What should be my next step?

[Tinkerbell047]

So, I'd like to thank you all for a minute. I've only been on this board for a short time, but I've learned so much from you all and come to terms with the religious aspect of homosexuality that I've been able to come to terms with my own sexuality. About two weeks ago I came to the final realization and acceptance of my bisexuality. I feel mostly at peace with it, partly due to the warm acceptance and understanding of you all. So, thank you.

At the same time, however, I'm scared. I have no clue what my next step should be. Just five months ago I was preaching against this lifestyle, and only two months ago did I finally realized that it's not a sin and that God isn't going to condemn me for it. So, what do I do next? I feel like I should know what happens now, but I don't.

Thanks,
-Tink

[scott snedeker]

dear Tink,

The next step is clear. Learn to connect with the unconditional love of self, and love toward others will follow. be kind to your soul. don't judge yourself. know that you are doing your best given your level of consciousness. forgive any trespasses that may have resulted in pain.

repeat a phrase derived from a course in miracles three times:

"Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all regrets, grievances, and resentments, and choose the miracle."

"Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all regrets, grievances, and resentments, and choose the miracle."

"Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all regrets, grievances, and resentments, and choose the miracle."

Now picture yourself. Imagine forgiving yourself. releasing guilt with each exhale. then open your heart to the universe...you will find it is loving.

[BruceChris]

But I have found it VERY THICK reading. There is a VASTLY more accessable Primer, called "A Return to Love", by Marianne Williamson. I read it over a dozen times. Most libraries have it, and your parents probably wouldn't object to it, unless they read it very carefully. Also, I've found that the "Course" is not of much use to me unless I've got a study group to meet with. -- But that's me. Scott has some good ideas here.

P&L, BC

[Zerbie]

It's all okay!!

Give yourself time to get used to what you've discovered about yourself. Wow - only 2 weeks ago. That might as well be 2 seconds ago.

Now, discovering deep inside that you are attracted to both males and females, that you are in essence of bisexual orientation, does not mean you have to tell anyone what you've discovered, nor does it mean you have to go out on dates or experiment sexually, nor does it mean you have to go get a rainbow flag and start flying it out your window. Just continue being you. This is information that touches on your deepest, most private self. You may wish to keep it private. If however, you have a transparent personality like I have, you may choose to allow the world to figure it out, and/or to tell people about your orientation if it seems important for some reason to let them know. Totally your choice.

You don't have to DO anything. Not a thing. Just keep being you. As you have discovered (also recently) there is a wealth of information out there to be had about the LGBT community. You may, or may not, choose to explore coming-out groups or support/social groups within that community.

"Lifestyle." That word again. Lemme ask you: how did your lifestyle change 2 weeks ago?? If you say it didn't change, then, there ya go. There is nothing to condemn if you haven't changed, is there? Unless you were to condemn yourself merely for having feelings (and we ALL have feelings, many of them FAR worse feelings than feelings of attraction.)

If I remember right, you are very young (17 or 18 or so). I hated hearing this when I was 20 but the folks that said it to me were correct - when we're young, we are still discovering our sexual/emotional selves. Don't be in a hurry to label yourself. Take your time figuring out who you are on ALL levels. When you fall in love really hard, head-spinning passion, with someone who feels the same for you, that's really all you need to know at that point. I didn't know the fullness of my bisexual orientation until that head-spinning passion happened to me with (a few years apart) a woman and then with a man. Er - am I making sense? What I'm trying (perhaps inarticulately) to say is, you aren't obligated to make any particular Next Step. Just keep being. Keep your inner sense of self private if you feel the need to protect your emerging selfhood.

Feel free to ask us anything, even if it seems weird. We want to support you any way we can. The big thing I hope to communicate to you now is to be gentle with yourself while you come to terms with the huge big MESS the world has made of human sexuality and our feelings. Take your time and just be.

:love: :pray:

[Daniel]

Roses open when the conditions for unfolding- warmth and light- are present.

May I tell a story here?

Years ago, before I even knew what I was doing, I found myself rummaging through bookstores looking through books on singing- I hardly knew what I was looking for. Fast forward a decade. I've now spent a great deal of time in libraries researching and am in the process of writing my own book. I've learned a lot because I let myself go with the flow to a certain extend. I learned to channel that original- one might say- intuitive interest into something concrete.

Why do I mention this? Because my sense is that sexuality, like everything else, has it's own intuitive pull, gravity, yearning towards concreteness and connection. One can either help things along in a loving way or in a fearful way. It all depends, in my opinion, on how self-aware one is.

Systems like A Course in Miracles, in my experience, lead one to be very self-aware. Why? Because it incorporates in its language and expression a good deal about the nature of perception itself. Not only that, it gives one the perfect 'out' in the first pages of text where it says that one doesn't have to believe a word of it! :lol:

I have found it to be very helpful.

You may not 'know' what you should do right now, but I bet this won't be an issue for long. There's no need to hurry. Taking things as they come will be fast enough I bet.

You don't have to be 'right' you know. But you can be happy. Do the things which bring you more of the latter. That shouldn't be so hard. Loving actions beget more loving actions.

[bryanf]

Honestly I suggest taking it slow too. Build yourself up a network. Actually that is what I am doing right now. I am planning on coming out, heck I even have a tentative date to hope to have things accomplished by, but steady is the course when it comes to these things. Go slow. As most of us had a hard time eventually coming to peace with it, the ones you are around also will need time most likely. Also make some friends. Be careful about meeting people online. And above all this is a perfect time to use logic and reason, and if you are a person of faith then it is also a time to allow yourself to be nourished by that.

B.Ryan.F.

[BruceChris]

it is about how you treat other people"

A theologian said that on public radio, I have come to believe it, and it pretty much falls in line with what the "Course" says. And that would make you and Zerbie, and a lot of other people here very religeous. I was just reading what you two were posting at the end of "Does the Bible.... -- I admire you both very much for the way you treat people.

The book "A Course in Miracles" seems to have become part of this thread. I would beg you to read "A Return to Love" first, if you possibly can. It is written in conversational English, it is 1/5th as long, and it is infinitely more accessable, from my experience. Of course, you don't have to read either.

Peace and Much Love, Bruce Chris :love: :love: :love: :love:

[RainbowL'elly]

i don't think anyone can give you a next step to go to here, hon- we can all just tell you what we did and you have to figure out what suits your situation best and do what your heart tells you is right- take our words to mind, hear what we did, and above all, don't just do something because one of us did it- you are in the process of discovering your soul-colours- take your time, enjoy it, and let yourself shine however you feel comfortable.

now that i've told you basically that you have to take your own road, here's what i did- take whatever you will from it.

when i finally decided to embrace the fact that i wasn't straight, most of my friends had already figured it out- i had one sister tell me that she picked it up right away from the way that i talked about things, the way that i acted around people of any sex/gender and the way that certain things did or didn't phase me. i told a few close friends at first, people i knew would love me no matter what and would understand that nothing had changed in me at all- i was still their crazy girl, i just had a new word to use to describe one more element of my personality. i told my mum and she told me that she was too- that was wicked. then i told my youngest gal- she's from a small town with a limited exposure to anything other than the straight/white/christian patriarchy of traditional america...but she is also a little rebel, so i figured that even if she was uncomfortable at first, she would be able to understand what was going on. bless her soul, she was a bit confused at first- i told her to fire away with the questions and i'd do my best to answer them as openly and honestly as possible- she knows that i didn't change- i didn't just wake up one morning and find keira knightly so increadably sexy- i just finally let that part of me wake up and walk into the daylight. it was a conscious decision not to hide anything. my unveiling was rather uneventful, i know.

what i can tell you is this- God commanded us to love others, right? if you are suddenly challenged with people asking you why you have had a paradigm shift, you can always tell them that you have finally heard fully God's command to love- love is patient, kind, and it does not judge (i am terrible at quoting the bible accurately- you probably know the corinthians chapter i'm referring to much better than i do!). you don't have to come out to everyone who asks you why when God's command to love everyone (including ourselves!) is so wonderfully there for you to place at the centre of your being and so apt to each and every one of us.

i hope something i said helps- my brain is a bit fuzzy right now and though what i said makes sense to me, i have no idea if it works for anyone else.

blessed be- hold that head of yours high and let your love-light shine!

[tdogg]

Hi Tink

I agree pretty much with what everyone else is saying - there is no rush on doing anything.

So, sit back, take a deep breath (maybe a few), and then go about living your life. It will all come to you in time. For now, enjoy all your feelings and emotions and go out there and live! Take some time to celebrate YOU and the YOU you have come to know. You are very special so celebrate that.

Best wishes in everything you do and thanks for sharing your news! :D :rainbow: :applause:

T

[Tinkerbell047]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you again. It has helped so much to know that I"m not alone, and to have people ready with stories and advice. So, thank you.

I have come out to a few people since I made this first post. My parents don't know, and can't. But, I first told my gay and bi friends because, of all people, I knew they would understand and be there for me. One even welcomed me "to the club" with a giant hug. Another is taking me out to coffee to "celebrate." Then to my best friend who said she'd known for years. I was amazed at that point that people knew. I had told no one and somehow they knew. Then, I had to come out to my boyfriend because I felt that he deserved to know. That was the hardest thing for me to do because he is a conservative Baptist, who, though he has a lot of gay, lesbian, and bi friends has told me he sees it as a sin. He was angry, hurt, and confused at first but I told him to just start talking, and to ask anything that came to mind. We talked through it, and he said that right now it doesn't change things because I"m still the same person.

Then he called me today, and I don't know how to deal with what he said. I feel almost like he's deciding this to make things easier on me. He told me this morning that he might be bi too. How can I know if he really feels this way or if hes saying this to make things easier on me? I"m so confused by him because just a week ago he was a total homophobe, "friend from afar" as he described himself and his relationships with gays and lesbians. Could it really be that my courage to tell him has allowed him to be honest with himself, and how can I know?

-Tink

[Zerbie]

I was amazed at that point that people knew. I had told no one and somehow they knew. Then, I had to come out to my boyfriend because I felt that he deserved to know. That was the hardest thing for me to do because he is a conservative Baptist, who, though he has a lot of gay, lesbian, and bi friends has told me he sees it as a sin. He was angry, hurt, and confused at first but I told him to just start talking, and to ask anything that came to mind. We talked through it, and he said that right now it doesn't change things because I"m still the same person.

Then he called me today, and I don't know how to deal with what he said. I feel almost like he's deciding this to make things easier on me. He told me this morning that he might be bi too. How can I know if he really feels this way or if hes saying this to make things easier on me? I"m so confused by him because just a week ago he was a total homophobe, "friend from afar" as he described himself and his relationships with gays and lesbians. Could it really be that my courage to tell him has allowed him to be honest with himself, and how can I know?

-Tink

Tink he may not be sure himself. Tell him what's on your mind and when you have questions about his experience, ask HIM. Not us. We don't know him. I will tell you that it's very normal for gay/bi people to be very homophobic as well - a way of telling themselves they're *not* gay, because they don't want to know/accept that they are. I'll also say that queerfolk do tend to find one another. My entire set of high school buddies, with perhaps ONE exception, turned out to be all gay/bi. In high school, we all interdated with one another all 4 years, experimenting (but always opposite sex dates in those days). It was college and later when our bunch finally all came out. what stands out in memory is how we all somehow *found* one another back when we didn't know we were gay/bi ourselves. But we all found a dozen other gay/bi kids we were inseparable with.

I've had the experience too of people just 'knowing.' Not often, since most people are thinking in terms of either gay OR straight. But a few people guessed right away that I'm bi, and many others picked up on "mixed signals" from me and some people asked.

Go slow Tink. Give yourself time to figure out what this means to you. Give your boyfriend time as well. As you know, it can be scary. Be there for each other. Take plenty of breaks from the heavy stuff and just sit down with popcorn and a movie sometimes, 'k?

[Tinkerbell047]

Tink he may not be sure himself. Tell him what's on your mind and when you have questions about his experience, ask HIM. Not us. We don't know him. I will tell you that it's very normal for gay/bi people to be very homophobic as well - a way of telling themselves they're *not* gay, because they don't want to know/accept that they are.

Go slow Tink. Give yourself time to figure out what this means to you. Give your boyfriend time as well. As you know, it can be scary. Be there for each other. Take plenty of breaks from the heavy stuff and just sit down with popcorn and a movie sometimes, 'k?

You're right, Zerbie, I do need to go to him. I need to talk it out with him. I should understand the homophobic thing, because I was there last year. It's just so much harder than I thought it would be, especially with him because he didn't break up with me. I knew he was going to and had prepared myself for it, and he threw me for a loop.

Going slow... watch a movie. Wow, that sounds so easy, but life seems to be going a million miles an hour right now. It almost seems like the days are running together, where one starts and another ends can be hard to define. It's been like this for a past few weeks.

I think it's time to just chill out and just be me for a while, not deal with anything else because, even though my friends are seeing a different part of me and I"m accepting it too, I"m still just the same person I have been my whole life.

-Tink

[scott snedeker]

Tink, he may be calling you because you had the courage to come out before he did.

This is an opportunity for the two of you to grow together. To be real for the first time and support each other. I think it may turn out to be a beautiful thing.

Facing the world together as special friends, Allies against homophobia.

I' bet he's gay and sees you as the only friend he can share that with. You are his lifeline. And He would be honored to be yours.


I think the two of you will share some very special growing experiences together.

[BrianB]

Jeff and Patti Ellis are christian parents of a gay son. It was a process for them to accept that their son likes other guys. They struggled and fought against it but they finally accepted their son for who he is. You may want to look at their web site http://www.familyacceptance.com. It may give you an idea of what to expect when you decide the time is right to tell your parents.

Right now I would just read different things about being glbt and christian.

[alisaeyes]

I also agree with these guys and girls...its still going to be a battle sometimes...telling your family {if you choose to} will be the hardest...I am still fighting my own battle, and sometimes I just want to put my head in a hole in the sand ..but I know I cant do that, so I pick my head back up and I tried to move a little closer to my goal of coming out ...

[Jennifer5]

I think that others are right... this could end up actually being better then you imagined... this guy could end up being the best friend a person could ever ask for:)

Be you!


:love:(((hugs))):love:

[u-dog]

SO Tink, how did that conversation with your ex-boyfriend go? We would be interested in hearing.

[Tinkerbell047]

Just a few days after that conversation (about him being maybe bi), he was actually arrested for sexual battery. That was interesting. After that, I tried to kind of shy away from him. He had said and done (and pushed for) things that I was not comfortable with doing, and refused to do. That angered him. After the arrest, and him pleading guilty to the charges, i broke up with him. However, I thought we could remain friends... that didn't work. My parents didn't like him, and forbade me from seeing him. So, I decided that he needed a friend and I kept talking to him on the phone. He didn't quite get the message that nothing was going to happen again between us. During this time he also decided he's not bi.

A few weeks later, I went with my friends to a local Anime Convention (yeah, I'm a geek) and, lo and behold, he was there. He had become something of a stalker, constantly calling me and not taking the hint that I didn't want to see him that weekend at the convention. He was volunteering, so when my friends and I were walking into an event, he was at the door checking for passes. When he saw me he followed me into the event to talk to me. I quickly got rid of him, but was a basket case through the concert...anyone there can vouch for that... I was visibly shaking. After it, I found him again to finally tell him that i didn't want to see him, and explain that we weren't going to get back together, and that I really wanted him to leave me alone.. (Between the time I had come out as bi, and the convention I realized that I'm not bisexual but lesbian.) So, I told him it wasn't going to work, and that I'm a lesbian. He asked me why it mattered, and said that he didn't care that I liked both genders, so I explained the definition of "lesbian" to him. He left, and later told me that he had cried for an hour after that. After that it took another two months for him to catch on. My friends who I went with and I still joke about how creepy he was for the weekend... just randomly popping up to say hi.. once even making a derogatory remark about gays to my friend I was with when my friend refused to do a hand jive with him... he thought a girl I had been introduced to by my friends was my girl friend because we were walking around the hotel together. She, too, is a lesbian, but the assumption was wrong.

So, two months after the convention, I haven't spoken to him in about a month. He has finally taken the hint and left me alone. It went better than I expected in some ways, and worse in others. Overall, I'm glad that it's over, and glad for the amazing friends who supported me in dealing with him. Strangely enough, they are/were all gay or bi! Go figure.

-Tink

[Jennifer5]

Wow... creepy and amazing story...


I'm glad things are working out for you and that he's leaving you alone now.:love:

[u-dog]

Good Tink! sounds you like you are well out of that mess. Glad your friends were there for you.