gaydadwriter
05-30-2007, 11:00 AM
“Who’s Your Daddy?” by R.E. Morin
"Do What I Say, Not What I Do! "
I'm not ALWAYS right, but I USUALLY am...
If parenting were as simple as telling your kids the right thing to do, and having them do it, then it would be one of the easiest jobs in the world, instead of one of the hardest.
My son has matured to a point where he is his own best advocate and champion. At 23, he is making choices to work his butt off to pay bills and reach financial goals. He has a respectable, lower-management position at a lumber yard, which he's good at and enjoys. He works a second, part-time job at a music store, which feeds his passions, while giving him a little extra cash. Between the two, he has very little time to go out partying or do things that could get him into trouble. His situation seems no less than miraculous when considering where he was at just under a year ago. He was sick, without a safe place to call home, out of work and facing jail time for stupid things he'd done a couple years earlier. I can't or won't take credit for his bad choices or his good ones, but it must be noted that he came to me for help after being mostly estranged for most of the last ten years. I didn't have much to offer him except my complete, unending love and helpful intentions. What I gave him was a place to sleep, decent meals, rides to places, and conversations where I listened to him voice his frustrations and hopes and gave him honest feedback (that is always offered as my opinion only, and NOT directives). I said "I think you should come to Portland.", he listened, mulled it over for a few days, then came. I said "I think you oughtta apply at the local lumber yard." and he listened (...they hired him on the spot, for a postition that wasn't even technically open). He stopped drinking and drugging and began to eat the regular, healthy meals that I prepared. He got rested and started walking more and joined the gym with me. He even started taking vitamins. He got his own apartment after just a few months staying with me and my partner, and is still in the process of fixing it up and making it cozy.
I often say that there is a certain kind of faith that Fathers possess. I think WE always know our kids are going to be okay- even when they can't see their own way. It's a kind of a "blind faith", I guess. I never doubted for a second that my son was the wonderful person that he's showing himself to be. Even back when he said things like "I hate you, you f@#*g faggot!", "You're not my Father, I'd like to kill you!". When he was a teenager, spraypainting park benches or later, taking cops on a high-speed chase, I knew that he was this wonderful person who was short-changing himself. It took all those lessons, and all this time for him to learn those lessons. He had to test himself and also others. The extent of the pain he suffered may not have been completely necessary. As a father, my role could have been more preventative, or supportive, but THIS is where we are today. It's a complete wonder to me to whatch my (now-adult) children continue to grow. It's just as fascinating as watching them take their first steps, or their first day of school!
It could be said that during my children's teen years, that they had parents who's own respective limitations and problems contributed to, rather than helped fix, their troubles. Watching my kids work through their challenges and emerge with grace and integrity gives me more hope. I am constantly challenged and inspired to be a better person, for myself, AND for them. Every little thing I can do for them now is very important. Whether it's a ride to work or the doctor, fixing them a sandwich, making them some homemade soup or something simple like that.
I just moved in next door to my son (DON'T WORRY, HE WANTED ME TO...). Like I said, we were pretty much estranged since he moved in with his mother, about ten years ago. Now we live right across the hall from each other and can enjoy each other's company while still having privacy. I can tap on his door to announce that dinner is ready if he wants some, or he can tap on mine to ask for a ride anywhere he needs to go. Of course, before moving in to his building, I kept explaining to him all of the potential benefits- "You won't need to buy a car, or spend money on cabs, 'cause I'll give you rides." , "You won't have to cook, 'cause you can just come over and eat in my kitchen.", "I can help you fix up your place and find stuff for you in shops or at yard sales." ...things like that. However, my car broke down just before the move and was unavailable for almost a month. After getting all my stuff moved into the neighboring apartment, I kept having to go borrow stuff from him- first a vegetable peeler, then a strainer, a frying pan, sugar, etc. A few days after I moved next door, my son looked at me impishly, cocked his head and said "Dad, how's this situation supposed to benefit me, again?".
R.E. Morin
"Who's Your Daddy?"
"It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for living" - Simone De Beauvoir
"The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible." - Oscar Wilde
YOU CAN READ MY OTHER COLUMNS AT blog.myspace.com/gaydadwriter
"Do What I Say, Not What I Do! "
I'm not ALWAYS right, but I USUALLY am...
If parenting were as simple as telling your kids the right thing to do, and having them do it, then it would be one of the easiest jobs in the world, instead of one of the hardest.
My son has matured to a point where he is his own best advocate and champion. At 23, he is making choices to work his butt off to pay bills and reach financial goals. He has a respectable, lower-management position at a lumber yard, which he's good at and enjoys. He works a second, part-time job at a music store, which feeds his passions, while giving him a little extra cash. Between the two, he has very little time to go out partying or do things that could get him into trouble. His situation seems no less than miraculous when considering where he was at just under a year ago. He was sick, without a safe place to call home, out of work and facing jail time for stupid things he'd done a couple years earlier. I can't or won't take credit for his bad choices or his good ones, but it must be noted that he came to me for help after being mostly estranged for most of the last ten years. I didn't have much to offer him except my complete, unending love and helpful intentions. What I gave him was a place to sleep, decent meals, rides to places, and conversations where I listened to him voice his frustrations and hopes and gave him honest feedback (that is always offered as my opinion only, and NOT directives). I said "I think you should come to Portland.", he listened, mulled it over for a few days, then came. I said "I think you oughtta apply at the local lumber yard." and he listened (...they hired him on the spot, for a postition that wasn't even technically open). He stopped drinking and drugging and began to eat the regular, healthy meals that I prepared. He got rested and started walking more and joined the gym with me. He even started taking vitamins. He got his own apartment after just a few months staying with me and my partner, and is still in the process of fixing it up and making it cozy.
I often say that there is a certain kind of faith that Fathers possess. I think WE always know our kids are going to be okay- even when they can't see their own way. It's a kind of a "blind faith", I guess. I never doubted for a second that my son was the wonderful person that he's showing himself to be. Even back when he said things like "I hate you, you f@#*g faggot!", "You're not my Father, I'd like to kill you!". When he was a teenager, spraypainting park benches or later, taking cops on a high-speed chase, I knew that he was this wonderful person who was short-changing himself. It took all those lessons, and all this time for him to learn those lessons. He had to test himself and also others. The extent of the pain he suffered may not have been completely necessary. As a father, my role could have been more preventative, or supportive, but THIS is where we are today. It's a complete wonder to me to whatch my (now-adult) children continue to grow. It's just as fascinating as watching them take their first steps, or their first day of school!
It could be said that during my children's teen years, that they had parents who's own respective limitations and problems contributed to, rather than helped fix, their troubles. Watching my kids work through their challenges and emerge with grace and integrity gives me more hope. I am constantly challenged and inspired to be a better person, for myself, AND for them. Every little thing I can do for them now is very important. Whether it's a ride to work or the doctor, fixing them a sandwich, making them some homemade soup or something simple like that.
I just moved in next door to my son (DON'T WORRY, HE WANTED ME TO...). Like I said, we were pretty much estranged since he moved in with his mother, about ten years ago. Now we live right across the hall from each other and can enjoy each other's company while still having privacy. I can tap on his door to announce that dinner is ready if he wants some, or he can tap on mine to ask for a ride anywhere he needs to go. Of course, before moving in to his building, I kept explaining to him all of the potential benefits- "You won't need to buy a car, or spend money on cabs, 'cause I'll give you rides." , "You won't have to cook, 'cause you can just come over and eat in my kitchen.", "I can help you fix up your place and find stuff for you in shops or at yard sales." ...things like that. However, my car broke down just before the move and was unavailable for almost a month. After getting all my stuff moved into the neighboring apartment, I kept having to go borrow stuff from him- first a vegetable peeler, then a strainer, a frying pan, sugar, etc. A few days after I moved next door, my son looked at me impishly, cocked his head and said "Dad, how's this situation supposed to benefit me, again?".
R.E. Morin
"Who's Your Daddy?"
"It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for living" - Simone De Beauvoir
"The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible." - Oscar Wilde
YOU CAN READ MY OTHER COLUMNS AT blog.myspace.com/gaydadwriter