B.Ryan.F.'s Late Introduction

[bryanf]

I guess this is where I come to introduce myself.

Right now my life feels like it in is in such flux again. From 1996 to 1999 (age: 15 – 18) I was coming to acceptance of my sexuality as being gay. This was a period of great stress and depression in my life. For you see I came from a rather fundamentalist family. When it came to the light that I was gay my family gave me an ultimatum to change or become homeless. They gave me a week to think it over. During that week in June of 1999, I was visited a church. Something happened there. In the middle of this most horrible music wise Christian rock concert I came to feel the presence of the Lord come upon me. All I could do was to cry out “I got to change. You are Lord.” My life has been changed ever sense. And from that day onwards I never had attempted suicide again. The Lord Jesus Christ delivered me from the darkness and brought me into the light. Christ Jesus became the joy of my life. In all of this my family began thinking that because I had become a Christian that well all of this issue with my sexuality would be over with.

Then came the years of self-hatred and denial. (1999 – 2006)
On the night of my salvation I came to know and feel this most amazing call to serve my Lord Jesus for all the days of my life. And each day that passed I came to fall more madly in love with him. I came to know him as the most beautiful and loving one. One who is closer than a friend or a brother. As I longed after his presence, I learned ever more that He was, is, and always shall be so most wonderful. I wanted to live a holy life. A life in which nothing separated me from him. I felt so dirty for the homosexual longings that were still present in me. They haunted me. I felt so most a shame. I felt that I could never be worthy of his love. Which in truth we never are. However I have learned that he still gives it to us anyhow no matter where we are at.

From 2000 to 2004 I studied at a small Christian school in the foothills of Georgia called Emmanuel College ( http://eclions.net/). I came to know what it meant to live in a community of love. I came to know the Lord ever so much more during my time there. I was so most dearly blessed. My life was forever changed.

However I will admit the anti-glbt policies of the school, the general mindset, etc. continued to enforce a self-hatred, a denial of who I was. In a sense I learned in this time how to live a prosperous half-life. Half of me was exuberantly wonderful. I was changing so much for the better. The part of me as a gay man and much of my emotional/desire side was suppressed though. And in time I attempted to forget it. Though my dreams would never let me.

After graduating from Emmanuel College with a Bachelors of Science in Christian Ministries; I moved to Wilmore, KY and enrolled at Asbury Theological Seminary in 2004. Here I worked on a Masters of Arts degree in Theological Studies. Currently I am only 12 hrs away from graduating but I do not know if I can go on. I do not know if I can continue supporting a school that is intolerant towards us. However part of me says go on and get the degree. You have put enough student loans in it. Though I am also struggling that if no or few places in between will allow me to serve in ministry because of my orientation; why spend the next $14,000.

Anyhow that’s mostly my background. Only a several months ago I finally came to fully embrace being gay. In truth I hopefully will come-out in the next few months as a gay man. If that happens and I am not graduated from Asbury Theological Seminary yet, well I’ll be removed from the school. Also currently I am trying to leave my job with a faith-based non-profit who has a strong policy against LGBT. Currently for them I do office administration, some web design/programming, event planning, and misc. other stuff. Oh and I am also part in the catch22 position of being a lay leader in a church who is part of a group in the Anglican Communion Network (the churches who broke off from the Episcopal Church).

So simply to say in the next few months I am fully expecting for when I do come out of the closet to lose my church family, my family, my closest friends, my job, my current place of residency, the work I have put in towards a masters degree and many other things.

*lol* I sound like a fun character don’t I. You would never guess from reading this that my friends generally consider me to be a natural born comedian.

*lol* Sorry about the depressing mood of this guys and gals.

Anyhow right now I reside in Eastern North Carolina. I spend a lot of time in the Raleigh-Durham area, Greenville area, Jacksonville area, and New Bern area. If you are from any area around those and want to hang-out sometime. Shoot me a howler.

[BenL]

BRF,

Welcome to the Soulforce community. I hope you come to consider this a home away from home and the people here a new family.

The first thing I want to assure you is that your faith in God has not been misplaced. God does hear your prayers ... his answers to your prayers may be a little different than you expected. Jesus does care about you ... the whole you, including your gayness.

The next important thing is to encourage you to find a way to integrate your faith with who you are -- every part of you, including the gay you. Remember that God made you in his image and likeness. If he did that most miraculous of things, who are any of us to question God's wisdom? I believe that the embededness of our gay selves is part of of God's plan for us. He wants us to embrace the natures he has given us and to love him in return.

You probably are very dedicated to the Bible. There are many consoling and loving words in the Bible for all of us. Try not to let anyone use the Bible against you, to take it away from you and keep it hostage from you. It's your Bible, too, and it's time for you to turn to it for reconciliation. Don't read it as condemnation, but as affirmation. Look to it for strength. Learn to read it as a gay person. If you stay around the forums long enough, you'll see a lot of other people here opening themselves to God's word in a new way.

You're among friends here. No one is here to comdemn you. We're here to support you and to help you find your way. As you share with us, I'm sure that we'll all learn from you, too.

Bring that wonderful sense of humor with you. Lord knows, it can be bleak enough being gay. Laughter is a wonderful healer.

We're glad you here.

BenL

[Daniel]

bryanf- Welcome!

It sounds as though you are very closeted, which probably means you have few gay friends and what is called a 'support system". What you need, more than anything, is to start building that support system- coming out to those who you are pretty sure will be supportive- those who are both gay and straight. For if your worst fears are realized, you are going to need that support system.

Being here is a great place to start that process.

Again. Welcome.

[belladonnacordial]

Hi B.Ryan! :flower:

I know your feelings of isolation and uncertainty. You are not alone here. We are all here with you.

This is a wonderful place! You will find many people here who share your faith and many who have been where you are now and relate through personal experiences to the challenges you now face. Here you will find support, unconditional love, and understanding to help you on your way. You are most welcome here!

Inside of you there is a beautiful person with a bright future.
Peace, love, and light in your life, Donna

[bryanf]

Thanks guys for your support.

I am already building somewhat of support system as it is. I have been able to meet about two other gay guys somewhat locally (one is about 1hr away and the other is about 20 minutes) that I get together with about once a week and hang out with. Online I have made a probrably about 4 to 8 descent chat buddies to say the least. Always good to hear from them. Actually met one of the 1st two guys through a chatroom and the other guy through his ex- (long story there).

In regards to my friends and family. A few years ago I had a cousin comeout of the closet and the entire family disowned him. I attempted to get his contact info but nobody even acknowledges that he exists anymore. So realistically I know that the same outcome is liable to happen to me. In regards to my friends; their our hyper James Dobson followers to say the least. Last time I mentioned I had same sex attraction; well simply to say they try to get me into reparative therapy and had a person from an ex-gay ministry contact me. They are real big on "tough" love.

So out of my closest systems at the moment; most of them will become quite voliatile when the day comes (I hope within the next few months) that I come out of the closet.

[Zerbie]

heartfelt welcome to ya! Ya sorta snuck into the forum, huh? I'm glad you finally posted an introduction.

Wow! You are going through a LOT! More than I gathered from your other post (that I replied to earlier.)

You may decide it's worth finishing that master's degree that you are so close to earning. You are a young person and the world is changing for the better, so you never know how that degree may be applicable to you in the future. There are more and more inclusive, affirming churches.

Daniel is so right - have a support system in place before you do come out. It sounds like you are already building that support system up for when you might need it - and you are always welcome to come here when you need a little more anonymous support, as well.

REgards your disowned cousin: my family did that to my mother's cousin a decade before I was born. I grew up not even allowed to mention his name or ask about him, and was an adult before I found out WHY (as a little girl I thought perhaps he was in prison for murder or something.) Anyway, long story short, because I had his full name and the name of the college from which he graduated, I was able to locate him. The school had his current address and phone number on file in their alumni directory. You can probably locate your cousin similarly and establish contact with him. That way you two can be familial support for each other until your family starts coming round. If you want, anyway. . . .

Well, thanks for posting the intro. We're glad you're here.

And man! You sound really really brave!! :love:

[tdogg]

Hi and welcome BRyanF!

You are in a warm and compassionate place here on the forums. I can sorta relate to what you are going thru - I have family and friends, conservative/fundamentalist Christians. Some no longer talk to me. Some talk to me but don't acknowledge my partner/relationship and we are not welcome in their home. Some are wonderfully loving, accepting and happy for me.

It's not an easy road for sure. But it sounds like you are preparing yourself for it, and yes, it's a lot better to go down that road with friends. Take care and know that you have friends here whenever you need them.

Tdogg

[Jamie McDaniel]

Hi BryanF,

Welcome! Since you have attended Asbury, take a look at this thread (www.soulforce.org/forums/showthread.php?t=1435).

[bryanf]

Hi BryanF,

Welcome! Since you have attended Asbury, take a look at this thread (www.soulforce.org/forums/showthread.php?t=1435).

I actually had planned to go to the event, just I had to work. Yeah it caused quite a bit of stir on campus. Kind of like when David Cupps spoke to a select few of the students in a circle and answer time. Actually I was able to go to that one. But yeah even after he gave a small talk, there was still quite a stir on campus too.

[Diane Vera]

B.Ryan F., did you see the private message I sent you a couple of days ago?

[bryanf]

Been meaning to write you a reply.

Actually interviewing for a position tomorrow with a new company. ;o)

[Diane Vera]

I guess this is where I come to introduce myself.

Right now my life feels like it in is in such flux again. From 1996 to 1999 (age: 15 – 18) I was coming to acceptance of my sexuality as being gay. This was a period of great stress and depression in my life. For you see I came from a rather fundamentalist family. When it came to the light that I was gay my family gave me an ultimatum to change or become homeless. They gave me a week to think it over. During that week in June of 1999, I was visited a church. Something happened there. In the middle of this most horrible music wise Christian rock concert I came to feel the presence of the Lord come upon me. All I could do was to cry out “I got to change. You are Lord.” My life has been changed ever sense. And from that day onwards I never had attempted suicide again. The Lord Jesus Christ delivered me from the darkness and brought me into the light. Christ Jesus became the joy of my life. In all of this my family began thinking that because I had become a Christian that well all of this issue with my sexuality would be over with.

[...]

Only a several months ago I finally came to fully embrace being gay.

[...]

So simply to say in the next few months I am fully expecting for when I do come out of the closet to lose my church family, my family, my closest friends, my job, my current place of residency, the work I have put in towards a masters degree and many other things.

I think it's absolutely awful that your parents would even think of throwing you out of the house for being gay -- especially back when you were not yet 18.

I grew up in a conservative Christian family. Nevertheless, when I came out to my parents as both bisexual and no longer Christian at the age of 15, I knew that they would strongly disapprove, but I never had any fear that they would disown me or stop loving me as their child. And indeed they didn't.

What kind of parent would throw a child out of the house for being gay????! I've heard that there are all too many such parents out there, but, still, this boggles my mind.

What is your parents' religion? Are they conservative evangelical Anglicans, like you? Or are they some kind of hardcore fundamentalists?

[nmwolfboy]

B.Ryan.F, somehow i missed your intro posting. Whoops! :o

That's quite a road you've been travelling for some time now. God bless you for your continuing love of the Lord.

i wish i had something profound to say that would make life easier for you to deal with, but i don't. i also wish i could jump in my truck and drive there to give you a hug, but here's the virtual variety instead: ((((HUGS!!!)))) i also want to tell you that you are a cherished child of God, just as you are. Somehow, i think you already know that. :)

Hang in there brother - life always changes. You're in my prayers. :pray:

Pax :dove:

scott

Oh, how did the interview go?

[Diane Vera]

I wrote earlier:

I think it's absolutely awful that your parents would even think of throwing you out of the house for being gay -- especially back when you were not yet 18.

...

What kind of parent would throw a child out of the house for being gay????! I've heard that there are all too many such parents out there, but, still, this boggles my mind.

Since writing the above, I've done some quick web research on the issue. See the thread Parents who throw out their gay children (http://www.soulforce.org/forums/showthread.php?t=2421). See also the thread Homeless youth, often gay (http://www.soulforce.org/forums/showthread.php?t=2397).

Perhaps Soulforce might consider this issue as a focus for some future activism?

[bryanf]

I think it's absolutely awful that your parents would even think of throwing you out of the house for being gay -- especially back when you were not yet 18.

I grew up in a conservative Christian family. Nevertheless, when I came out to my parents as both bisexual and no longer Christian at the age of 15, I knew that they would strongly disapprove, but I never had any fear that they would disown me or stop loving me as their child. And indeed they didn't.

What kind of parent would throw a child out of the house for being gay????! I've heard that there are all too many such parents out there, but, still, this boggles my mind.

What is your parents' religion? Are they conservative evangelical Anglicans, like you? Or are they some kind of hardcore fundamentalists?

By then it was just my mother. My father who had controlled the faith expression of the family for most of my life (he was an avid atheist so he would not allow us to attend religious functions; my mother had to sneak us off to church as children) had passed from an intentional drug overdose a few years before. My mother particularly at this point in time was embracing the holiness-Pentecostal spectrum of Christianity. Which for a time after my crisis-conversaion experience I too would participate also for a bit. Heck I almost attended Evangel but ended up going to another Pentecostal college for undergrad.

Under the advice of the rest of our family, the members of the church, and the pastors; she came to believe that the best way to show she loved me was to show me "tough" love by rejecting me as gay. Also the rest of the church and her pastors told her that if she allowed me under her roof she would be tempting God to bring judgment down upon the house. So she in part was not only concerned for me but her own self also. I was only 17 at the time. So it was scary as all get out to figure out what to do. Only the week before did I chose to attend my senior year of High School because I had taken extra classes before and fulfilled all the requirements for graduation by the time I was a junior. At that point I really wish I would of taken the high school diploma and gotten out of there. But in this time of crisis did I come to know the amazing love of God and he preserved me throughout this time. I came to know him as a loving Lord, brother, and friend. I still know him as such. But it took 8 years of processing it for me to come to a point of being comfortable with being a loving follower of Christ and a gay man.

But yes being 17 it was an extremely scary situation. Actually brought it up to my family not terribly long ago and they still believe that it would be the right choice again. And it was even expressed that if any one of us was to choose that path (which they don't know that I have) then it would be the only loving thing they could do to show us. Which is ever more adding complications to the point of coming out. In truth I am contemplating just moving a good distance away and keeping that side of my life private. Though it does indeed hurt me not to be able to share it with the rest of teh family.

[bryanf]

Oh, how did the interview go?


The interview went extremely well but I may not get it for one of two reasons:
#1 They want someone who has kids, whether married or not.
#2 Though they don't know I am gay, the non-profit while I was there amongst two of the other individuals did a series of jest at the gay community. Obviously this place is not going to be tolerant at all.

So if I do get this position, I don't know if it is going to be a place I can prosper.

[bryanf]

What is your parents' religion? Are they conservative evangelical Anglicans, like you? Or are they some kind of hardcore fundamentalists?

Oh my family has enough of a problem with me as an Anglican and not a Pentecostal anymore. They think I am bordering to much on Catholicism as it is and they often pray for my soul. I freaked them out not terribly long ago, just for kicks, because in Anglicanism some of us have no problem of asking the saints to pray for us.... so just for kicks I prayed the Rosary in front of them. There mouths dropped open. It was awesome.

[Diane Vera]

My mother particularly at this point in time was embracing the holiness-Pentecostal spectrum of Christianity. Which for a time after my crisis-conversaion experience I too would participate also for a bit. Heck I almost attended Evangel but ended up going to another Pentecostal college for undergrad.

Under the advice of the rest of our family, the members of the church, and the pastors; she came to believe that the best way to show she loved me was to show me "tough" love by rejecting me as gay. Also the rest of the church and her pastors told her that if she allowed me under her roof she would be tempting God to bring judgment down upon the house. So she in part was not only concerned for me but her own self also. I was only 17 at the time. So it was scary as all get out to figure out what to do.

Yikes! So there are actually churches that outright advocate that parents throw gay kids out of the house!!! That is horrible!

[nmwolfboy]

Oh my family has enough of a problem with me as an Anglican and not a Pentecostal anymore. They think I am bordering to much on Catholicism as it is and they often pray for my soul. I freaked them out not terribly long ago, just for kicks, because in Anglicanism some of us have no problem of asking the saints to pray for us.... so just for kicks I prayed the Rosary in front of them. There mouths dropped open. It was awesome.

i can somewhat relate! :agree: :laughing: Though a staunch Methodist instead of Pentecostal, my mother is pretty conflicted about my having become an Episcopalian. After she dropped & retrieved the phone (not really - just kidding!) when i told her i was once again attending church after a 25 year hiatus, she was obviously at a loss when i told her it was an Anglican church and not a Methodist one. She absolutely despises the 'smells & bells' high-church style of liturgical worship, preferring something that's more familiarly Protestant. She kind of gave me a "That's really, uh, nice, dear...gotta go."

-scott

[Diane Vera]

My mother particularly at this point in time was embracing the holiness-Pentecostal spectrum of Christianity.

Did her church belong to a particular Holiness/Pentecostal denomination, or was it one of those "non-denominational" storefront churches?

I'm wondering if there are full-fledged organized Holiness/Pentecostal denominations that advocate parents throwing gay kids out of the house.

Also I'm wondering if there are any other sects that advocate this.

I do know that Jehovah's Witnesses advocate the total shunning of "apostates," even members of one's own family. Dunno if that applies to gays in their case.

[bryanf]

For that denomination it isn't advocated by anyone in authority or by position. It was a decision encouraged by her local pastors and other leaders of the church.

Actually I have known Jehovah Witnesses who have been totally shunned from there families after they have come out for being apostate. Not sure how common that is but I atleast know of two who experienced something on that lines.