Hello My Name is Bearnabas

[Bearnabas]

Hello everyone. Thanks for reading. I've been posting a little while but only recently have I been feverish in talking to people. I have a chocolate lab as my icon because I'd like to be a good companion on the road, and my name is a play off that famous companion, Barnabas, in the Bible. I always wished I had one of those--big bearded ruffian gentle guy who would believe in me (man, did I just open up...anyway)

I'm 38, four years old as a gay man. I figured it out REALLY late. I was distracted by all the ideas that being gay was an outside force, something that attacked us--a demon, perhaps--rather than an inside reality/identity. I just never thought i could BE gay....thought that was a lie (told by a bunch of wily gay people....)

My main concerns these days are when and where to come out--no rush, both my jobs and house are tied to me keeping silent--but I leave those in the summer. And I don't know if coming out is right for everyone right away anyway. And then there's the issue of sex. You've read my posts maybe on my reluctance to jump into the physical side of a relationship too quickly (okay, my body has no qualms...just my heart and soul.)

I've found Soulforce to be such a great community. We should organize a conference where we all present papers...or do something as an excuse to meet!

It's full of love and grace, this site, and I've started meeting great people who are further along on the journey than I am and who look back and tell me what it's like. I appreciate that a lot.

Anyway, appreciate your prayers and support and I'll do the same for you. BIG BEAR HUGS to everyone--pass those on to some straight people out there too. :D

[antonyh]

Welcome to Soulforce. I've been enjoying your posts.

[BrentRichards]

You're not the only one who figured it out late ... I'm 37 (soon to be 38) and only came out about a year ago. I had to wrestle for a long time to come to a place where I could allow both my sexuality and my faith to live in peace in the same brain and heart.

Sometimes I regret not coming out while I was still "young and pretty" (if I ever was, not sure about that), but I don't regret arriving here with my faith intact. Life is hard, God is good. On we go.

Anyway, welcome (I've seen your posts in other threads, happy to learn a little about you). Best to you.

Brent

[Bearnabas]

Brent,

I have thought those thoughts too! Damn, I think to myself. I wasted 38 years as a celibate man waiting for the right woman.... and now I'm older. Will I begin the downhill journey to impotence? (LOL...I know, I know, men can have many, many years of potence after 38....but these irrational thoughts, they just storm in where angels fear to thread....)

I gotta get myself in shape... Now, at least, I have my head screwed on ....well, not straight. And I still love God, and he really, really thinks I'm cool, and has a thing for me too. I'm humbled by that attention....

Antonyh, thanks. I've been enjoying the discussion so much.

[antonyh]

Brent,

I have thought those thoughts too! Damn, I think to myself. I wasted 38 years as a celibate man waiting for the right woman.... and now I'm older. Will I begin the downhill journey to impotence? (LOL...I know, I know, men can have many, many years of potence after 38....but these irrational thoughts, they just storm in where angels fear to thread....)

I gotta get myself in shape... Now, at least, I have my head screwed on ....well, not straight. And I still love God, and he really, really thinks I'm cool, and has a thing for me too. I'm humbled by that attention....

Antonyh, thanks. I've been enjoying the discussion so much.

Honey, you're still a young spring chicken :) Haven't you heard, 40 is the new 20.:flower:

[Zerbie]

Big bear hugs back atcha, Bearnabas!!
:love: :love: Lots o' great big sisterly hugs and smooches (and to you too, Brentrichards :love: :love: )

Bear - the campus discussion sounds fascinating, and a bit of an eggshell-walking endeavor, too. Best of luck. Later, when you don't have to be circumspect, I would be interested to hear some details (like where this is happening, etc.)

You are certainly correct that coming-out is not a one-size-fits-all formula. You share your personal information with whoever you wish to share it with, and if you prefer to keep it private that too is your prerogative.

I have so enjoyed your posts and your presence here. You are a delight. Don't fret the chronological 40 thing. In centuries past, 40 was fairly old. Nowadays, it totally isn't. Peeps will be living to 100 and beyond easily. So you're not even to the 50% mark yet.

You have some advantages to being all grown up when you're coming out. You know who you are, like, really, really deep down. You have a career track-record, you've struck a balance between deep faith and a healthy view of sexuality. That's a lot to bring to a relationship. The guy who gets you is going to be very lucky. So whatever you do, don't settle for anything less than someone who loves you, treats you with respect and compassion, has concern for your welfare (physical, emotional, psychological,) is romantically passionate (and overjoyed to introduce you to physical love) and who knows how to be grateful for finding such a special and wonderful man.

[Bearnabas]

From your mouth to God's ears. I appreciate the good thoughts and good advice. I'll do my best to find a good man...and to be one.

Big brotherly bear hugs!

[kara speltz]

You're not the only one who figured it out late ... I'm 37 (soon to be 38) and only came out about a year ago. I had to wrestle for a long time to come to a place where I could allow both my sexuality and my faith to live in peace in the same brain and heart.

Sometimes I regret not coming out while I was still "young and pretty" (if I ever was, not sure about that), but I don't regret arriving here with my faith intact. Life is hard, God is good. On we go.

Anyway, welcome (I've seen your posts in other threads, happy to learn a little about you). Best to you.

Brent

I came out at 38 also! That was some 30+ years ago. My mantra is "all in due time." By waiting I was blessed with a wonderful son, and now two teenage grandkids. Trust that all is perfect. kara

[u-dog]

I had no idea. You are a true elder !! (which is like being REALLY OLD only better :D ) I bow to your venerable "cronehood" and will listen to your words with greater attentiveness (trying not to get pissed off) from now on.

[BrentRichards]

From your mouth to God's ears.

I love that expression! Haven't heard it in a while, thanks!

I too have two children (mine adopted) that I would likely not have had if I had been out at the time ... can't regret that!

[BrentRichards]

One of the "kickers" for me is that I went to college at Penn State, which even in then (87-91) had an active, open, and healthy gay community ... do I come out into that supportive environment? No, I wait till I'm living in the middle of Amish country and the PA Bible Belt, where people still only say the word "gay" in a whisper.

Again, rhapsodizing on "what could have been" is not the same as regret ... I know I needed to come the way I did, and I am thankful for the depth and certainty that I think have come with it. I write a lot, and when I was part of the "ex-gay" movement, I had completed most of a book manuscript ... that has gone "back to the drawing board," but I do have a working title for the new version: "Getting to 'Here': Confessions of a Gay Evangelical"

[alisaeyes]

Glad for you Bearnabas,,good for you...you have done alot better than me..I am still sitting in that closet...might be there awhile....in a area that is not lesbian friendly...but I am still hopeful..http://www.postsmile.com/img/emotions/214.gif

[Daniel]

.. but I do have a working title for the new version: "Getting to 'Here': Confessions of a Gay Evangelical"

The sometime editor in me likes the latter part:

Confessions of a Gay Evangelical

Very much in keeping with the Confessions of St. Augustine. :D

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confessions_(St._Augustine)

The 'getting to here' part sounds like a chapter heading. ;)

Keep writing!

[ladyinred]

Hobo, I had a friend who was in a similar predicament in a small town and she didn't really feel safe coming out in that town, it wasn't until she was older and moved away that she finally found her partner.Perhaps you can share something with us about what it is like being in that situation and why you feel reluctant to come out.

[BrianB]

Welcome Bearnabas! I'm another one that was in denial about my sexuality. I finally came out to myself at 39. Then I came out to my ex-girlfriend as bisexual. She is bisexual too. After that I started attending pride events locally. It bothered me that my parents may see me in the news coverage or may hear through word of mouth. After a few years of agonizing I came out to them and most of the people in my life. Coming out was scary for me but it was also the most freeing thing I have ever done.