Gay adoption and development

[Progo35]

Something that I've been wondering about for a while is the issue of how same sex parents affects children of the opposite sex. Has anyone dealt with this? Why I ask is that there is substansive sociological evidence indicating that children identity with their own gender by age 2-girls imitate their mothers while boys imitate their fathers. Studies have also shown that a girl child will imitate "feminine" behavior in a man before she will imitate agressive or "male" behavior in a woman. (I read this in a very interesting study of male violence, The Dark Side of Man.)

So, what I would like to know is, if a 12-year-old boy/girl has two parents of the same but opposite sex, how does his/her home situation impact learning to be a girl/boy? As an adopted child, that is something I would like to know more about. In an episode of Law and Order, SUV, they cited statistics from the national board of social workers and national center for pediatrics saying that children raised in gay and straight homes are equally healthy, but I haven't had the opportunity to read such studies and determine what they say about the issue named above. Any thoughts?

[keltic63]

good question, and I'd like to throw some studies and statistics out there about it, but at the moment I can't. I've got some gardening and housework to do.

However, a companion question to yours might be, how do children learn those behaviors in a single parent household? how do boys come to imitate masculine behaviors if they have a single mother? What about girls raised by single fathers?

For all the negative talk about 2 mommies or 2 daddies, the truth is, 2 is better than 1!

[Progo35]

Yes, two is better than one. In terms of single parents, that relates to my question-girls being raised by single fathers can pose the problem of not having a mom around to discuss puberty, dressing like a girl (forgive me if this is stereotypical, but it is something that most girls deal with), etc. In terms of learning behaviors from their respective parents, some examples would be girls learning to use the toilet from their moms vs. boys learning from their dads. So, I guess that what I am saying is that there is a general social concensus that single parenting can be a real problem for some families because of the lack of influence from either a father or a mother. Do guys raised by their single moms not become masculine? No, not necessarily, but some sociologists feel that the lack of a male role model can harm young men when they are going out into the dating sphere, whether that be in a heterosexual or homosexual context. Similarly, studies indicate that girls without a father are more predisposed to eating disorders. So, yes, single parenting is not fun and not considered to be an ideal situation for children or their parents.

The studies I'm talkiing about were not done in response to homosexual issues, but in terms of gay parenting, the issue, to me, revolves around how such issues are dealt with. Does the child have a consistent male or female role model outside the home who can help them with such issues if the need arises? If not, how are the pitfalls associated with single parenting (thus the lack of one or the other gender in development) avoided?

[Britt.]

Interesting topic to me. Planning to adopt a girl in the next couple years. Almost all of my friends are female (she'd probably be exposed to Crystal quite a bit), but there are no females living here.

I'm not sure it's a big deal though. Unless you're a shut in, your kid would probably be exposed to people of both genders fairly frequently.

As far as the toilet thing, am I the only male who doesn't stand when I pee unless I have to? She could learn to use the toilet from me, not Ben. She'll also learn to flush the damn thing when she's finished.

[tdogg]

Interesting.

So, I really don't consider myself all that feminine although I have moments. I definitely didn't learn 'feminine' from my bisexual mother or my un-feminine straight stepmother. Maybe that's why I'm not all that feminine?

My dad wasn't all that masculine. You know, he didn't work on cars, not into yardwork except the basic requirements of mowing, etc. Wasn't agressive or loud, or other things that might be considered 'masculine'. I probably learned much from friends and family I 'hung out' with??

We have a thread discussing whether we feel our gender or not, that touches on "masculine" and "feminine". I have traits that could be considered either way, not necessarily predominantly either. However, most of my raising occured with my dad and stepmom (summers and holidays with my mom, stepdad and her various female partners). So I did have influences from both males and females.

I don't see why a male couldn't teach a female things she needs to know about being female and vice versa. Certainly in most cases children would be exposed to people who influence them both male and female?

[Progo35]

I do think that there is a closeness in terms of personal experience that women/men cannot offer to a child of the opposite sex. Like, no matter how sensitive a guy might be to female issues, or no matter how strongly he feels that he/she is actually a woman, this person does NOT have a uterus and cannot experience the sensations/issues associated with menustration. To me, it's like a non-homosexual who is sensitive to homosexuals but is not a homosexual and thus has not experienced same sex attraction firsthand.

I know that when I got my period, I did NOT want my dad to know...I forbade my mother to tell him. I eventually got over this, but I don't know how I would have fared if my mom had not been around at that time. Because, frankly, there wasn't a lot of other woman I could have talked to, and I was dealing with a lot of torture at school, meaning that if I had had an accident and stained my clothes, I would have had to deal with finding someone besides my father who could have helped me process that embarassment-which would have been difficult, given that I had recently left my church because of violence and harassment-so, there wouldn't have been anywhere to go...its something important that relates to knowing that the other person has experienced what you have.

[scott snedeker]

I have a Friend who was raised by his Grandfather. He ran away from his parents to live with his grandfather when he was 11.

His true parents were dysfunctional predators. :eek: His three siblings were raised by these people. :eek::eek: All of his siblings are criminals, suffer from substance abuse and are completely dysfunctional grifters. So are his parents.:(

He is a loving father, Happily married with a grown son who shares his business with him. He is one of the most un-neurotic people I know. :cool:

What is important is to be loved as a child and be given the message like the one in my signature. That your entitlement to love, life and joy is a given. Worthiness does not come into question.:)

It doesn't matter who it comes from! :love::love::love:

[Daniel]

I think the important thing is to be loved. Really loved. And while I don't know about the whole male female thing, my sense is that, if one is loved, that more than makes up for things. As you relate, you can have two gender-opposite parents and be really screwed up. :rolleyes:

Don't have it at my fingerstips (shame on me...but it's late as I write), but I did read of a study where children of gay parents actually came out as better adjusted- though using that word makes one think of car parts, doesn't it?

My own grandmother was my introduction to love. God Bless Her. Lived to be 96.

[Vanessa White]

:love:My partner and I are raising a daughter, so in terms of biological gender, we have that as the same. However, our daughter spends frequent time with male figures, including uncles and grandfathers. She has likes that are sometimes broken down by gender, sports, playing outdoors, getting dirty, are all strong likes of hers, yet she also enjoys dancing and getting all dressed up in a dress and tights at times. We as parents have often been complimented as to how well adjusted, polite, well behaved, and happy that she appears to be, which she is the majority of the time. It is definitely above all else, all about the love. There is no lack of it that is showered upon her by both of us. During the last year that my partner and I were separated, our daughter's response didn't seem to be much different than when other children I have known have had their mom/dad parents split- and she couldn't be happier that we are reunited again. Parenting definitely changes how one views the world, and I think if you are working together at it to do the best for your child, it really doesn't matter about the gender issues...... :love:

[Vanessa White]

There are many different scenarios in which we as LGBT persons are raising children. Our family circumstance is that I gave birth to our daughter after we were together as a couple, and my partner adopted her as second parent about a year later. So, she has only ever known us as her parents. I don't know how that figures in as a factor either. Just more food for thought......:):love:

[scott snedeker]

I think the important thing is to be loved. Really loved.
My own grandmother was my introduction to love. God Bless Her. Lived to be 96.

Aren't grandparents great!

[Progo35]

Vanessa-thanks for sharing your experience raising a daughter. You sound like you and your partner have things worked out really well: she has two strong, loving women as parents and loving male figures in her life as well. So, that's great. I don't know any gay couples with children so it's good to hear it from the source. I still think that the gender thing bears consideration, however, as I haven't heard from anyone with an adopted child of the opposite sex and still think that this could pose problems if there isn't someone of the same gender that the child can be close to. But, if there is, it seems to work out.

Blessings on your family and those of everyone here.

[tymejumper]

Vanessa-thanks for sharing your experience raising a daughter. You sound like you and your partner have things worked out really well: she has two strong, loving women as parents and loving male figures in her life as well. So, that's great. I don't know any gay couples with children so it's good to hear it from the source. I still think that the gender thing bears consideration, however, as I haven't heard from anyone with an adopted child of the opposite sex and still think that this could pose problems if there isn't someone of the same gender that the child can be close to. But, if there is, it seems to work out.

Blessings on your family and those of everyone here.

My partner and I have three, 2 girls and a boy. Of course their biological father does see them, but the majority of the time, they are with us. I have worried in the past about our son, being raised in a completely female household. I has not seemed to cause any problems. He is still 100% boy and i make sure he does see his father and his male karate teacher, grandfather and my brother often. He told me that the only thing that is really a problem with all the females around is all the PMS he has to be aware of! I don't think that sex has that much to do with how well your children turn out. I think that children need love from the most people they can get and that is the deciding force on how well adjusted they are. My therapist said theat they used to worry about single parents and opposite sex children, but now they have studies that show that only one strong parent of either sex is needed to raise a healthy child, emotionally.