Coping with anger and hatred...

[johntampa]

I come from a Southern Baptist family. I even have an uncle who has been a part of my life, my whole life, who is a Baptist preacher.
Naturally I've been taught my whole life that gay is evil, bad, sinful, etc... As a gay man one can certainly understand I might have issues.
Depression, without a doubt. However, what I am finding is that I cannot let go of the anger and hatred I have for those in our society
who would continue to promote hate towards the gay community knowing everything they know today. I believe this makes me somewhat of a hypocrite as I am just as guilty of hate towards them. How on earth do you come to terms with, and not hate, people who have so much anger and hatred for you? :mad: :confused:

[BrentRichards]

Far from an easy question. It's one I continue to struggle with, though I think I've made SOME progress.

One thing that helps me is to remember where I came from, and that I once held the same sincerely wrong beliefs many of them do (don't know whether this is true for you or not).

I also hold strongly to the principle of Goethe: "Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." If I can turn my angry energy into helping someone else (even if that service is unrelated to GLBT issues) I find myself feeling healthier and happier.

Ultimately, we have to let go of anger and hatred, not because "they" don't "deserve" it (another discussion altogether), but because it eats us alive.

Don't know if that's helpful at all. As I said, it's not an easy issue.

[Zerbie]

Great question!! When you figure out the answer, let me know!! :p

I find for my part that it gets better with time, provided that what I'm doing with my time is positive and makes me happy, leads to healthy relationships, etc. It's very easy to fall into the trap of becoming totally polarized by opposing "them" and without noticing it we start to mirror the ugliness we see in "them".

Point is, instead of focusing on "them" we have to keep our attention on who we want to be, and who we want to be like. We become like whatever we think about the most. So even if we are busy opposing a "them" our attention needs to be on a third aspect: who we wish to resemble.

[lydiam]

I've struggled with this too. I imagine most of us have. It helps to talk about it. I'm starting to read about nonviolent communication and some of those concepts are helping me-- such as the idea that we all have needs and that we act out of those-- so there is some need in that person that made them say or do that thing. That allows me to first feel compassion for the other person which is the only I've found to let go. For example, I've come to terms with the fact that my mom refusing to say she loves me is not because she wants to hurt me but because she has a need that she feels would not be met if she loved me without reservation (like acceptance from her friends, etc.). I need acceptance too so I can feel what she's feeling. That allows me to calm myself down and actually feel understanding and love even when I hear words that I don't agree with (or in this case don't hear words I wish I did). I'm just in the beginning stages of trying to get to this. This song by Susan Werner really sums up how hard it is. I really like this song. It's called Forgiveness.

How do you love those who never will love you,
Who are happy to shove you out in front of the train?
How do you not hate those who would leave you lying bleeding,
While they hold their prayer meeting?

How do you love those who never will love you,
Who are so frightened of you they are calling for war?
How do you not hate those who have loaded their Bibles,
And armed their disciples?
Cause I don't know anymore.

And I can't find forgiveness for them anywhere in this,
And with God as my witness I really have tried.

How do you love those who never will love you?
I think only God knows,
And He is not taking sides.
I hope one day He shows us
How we can love those
Who never will love us
But who still we must love.

[antonyh]

Great question!! When you figure out the answer, let me know!! :p


That is a tough one...I'm with Zerbie on this point.

I believe there is a righteous anger that was modeled for us by Jesus himself. Just look at his interactions with the Pharisees and Sadducees. They acted exactly the way to the margins of their society as fundamentalist Christians often act towards us.

Hate is a different thing. We can't ever let it take root in our hearts. I have people close to me that refuse to treat me with the dignity that is my right. I approach them with nonviolent resistance. I speak the truth about my goodness, but I never act in a way that destroys our 'beloved community'. This is what King and Ghandi taught us.

It took me some time to reach this place in my life. I've acted in anger towards those I love and it has complicated our beloved community. I just think at the end of the day, nonviolence is the only answer to relating to those who hate us.

Speak the truth but do it in a way that does not destroy the beloved community...because people are able to change and grow. It may take years, but it can and will happen.

[Daniel]

I think this is one of those things that we work on for a lifetime. I'm 48 and still find myself angry about things in the past- ancient old things.

I've learned- or am learning- that expressing my anger appropriately is a good thing. And for me this has meant articulating to myself and others how I feel now and how I felt in the past (and one key for me has been staying away from the the language of 'blame' ie you you you). And maybe it's just me, but at some point I can find myself crying. I make no bones about it. It isn't a weakness. Sometimes I thank God I am gay so I can cry. Like when I watched Brokeback and sobbed.

We all need someone who we can be safe with. Really safe. But it means that the person who one is opening up with has to really listen. And I mean listen. My sense is that our anger needs our own and other's respect. And that doesn't come easy to many of us, does it? Anger tends to scare the willy's out of us. We push it away, and at the same time wallow in it, don't we? A real push pull thing develops. But perhaps that's just me. :rolleyes: But my sense is that, if we can't express our own pain and anger, I don't see how we can see or deal with anyone else's. I think we have to have a practical way to deal with it.

At different points of my life I've kept a journal, and let myself let it rip there. This can be very transforming as well as revealing. Getting in down on paper....well....everything comes out eventually. Even the good stuff.

And like Anthony and others here, I've benefited much from prayer and meditation. The whole centering thing really helps.

There isn''t any doubt in my mind that the methods of nonviolence are key in regard to this issue. And that's the main reason I found myself here: I was so pissed off with my family that I realized I had to do something. I've had to learn how to think and act differently.

I think this takes time. It's not a switch you can push and bingo! You're a master of nonviolence.

Sometimes I think it's like a slow drip. It wears away that crusty part of us to reveal a tender heart.

[Progo35]

Hi,

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. Lydiam, I am also so sorry to hear that your mom will no longer tell you that she loves you. That must be terrible, and I will pray that God will open her heart.

As for your family, johntampa, I think that the advice from the people above is really good. It is good to have people around who can talk to you and encourage you. In relation to that point, I know that it is awful when the people who have formally nurtured you or who are supposed to do so-like your family, poison your mind or turn on you suddenly.

I have dealt with a lot of anger in my own life and I would like to give you some ideas about coping:

1) Find an agression source: Go into the woods and bang a tree with a stick, buy a punching bag and hit that, take your urge to do something physical out on some sort of inademant object.

2) Start running: Running or another kind of exercise is a great way to get your endorphins going and clear your mind, it also can have a similar affect to whacking a tree.

3) When you feel lonely and angry because of how others behave, don't be afraid to tell God that. Even if you are angry at Him, it is better to tell Him that than to keep it inside. (You may not be angry at God, but I know that I've had such times.) Running from that, God is a mentor and father who will not leave, so try to set aside time where you literally transfer your need for your family's love/approval to God and then feel His love.

In terms of being angry at others, anger is normal and is not a sin. And, as others have said above, righteous indignation is a God-given tool. If you are feeling hatred toward those who have hurt you, at least you are dealing with it: it is out in the open. Tell God about your feelings, He understands.

I strongly reccommend the book, "Revelations of Divine Love," by Julian of Norwich. It helped me a lot with these issues.

Christ feels your pain, He hung on the cross for you. He, too, was abandoned by his friends when He truly needed them. His brothers didn't believe his message at first, but James went on to write one of the most important books of the Bible.

I will pray for you. I fervently hope that your family and the those of the others here will continue loving and supporting them, even if they are struggling with their own feelings about homosexuality. I pray that God will build bridges for us all as we seek to love and cherish one another.

[BrentRichards]

I strongly reccommend the book, "Revelations of Divine Love," by Julian of Norwich. It helped me a lot with these issues.


You mentioned this in another thread, too ... Love Julian of Norwich ... "All will be well, and all will be well, all manner of things will be well."

Reminds me of a favorite song titled "All Will Be Well" by Gabe Dixon Band.


All Will Be Well
(written by: Gabe Dixon/Dan Wilson)

The new day dawns
And I am practicing my purpose once again
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win
but if I lose, ooh, I don't know
I'll be tired but I will turn and I will go
Only guessing 'til I get there then I'll know
Ohh, I will know

And all the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that's shining in my window
As I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true

And all will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

The winter's cold
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know
That all will be well
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well

And all the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that's shining in my window
As I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true

And all will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

You got to keep it up
And don't give up
And chase your dreams
And you will find
All in time

And all the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that's shining in my window
As I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true

And all will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell
You can ask me how but only time will tell

[Emproph]

How on earth do you come to terms with, and not hate, people who have so much anger and hatred for you?Far from an easy question. It's one I continue to struggle withGreat question!! When you figure out the answer, let me know!!I've struggled with this too. I imagine most of us have. It helps to talk about it.That is a tough one...I'm with Zerbie on this point.
I think this is one of those things that we work on for a lifetime.

The quote: "eternal vigilance is the price of liberty" comes to mind. Liberty, as in freedom, as in control, as in power. Freedom = power.

I'm thinking that we hate them, or struggle with hating them, because we don't have power over and/or freedom from them. Perhaps it's not them we "hate" it's their abuse of power (social control over us). Which we, in the same position, could have become just as corrupt.

That said, one still needs to make the conscious and continual effort to remember such pertinent variables. We don't tend to hate that which we have control over.

An "eternal vigilance" if you will, to be free or 'liberated' of the idea that they are "morally less than" us by making it a point to know why we feel that way about them.

Though my question continues to be, does any of that pontification count when your life is 24/7 hell to begin with?

[revtj]

I have so much anger people confuse me with 36 of the DSM-IV disorders on a good day. Thank you so much for this post!

Seriously, I wish we were at a place in history where we could study how much mental distress, disorder & illness is caused by homophobia. I bet the results would be staggering.

Those of us who turned to mean religion to try and force our bodies and minds to conform to what they said God said we had to be -- I wonder how much that distorted our growth? I wish it could be measured and remedied without having to argue with people about our basic dignity and worth.

As for how I've worked through it...

I read a book before seminary by Ann Bedford Ulanov, Transforming Sexuality : The Archetypal World of Anima and Animus and in one chapter it talked about picturing anger as an unwanted guest who knocks on your door...you invite it in, serve it warm tea and ask it to tell you its message but warn the uninvited guest it does not have permission to harm you or anyone...you only want to know what it has to say...I highly recommend that book or any others by her.

That's a meditation practice that works for me maybe 1/2 the time, it's really beautiful when I can calm down and let it be...but of course I have sublimated so much anger...I try to let it out in creative ways, especially protests, activism and writing.