Hi!!!!READ ME!!

[missmari]

My name is mari...

my girlfriend is in the army currently. Life for me has been so difficult and complicated. :(

My family is anti-gay, homophobic...and so my girlfriend and I have been forced to date secretly...

the secret part ended when my father found out...my family is as conservative, and religious as they come..they firmly belive gay people are not normal, and that God does not support that....they sent me away to my best friend's in Miami to help me "recuperate and overcome" my sin. My best friend knows that I'm gay, and she supports me, so the trip wasnt bad, I got to see my girlfriend before she went to the army thank goodness!

I am broken apart...because I love my girlfriend so much. Shes out there in the army, in need of my support, yet...i've had to keep it quiet my family does not know I'm still dating her...they think i've stopped seeing her...My mom cries constantly saying she's praying for me to "change". My brothers are the same...

I feel so torn apart...I love my family we are so close, very close, until now...i feel like it's my fault...and I feel so bad, I've considered moving out, but my parents say that if I do move out because i'm gay, they will disown me, and I love my family I don't want to lose them...but I don't want to lose my girlfriend..I love her......I'm at wits end!!! :'(

[edgelessdepths]

Hello missmari!

First many hugs to you! I have gone through rejection by family before so I have some idea of how you are feeling. Please don't think that this is your fault, being who you are is what you should be doing and no one should be able to condemn or judge you for that.

I really can't give you advice on how to deal with your family because only you know what is best for yourself, but I would not recommend staying in an oppressive environment like that if it is possible to move out. I lot depends on how old you are, your financial situation etc.

Also, there is always the possibility that if you move out and show your parents that this is you and you can't change that they may eventually accept you for who you are. Of course there are no guarantees on that.

I wish you the best of luck with your family I am sorry you have to deal with rejection like that, no one should. Hope everything works out for you and welcome to the forums here!

[missmari]

well I am 21...my girlfriend is more than ready to help me with the financial part since I currently have no job (my parents made me quit there since they found out that's where i met my girlfriend in the first place)...

they made me quit school too, to send me off for a while, so I lost a semester of hard work...i'm taking summer classes now...to recuperate lost credits...

thank you for responding!

especially for your love and support

God bless you for it!

missmari

[Daniel]

well I am 21...my girlfriend is more than ready to help me with the financial part since I currently have no job (my parents made me quit there since they found out that's where i met my girlfriend in the first place)...

they made me quit school too, to send me off for a while, so I lost a semester of hard work...i'm taking summer classes now...to recuperate lost credits...


Your parents may think they are acting in your best interest, but are actually causing a great deal of damage to you, your girlfriend, and your relationship with them.

It is not your fault. I hope you understand this, even though you may be tortured by feelings that if only you hadn't met your girlfriend etc.

In sum: your parents are asking you to choose between them and your love for your girlfriend. This is very painful and my heart goes out to you. You should not have to choose who you will love.

That's flat out wrong!

But how about thinking of things this way? It is the misinformation and lack of knoweldge that is to blame here. Yeah...this doesn't help much in the short run, but in the long run, this kind of thinking will help you deal with your parents.

They are doing to need time and information. More of the later especially.

You certainly are in a difficult situation: you want to finish school with your parents help and keep your girlfriend, if I hear you correctly. And your parents are making that hard. And it sounds like you have gone along with your parents somewhat by going back to keeping your relationship a secret and caving in to their demands.

This can only make you very very anger with yourself and them too, because you are going against what you know is true and authentic.

I remember when my own mother made it clear that she expected me to choose between the 'family' and my boyfriend at the time. I choose the boyfriend of course. But my situation was vastly different. I wasn't living with my family at that point or financially dependent on them.

First off, I think you need to get a job again so that, no matter what happens, you have a degree of security. Then, and only then, would I start to make plans for the future.

[scott snedeker]

The separation began between you and your family long ago when your feelings of sexual awareness started in early adolescence, Perhaps as early as 9-11 years old. Because you loved them more than you loved yourself you pretended to be what you are not in order to please them. You did a great acting job, just as I did and many other gay adolescents.

Sadly, the separation is very wide now, because for ten years in order for you to survive you had to pretend that you were not attracted to women. Now they are coming to realize that they don't know a very profound part of who you really are.

They are undoubtably confused about their feelings right now, compounded by the way the media savagely over-dramatizes the current gay civil rights movement by digging out every radical homophobe they can find.

I think that you may be too vulnerable to go home right now. Seek a professional counselor to be your guide and advocate. Choose one who is mainstream member of the APA which recognizes homosexuality as a normal trait. You need to heal and learn to love yourself unconditionally. Create you support system of friends, family that you can trust with your confidence, and a spiritual guide who affirms that you are loved by God and are entitled to live a life true to your nature.

You will not likely get any approval from your family right now. You might tell them in a letter that they are in your heart but right now you need to find yourself on you own. This is at least a neutral statement of truth. I wouldn't give them anything to push against, nor do I think they will believe you if you pretend to be straight again. I would avoid direct questions on the telephone by answering with something like, "I'm thinking about it" or "I can't talk about that right now"

It will llikely take years to overcome the separation that homophobia took years to create. The first step is to discover and love yourself unconditionally so as to wean off approval from your family. You need time and they need time.

Your inner being loves you, even if you may not be able to feel it right now.:love::love::love:

[Progo35]

I'm sorry you're going through this. When you go to a counselor, perhaps he or she could put you in touch with a Christian organization or church that does not regard homosexuality as abnormal, thus providing some support from a faith community. I will pray for healing to come to you and your family.

In Christian love,
Progo35

[missmari]

thank you !!!

Gosh, I am just astounded at the support! I thank you kindly, I appreciate the support, especially now that I don't have my girlfriend with me, she's in the army and she is not allowed to communicate for 8 weeks because of training...

I am looking into the job, and yes, I know I need to make a desicion.

Bless your hearts for being there for me, really...I needed the encouragement and support...

God Bless you

missmari

p.s. scott you are right...I couldn't have said it better....that's EXACTLY what happened!!!

[scott snedeker]

thank you !!!

Gosh, I am just astounded at the support! I thank you kindly, I appreciate the support, especially now that I don't have my girlfriend with me, she's in the army and she is not allowed to communicate for 8 weeks because of training...

I am looking into the job, and yes, I know I need to make a desicion.

Bless your hearts for being there for me, really...I needed the encouragement and support...

God Bless you

missmari

p.s. scott you are right...I couldn't have said it better....that's EXACTLY what happened!!!

That's because I lived it too. The good thing is that you are at this crossroad at a young age. I didn't get there until I was 26. Many of the other members didn't get there until their 40's or even later!

The resiliance of your youth will be one of the strengths in your time of change and discovery. You will discover wonderful things about yourself. By the time you are my age (37,38,39,39,39,39,39,39......):lol: you may rarely think about this point in your life.

Keep posting!

We are your advocates.

Time and your inner spirit are on your side!:)

[d_pedr]

Mari

Firstly God bless you and keep you near him.

I have two children (a boy of 14 and a girl of 16) and I find it difficult to understand that families can consider the 'blackmail' of withdrawing their love and support from the child that God has blessed them with.

My father ignores my sexuality, my mother thinks it a phase (32 years long since I first tried to explain how I felt at 17), but never would they consider cutting me off (and I have to praise God for all the support prior to and since the divorce).

Similarly, I will always love my children, whatever they have done and whoever they become. I pray that they will keep on the Lord Jesus' path, but do not want to prejudge where that will lead, or which direction it will lead.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

love and hugs