Introduction and prayer request please...

[jtogle]

Hello everyone! My name is Jan. I'm a 31 year old christian lesbian living in limbo at the moment. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll have my own place again but right now I'm living out of my suitcase between friend's & family homes and 1 night in a hotel. My partner of 2 years broke up with me. I lost my home, my lover & best friend,my kids (there were really HER kids but I got real attached to them), my life. I can't blame her for doing this however. I have a LOT of issues from my childhood & because of my untreated wounds I hurt her a great deal. When she broke up with me I was a little bit relieved to be honest. Knowing that I couldn't hurt her anymore felt good. I hurt her by lying (about stupid stuff most of the time, other times not so stupid), and manipulating her to just to name a couple. I was able to overcome the lying with therapy but not before I had killed what love she once felt for me. A few days after we broke up we went to our new counselors office to try and tie up loose ends. As we sat there in the counselors office going over last minute details the counselor gave me a diagnosis- Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything around me slowed in my mind to a crawl. To meet me you would think I had it all together! When I told most of my family & friends this, there were all like "WHAT!?" But it's true. I do have this and now I have to pick up the pieces of what's left of my life and move on. I have to work on these wounds that are as deep as my 31 year old life is. I have to find a place to lay my head at night and call MY home. I know I can get healthy but only after years of constant therapy and thats OK. Because I have hope. I have hope that I'll be an awesome healthy person that doesn't hurt the ones I love the most.

Right now the hardest part is not having other GLBT's to talk to. I'm originally from a very small town in Southwest VA. Only 1 brother and his wife knows about me being a lesbian. This is mainly because the rest of my family is of the penecostal belief and hates (yes hates) homosexuals. I know in order to be true to myself I'll have to tell my entire family eventually. But right now my Dad has lung cancer and every day is touch and go with him. Most days are good but the last week has been hard for him.

I know things will get better. Right now it's just hard with the weight of the world on my heart. Please pray for me and for my ex.

Thanks for listening,
Jan

[jtogle]

Is there a way to change my screen name to something other than jtogle? This reflects a combination of my last name and my ex's last name.

[u-dog]

Jan,

Thanks for trusting us enough to share so much of yourself. The breakup of a relationship, the loss of children, a hard to hear diagnosis, loss of a home, the terminal illness of one's parent... any one of these would be enough to lay most people out. You must be a very strong person! That you have hope and a sense of your future unfolding is quite remarkable. Know that you will be in many of our prayers this week. Know that God already knows how things are with you and loves you the way you are.

Learning to live creatively and lovingly and effectively with a Borderline Personality Disorder will take much courage, commitment, patience, determination and self-awareness on your part, but it sounds like you have those qualities. All those wounds will need to be examined, perhaps reopened, and allowed to heal again properly... that is not easy. Continue with your therapy and God Bless you! One step at a time... one day at a time!
:love: :pray:
Dave

[jtogle]

Thank you for your encouraging, sweet, uplifting response u-dog! Right now I feel anything but remarkable. I feel as if I'm damaged goods, tainted, contaminated. But I know in time I can be lovable. I'm trying to love myself right now. I know God has a plan for me. Some days are just hard to accept that when you feel as if you are in the trenches of life.

I had a dream the other night that Jesus was holding me as I lay in his arms sobbing. He was stroking my hair saying to me "everything is going to be ok, everything IS going to be ok."

I take comfort in that dream. :)

[andrewlittle]

Thank you for your encouraging, sweet, uplifting response u-dog! Right now I feel anything but remarkable. I feel as if I'm damaged goods, tainted, contaminated. But I know in time I can be lovable. I'm trying to love myself right now. I know God has a plan for me. Some days are just hard to accept that when you feel as if you are in the trenches of life.

I had a dream the other night that Jesus was holding me as I lay in his arms sobbing. He was stroking my hair saying to me "everything is going to be ok, everything IS going to be ok."

I take comfort in that dream. :)

Beautiful dream - try to remember it when you are down on yourself.

I also hold you in prayer as you progress on your journey to uncovering the beauty and image of God that resides within you. Your courage is wondrous - even though you will probaly feel that same courage wain from time to time. If we can help when you are feeling at the low ebbs, please let us know.

You seem to be familiar with many of the symptoms and consequences of BPD. That knowledge gives you some power. Of course, there will be times when it seems to be inadequate - just not enough - and you feel rejected and alone. This can be a very safe place to come when that happens. Please do.

On these boards you'll find all kinds of folks, and get all kinds of responses. One thing I have noticed is that there is a concerted effort, when commenting on or criticizing a post, to differentiate between the post and the poster. For some of us, as I suspect may be true for you, that differentiation escapes us at first. I would encourage to seek more explanation if you feel you have been slighted, because I truly doubt that would be the intention.

I look forward to hearing your voice (okay, seeing your words) in the time to come. Please feel welcomed and encouraged.

And hold onto that dream - it is a beautiful image befitting an equally beautiful child of God.

Andy

[Zerbie]

Seconding what the others have said, wow!!! You have remarkable courage to get through all of that, face it - which you ARE doing - and have such hope and ability to reach out and dream/plan for a better future.

That determination is what will get you there. Trust me. I had a childhood that was just terrible and the past controlled me for a while because I was unaware of it. You are aware of your past, and of your condition, and as Andy says, yes that gives you power! Sure, there are going to be plenty of times when you feel like *you* got tainted and aren't living up to some expectation, that's par for the course. But they will come less and less often and be shorter and shorter. You know that the bad things that happened in your childhood were not your fault (even if someone wrongly told you so:mad: ). Now you have the opportunity to develop coping skills and to learn how better to relate to loved ones in relationship, and with that everything will get better from here.

For the immediate moment you need a safe space, a safe home where you can retreat. Let that be your first priority. Safe space includes two things: physical safety AND emotional safety. You can find the second part of the equation here on the forum 98% of the time.

Once you have that safe space then you can begin to really heal - and your spirit is tremendously strong. Given 1/100th of a chance, it WILL heal. Imagine if you put yourself in a safe space and devote all your energy to healing. You are resilient. Learn what you can about dealing with your condition and if you find a coping skill that works to really improve your relationships or your life in some way, keep practicing it!! Things really do get better.

Oh hey - I know that U-dog changed his screenname. I don't know how, but if you ask him, I'm sure he can talk you through the process.

Once again, welcome. :pray: :love: :pray:

[u-dog]

re-registered under a new name and deleted my posts under my old name. I suppose one of the mods could "kick-out" my old ID but they haven't so far.

Do it now before everybody gets to know you as jtogle.

[andrewlittle]

re-registered under a new name and deleted my posts under my old name. I suppose one of the mods could "kick-out" my old ID but they haven't so far.

Do it now before everybody gets to know you as jtogle.

Also, if you do that - re-register under a new name - you can copy the text of your post(s) and repost them under you new screen name (if you'd like to).

Of course, you could also PM Jamie (Jamie McDaniel), Steve (keltic63) or Nate (NathanATX) to see if there's an easier way.

[Jan]

Thanks everyone for your help! I have created a new screen name for myself. Simply... Jan. I thought what more fitting than to peel away all the facades and simply be myself.

I can't say thank you enough to everyone that has replied and is praying for me. (Please don't forget to pray for my ex...) I can honestly feel the strength as I sit here and type these words.

Your words of comfort, acclamation, understanding and much much more has touched me in a way that I can't fully describe. It's good though! ;)

May love and peace touch you all today!

I'm in search of finding my own place as I have stated before. Right now I'm waiting to hear back from an interview I had yesterday. If I get that job, then I will live in that town. Even though that town is a small NC town but I have several friends (straight) there that support me in my life and who I choose to love. However this small town is only about 45 mins to an hour away from where I used to live with my ex. I absolutely LOVE that city but I need to heal first before I can live there again *I think*. I'm thinking in about 6 mo. to a year I can move back there and either commute, which I have done anyway or find a new job in that city. That is my plan for now. I reserve the right to change my mind as needed. ;) I say that b/c each day brings a new perspective.

I'm going to be living by myself for the first time in my life. I'm anxious about that but at the same time I'm excited. I'm anxious mostly b/c I don't have a lot of things. I'll have to go buy pretty much everything but I'll start with the mandatory items first and then move on to the not so mandatory. The good thing is IF I get this job, I'll be making more money than I am now.

The fact of the matter of today is I miss my best friend. My ex and I were SO close. She was the best friend I have ever had before. We always had such a great time together no matter where we were or what we were doing. I miss that so so much. But thank God I have new friends in all of you to share my ups and downs with. God is good!

Happy Saint Patty's Day on a different note! Anyone doing anything fun tonight? I think I'm going out with a few friends but nothing major. I have red hair but not sure how much of my background is Irish. Yet tonight I'm going to claim it anyway! hehe...

Thank you all once again!

Peace and love,
Jan

[Pablo Rafael]

Jan,

Thanks for coming into our group. Though I can't be of any help to you in the troubles you are going through, I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. When life seems to have gone to pieces, it is good to know that God can make some really great works of art from pieces.

I think that many of us appear to have everything together when there is turmoil that those outside can't see. I know that often I appear to have eveything ordered perfectly in my life, but if people could see the inner disorder, they would think differently about me. Maybe everybody is somewhat this way? As a Christian I believe all of us are "damaged goods". That is why the grace of God is so amazing. God's love extends to all no matter what the situation. God takes all the "damage" and makes us His loved forgiven children.

I know how it is to live in a small town with no LGBT presence. I live outside a town with a population of 350. The social connections are quite limited. Please feel free to join in our discussions. There are some awesome people in these forums. They are some of the best people you could meet.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Jan]

I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone for your wonderful support and kind words. Every day brings a new perspective and new healing. I know God has a plan for me. I keep trying to hold on to that.

Thanks again everyone!

[BruceChris]

I want to offer you my prayers, and all of the support I can. I am sure that there are many others here who will (and have!) offered many good things to you. I suspect that in your present circumstances, internet access may be a bit iffy for the indefinite future. Still, I hope to see your postings now and then. :agree: :weee:

Always remember,
God loves you, we love you, and God Still loves you. :love: - Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[tdogg]

Hi Jan and welcome to the forums! Glad you are here. Sorry for the hard times you are having right now - it is so sad and difficult to break up with someone especially when you have been so close. You will get through it girl. You really have a great advantage in knowing so much about yourself. Good for you! I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and of course prayers. Please stick around and share with us. And yes, when you need a hug, come on over and get a few! :love: :pray:

Tdogg