Is this guy a player?

[pnggrad79]

I have a guy friend who is 42 years old and met this guy (twinkie) in a bar and hooked up with him and they have been going at it since New Years. But this guy he met is 22, half his age, and is going between my friend and his (Twinkie's) ex, who was 45. This twinkie tells my friend he loves him, but is going back and forth between ( his ex) San Antonio and (my friend) Houston. His ex is very rich and promises twinkie the world. My friend is unemployed right now and can't give twinkie anything but love. Twinkie says he loves my friend, but needs material things. Twinkie has lied to my friend, has been seeing his ex through this whole thing after telling my friend it was over with ex, while sleeping with my friend, too. Well my friend finally caught them together and I just told him to leave this guy alone, he wasn't worth the time, energy, or love and to move on. I think twinkie is a player and is more interested in older men who can give him a very good lifestyle and what's love got to do with it? You know? Fortunately, my friend didn't build a life with him, or anything. He just fell quick for him and hard. Any advice for my friend and twinkie?

[NathanATX]

I would say to your friend:

You are the only one who can create your life. If you are intent on having a good relationship with a great guy with similar values, you are the only person who can be responsible for pursuing that kind of relationship.

Be responsible for your own weaknesses. If you're sad & lonely, meet those needs with friends & loved ones... not by trying to find a partner. If you're horny, make sure you are not taking advantage of someone's emotional needs just so you can "get off."

A big part of responsibility is realizing that you can't be responsible for other people. While you may love them and want them to take the action you think is best, they get to choose.

And that is ok. Even if they don't choose you or your way.

Acknowledge that this other guy is doing the best he can do... or the best he thinks he can do. He is probably pursuing financial security over love because he is afraid of not having enough... or he is insecure and believes his worth is tied to his possessions.

Becoming present to the probable source of the other guy's manipulative and unkind actions makes it difficult to judge him. At the very least, this awareness should help you to not take his actions personally. They aren't about you, they're about him.

Ask yourself, do you want to trust God for the right relationship or do you want to try and make one work by yourself?

And finally, always seek to trust God more and more. In difficult times of heartbreak & disappointment, we can discover the strength and sweetness of God's heart for us.

[Zerbie]

For whatever reason, the kid can't or won't sever the prior relationship. What is more, he has lied to your friend. In my life, lies are a defining thing: if someone lies to me, especially within the context of an intimate relationship, I consider that person too untrustworthy to have in my life. Lying to a partner can be dangerous, not only emotionally (which is enough in itself!) but also physically and financially. So lies are the line in the sand for me.

This kid has revealed how he is (probably) going to treat your friend, and early on in the relationship. While hope tends to spring eternal, you also need to consider what such behavior and lies say about how the kid is likely to continue to treat your friend. And ultimately, it is your friend who gets to decide where to set the line as to how much of this he is willing to endure. When we are lonely, and deeply infatuated with someone, it can seem like the loving thing to do is to continue to give the person we are fascinated with "chances," but in so doing, many people allow themselves to be further hurt. It is up to your friend how much he is willing to take in the hopes that this young person might reform and make a commitment. From what I've heard, it seems your friend would end up getting hurt again.

[Jennifer5]

Even if you set aside lying... in the long run, I don't think this could end well. This guy has led you friend to believe that he loves him, yet he doesn't act that way. I would just be afraid that your friend will end up hurt by that guy.

:) Hope this helps...

[pnggrad79]

My friend was extremely hurt by the twinkie. Twinkie came on to him at a bar and dropped the guy he was with, went home with my friend and they went at it all night. The next day, it was another round of it. They spent the entire weekend in the bedroom and barely came up for air. It was like an episode of QAF, if you know what I mean.

Then the ex of Twinkie called begging him to come back to San Antonio. Now ex is 45, married with 3 kids and basically putting Twinkie up in a $4500 a month condo and keeping the whole thing hush hush from his wife. Ex buys him $40,000 watches and cars and clothes and you name it. Buying him off. Yeah, Twinkie had it good. Then ex had a heart attack and Twinkie was not allowed in the hospital room or to see him and felt like he was nothing more than a kept man, and wanted out. So Twinkie came to Houston and picked up my friend. And ex has been calling him and promising him the world if he just comes back to him. Twinkie says he fell in love with my friend, but I am convinced he is playing him. Apparently Twinkie likes being kept, instead of having to work and sweat through life like the rest of us. My friend gave his heart away too fast and so in the end, I think he should just move on, don't call, don't email, don't text, just get the heck away from Twinkie. :(

[Zerbie]

If it were me, I'd run.

I hope your friend finds someone worthier. And doesn't suffer too much heartbreak over this kid.

Your description of the scenario brought to mind a title: "Manon Lescaut" It still happens, obviously.