Oh, and also that very cute boy who went to that Southern Baptist church and who I had a huge crush on. ;)

In retrospect, I think what happened is that I eventually pushed the theory of fundamentalism to its logical conclusion, and then I whole-heartly rejected it. After a time, I realized that the theology I held meant that, in the end times, God was going to commit a holocaust so great, that it would make Hitler's work seem like child's play in comparison. I rejected that. I wanted people to "believe in Jesus", but I also knew that the vast majority of humanity was not Christian. I wasn't able to accept the fact that God would do what my theology, when pushed to its conclusion, said God would do.

Anyway, I do believe in the "renewal of all things" as Jesus put it. The "ushering in of the beloved community" as Dr. King described it. Everything else, I don't really connect with because it is so tied in with a theology that excludes. If it could be connected with inclusion and love, then maybe. But since having learned that the rapture is a product of the 19th century, it makes it even easier to not subscribe to.

[Shep]

Great satire schoolboi, I loved it, and it's very possible that that satirical scene could have already taken place somewhere.
We have probably all seen how people can get carried away with Bible prophecy & predictions & base their every move on it. I feel that if we believe in God, then we have to believe that He is not limited in His abilities, and can do things that in our finite minds seem impossible.
I also believe that stories from the Bible whether or not they were events that actually took place, or will take place in the future, is not of great importance. It's the lessons we learn from those stories, and how we apply it to our lives that matters.
I'm sure you will agree that as christians we are suppose to use the Bible as a guidebook on how to live our lives and treat others, not to try and guess when the end is coming. As a matter of fact Jesus forbade us to even speculate on when the end would be.
The action of the woman in the satire (while entertaining) was an excellent example of how not to be a christian. I know that we can see and understand that, but it is sad that some who wear the badge of Christianity subscribe to that mindset and would jump through their sunroof in an effort to not be "Left Behind". If God is going to take anyone in a rapture, He knows who He wants, and doesn't need any help. To me jumping through the sunroof only showed selfishness, and lack of faith.

[itsjustme]

Oooooooo, that's just toooooo funny!

[Emproph]

Personally, I do not believe in the Rapture for several reasons.... my view of the "Second Coming" is that Christ is always and always has been with us in spirit. In the Gospel of Thomas (50 CE, Nag Hammadi Texts) & Luke 17:21, it suggests the "kingdom of God is within/in the midst of you," and "people do not see it." Just one theory - not saying others have to believe it, of course.
(I know this is long and I apologize, but I’m passionate about this and there’s rarely an opportune 'forum' to speak on it openly. :))

SolInvictus, you my dear, have been raptured. You've been holding out on us too, haven't you? :cool:
-The understanding you speak of is not ‘theory’ or ‘belief’ or even ‘knowing’ for that matter, it’s remembering. I couldn’t have put it as succinctly with as much credibility (references), but I’m going to try.. and reciprocate here.

It is my understanding that what is referred to as the “rapture” is the beginning of the momentum leading to the 'Second Coming,' happening to everyone but some recognizing the magnitude of its implications more indicatively than others, namely that of realizing it’s impossibility. God’s presence cannot be here any more than it already is, Jesus can’t come back because he never left. The lack of our perception of God’s presence then, must lie within us. (To be clear, I’m speaking from sight here and not conjecture :rainbow: )
-To understand the nature of Love is to understand Oneness. Judgement day is the day you realize e-v-e-r-y-day is Judgement day, and that the judgement is how well you have used the tool of judgement for the best of all. Essentially by not judging others, because we are one.

Love ONLY allows, without that definition there could never be a universe that allowed for the creation of the concept of evil, the idea of the lack of Love. Lack is based on the concept of nothing, the state of nothingness is impossible, so to then must be the concept of it, making the concept of nothing an illusion. It could only have been created by design. If God is Love, the concept of nothing is the essence of absurdity.

And the only possible motive a God of Love could have for creating the idea of pain/fear (lack), would be to create infinitely more Love (-Heaven). What better way, than to show that every idea of fear and pain we ever had were illusions (allowed to be) designed specifically to demonstrate their impossibility? If that strikes you as delusional, imagine if it were true. What could better convince someone of the truth of the infinite Power of infinite Love who is God?
-What do you give a God who has everything? -More.
Each of us is an aspect of God touching matter. Creation is a word for God’s thought of Matter. We are inside the mind of God right now, part of God’s thoughts thinking about itself through the “eyes” of humans, where it has the privilege of pretending that anything could ever “go wrong,” (An impossible feat when you only have Heaven to work with...).

“And the dead in Christ shall rise first.” -Those who know the truth of Love yet are dead to it’s spirit (for whatever reasons), are going to be the first to notice an increase in it’s intensity. The living in Christ will be used to that intensity and will naturally not notice it immediately.
“He is coming in the clouds” -The certainty of the reality of infinite Love comes through the resolution of our confusion regarding it, that part of our mind that is yet “clouded” to its ever-presence. “And they shall see him in the air.” -The air in front of your face, here, now. All is One, God is Everything (Love creates from it’s own being, it Loves it’s creation, why would it not want to participate in it?). To see “Him” in the air is to see yourself as part of the air and “One” with all that is on a practical physical level that even our ego’s cannot argue with. No separation between you and your “neighbor” or "enemy" for that matter. “Doing unto others” IS doing unto yourself. Doing "unto the least of these” is doing unto Him as well.
-Oneness is “The Great I Am.” -Everything that exists considers itself an “I am.” The Great I Am is each “I Amness” combined.

-Communication through technology is integrating our awareness and understanding of each other as we relate to the whole. The clearer each of us understands all of us combined on an individual level, the better those of us who understand are able to communicate that to the rest of us, each of us an aspect of the reflection of God in matter. Each contributing, just by being alive, the idea of the completion of that “image” of God in matter. :rainbow:

The more and better technology to communicate with, the more effectively and efficiently the communication of the-integration-process becomes. When enough of us fully “get it,” the understanding of ONLY Heaven/Love will spill over to those who don’t (critical mass).
-It’s already happening, the rapture is just the beginning of the completion of God’s spirit infusing matter. The saints in history are examples of sustaining it’s momentum in order to reach us now. The message is that the perception of Heaven has never not been within reach, and that nothing could ever go wrong(All Powerful). Original sin is the belief in sin. No sin, no blame, no need to forgive. Only Love always. Pain is designed to learn how to ALWAYS choose ONLY Love as a response. In Heaven (the rest of creation), it’s just another “day” of eternal joy. We will for the rest of eternity know what Heaven means because we will never forget the meaning “hell.” Unlike before, we now have knowledge of Good AND evil (as in the "tree of").
-It is specifically because of dogmatic adherence to Biblical belief structures that this experience is not being recognized for what it is. Most damaging I think is the idea that it’s either not possible or we're not meant to see God/Love in all of It’s liquid diamonds Glory. The beauty of truth though is that it confirms itself when it's understood. My point is that sight of God is no further than following the implications of the meaning of Love. Our thoughts about God are of God, meaning our thoughts about Love were designed by Love, meaning the desired thoughts that oneness verifies could only have come from a place where oneness is conceivable. The idea of perfection cannot exist outside of the context of perfection. Do you understand?

It’s not about trying to 'see' or 'know' anything, it’s about recognizing what we 'see' and 'know' that is not true and eliminating it. Anything that does not match with the idea of ONLY Love is an illusion in need of undoing. Remove what is not true (everything associated with the idea of hell) and the truth that we never left Heaven becomes apparent.
All of human history is just the ripples from a wave that's just waiting for us to realize its already crashed. We haven't even begun yet.
-Listen to the [u]lyrics of the music to see inbetween the notes, See the sound in between, It's there.
:aparty:
P.S. I find pop Christian to be especally effective.

[SolInvictus]

Hello Emproph,
WOW - very well written & very passionate. I have to agree w/ you - Jesus never left & He has always been here. Yes, I can attest to feeling of being reborn in the spirit, connecting to the Oneness of the Divine - thus we are all resurrected with Christ.

Very passionate & powerful response. Thank you & I have much to ponder.

[baraka]

hiya: the book i mentioned in an earlier post, "the rapture exposed" is by barbara rossing. hope you'll find it as enlightening as i did.

the RAPTURE is a RACKET !!!