I have been outed!!!!!!

[paulee]

hi everyone,
I am feeling bad and I do not have anyone to talk to, so I hope it is ok to talk to forum. I am a firm believer in " I am a human first and what I do and how I treat people is who I am".That is what I want to be known for. I do not want to be known as Paul the homo or the bi one that is how people will see me. I do not tell anyone because it is no ones business. I want to live life, be part of life and enjoy life, If I chose to tell someone it is my choice and no one else. Is that wrong?
I was outed because I turned someone down. This friend made a pass to me to see if I would bite or come on to him. One day, he was helping me to fix my computer and he got nosy and clicked into something on my computer. He would always bragged how gay friendly he is, how many gay friends he has and how he supports the whole gay thing ( he said this not me). Now get this....his wife is looking for a girlfriend, because she is bi, one would think that he would understand. After the computer thing, this friend and his wife began to ask me so many gay questions ( god I hate that, I feel like it is a tally mark for a blender ) I went to their apt and they were trying to get me to come out to them. I guess it was my duty to come out to them, I guess it was their right... I did not say anything. I just let it roll and went on my marry way. Then this friend tried to come on to me and I told him politely I did not want to about the subject about his monster penis and how good he is!!!! well I just played it off. A week after he turned on me and accused me of something and he was afraid for his family and had to protect his two year old child......he told my neighbors that I was gay and told them how he found dirty pictures of men on my computer and how wrong it was. This guy was mad because I did not come out to him. My neighbors had the nerve to ask me is this true and that I am gay. For the love of god, I had to explain to myself to my neighbors. Forget about all the work I do for the homeless, for the children, churches and many other things I do to help make a change. Now I feel like a second citizen and I feel sooooo vailated ( sorry my spelling ) Now people are looking and talking to me funny. MY GOD!!! they even call their kids away from me. I want to hide. Well I just wanted to share this with you and thank you.
Paul

[keltic63]

Paul,

your friend really isn't your friend, and was wrong for telling anyone about anything you may or may not have had on your computer.

Of course, if you wanted, you could tell people who ask because of his announcements about you, that he made a pass at you and you turned him down. Not that revenge is the right thing, but if it is the truth.....

so we've established that it was wrong for the guy to out you. how you handle it from now on will be the important thing. I was outted, and I don't believe I've lost too many friends. I can think of less than 5 people who have avoided me because I was outted/came out.

I also think that your idea that people are looking at you funny and calling their kids away from you, may be your own paranoia. I know I went through something like that for about a week or two. As it turns out, I was experiencing what it was like to be "normal" as in, no longer hiding, no longer living a lie.

Time will pass, people will remember who you are, not your orientation. I know this from experience. I work for a church. Many of those people knew me as a married man. My wife (now ex) outted me at church, expecting that they would fire me. well, they didn't. I just heard again this week (after nearly 4 years of being out) that while my church members aren't sure how they feel about gay people, they love me. Since they know that I'm gay, they can no longer believe that all gay people are like their assumptions and stereotypes.

best of luck, let us know if we can help.

[paulee]

thank you
paul

[scott snedeker]

It is tough being outed before you are prepared. You really need to make the emotional jouney first before you take the action. The emotional journey is learning to love and value yourself unconditionally. If you feel good about being a gay man not just "I can deal with it" then your neighbors will see that and most will want to show off how accepting and progressive they are.

If you present yourself as a victim you may activate predatory feelings present in all human beings.

You are a man with the soul of a man! Focus on that. Live your life true to your nature which is kind, Giving, considerate and modest. The next person who asks if you are gay should get a casual response like. "Of course I'm sure you guessed long ago." " I was planning to come out anyway but not Ann Landers here seems to think I neede some help!" Some of them may be reaching out to you.

Soulforce is a great source of affirmation. Your Neighbor may be gay too and now has very fearful confused feelings and may be sensitive to your decline to open up. How you deal with him should be done with care. He sounds manipulative. Your neighbors will recognise his remarks about your intimacy as inappropriate.

Picture youself walking in your neighborhood on a beautiful day. Your neighbors are your friends who are now closer to you and more accepting because they see all of you. Worthy, gentle, Considerate, Handsome, Young, and titilatingly forbidden to the women. Now smile at the shining light your soul projects frim in the knowledge that God created you to experience joy by living true to you nature and to love another of his gay children who needs you!

[paulee]

LORD HAVE MERCY!!!!
THANK YOU......
God I wish I met people like you and the others that are writing these up- lifting, beautiful messages I am reading. ty
paul

[BrianB]

I'm so sorry that you were outed.:( It isn't fair...but it happened. Just remember that you are the same person you have always been. Don't take on stereotypes that people may want to put on you. Show them that nothing has changed about you.

It is your choice who you come out to from now. You have that power. It is scary to come out but is also very freeing. If you choose not to come out any more than you have already been outed, that is okay too. It should be your choice and timing; not someone else's. This forum is here for you. I will pray for you. You are not alone.

[Daniel]

Paul,

I know it may sound strange, but the day may come where you are thankful for being outed. Yeah. Having it happen the way it did wasn't fun, nice or right. Not for a second. But as bad as you feel about the person who came on to you and then turned on you, that person has given you a gift.

Think of it: how much longer would you have gone with not being open about being gay? A year? Two? Ten? A lifetime? That can't be any good, can it? The pressure of keeping something like that hidden takes tremendous energy, energy which could be put into something else, like a relationship. ;)

In the long run, being open about who you are is going to free you up. That's not to say that you won't have some bumps in the road. You will. But I bet you will find that your life has just changed for the better.

[Dash]

You are a man with the soul of a man! Focus on that. Live your life true to your nature which is kind, Giving, considerate and modest. The next person who asks if you are gay should get a casual response like. "Of course I'm sure you guessed long ago." " I was planning to come out anyway but not Ann Landers here seems to think I neede some help!" Some of them may be reaching out to you.

...

Picture youself walking in your neighborhood on a beautiful day. Your neighbors are your friends who are now closer to you and more accepting because they see all of you. Worthy, gentle, Considerate, Handsome, Young, and titilatingly forbidden to the women. Now smile at the shining light your soul projects frim in the knowledge that God created you to experience joy by living true to you nature and to love another of his gay children who needs you!

I LOVE these responses and the lovely encouragement of how to visualize oneself. :)

Paul...I hope that you are able to transform this scary moment into a powerful healing event. Wow! What an auspicious event in your life! Not fun...surely...but oh so wonderful, if you can own it. :love:

[Zerbie]

Hi Paul, Welcome. I'm glad you found this forum. You've already gotten responses from several of our compassionate awesome forum dudes.

I really have nothing to add to what they've said except welcome, and best wishes.

[BrentRichards]

Hi Paul ... I'm from Wilkes-Barre originally myself ... lots of family still up that way.

I also can't add much more to the wonderful comments you've had from others here, except to say "me too." We're here for you, you're a-ok with us!

[d_pedr]

Paul

my prayers are with you.:pray::pray::pray:

Your friend was wrong to out you before you were ready to do it yourself.
Whether or not you remain friends may not matter, but please remember forgiveness isn't a easy thing its a work of the will, and whenever we leave forgiveness 'till later, it hurts us not them, as we get so bitter, and that eats us up.

I was outed at college - some said I was bi, some gay, and then promptly put back in the closet by the Christian Union committee, who made sure I was kept busy with other things that kept sexual relationships at bay (mostly safety in numbers)!
It would have been easier for them to realise that I was already doing that and to help me work out how I really felt - maybe a-sexual - as I adored the beauty of the human form, but did nothing about it, and kept a 'safe' distance in all my relationships.

Later, I remember before I was engaged to my ex-wife, that we discussed our feelings openly, often joking what to do if we both fancied the same guy, but when she came to fancy another, she kept him secret.

We cannot stop people having wrong impressions that some gay people are a threat to youngsters, but we need to try to educate them that the very few (comparitively) who are a threat to youngsters come from all walks of life, gay, straight, geeks...etc etc, and that nearly all the rest of us are a benefit to society of all ages. Not an easy task, as there's several generations of brainwashing to undo.

I like you find it difficult to be open about my sexuality, due to some of those in authority over the work I do with young people having those wrong impressions.

love and hugs

[Pablo Rafael]

I will just take this opportunity to say "hi" from one "Paul" to another.

I can't offer any great words of wisdom, but I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

When I was younger I tried very hard to hide my sexual orientation from everyone (including myself). I think of how life might have been different if I had come out when I was younger. It would have been difficult, but also would have allowed me the freedom to be who I really was. I didn't really come to peace with the idea myself until I was in my forties.

Just keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you no matter what people think. Those who really love you will continue to do so. Those who have a problem with you being gay need to be educated. The problem is theirs not yours.

The people here are a kind and supportive group. Please feel free to talk whenever you want.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Gennee]

Hi, Paul. I'm sorry that you were outted. Now that it's out in the open, just keep on being you. Your real friends will love and support you no matter. You have my support, too.

Gennee

:):)

[tymejumper]

hi everyone,
I am feeling bad and I do not have anyone to talk to, so I hope it is ok to talk to forum. I am a firm believer in " I am a human first and what I do and how I treat people is who I am".That is what I want to be known for. I do not want to be known as Paul the homo or the bi one that is how people will see me. I do not tell anyone because it is no ones business. I want to live life, be part of life and enjoy life, If I chose to tell someone it is my choice and no one else. Is that wrong?
I was outed because I turned someone down. This friend made a pass to me to see if I would bite or come on to him. One day, he was helping me to fix my computer and he got nosy and clicked into something on my computer. He would always bragged how gay friendly he is, how many gay friends he has and how he supports the whole gay thing ( he said this not me). Now get this....his wife is looking for a girlfriend, because she is bi, one would think that he would understand. After the computer thing, this friend and his wife began to ask me so many gay questions ( god I hate that, I feel like it is a tally mark for a blender ) I went to their apt and they were trying to get me to come out to them. I guess it was my duty to come out to them, I guess it was their right... I did not say anything. I just let it roll and went on my marry way. Then this friend tried to come on to me and I told him politely I did not want to about the subject about his monster penis and how good he is!!!! well I just played it off. A week after he turned on me and accused me of something and he was afraid for his family and had to protect his two year old child......he told my neighbors that I was gay and told them how he found dirty pictures of men on my computer and how wrong it was. This guy was mad because I did not come out to him. My neighbors had the nerve to ask me is this true and that I am gay. For the love of god, I had to explain to myself to my neighbors. Forget about all the work I do for the homeless, for the children, churches and many other things I do to help make a change. Now I feel like a second citizen and I feel sooooo vailated ( sorry my spelling ) Now people are looking and talking to me funny. MY GOD!!! they even call their kids away from me. I want to hide. Well I just wanted to share this with you and thank you.
Paul

I too have been outted. Unfortunately it was my ex-husband who is TG that did it! Talk about betrayal! I completely understand as it would seem that another gay person would understand how dangeous and terrible it is to be outted to someone not of our choosing. I told him I could not forgive him for a long time and he stated that "just becuase you have decided to come out of the closet, doesnt mean I have to go into one and not be onest with others". I am lucky that my neighbors are very accepting and it helps that another lesbian couple live one one side of us and the people on the other side have two lesbian daughters. I think the best damage control now for you is to just continue to be yourself and confront it head on. Ask your neighbors how this changes the person you are. Tell them you are gay and this is the exact reason you chose not to come out to them is their reaction. It may take them a bit of time but I bet some will come around. It may be posible also that they are not upset by yor being gay, bt so not exactly know how to act. Sometimes people will over compensate by being nervous and strange around you because they do not know how to act and are afraid of being thought a bigot.

Rebekah

[alakazoom87]

hi everyone,
I am feeling bad and I do not have anyone to talk to, so I hope it is ok to talk to forum. I am a firm believer in " I am a human first and what I do and how I treat people is who I am".That is what I want to be known for. I do not want to be known as Paul the homo or the bi one that is how people will see me. I do not tell anyone because it is no ones business. I want to live life, be part of life and enjoy life, If I chose to tell someone it is my choice and no one else. Is that wrong?
I was outed because I turned someone down. This friend made a pass to me to see if I would bite or come on to him. One day, he was helping me to fix my computer and he got nosy and clicked into something on my computer. He would always bragged how gay friendly he is, how many gay friends he has and how he supports the whole gay thing ( he said this not me). Now get this....his wife is looking for a girlfriend, because she is bi, one would think that he would understand. After the computer thing, this friend and his wife began to ask me so many gay questions ( god I hate that, I feel like it is a tally mark for a blender ) I went to their apt and they were trying to get me to come out to them. I guess it was my duty to come out to them, I guess it was their right... I did not say anything. I just let it roll and went on my marry way. Then this friend tried to come on to me and I told him politely I did not want to about the subject about his monster penis and how good he is!!!! well I just played it off. A week after he turned on me and accused me of something and he was afraid for his family and had to protect his two year old child......he told my neighbors that I was gay and told them how he found dirty pictures of men on my computer and how wrong it was. This guy was mad because I did not come out to him. My neighbors had the nerve to ask me is this true and that I am gay. For the love of god, I had to explain to myself to my neighbors. Forget about all the work I do for the homeless, for the children, churches and many other things I do to help make a change. Now I feel like a second citizen and I feel sooooo vailated ( sorry my spelling ) Now people are looking and talking to me funny. MY GOD!!! they even call their kids away from me. I want to hide. Well I just wanted to share this with you and thank you.
Paul

Your "friend" is crazy!