Strange Things Said By Fundie Pastors....

[keltic63]

Inspired by another thread, I decided to start this one in which we can all share some of the stranger statements made in all seriousness by fundie pastors. Keep it light, remember, it's got to be so sad that it's laughable.

[keltic63]

OK, I'll start. I once heard my pastor (when I was a teenager in the AoG) say "The people who come to church on Sunday morning, love the church. The people who come to church on sunday evening, love the pastor; but the people who come to church on wednesday night, love the LORD!"

[andrewlittle]

"don't show your gun until you're ready to shoot it." - The advice to carry a small Bible in your pocket, as opposed to a big Bible in your hand.

http://www.alternet.org/story/50934/

[Zerbie]

Wait? He DELIBERATELY compares a Bible to a gun?

Well no wonder I have a gut-reaction of wanting to stay away from Bibles, then.

Geez that's sad.

[keltic63]

"What better place to be than in the House of the Lord?"


pretty hard to disagree with that, isn't it?



but wait, what if it's in reference to a church service that you may not want to attend? for instance, any time there were special services at this particular church, week long revival services or New Year's Eve watchnight, etc. the minister would put this rhetorical question out there as he made the announcement for the services. It became a guilt technique to make sure that church members showed up for those services.

[davidb]

At my Christian High School, we had this recurring chapel speaker who was really twisted. Pastor Oldamolon. We called him Old-and-Moldy. He would go on and on about promiscuity and "sins of the flesh." In one of his diatribes he talked about pornography, which he watched, of course, just so that he could report back how its unspeakable evils.

His quote: "I had to have my mind cleansed!"

[HarmlessEccentric]

It isn't the lyrics that make rock music wicked. Even without lyrics, or with Christian lyrics, rock music is still wicked. Why? Because any rhythm that beats faster than your own heartbeat will inflame you with lust.

Yes, I know. But that's what my Sunday School teacher said.

[Thaddus]

“The choir will be sinning at tonight’s service”

“During the Pastor’s absence this weekend, the church secretary will give a massage to the congregation.”

"Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early."

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

[Dash]

See...that's the kind of humor I like, because I'm apparently still in Jr. High. I just want to know that music will follow the bean supper and that choirs are sinning in Church. :D :lol: :rofl: :laughing:

[u-dog]

See...that's the kind of humor I like, because I'm apparently still in Jr. High. I just want to know that music will follow the bean supper and that choirs are sinning in Church. :D :lol: :rofl: :laughing:

"a Young Mothers Club will be forming in the near future, anyone wishing to become a Young Mother please see the pastor."

[BrentRichards]

A real one here. This past Lent, an announcement in our bulletin said the church would be open prior to the Maundy Thursday service for "prayer and medication"

[BrentRichards]

Also, one of my seminary professors, when he was interning at a church, was told that one of the most important things he could remember as a pastor was to wear knee socks, because nobody should see their minister's hairy legs

[BrentRichards]

OK, I'll start. I once heard my pastor (when I was a teenager in the AoG) say "The people who come to church on Sunday morning, love the church. The people who come to church on sunday evening, love the pastor; but the people who come to church on wednesday night, love the LORD!"

Sure, on the same principle as "collect enough stamps and get a free six inch sub" We all know that's how God works! [choke]

[tdogg]

Stop oh please stop my stomach!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Oh, that felt good! :p

Ok, please continue....:D

[keltic63]

I recall reading something that Jimmy Swaggart wrote way back in the 80's. He said that the then new trend of Hebrew worship music (not really Hebrew, just songs written in minor keys that sounded vaguely Israeli to American ears) was not to be embraced by our churches. Here's his reasoning: music written in minor keys reflected the sadness of the times in the Old Testament; all OT music was in a minor key. BUT when Jesus came, songwriters began writing music in major keys to reflect the joy that a savior had been sent by God.

It was an interesting re-write of music history :eek:

[TigerXero]

We were talking one day, and I asked him, just for the sake of asking, how he could support the war in Iraq when the ten commandments says Thou Shalt Not Kill. He responded by saying a more accurate translation would be Thou Shalt Not Murder. Apparently, going over and fighting in a war isn't murdering people; it's killing people, so it's okay.

>_>...

[BrentRichards]

I recall reading something that Jimmy Swaggart wrote way back in the 80's. He said that the then new trend of Hebrew worship music (not really Hebrew, just songs written in minor keys that sounded vaguely Israeli to American ears) was not to be embraced by our churches. Here's his reasoning: music written in minor keys reflected the sadness of the times in the Old Testament; all OT music was in a minor key. BUT when Jesus came, songwriters began writing music in major keys to reflect the joy that a savior had been sent by God.

It was an interesting re-write of music history :eek:

Just before I leave for choir:

A C, an Eflat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the Eflat left, and the C and the G had a fifth between them.

[ba dum ching]

[NathanATX]

Just before I leave for choir:

A C, an Eflat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the Eflat left, and the C and the G had a fifth between them.

[ba dum ching]

lol... I actually get that one... I just finished a music theory class.

[Zerbie]

Just before I leave for choir:

A C, an Eflat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the Eflat left, and the C and the G had a fifth between them.

[ba dum ching]

Oh. . .

. . . dear!!

:rolleyes: :p

[Daniel]

Mr. Husband mentioned to me a few days ago that he was once traveling with a friend from Oklahoma years ago (they were checking out the organ- being organists) when they visited a Baptist church in Oklahoma City. The church had three balconies. And when they went from the second to the third balcony, they saw this sign posted:

Please Worship on a Lower Level.

[u-dog]

Mr. Husband mentioned to me a few days ago that he was once traveling with a friend from Oklahoma years ago (they were checking out the organ- being organists) when they visited a Baptist church in Oklahoma City. The church had three balconies. And when they went from the second to the third balcony, they saw this sign posted:

Please Worship on a Lower Level.


Baptists are Satan Worshippers!! I knew it!!