Hello from Perth, Australia

[astroiscool]

Hiya everyone,

Been reading posts for the last couple of days and thought I would write one myself. For my own self-care I'm thinking its important for me to be connecting with other gay Christians.

I've just come out to my wife as being gay about 2 weeks ago. Before we got married she knew I had been sexually abused as a kid, and that I was same-sex attracted. We both believed that I would work through the issues and that I could be a happy hetrosexual husband. 5 years on, so much of the trauma of the sexual abuse has left me, but my same sex attraction remains. I don't think it needs to be "cured" anymore.

My wife has been very understanding, but we have decided to seperate. It is very very hard. And how I wish I was straight to stay with her.... but then how much relief I felt at being able to finally own this part of myself...

I have told my brother. (He always thought I was gay, so was fine with it) and my best mate, who is quite conservative in his christian beliefs. But he said that he would always be my friend, and he knows I know all about the Bible and God, and wouldn't have make this decision lightly. He said he knows I need his support now, not a constructed arguement. That surprised me... what a good mate !

I would really appreciate some messages of support 'cos I'm really doing it tough at the moment. But think I will be ok (better than ok) in the long run.

It's hard to give up dreams of a wife and kids in a house in the suburbs. And to consider being a divorcee at the age of 28.

Have other people had sexual abuse in their stories, and they've been really confused about it in relation to their sexuality ??

Does anyone know of any groups in australia that are supportive. I'd like to be able to talk to some gay Christian people about this... I'm just a bit worried if I talk to just gay ppl, I'll get a lot of flack for being "christian" (which is justified 'cos of what the church has done to GLBT peoples, but its not what I need right now) and if I talk to just christians... well... I'm going to get a bit of judgement there too I recon....

*phew*

Kinda nice to get all that out !
I'm so glad I found this web site ! Thank God for Google ! *grin*

Astroiscool

[Zerbie]

Hi Astro,

Welcome. :love:

It sounds like you have great friends and a lot of loving caring people in your life. You are courageous to share with them, and they obviously deserve your trust.

I think things will be much better than okay. I wish you a wonderful future. :dove:

I don't have personal experience with sexual abuse, but dealt with trauma of a very different kind, so can relate to the struggles of overcoming trauma. I have both read and heard from friends who've been there that childhood sexual abuse lends layers of complexity to adult understanding of our sexuality - complexity which becomes all the more layered when one is LGB or T. I know that for me, coming to terms with a bisexual orientation (or as I experience it, with not HAVING an orientation) was overly complicated because the other trauma I experienced clouded over my self-awareness.

It sounds like you have a strong sense of who you are. You sound like you're in a very good place, actually, as stressful as it must be to go through such significant changes and to give up on a dream of how your life would be. But I believe you can realize that dream in a way that is more appropriate to you and your orientation - you may meet a partner in future and have that home in the suburbs. And kids, too.

Afraid I can't help you find resources in Australia - but I'm sure they're there. Keep googling. Meanwhile, perhaps a neighbor of yours will post with a recommendation or two.

Glad you are here.

[andrewlittle]

5 years on, so much of the trauma of the sexual abuse has left me, but my same sex attraction remains. I don't think it needs to be "cured" anymore.

My wife has been very understanding, but we have decided to seperate. It is very very hard. And how I wish I was straight to stay with her.... but then how much relief I felt at being able to finally own this part of myself...

I have told my brother. (He always thought I was gay, so was fine with it) and my best mate, who is quite conservative in his christian beliefs. But he said that he would always be my friend, and he knows I know all about the Bible and God, and wouldn't have make this decision lightly. He said he knows I need his support now, not a constructed arguement. That surprised me... what a good mate !

Good wife (sorry for the separation), good brother, good mate - praise God from whom all blessings flow. Your immediate family and friends have obviously recognized the anguish and courage that has accompanied your journey of self-discovery, not without varying degrees of difficulty I'm sure.

There are others on this board who have been, or are, in similar situations. Perhaps in the next day or two you'll hear from them. I have been divorced, which has its own pain and torment, but have not had the issue of sexuality accompanying it. I can only begin to appreciate the added stress and emotional toll it must take. You will be in my prayers.

I would really appreciate some messages of support 'cos I'm really doing it tough at the moment. But think I will be ok (better than ok) in the long run.
In what ways "doing it tough"? I realize that may be slang that I'm out of touch with, but are you okay in other ways - work, place to live, etc?

It's hard to give up dreams of a wife and kids in a house in the suburbs. And to consider being a divorcee at the age of 28.
Yes, indeed it is. But life is a long way from being over. The path may be very rocky, but the quest for self-discovery of the person that God made you will also be exciting and fulfilling, after the shock and tension subsides. There will be some ups and downs in the next few weeks/months, as I am very sure you are aware, but there will also be joys that may now be unimaginable.

Have other people had sexual abuse in their stories, and they've been really confused about it in relation to their sexuality ??
You will find many, I am sure. You will also find an openness about sharing stories with you, and embracing you in love.

Does anyone know of any groups in australia that are supportive. I'd like to be able to talk to some gay Christian people about this... I'm just a bit worried if I talk to just gay ppl, I'll get a lot of flack for being "christian" (which is justified 'cos of what the church has done to GLBT peoples, but its not what I need right now) and if I talk to just christians... well... I'm going to get a bit of judgement there too I recon....

I can check with my brother in Melbourne, and my mum and sister in Bundaberg, to see if they are aware of any national groups. Have you checked into any Uniting Church locations. I know there is a battle raging within the denomination, but there are many GLBT-friendly, and even affirming, churches.

In the meantime, check out more threads and posts, and feel free to make contact with any folks with whom you find some resonance in their writing. We're all a little dotty here, but we're safe - well, mostly.

[Pablo Rafael]

Hi Astroiscool,

When I hear "Astro" I think of the dog on The Jetsons. Any connection with your name? The Jetsons was my favourite cartoon when I was a kid back in the 60's. (Not that I'm old enough to remember the sixties; I mean I've...ahem..heard of the sixties.)

I am glad to hear that you have an optomistic attitude as you deal with some difficulties. I pray that your faith will help you as things settle out. I know your concern about being gay and Christian. Christians are often very hostile to gays, and gays can be suspicious of Christians. I think we are at a watershed now when the divide between Christians and gays is starting to be bridged. I think a time of understanding is about to dawn. Those of us in both worlds are key instruments of that change. (I'm waxing poetic here for some reason, must be the sunset.)

I don't remember anyone metioning sexual abuse since I have been here. I haven't experienced that in my past but was in a home with an abusive father. It was more emotional abuse, though there was some physical abuse. My dad and I did manage to patch things up before he died, but there are still scars that remain.

It is good to hear from someone in Australia, about as far from us in North America as one can get. I have always been interested in Perth since it is the most isolated large city in the world. Someday I will have to get on a plane and take the very long flight there.

Welcome. Please share more of your thoughts with us.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[keltic63]

welcome astro!

I was in a straight marriage for 17 years, hoping it would change things. it didn't. at age 28, you're way ahead of the game. It does indeed improve, and there's no need to think that you have to give up on the idea of a family and a home!
I have my own 3 biological kids from my straight marriage; my partner has 4 boys from his straight marriage. We recently bought a house, and see our children very often. I believe it's possible for you to find a partner and start a family.....of course, it won't be traditional, but now that you've acknowledged who you are and have begun the coming out process, many things won't be traditional for you.

feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

Steve

[scott snedeker]

glad to get to meet you!

The heart of Innocence, is a term that in my spirituality that refers to the natural, primal, sexual, and innocent state of the soul.

Your gay soul is God-given gift. He intends for you to follow your heart to the path of joy. To do otherwise disconnects you from you inner being. You honor him by living true to your nature.

You are venturing on a journey of self discovery, of connecting to the unconditional love of self.......Your Heart of Innocence

[tdogg]

hi there Astroiscool! Glad you found the SF forums! I believe you will like it here very much, and find many caring compassionate friends. Keltic is right, you are way ahead of the game at 28 years. I FINALLY came out to myself just a few years ago and I'm 47 now. I was with my ex (a man) for nearly 18 years. However, I found myself attracted to women, sexually and emotionally as early as my high school years. I was raised pentecostal, so coming out was never an option while young. Anyway, sounds like you are making the first steps to accept and love yourself and while some of it will hurt, it's so worth it.

So, welcome, stay around and share some more! Much luck and blessings to you on your life's journey.

Tdogg

[astroiscool]

I just wanna spend some time thanking you guys for your responses !

Zerbie: Thanks for the support and encouragement, I believe it when you say that I'll be better then ok... 'cos it sounds like you've been there and come through it yourself with your own trauma..

Andrew Little: Thanks for praying for me ! When I say "doing it tough" I mean ... its a battle, its exhausing, its new terrian and I'm not sure exactly where I'm going... and I feel alone 'cos I don't know anyone who's been somewhere similar... I'd appreciate any links you find out about from your brother in Melbourne... and thanks for taking the time to ask him for me !

Pablo: Hahah... Astro refers to Astroboy, my favourite childhood hero... just above Transformers. People tell me Astroboy is a gay icon ? I have no idea why... has anyone else heard of this ?? Thanks for the welcome.... and sense of humour... Yes... Perth is the most isolated city in the world... and in some ways I like that... its a secluded peice of paradise I recon... (not that I'm biased or anything)

Keltic63: I'm right in the middle of breaking up my .... well I can't continue in my marriage at any rate... its great to hear from someone who has been through what I'm going through and has gotten through the other side... I'd be keen to hear more of your story... I think it'd give me hope when I feel like there might me no light at the end of the tunnel..

Scott Snedeker: I think I'm just starting to grasp how my homosexuality is an important and sacred part of myself... that I've been pushing down, repressing and trying to "cure" .... It's funny how much relief I felt when I finally said outloud "I am gay"

Tdogg: Thanks for your comments.... when I get down and start wishing things could be different... I keen telling myself that I made the best decision at the time with the information, support and insight I had... and for a long time that decision was that I wasn't gay.... I'm glad that things have changed for me now that I can really see things and own things for myelf now... How was it for you when you came out to your husband.. ?? How did you start telling people ??

Thanks again everyone.... I'm so very glad I found this site !!

[scott snedeker]

If saying out loud that you are gay feels good then you have more to say!

Say it out loud some more!

[tdogg]

Hi Astro!

First, there is no feeling like finally coming out to yourself and family - a HUGE burden lifted!!

I left my husband about 3 years prior to finally coming out. My acceptance of myself included a means to see some reasons why I was so unhappy with him and being married. The relationship was not healthy for either of us, and more so because of who I am. We remained friends tho, and on one visit I did finally come out because I needed him to cease sudden visits and calls while i was beginning a new relationship. I felt he deserved to know about this part of me also. He took it pretty hard. He's really progressed personally and possibly emotionally since. A brief encounter happened last fall and my partner and my ex met in person. It was very amicable (she is nothing less than the most kind and considerate person I know) and he was very impressed with her as a person. We occasionally talk and he is now expressing a curiosity about how we got together and more about my being a lesbian. We really don't much to do with each other than an occasional phone conversation. By the way, just for the record when i said we remained friends it was exactly that 'friends'. We were always excellent friends, but very poor lovers.

I first came out to one sister and a few of my friends - the main reaction was DUH! My sister met her soon after we began dating. She has really gotten to know my partner and we are all close. My other sister handled the news well but wants nothing to do with it. When I came out to various people, if I felt it could be a less than positive experience, it did make me a little nervous. Especially with my stepmom, I knew exactly how she would react. Her initial reaction was quite loving, but it has evolved into her not wanting much to do with me and me not feeling up to pushing it. My dad has met my partner a couple times and really seems to like her. But he is a stroke victim with some difficult understand and much difficulting communicating, so i'm really not sure how much he understands. My stepmom and Dad (mostly stepmom) is very fundamentally religious (pentecostal). I also have an aunt I was very close to and while the initial coming out wasn't too bad, over the course of 2 years and numerous communcations, we no longer talk.

For the most part, it's been really easy and I'm very open about my being a lesbian and my relationship. It's great to work for CA state gov't, I'm totally open and have a great group of employees who seem to have no problems with it at all. It's awesome.