Hey My Name is Scott

[sjbouza]

Hello Everyone,

My name is Scott and I am a 38 year old gay man. I grew up in a Christian family but never felt like I could be a Christian. I always felt like an outcast from the church because of what I was. How could god love me? I was pounded by the abomination of homosexuality left and right, so how could I be a Christian and gay too. I didnt think it was possible. I found myself distancing myself from the church and eventually from God too. My life took so many turns most of them bad, but I always landed on my feet. Looking back now I know it was God's hand in my life picking me right back up. Even though I left Him, I dont think He ever left me.

It wasnt until I found this site and started reading and watching some of the videos that I started to feel a connection again to God. I found that I can be a gay Christian and God loves me no matter who I love. I cannot describe the feeling that came over me as I read and watched. It was like a weight was taken off of me. A freedom that I have never felt before in my life.

It wasnt until recently, within the last couple of years that I have really come out. I am out to most people but not to my family as of yet. That I am still working on. If there is anyone out there that can give me some advice or encouragment on that subject, please feel free to contact me, PLEASE. I want to finally put that part of my life to rest too. To finally get that burden off my chest too. That is the final hurdle in my life, to come out to my family. I know now that with God's love and strength it is only a matter of time before I can do that very thing. :pray:

I grew up a pretty normal kid. The usual things in life, other than from a very young age (now that I look back on it that is) I knew deep inside that I wasnt like the other boys. I had "feelings" for boys that I didnt have for girls. At the time I didnt know what those feelings were, I just knew that I liked boys more than I liked girls. At the age when all the other boys were running around trying to kiss the girls, I wanted to run around a kiss the boys. Although I never did attempt it, I so wanted to. It wasnt until I got into my teens that I realized what those feelings were. It hit me one day. I remember the words in my head so vividly..."I am a fag!!!" I cried, I didnt want to be that way. I was taught for years that it was disgusting and God "hates fags". Now I was one of the very things that God hated, what can I do?

So I did what any other person in my situation would do, or thought that they would do...I hid it deep inside. I tried to bury those awful feelings I had for boys deep, deep, deep inside. I did the usual "normal" things, girlfriends joke about gays with my friends, while all the while inside I knew I was lying not only to myself but to everyone else. It began to eat me up inside. I was my own tormentor. I just wanted to be free to be who I was, but I knew I couldnt because it wasnt right. Many years went on and I joined the military, "maybe that will help straighten me out, so to speak". Yea I tried to convice myself of that lie too. After a failed military career I went to college, where I met my first boyfriend. That was the first time in my life that I could let myself truly come out. We kept our relationship a secret, but the rumors flew non the less. But there was still something missing. I didnt feel that deep fullness, and I knew that it was because I didnt have God too.

Now flash to the not so distant past, within the last 2 years. I started on the internet by creating a website on MySpace where I could be me without people knowing who I really was. Call it an experiment in coming out. For the most part things went really well. People accepted me for who I was and other than the few here and there that would spurt the comments, everything was fine. Then it happened, a co worker found my page and started asking me questions in front of everyone at work. "Oh here we go," I thought. But I just answered them like they were asking me the time of day and you know what, pretty much nothing has changed. Everyone has accepted me for who I am. I think it really helped that I have known most of these people for almost 3 to 6 years. Now I can laugh and joke and tell people about my wonderful boyfriend.

Oh yea, there has been one of the big supporters in my life for the past almost 2 years now. He has helped me with encouragement time and time again. I cannot find the words to thank him for that. I love my boyfriend deeply. Currently we live about 900 miles away from each other. However, for the past going on 2 years we have talked on the phone or the net every single night. Thank you God for unlimited long distance...lol Seriously, Through thick and thin he has been with me and we have been there for one another. I figure if we have made it this long with a long distance relationship, we will make the long haul of life together. Unfortunately it will be another year or two before we can be together due to our job situations. But we are willing to tough it out together.

Now this brings me to this website. I have learned so much and been filled with a renewal of hope in Christ, I cant put it into words. All the years of running from God because I thought he hated who I was, I no longer have to do that. I can be who I am and God loves me. I am not a sinner in his eyes, I am one of his children again. I can once again feel His presence and stand before Him and declare my faith in Christ. PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!

Just a little note to Dr White. If someone would pass it on to him if they ever read this and can. Thank you sir. I sit now at this computer in tears. Not tears of sorrow or pain but tears of joy and happiness. Happiness that you have helped me find again through Christ. You have helped me to see that it isnt about who I love, but about my love for God and His Word. Thank you so much. If I ever met you a huge hug is going to be place about your neck. You have helped set me free and brought me back to God. A God that I thought could never love a person like me because I was an "abomination" to Him. Thank you...thank you...thank you from the bottom of my heart. May God continue to bless and keep you and your family.

With love in Christ,
Scott

Well that is about it in a nutshell. I will warn you that I can get rather lengthy when it comes to writing. But I usually have a point in my writings somewhere. To all of you out there, keep the faith alive in yourself and fight for what we know is right. Give a loving hand to those in need, no matter if they slap you in the face later. God sees the intension and that is what matters.

Peace, love, and blessings to all:weee:

ps. please feel free to leave me messages as well as comments. I am looking for help in coming out to my family and have posted a thread in the "Community Chat" forum about it.

[keltic63]

WOW, Scott, what a story. Thanks for sharing it with us.

I'd like to be able to tell you that if you come out to your family, that everything will be just fine. I know it was for me, but that isn't the case with everyone here. at some point, you'll know the right time, and you'll know exactly what to say.

hang out and post some more! we'd love to hear what you have to say.

Steve

[dsdrane]

A very heartfelt welcome, Scott. You will find a great deal of support and advice here. I'm very glad that God guided you to this site and that, like the rest of us, you are a survivor.

:agree:

[andrewlittle]

On another thread there is a discussion about heaven and hell. I think I'll send them over to read your post. To me it's the perfect example of being trapped in hell, until finding the door that God had provided all along - your own sense of being authentic to who you are. God bless you on your journey.

Oh, yeah, and welcome to Soulforce.

Andy

[u-dog]

Hi scott,

Welcome to soulforce and Welcome back to the place you never really left... God's embrace. Now you can come before God without shame and without pretence.

One of the regulars here on Soulforce forums is the person who reads and sorts Mel's mail and e-mail and he even lurks on the forums once in a while so rest assured that your message of gratitude will reach him one way or another. It won't be the first time he has heard those words -- his book has touched many, many people's lives.

God bless and welcome!

Dave

[Pablo Rafael]

Scott,

Thanks so much for telling us your story. It has moved me deeply. Change a few situations, names and places and I could use it as my own. I remember the day when, after years of fighting and denial, that I finally admitted that I was gay. It was in one instant that I finally realized that, and in the same instant I realized that I had known it for decades.

It was after reading Stranger at the Gatethat I first began to realize that it was OK to be both Christian and gay. What a joy that realization is.

I look forward to hearing more from you. (Even lengthy posts) :D I have a rule when I write, four paragraphs maximum. However, I seem to stretch that rule quite often.

Welcome and God's blessings to you always.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Diane Vera]

My name is Scott and I am a 38 year old gay man. I grew up in a Christian family but never felt like I could be a Christian.

What kind of Christianity were you brought up with? What denomination or type of church did your parents attend? Were your parents very religious?

It wasnt until recently, within the last couple of years that I have really come out. I am out to most people but not to my family as of yet. That I am still working on. If there is anyone out there that can give me some advice or encouragment on that subject, please feel free to contact me, PLEASE. I want to finally put that part of my life to rest too. To finally get that burden off my chest too. That is the final hurdle in my life, to come out to my family.

If you'd like people here to be able to give you some useful advice, it would be helpful if you could tell us a little bit about what your family is like, both religiously and personalitywise. For example, are your parents the kind of people who can talk out disagreements reasonably, or do they tend to take all disagreements personally? If they have voiced homophobic attitudes in the past, how deeply entrenched do you think those attitudes are?

[Zerbie]

Hi Scott,

Just found this intro. I rambled on a bit on your other thread. :p

Your words touched me and made me cry with joy that you've made it through and all that anguish is over. I want to send you some hugs.
:love: :love: :love:

Also - I think you're right if you can make the long-distance thing work successfully, you've got the makings of a very solid relationship. My husband I dated from about 1500 miles away for about 9 months. I hear ya about the long distance minutes!!! I finally had to move - it was cheaper than the weekend airfare tickets.

[Daniel]

Scott,

A hearty welcome to you!

Your post made me remember what it was like to come out. One is flush with all sorts of feelings- none the least of which is that a huge burden has been lifted.

Good for you! :applause:

One can hardly know how your family will react. You will find everyone has their individual reaction as well as participates in a 'family dynamic'. That said, they may surprise you. It isn't uncommon for one's family- if they are very conservative- to 'go in the closet' - at least for a period of time. You've lived with the knowledge about yourself for a long time. While they, even if they suspect something's up, will be hearing the truth for the first time.

One of the tough things about coming out to a conservative family is the burden one can feel in answering all their questions and fears. And they may be too afraid to even ask. You don't have to fill in all their gaps. You can point them in the right direction (books, websites, articles etc), but in the end, they are going to have to slog through the information themselves- seek it out- digest it- and come to a new understanding if they haven't already. It's not up to you to make things right for them. That's not your job.

It's your job to be happy.

You won't be dropping a bomb on them. You'll be cracking open your egg.
Now's the time to spread you wings and fly.

[sjbouza]

I have been sort of "feeling" my dad out on how he may react to my coming out to him. I spoke with him over the phone the other night and I dont remember how we got on the subject of religion but I brought up the fact that my moms side of the family hangs on every word of James Dobson and Focus on the Family. As an example I told him that they no longer will shop at WalMart because they support homosexuals, according to Dobson. His reaction was quite interesting. In a nutshell, he may not agree with homosexuality, but in the long run everyone will have to answer to God in the last days. He didnt react at all like I thought he would. I thought he might come off like, "cant stand those damn gays" type of attitude. But that wasnt it at all. So I am feeling a little better about coming out to him, at least better than I was but still nervous about it.

As far as the rest of my family is concerned, I dont think they will disown me nor do I think my dad will. That I am really not worried about. I think it is just the nervousness of just saying it. I hate having to be the first one to say something. If someone asks me then I would be like "yup I am gay". But choking out the words myself is another story...:eek:

I grew up going to Baptist, United Methodist, Evangelical Presbytarian, and Open Bible Pentacostal Churches. My family dynamics is really hard to describe. Dysfunctional to the max pretty much covers it. My moms side of the family is not one to say I love you without a prompt from someone else first. My dad however, it totally opposite. We always end out conversations whether in person or on the phone with I love you. My dad is a very laid back liberal man, while my mother and here side of the family is James Dobson knows all type of people. Every word that man says, and I quote, "comes from God". Yea, you heard me.

I grew up pretty much by myself. From a very young age, about 7 or 8, I was responsible for getting myself up and ready for school. My mother would wake me before she went to work and I would get ready and get myself a bowl of cereal and be on my way to the bus or walking to school. If I went home after school I would usually be there by myself for at least an hour. If there was a party at my grandparents business I would ride the bus there to do homework and help out with whatever was going on that night. A normal bedtime for me was 10 a that age or whenever I fell asleep.

I dont think I was ever really a priority in my mothers life. I say this because once her and my stepfather got married I was put on the back burner. They didnt pay any attention to me unless they needed me to do something. My stepdad has this thing about building our house. I mean from the ground up, sawing the lumber for the house, the whole 9 yards so to speak. So my days were spent clearing brush and helping in the saw mill. I wasnt allowed a life for a long time. Once they had enough of the house finished so they, mom and stepdad, could move in they did. I spent 2 years living with my grandparents while my room was completed. I was about 13 or 14 at that point. Once I finally moved in I was once again just a mule in the house. Only being sought out for chores or meals. Other than that I spent most of my time in my room with the door closed, headphones on and music blasting in my ears.

I didnt see much of my father for about 5 ot 6 years. The occasional phone call and maybe once or twice a year visit. Parents divorced when I was 6. I remember the fighting, yelling and screaming. Only once did I see anything get physical. That was my mother throwing a cut glass bowl at my father and almost hitting me. That was the first time dad moved out. He was gone for about a month, came back and everything was fine for a couple weeks. Then it started up again. I would sit in my room with my head buried in my pillow crying. Finally, dad realized that this was hurting me more than anything and he left with nothing but the cloths on his back. He fought for custody of me, I have seen the court transcripts. He didnt want any support from my mom. She could see me whenever she wanted but he wanted me to live with him. But the judge in his ultimate wisdom told my dad, "that isnt how things work. The woman gets the child in my courtroom." I remember reading those words and tears just rolled down my face. What could my life have been if dad would have gotten custody. My mom used me against my dad. I found out, years later, why I didnt see my dad that much for those few years. Everytime he would call and want to take me somewhere, mom would say no and make some reason why I couldnt go. I would always be in tears going back on the phone to tell dad I couldnt go, while still begging mom to let me go. Eventually, he saw that has just as bad as when they were together and the fights. He figured it would be better for me if he would just not involve me in getting to see me. He would just call mom after that, but she would make up the same crap that I couldnt go cuz I had stuff to to, whatever. In recent years I have confronted my mother about this and she comfirmed pretty my everything that dad told me. I asked her how she could do that to me? She told me, "I wasnt doing it to you, I was just mad at your father and wanted to get even with him for what he put me through." So in her petty way she deprived me of my relationship with my father for 6 or so years.

Today, we have a great relationship. I wish it was better, but I know that he is there for me no matter what. The same goes with all my family, that I have no doubt of. Dont get me wrong by things I write about my family, through all the crap from either side, I love them. Blood is thicker than water. Family always sticks together and all that jazz. I just dont feel that I have a reall y strong parental relationship with either of my parents. It is more like and aquaintance/friendship with my mom. With my dad there is a parental relationship, but more of a friendship there too. I dont know if that makes any sense to anyone. But that is how I see it from my little world.

I have learned a great deal from both sides of my family. My grandparents, have taught me to love cooking and food, as apparent by my 255 pound body. But remember you cant trust a skinny cook...:D . I have learned how to work with wood and build pretty much anything including a house from the inside and out. I am very mechanically inclined and can work with basic automotive projects and repairs. There are a ton of things that I have gained from my family that I am very thankful for. I am a very self sufficient person. I even sew. I have made chef pants for myself for work in the past. I have sewn 3 quilts for myself and family members as well as a number of home decor projects. OMG I AM GAY!!!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek:

But seriously, I have gained a great deal from my family over the years. They have taught me a great many things in life and how to live. I am thankful for everything. I just hope that they understand all that when I tell them that I am gay and it isnt something they did or didnt do to make me this way. I hope all the poison that Dobson has filled their minds with wont come against me at that point. Just continued prayers from all of you for courage and strength.

[andrewlittle]

OMG I AM GAY!!!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek:

Yes, you are, Scott. And you do it well.

I am fully familiar with dysfunctional families - my own growing up, and my own as an adult. I can hear your words as I think about my parents (although the roles were reversed, but not the custody) and about the relationships that I have with my children. What seem like "games parents play" are generally their own learned behaviors and unlearned skills playing out in a generational sin-fest. The parent-child relationship with my sons seesaws - with distance many times making like for them easier with my ex, but costing them and myself a great deal in the process.

Parenting is never perfect - and neither are the parents. From your decriptions of the things that you like to do and have accomplised, I would grasp at air and make a wild guess. They suspect. I would guess that your dad would work through his reactions more easily then your mom, since he wouldn't go through the same period of absolute denial. Like I said, this is a guess from reading about the dynamics.

But, ultimately the hope is in the need of the parent to embrace their child. There may be more hope of this from one parent than another, but a parent will still wrestle their own sense of moral outrage (if it is present) against the love they have for the fruit of their own flesh and blood. Parents can't do the unconditional-love thing as well as God, but the tendency is there anyway for most parents.

I will keep you in my prayers, my friend, and imagine you resting against the busom of God.