New poem

[superhippy7890]

sorry i havn't been around for awhile. I wrote this poem today, I hope you like it:




He was terrified under the cross
Sitting on the rock covered with moss.
The Secret he knew
But still denied it was true
As he sat on the rock covered with moss.

He wears this secret like a bell around his neck
“Do not be afraid” they said “Just tell us what the heck!”
But as he sat staring at the cross
He thinks to himself “What have I lost?”
“Should I write my life on a page?!”
He said in a fit of rage.


And slowly he got off the rock
He walked through the town and came to a bridge
Too where he looked down
And saw the rushing water.


“How easy” He thought “to end it all here”
“And die without fear”
“To just jump into the water”
But then he thought
“No! I will not!”
And stared down at the river.


The Secret he had
So dark and so sad
Would not be gone with death
So he walked out of town
Until he found
The place he was before.


So he sat on the rock
Under the cross and began to wonder
“What will I do? If I only knew!”
So then he prayed and he suddenly made the decision.
For through it all He would surly fall
Unless the secret was no more.

So there he sat under the cross
On the rock covered with moss
Beaming with pride and pleasure
Loudly he said “I shall not I shall not lie dead or live in dread!”
“For soon the secret will be dead!”

[Zerbie]

Very nice. Wonderful uplifting sentiments at the end - I was very happy to see the journey progress from questioning, to despair, back to the same place with the questions again, and then to a life-affirming answer.

Good work. :) :rainbow:

[u-dog]

I like your poem very much. And like Zerbie I liked the path that it takes from despair to introspection to deeper despair to more introspection to defiance and finally to self acceptance and peace. I think that is VERY true to life.

I don't think you're done with it though. I think it needs a little more work on the meter and the rhyme scheme. I'm no poet but maybe Dash or Austin or one of our other poets has some suggestions. It is a profound piece of work though, Brian, it will be worth the work it will take to refine it!


HEY! Somebody sent me a cartoon that made me laugh AND think of you!

The caption was something like "A Jewish approach to competative swimming"

[Zerbie]

I agree U dog. There are times where it labors to fit the rhyme scheme. What about making it more free verse, so it doesnn't have to labor for rhyme, then you can use the rhyme only some of the time for effect.

[u-dog]

That would be one approach and a perfectly fine one, I have no problem with free verse, but I actually happen to like poetry with meter and rhyme. It imposes a discipline on the poet that requires an intentional Distillation of thought.

But again... I ain't no poet!

[Dash]

I don't know...I kinda like the quirky rhythm and sometimes rhyme of it.

To me...it's sorta scherzo- or joke-like...in the way Daniel might say...

"gotta laugh or you'll sob"

I've read it to myself several times today, and sometimes it's like a thought that trails off...as thoughts often do. That's nice...

It goes and goes and goes...and stops...

In that way, those cut-off rhymes and unsymmetrical rhythms have a ballad feel at times...a little minor sonority.

I read Hopkins' "The Wreck of the Deutschland (http://www.bartleby.com/122/4.html)" Sunday. It's like pop-rocks in my mouth (you gotta read it out loud...let it stop when it wants to stop, and then run again).

Keep it up Superhippy!:award:

[Emproph]

sorry i havn't been around for awhile.

do more of that


(the coming around part ;))

PPS, I loved the 'death of the secret' part.

[Dash]

Oh! Oh! Empy! You reminded me! I wanted to say I liked the "secret like a bell around his neck" part! Yah!!

[superhippy7890]

well thanks guys. I was nervous about the ryhmes, but it seemed to go over well with everyone else.