Tears of A Clown
06-03-2007, 08:55 PM
Hello everyone.
I'm Hobo's big sis, just call me PuP. It's a nickname I have had for years.
I'm straight but accept everyone with out predujist. I am here to support my sis. All my life I have felt like her protector, leading the way for her.
I always knew she was bashful and quite. I knew she always hated being a girl when she was a young girl. She hated wearing dresses.
She just told me this past weekend when I went home to visit. She seemed so afraid and had a very rough time trying to tell me but once it was out, nothing had changed. She asked if I had every thought that she was a lesbian. I never really thought about it. That is just me. I never think about things which are predujist in nature. I accept all; no mater what race, sex, sexual orentation, creed, etc.
Where my sis was always in the background, quiet, never the one to start something, I was the opposite. I talk to everyone, get in the middle of what ever is going on, and get things started, the black sheep of the family, one not to comform.
We share the fact we both have been sad all our lives.
I always felt like the Tears of a Clown. I was happy and didn't show the sadness inside for many years. The real me was inside and I could not show it. Mainly it was the way we both were raised. We had a controling mom who had major problems of her own and still does. We both were kept under her thumb until I went away to collete. (All I heard all our yourng years, she told us we had to go to college) The only problem is when I left for college I began to slip from under the thumb of our mom, when made mom hold the thumb even harder on sis. She never had a chance after that.
I married a man who was like our mom only worse. So I spent the first 40 years of my life in hell just as sis has. Then one night my middle son realize how bad my life was with his dad and he told me to "just leave". I finally had permission to leave, no understands how a 40 year old has to have permission to leave and can't leave on her own but it is real.
At the time I lived in Florida where you can get a divorce as soon as you can get infront of the judge (less than a month) but my ex did everything to keep it going and rough and BAD, so it took 18 months. By the time it was over I was a total wreck. I had a break down and went into thearpy which helped me. It started the path for me of getting the tears away from the clown. I know longer feel like the real me is locked up insdie unable to be free.
I was a special ed teacher. I thought all kinds of kids, even I have a learning disablity. I have a visual memory disablity and I can not spell. I have converted to a Catholic which is just as bad as where sis is. It is just that everyone in the family knows I'm the black sheep and rejected by most of them.
I know where my sis is, I know she has a long walk ahead, but she is smart, strong, and ready to start her path.
She says that I am smart and she isn't. She puts herself down. She is very smart.
Sis you know mom is having a hard time with this. Really she thinks if you don't talk about it, stop going to your thearpy it will GO AWAY. We both know it isn't going away. There isn't something in you to be FIXED so you change your mind. She may never accept it. Just remember where she is coming from and you know as I do that she has worse problems than we do. She needs thearpy but will not admit it. She will still love you. It is just she fears losing her grip on you too just as she lost her grip on me. She doesn't realize that she doesn't have to have a locked grip on us to keep us.
So I am here sis, I am here to lift you up, rejoice in your life, and let you know I will always be here for YOU.
I love you sis and anything I can do to clear the way for you as I did when we were a kids, or if you need me to kick some behinds....I can still do it.
Love you and see you soon!
PuP aka Tears of A Clown
PS....I also applaude you all, life is too short, to unhappy, and it's about time we start trying to get living with a happy one.
I'm Hobo's big sis, just call me PuP. It's a nickname I have had for years.
I'm straight but accept everyone with out predujist. I am here to support my sis. All my life I have felt like her protector, leading the way for her.
I always knew she was bashful and quite. I knew she always hated being a girl when she was a young girl. She hated wearing dresses.
She just told me this past weekend when I went home to visit. She seemed so afraid and had a very rough time trying to tell me but once it was out, nothing had changed. She asked if I had every thought that she was a lesbian. I never really thought about it. That is just me. I never think about things which are predujist in nature. I accept all; no mater what race, sex, sexual orentation, creed, etc.
Where my sis was always in the background, quiet, never the one to start something, I was the opposite. I talk to everyone, get in the middle of what ever is going on, and get things started, the black sheep of the family, one not to comform.
We share the fact we both have been sad all our lives.
I always felt like the Tears of a Clown. I was happy and didn't show the sadness inside for many years. The real me was inside and I could not show it. Mainly it was the way we both were raised. We had a controling mom who had major problems of her own and still does. We both were kept under her thumb until I went away to collete. (All I heard all our yourng years, she told us we had to go to college) The only problem is when I left for college I began to slip from under the thumb of our mom, when made mom hold the thumb even harder on sis. She never had a chance after that.
I married a man who was like our mom only worse. So I spent the first 40 years of my life in hell just as sis has. Then one night my middle son realize how bad my life was with his dad and he told me to "just leave". I finally had permission to leave, no understands how a 40 year old has to have permission to leave and can't leave on her own but it is real.
At the time I lived in Florida where you can get a divorce as soon as you can get infront of the judge (less than a month) but my ex did everything to keep it going and rough and BAD, so it took 18 months. By the time it was over I was a total wreck. I had a break down and went into thearpy which helped me. It started the path for me of getting the tears away from the clown. I know longer feel like the real me is locked up insdie unable to be free.
I was a special ed teacher. I thought all kinds of kids, even I have a learning disablity. I have a visual memory disablity and I can not spell. I have converted to a Catholic which is just as bad as where sis is. It is just that everyone in the family knows I'm the black sheep and rejected by most of them.
I know where my sis is, I know she has a long walk ahead, but she is smart, strong, and ready to start her path.
She says that I am smart and she isn't. She puts herself down. She is very smart.
Sis you know mom is having a hard time with this. Really she thinks if you don't talk about it, stop going to your thearpy it will GO AWAY. We both know it isn't going away. There isn't something in you to be FIXED so you change your mind. She may never accept it. Just remember where she is coming from and you know as I do that she has worse problems than we do. She needs thearpy but will not admit it. She will still love you. It is just she fears losing her grip on you too just as she lost her grip on me. She doesn't realize that she doesn't have to have a locked grip on us to keep us.
So I am here sis, I am here to lift you up, rejoice in your life, and let you know I will always be here for YOU.
I love you sis and anything I can do to clear the way for you as I did when we were a kids, or if you need me to kick some behinds....I can still do it.
Love you and see you soon!
PuP aka Tears of A Clown
PS....I also applaude you all, life is too short, to unhappy, and it's about time we start trying to get living with a happy one.