lost custody

[ressurection6105]

hi, i am new here. i have read quite of few of these posts and i was wondering if anyone else lost custody of their children because of their lifestyle.GLBTI . I would like to be able to share my experince with some one else who understands how heartbroken i am. i have searched for a support group for others like me but i can't find one. i know i am not the only one in this situation. thank you

[keltic63]

I haven't "lost" custody; I have joint custody, but my ex has physical custody. It's a battle that I seem to fight constantly, ok, more like skirmishes instead of battles. There's always an obstacle, always a hoop for me to jump through. pm me if you have specific questions or need some advice.

I will post this bit of advice because it speaks to all of us: Take the high road, it's closer to heaven.

[Zerbie]

That's terrible!!!!

I wonder if there are some support groups in your area for LGBT parents - maybe if you found something like that, some members might have knowledge/experience in what you are now dealing with?

[ressurection6105]

i have looked for supports groups in my area,i can't find one. as you say, it is joint legal custody with my ex-hetero having physical. that would have been fine if he followed the law but he doesn't so i was constantly in court. i did lose custody because he took them away from me without any warning. he showed up one day with a court order saying i had to hand them over. i have never gotten over that day. i guess the high road would have been to walk away and not see my children at all. he is a hater of the gay community and now my children believe that associating with me means they are also going to be doomed.God as there father puts it looks down on us as abominations, doomed to hell. i thought i did the right thing by hanging in there and making sure i saw them.i wanted them to know that i was here for them. maybe i was wrong. he will never let me have a relationship with my children. he has interfered in everything. i guess i had too much faith in the law, court orders and divorce settlements . he was always one step ahead of me.
i guess i am a slow learner. maybe i am supposed to let them go. i just don't know anymore.

[awediot]

I can think of little worse than to have such a Love, a purpose for living not only ripped from you, but then placed in an environment set against you. I have no kids, and thus the title, and won't compare a ridiculous pet story. I am sorry for you, and sorry people can be so, (insert expletive of choice). Any offer of comfort from such an ignorant pov will fall short and I'm not sure what inspires me to respond... Being grateful they are not in a worse position, and knowing God protects the innocent most, may at times lighten the load a bit. Don't doubt that kids see through their influences, and parents badmouthing eachother is not as powerful as you may fear. I know time is priceless and infuriatingly out of control, but it will turn in your favor and never be too late. Hope the best for those responsible, knowing the Best means seeing the damage they may have caused and feeling it full force... May God be with and give you strength, keep your kids' well and smart, and enlighten with poetic justice those who have caused harm.
Awdiot (Dean)

[keltic63]

I'm really sorry to hear that. But, It is important that you be a part of your children's lives! Don't ever think that it is best to walk away from them. at some point, they will realize the truth of the situation; my older 2 (teenagers) recognize what happens and how my ex schemes against me. My youngest doesn't quite get it, but he knows mom wants certain "answers" to his questions when he gets home from my place. I encourage you to work toward a time that you can have more time with your kids; was there a specific reason that you lost them? was it specifically the gay issue? Fight it! did they fabricate other reasons to hide their prejudice?

i have looked for supports groups in my area,i can't find one. as you say, it is joint legal custody with my ex-hetero having physical. that would have been fine if he followed the law but he doesn't so i was constantly in court. i did lose custody because he took them away from me without any warning. he showed up one day with a court order saying i had to hand them over. i have never gotten over that day. i guess the high road would have been to walk away and not see my children at all. he is a hater of the gay community and now my children believe that associating with me means they are also going to be doomed.God as there father puts it looks down on us as abominations, doomed to hell. i thought i did the right thing by hanging in there and making sure i saw them.i wanted them to know that i was here for them. maybe i was wrong. he will never let me have a relationship with my children. he has interfered in everything. i guess i had too much faith in the law, court orders and divorce settlements . he was always one step ahead of me.
i guess i am a slow learner. maybe i am supposed to let them go. i just don't know anymore.

[Zerbie]

I'm SO NOT an expert on custody cases, but I do know this: you love your children, and they have just lost you!! Being taught to hate their mother is not right, it can never be right, and either right now they know that - or they will come to understand it later. Are your children very young?

I think Keltic is right you should pursue every avenue you have. Try contacting Lambda Legal - you can search for them online. They are a legal defense organization protecting the LGBT community, and it's my understanding that if they take your case they will work FREE of charge. Yeah. I'm sure they take custody cases. Seriously - CALL THEM.

Meanwhile, whatever happens between you and your family, do not fall off the face of the earth. Be find-able, if the worst happens and you do not see your kids til they are grown, let them be able to find you if they grow up and want to make contact and repair the relationship. Make it clear to your kids how much they mean to you. Kids need to hear that message from their parents. Do everything you can to give them the opportunity to hear it.

Now go look up Lambda Legal!

[everybodyplaysthefool]

My experience with child custody may differ from most. I'm a single mother that lost custody of my precious son 9 years ago. I'm still bitter and angry and haved moved on - somewhat. The VERY mentally ill and devious father had several tricks up his sleeve and won custody. I won't go into all the "crazy" details of what happened. Let's just say this...his manipulation skills were par excellent! He USED MANY people in the process ( his ex-wife, her family, my family ). I'm sure this man made Satan very proud!

Because of his deception it tore many people apart ( mentally ) - including my son. I've seen my son on a few occasions ( once a year ) & seems to be doing okay. I look into my son's eyes and see some sadness. My son is growing up and this "controlling" "manipulative" father will lose grasp of him. Yes, Karma has a way of...kicking us in the seat of the pants. My only wish is the father will fall off the face of the earth - none to soon. His attorney ( bulldog )? The "biotch" is walking around with a nice new rack ( boob job ). I'm sure the judges are eating ( no pun intended ) that up! Well, I did warn you ( beginning paragraph ) about the bitter and anger in me. Right?

[everybodyplaysthefool]

Ressurection 6105, I understand your situation 100%. Most people THINK we are the unfit parent. BULL. We are the victims along with the children! I have always said...Satan gets his way EVERYTIME. Our ex's choose to obey Satan. I let my son go ( nine yrs ago ) & he knows I love him dearly. I want him to have, as close to a stable life, as possible. I learned along time ago - you can't reason with mentally ill morons ( his father ). It leads to physical, emotional, mental illness. You and I have to take care of ourselves. My strength is knowing my precious son will be back someday. Please keep good, positive thoughts.

[Mia14]

I can't believe how ignorant people can be sometimes. As everybodyplaysthefool says, your children will grow up someday and see through your husband's act. Until then, make sure you show them you're still interested. Maybe write them letters or e-mails. If they're old enough, maybe you can give them cell phones to call you when they feel lonely. I'm not sure about the details of the arrangement or what to do in your situation, but I hate that this can happen to good people.:mad:

This is why we need soulforce.

[pnggrad79]

I was fortunate in Galveston County, the judge in my divorce case said that even if I was a lesbian, which my ex did say in court, that that fact did not make me an unfit parent. She (the judge) said that my ex had to come up with something better than that. He suspects I am a lesbian, but I never told him then.

Now, five years later, I still have not come out to my ex because I feel sure he would bring me back to court for custody of my one remaining child, and I neither have the money or the stamina for another custody battle. My remaining daughter is 15 and she could choose who she wanted to live with, and I feel she would choose me. Even though she would choose me, I still don't want another battle. I will come out to him on her high school graduation night, or shortly thereafter. A bit cowardly I know, but at least I came out to my mom, dad, and siblings-who have rejected and thrown me out. Not a court battle, but nonetheless hurtful anyway.

I agree with all those who said that we are not the unfit parent just because we sleep with a person of the same sex. Parenting is more than that. It is like Keltic said being there for your kids and showing them you love them. :)

[Jennifer5]

sorry to say, I have to get off the computer for the day and wanted to respond to this, so i didn't get a chance to read through all of your posts.
As for custody, I also have to ask like Keltic, was it strictly a gay issue? if so, I say try to continue to be in their lives and in time they'll understand.... but if not it depends on what happened. With my parents it's a pretty extreme situation... and my dad probably won't ever get more than one day a week... but like I said that's extreme. I say continue to be part of their lives, they need you.:)

[hamlynden]

I can relate are you sure your ex and mine are not related







My experience with child custody may differ from most. I'm a single mother that lost custody of my precious son 9 years ago. I'm still bitter and angry and haved moved on - somewhat. The VERY mentally ill and devious father had several tricks up his sleeve and won custody. I won't go into all the "crazy" details of what happened. Let's just say this...his manipulation skills were par excellent! He USED MANY people in the process ( his ex-wife, her family, my family ). I'm sure this man made Satan very proud!

Because of his deception it tore many people apart ( mentally ) - including my son. I've seen my son on a few occasions ( once a year ) & seems to be doing okay. I look into my son's eyes and see some sadness. My son is growing up and this "controlling" "manipulative" father will lose grasp of him. Yes, Karma has a way of...kicking us in the seat of the pants. My only wish is the father will fall off the face of the earth - none to soon. His attorney ( bulldog )? The "biotch" is walking around with a nice new rack ( boob job ). I'm sure the judges are eating ( no pun intended ) that up! Well, I did warn you ( beginning paragraph ) about the bitter and anger in me. Right?

[RedneckDyke]

My partner had a very acrimonious break-up with her ex partner. The kids are all older, youngest in high school. The oldest doesn't want to have anything to do with us. But, it's worth it to keeep trying. Your kids might not understand the situation and they might believe what the church tells them. But you are their mom and when they get older they will remember you keeping contact with them. Keep sending birthday cards, keep calling. Even if you don't get a response they will rmember how you reached out.
Chances are when they are older and can make up their own minds about who to talk to, they will remember how you kept those doors open and they will appreciate that.

[Progo35]

Resurrection:

I'm with everyone else on this: you need to stay in your childs' lives. I am SO, SO SORRY to here that this is going on. One thing that I wanted to emphasize strongly:

DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING!!!!!


My uncle, who is not LGBT but went through a viscious custody battle with his ex wife about twenty years ago, was tricked by her into signing an agreement that he would not see his two daughters for eight years. He did that because his lawyer said that it would be best for them and that he wouldn't be able to fight it. So, he didn't see the girls for all that time and their mother told them that their father didn't love them and didn't want to see them. They, then, of course, felt abandoned by their father. They made up eventually, but major damage and pain had already been inflicted on everyone involved.

So, DON"T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU.

Will be praying.
-Meghan

[ladyinred]

pngrad. I don't think you are cowardly, it may be the smartest move you've made in your life.(your intuition was right on) It may save you the time and agony of him using it as ammunition against you. Coming out may mean not coming out to certain people who are going run you through the rake and more battles. (Silence is golden, it's not lying but it's not going to put you in the middle of something you don't want to go through again)If you're out to friends and other people you know and respect that's fine.

Some people may be fully out or may not be out on their jobs or in their churches, or schools for fear of repurcussions.Plus you can always give the man his gift of your coming out on graduation day with a big smile. I cannot tell other people who are in similar situations what to do or how they should act. I know court battles can be expensive and headache and emotionally draining unless they can get free legal help like suggested above. Money would be a big issue in many of these cases I've heard people spend thousands of dollars over custody battles and divorces.(My brother spent over 10,000 dollars on his divorce and it got pretty ugly) That is a financial drain as well . Sometimes people are fortunate to have a good lawyer that can represent them. I had one in my own particular case though not a divorce or custody battle.

[ladyinred]

As for resurrection this is something akin to mental and emotional cruelty taking a child away from their biological mother , the one who brought them into the world , I wish they would pass legislation that would define unfit parenting as what it is ,someone who neglects or abuses or harms their children. But even many of them regain custody of their children after the fact or manage to somehow. You haven't done anything wrong, I know it may feel like you have at times , it's not fair . You shouldn't be treated like the criminal, and it seems they have more rights than a gay or lesbian person when it comes to having access to their children.This is really ugly.
I hope your kids don't adopt their father's attitude toward you . I wish there was more I could say... I hope you can find the support you need.

[Gregory_de_Bois]

Oh, ressurection, I can't believe you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers. I also want to urge you to express your love for your children as much as you can. When I read your statement, I just heard the words "Christmas Cards." I really think that you should try and send cards on birthdays and holidays and just tell them that no matter what you will always love them. There was this book, it was a children's book, and my parents read it to me when I was little. It was called, Love you Forever. It is a beautiful book.

How old are your kids by the way?

[lisa]

Welcome!
I am the non-biological mom of twins. I was able to legally adopt them when they were 9 mos old. I can't imagine the pain you must be experiencing! Please call the National Center for Lesbian Rights (415-392-6257) or go to their website (nclrights.org) for legal help. They offered to assist my atty during the adoption process. Stay in touch!