Emotional Junkyard

[tpdncr4christ]

So basically today, three of my friends came to me and entrusted me with embarrassing, and heart felt, or well kept secrets and I feel sort of like an Emotional Junkyard. Do any of you have any good advice for dealing with dealing with the crap other people lay on you? I'm not gonna blab, they can trust me, I just want to know what I do about it... Who do I get to tell my secrets to? And what do I do with the secrets I know?

[BrentRichards]

A couple of suggestions ... I've been a therapist (actually, trying to get back into the MH field now, too), and I've always been one of those people that gets unloaded on ... the second is decidedly harder to deal with, since you have a personal connection to those folks, more so than to a client who is coming to see you in a professional context.

1. Do take the confidences seriously, as you obviously are doing. Breaking confidences (even for your own perceived mental health) won't end up making you feel any better.

2. Be glad you're a believer in God ... tell him what you're thinking and feeling about it. He's a good keeper of confidences.

3. In mental health, counselors have "staffings" and "consultations" in which they can process this stuff without breaking confidentiality ... the other professionals are equally bound by confidentiality. In personal life, this isn't built in, but it can be valuable ... this is not saying "find someone to tell all the secrets to." It is saying, find someone you can process your own feelings with in a general way. If you can process your feelings without going into specifics about what secrets you've been told, good. But, discussing a situation is not breaking confidence, provided the person you're discussing it with cannot identify who you are talking about. Sometimes, you'll be able to tell them about what has been told to you in a way that absolutely protects the identity of the person who talked to you. If not, stick to generalities, but process your own feelings about the issues, and about being the "go to" guy. This needs to be a trustworthy person, obviously. I don't generally recommend doing this in writing ... especially email. You never know where something written down may end up, and it could (even accidentally) come back to hurt you or someone who confided in you.

4. After I've just told you not to write it down, my next piece of advice is, write it down. Journaling can be helpful. Just be sure your journal is secure, or destroy your writing after you've gotten it "out."

5. If it's really weighing on you, consider talking to a counselor yourself ... not necessarily a "pro" ... a trusted clergy person with counseling experience, or someone like that, may be what you need. Again, a relationship where confidentiality is absolute is important.

Take care of yourself while you take care of others, chief!

[scott snedeker]

I have come to understand compassion for another's suffering to be offering affirmation to them that they are entitled to be treated better. "You are too worhty a person to be treated that way" for example. Or "You certainly have the right to be pissed"

It's easy to try to be sympathetic but that brings you down. Sympathy means feeling another's pain while compassion means understanding another's pain. Some people thrive on sympathy. These folks though not evil can become emotional parasites and just drain you. Sometimes you may have to summon the courage to disappoint them in order to avoid sacrificing your well being.

Secrets are information trusted. Some one who tells you a secret about himself is risking that you will reject them, for the chance that they will get acceptance and affirmation of a part of them that feels vulnerable. I would recommend being real. If you feel like a secret is not heavy you might say "that's no big deal! Do you think that makes you any less likeable? I sure don't" Or if it is heavy and you don't know how you feel about it then give yourself time to think about it by saying something like. "Wow that's complicated! "

When it's a secret one of my friends tells about another I reply with a neutral affirming nessage like "You sure don't derserve the way this worked out for you. I wish things could have been better." prevents me from having to choose a side while showing compassion.

Who can you tell secrets to? Only the one whom you can trust with something that makes you feel vulnerable.

[andrewlittle]

Austin, the goal of being a "listener" is not to bear the weight of those you listen to, but rather to allow them to divest themselves of the weight they have been carrying. Much easier to say, sometimes, than to do.

It may be rationalization, but I do not conceive of myself as a recepticle of other people's thoughts and struggles and secrets. In listening, you are providing a beautiful, powerful witness (and I mean this in the positive sense of the word) to the love of God for them. Consider yourself, however, as a conduit. You are a channel through which these friends can bear their souls to the living God and, when they are done, allow the information to pass into the palms of God's hands.

You can't forget what you have heard, but you can be intentional about not "remembering". Theologically, Jesus bore the weight of human frailty and separation from God - absorbed into his very being and neutralized it for all of God's children. As Christians we are called to be Christlike, but not Christ (job is already taken). You can be a conduit for people to offload their weighty baggage to the savior Christ, but to be true to that effort, you also have to finish the process by which you pass it on to the One who can bear the pain and suffering for them.

Whatever helps you to do that - all of the suggestions are good ones - remember it is incumbent on you to finish the task you undertake in faith. It does no one good if you simply become the storehouse of secrets, especially you. Become the transporter of secrets - sending them on to Christ because the people sharing with you are not in a place to do that for themselves. It is your love and lightness that draws them, and those characteristics will slowly disappear under the weight of secrets if you try to carry them yourself.

[u-dog]

Austin,

I second everything that has already been said. Just a few thoughts of my own.

1. Remember that you can't "solve" their problems for them and that isn't what they want from you anyhow. they need you to recieve, honor, and hold (lightly with open hands) their vulnerability. They need you to love them in spite of what you know about them. To bear witness to them that they are lovable "as is". I find it not at all surprising that they have come to you for this. Were I 18 and in your circle I definately would.

2. Pray for them. I say this for your sake rather than theirs so much. After all, God already knows what they need. but when you pray for them you take the weight of their issues and transfer it to Christ (as Andy so aptly put it) and that is where it belongs. It will also assist you in loving them in the way that Christ does and in the way that they need you to.

3. Use your art. Brent suggests writing a journal, and thats good, but you are a poet to your core. Let the poet process all of the toxic emotions that your friends have shared with you.

4. remember that what they have shared with you is a precious gift.

Dave

[Daniel]

There is a spiritual practice to deal with this sort of thing called Tonglen. One breaths in the suffering of others, oneself etc, and breaths out light and love.

The mind of the practioner may think "why should I take on the suffering of others?' But one eventually sees that it is the response to suffering that is important. To give it to one is to give it to everyone. And to one's self.

[Zerbie]

You've gotten good advice and suggestions here Austin! Man!! I wish I'd had this website when I was 19!

I was in my mid-20s before I figured out how not to get everyone's emotionl traumas embedded in me.

Journalling is good, and I second (third?) the rec. But it may not be enough if your energy is still holding on to theirs. I used to journal daily, but negative energy still clung to me. People used to (and sometimes still do) confide all KINDS of things in me, and the journalling was not enough. I did as below:

Prayer is even better. I suggest intentionally releasing to God any heavy or negative energy (junk energy) that is riding with you, ESPECIALLY if it is not your own. That intention will likely do the trick for you. You might even light a candle in your room while you pray and think of the fire from the candle as symbolically burning the junk away while you release it.

Another thing you might try is incorporating physical movement as a means of psycho-somatic release - dance it out, or run it out - again with the intention that you are clearing the junk energy from your system.

Then replace that space the junk was taking with something light and positive. Prayer is good again, here.

[Zerbie]

There is a spiritual practice to deal with this sort of thing called Tonglen. One breaths in the the suffering of others, oneself etc, and breaths out light and love.

The mind of the practioner may think "why should I take on the suffering of others?' But one eventually sees that it is the response to suffering that is important. To give it to one is to give it to everyone.

Actually, I don't understand. Breathes IN suffering, intentionally? And you don't breathe it OUT? Where do you put it then? I don't understand how this isn't going to cause serious problems.

[scott snedeker]

I wish I had your flair and spirit!

I'm insanely envious!

[Zerbie]

I wish I had your flair and spirit!

I'm insanely envious!

Aw c'mon Mister Faerie - what do you have to be jealous of?

[BrentRichards]

I wish I had your flair and spirit!

I'm insanely envious!

And I often wish I had your MD ... so we're even! [Besides, I've not exactly gotten a "flairless" or "spiritless" impression of you!]

[scott snedeker]

There is a spiritual practice to deal with this sort of thing called Tonglen. One breaths in the suffering of others, oneself etc, and breaths out light and love.

The mind of the practioner may think "why should I take on the suffering of others?' But one eventually sees that it is the response to suffering that is important. To give it to one is to give it to everyone. And to one's self.


Very much like the teaching of my Reiki master hmmmmm:cool:

[rainbow7]

I am pasting a link to an audio cassette called "On the Meaning of Suffering and the Mystery of Joy" in which the author Alice Walker and Pema Chodron converse about Tonglen. Chodron is a Tibetan Bhuddist nun Walker met in her travels. I used this resource in a paper I wrote a couple of years ago; I thought it explained the practice very clearly.

Most meditation practices focus on breathing. In Tonglen, the practicioner's breath becomes the medium for transforming pain and suffering.

Do you know the film, "The Green Mile," based (I think) on a Stephen King book? A death row inmate who seems like a Christ figure breathes in bad stuff and people are miraculously healed......but I can't remember exactly what he does with it after he sucks it in.

Here is the link to the audio tape:

http://www.amazon.com/Pema-Chodron-Alice-Walker-Conversation/dp/1591793920/ref=sr_1_1/104-5897966-6539162?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1181956910&sr=1-1

Polly

[Jennifer5]

Hun, you can always talk to me... that is if you're willing... I don't know any of your other friends and what-ever you say to me ends with me.. :love:

[Daniel]

Actually, I don't understand. Breathes IN suffering, intentionally? And you don't breathe it OUT? Where do you put it then? I don't understand how this isn't going to cause serious problems.

Is suffering a thing? A black horrible thing that will infect one? A substance? Is the darkeness of a room bad? No. It's just dark until one turns the llight on.

It can't hurt one.

You breath it in. Consciously. First you start with your own pain and suffering. You breath it in and then breath out blessing, holy light, radiance, joy, happiness and peace to yourself. Then you extend the practice to others only after you have done this for yourself. (You can't give what you don't have. ;))

It teaches one that the only response to suffering is compassion. Anything less than creates more suffering.

I believe it encapsulates the scripture: "Pray without ceasing"

The practice can also be viewed from a modern- abet psychological- pespective: you can't change what you aren't aware of. And the practice makes one very aware.


~

Thanks Polly. The link says it all.

[Zerbie]

Is suffering a thing? A black horrible thing that will infect one? A substance? Is the darkeness of a room bad? No. It's just dark until one turns the llight on.

It can't hurt one.

You breath it in. Consciously. First you start with your own pain and suffering. You breath it in and then breath out blessing, holy light, radiance, joy, happiness and peace to yourself. Then you extend the practice to others only after you have done this for yourself. (You can't give what you don't have. ;))

It teaches one that the only response to suffering is compassion. Anything less than creates more suffering.

I believe it encapsulates the scripture: "Pray without ceasing"

The practice can also be viewed from a modern- abet psychological- pespective: you can't change what you aren't aware of. And the practice makes one very aware.


~

Thanks Polly. The link says it all.

I've spent most of my life getting sorrow and suffering stuck in me so much that it infects even when my life is wonderful and I should be happy and joyful - yes, we need to release heavy energy and not hold on to it. Without positive energy we become ineffectual, weak, depressive, and spread that negativity around to others.

I cannot see how intentionally taking it IN can do anything but cause problems. The critical point is what one does with it once it's in, and how to get it OUT. I would have to assume this meditation involves getting it OUT somehow.

I spent about a decade with other peoples' suffering lodged in my body, and because of that, I was helpless to help anyone, including myself. I was problem to everyone around me because of that energy I was carrying.

I bet there's more to it: I'll check out this link above Rainbow provided.

[Zerbie]

Okay so now I'm replying to my own post. :)

I spent a few minutes searching around google on Tonglen and read the descriptions on a few sites until I found one that gave me a clearer and more detailed picture of how the practice is done. I liked this one::dove:

http://www.nonduality.com/tonglen.htm

My earlier thought was that the practice involves transforming the negativity that gets taken in, which is apparently correct. But to me that says a really advanced practice. Some sites I visited described the practice as a way of developing awareness and compassion in such ways that it sounded more like a beginning practice. So I am still confused as to whether or not a "young" practitioner ought to take this on. What about the tendency that some have to "hold" energies, as I certainly did? Could a beginner avoid "holding" in Tonglen?

Sorry. Am I hijacking the thread? Daniel, we could take this PM if you prefer.

[rainbow7]

[QUOTE=Zerbie;32397]Okay so now I'm replying to my own post. :)

I spent a few minutes searching around google on Tonglen and read the descriptions on a few sites until I found one that gave me a clearer and more detailed picture of how the practice is done. I liked this one::dove:

http://www.nonduality.com/tonglen.htm

My earlier thought was that the practice involves transforming the negativity that gets taken in, which is apparently correct. But to me that says a really advanced practice. Some sites I visited described the practice as a way of developing awareness and compassion in such ways that it sounded more like a beginning practice. So I am still confused as to whether or not a "young" practitioner ought to take this on. What about the tendency that some have to "hold" energies, as I certainly did? Could a beginner avoid "holding" in Tonglen?

QUOTE]

IMHO it is good to have a trusted teacher, mentor, or support group when you begin a new spiritual path/practice. It seems to me that many people, especially millenium generation people, frequently learn as much through 'outsight' as through insight. If you get a chance, listen to the audio tape I listed above; I thought it was really good.
Polly

[rainbow7]

[QUOTE=Zerbie;32397]Okay so now I'm replying to my own post. :)

I spent a few minutes searching around google on Tonglen and read the descriptions on a few sites until I found one that gave me a clearer and more detailed picture of how the practice is done. I liked this one::dove:

http://www.nonduality.com/tonglen.htm

My earlier thought was that the practice involves transforming the negativity that gets taken in, which is apparently correct. But to me that says a really advanced practice. Some sites I visited described the practice as a way of developing awareness and compassion in such ways that it sounded more like a beginning practice. So I am still confused as to whether or not a "young" practitioner ought to take this on. What about the tendency that some have to "hold" energies, as I certainly did? Could a beginner avoid "holding" in Tonglen?

QUOTE]

IMHO it is good to have a trusted teacher, mentor, or support group when you begin a new spiritual path/practice. It seems to me that many people, especially millenium generation people, frequently learn as much through 'outsight' as through insight. If you get a chance, listen to the audio tape I listed above; I thought it was really good.
Polly

I don't know what I did, but the "quote" option didn't work right. Sorry for the confusion!
Polly

[Zerbie]

[QUOTE=Zerbie;32397]Okay so now I'm replying to my own post. :)

I spent a few minutes searching around google on Tonglen and read the descriptions on a few sites until I found one that gave me a clearer and more detailed picture of how the practice is done. I liked this one::dove:

http://www.nonduality.com/tonglen.htm

My earlier thought was that the practice involves transforming the negativity that gets taken in, which is apparently correct. But to me that says a really advanced practice. Some sites I visited described the practice as a way of developing awareness and compassion in such ways that it sounded more like a beginning practice. So I am still confused as to whether or not a "young" practitioner ought to take this on. What about the tendency that some have to "hold" energies, as I certainly did? Could a beginner avoid "holding" in Tonglen?

QUOTE]

IMHO it is good to have a trusted teacher, mentor, or support group when you begin a new spiritual path/practice. It seems to me that many people, especially millenium generation people, frequently learn as much through 'outsight' as through insight. If you get a chance, listen to the audio tape I listed above; I thought it was really good.
Polly

Yeah, my sense was it might be something not to jump into without guidance. :)

I missed an audio tape - I thought it was an amazon book review. Will look again, I saw a lot of links and etc on the site which I did not engage.

[rainbow7]

Zerbie, it sounds as if you have some familiarity with other spiritual practices....I was just wondering about your experience with any other types of meditation...? What have you found that helps you?

Polly

[Zerbie]

Zerbie, it sounds as if you have some familiarity with other spiritual practices....I was just wondering about your experience with any other types of meditation...? What have you found that helps you?

Polly

I was mentored and trained by a strong yogi with an advanced 40-year practice.

In addition to mentorship with a strong teacher, I received a mantra.

[Daniel]

Apologies to Mr. Happy Feet for hijacking his thread!

~

Zerbie- I first read of Tonglen in The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. It's a great book for many reasons.

He writes about the practice on pages 201- 208. The practice does have 'stages', but this isn't as big a deal as it sounds.

Rinpoche describes the main practice is this way.


In the Tonglen practice of giving and receiving, we take on, through compassion, all the various mental and physical sufferings of all beings: their fear, frustration, pain, anger, guilt, bitterness, doubt, and rage, and we give them, through lve, all our happiness, and well-being, peace of mind, healing and fullfillment.

As one does this one imagines the pain and anger etc of another person (of one's self) as a grimy black smoke which goes to the core of one's self-grasping nature in the heart where it..

"destroys completely all traces of self-cherishing, thereby purifying all your negative karma. One then imagines that one's Bodhicitta, or enlightened mind, is revealed, and one breaths out "brilliant, cooling light of peace, joy happiness, and ultimate well-being to your friend in pain, and that its rays are purifying all their negative karma."

One also imagines that the Bodhicitta that is revealed transforms one's heart..

"your whole body and being itself, into a dazzling wish-fufilling jewel, a jewel that can grant the desires and wishes of everyone, and provide exactly what he or she longs for and needs. True compassion is the wish-fullfilling jewel because it has the inherent power to give precisely to each being whatever that being most needs, and so alleviate his or her suffering, and bring about his or her true fullfillment."

The author addresses your concern in the following way.


The Holy Secret

You may be asking yourself this question: "If I take in the suffering and pain of others, won't I risk harming myself?" If you feel at all hesitent, and feel that you don't yet have the strength or courage of compassion to do the practice of Tonglen wholeheartedly, don't worry. Just imagine yourself doing it. saying in your mind. "As I breathe in, I am taking on the suffering of my friend or others, and as I breathe out, I am giving him or them happiness and peace." Just simply doing this might create the climate in your mind that could inspire you to begin practicing Tonglen directly.

If you feel at all hesitant or unable to do the full practice, you can also do Tonglen in the form of a simply prayer, deeply aspiring to help beings. You might pray for example: "May I be able to take on the suffering of others; may I be able to give my well-being and happiness to them." Thei prayer wil create auspicious conditions for the awakening of your power to do Tonglen in the future.

The one thing you should know fo certain is that the only thing that Tonglen could harm is the one thing that has been harming you the most: you own ego, you self-grasping, self-cherishing mind, which is the root of suffering. For it you practice Tonglen as often as possible, this self-grasping will get weaker and weaker, and your true nature, compassion, will be given a chance to emerge more and more strongly. The stronger and greater your compassion, the stronger and greater you fearlessness and confidence. So compassion reveals itself yet again as your greatest resource and your greatest protection. As Shantiveda says:

Whoever wishes to quickly afford protection
To both himself and others
Should practice that holy secret:
The exchanging of self for others.

Shantiveda was a 7th Century poet who wrote THE WAY OF THE BODHISATTVA. He might have well said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

And we know who said that. ;)

The snippets that I've quotes here aren't, or shouldn't be, the basis for one to begin Tonglen: One should get the book for that. That said, it really isn't complicated or difficult. Like everything that is worth doing, it simply takes practice.

Once one gets the lingo of Buddhism, the matter becomes quite simple.

[BrianB]

I would like to make an analogy about Tonglen to see if I'm understanding it correctly. Please correct me if I'm wrong or let me know if I'm on the right track.

When someone is bitten by a poisonous snake they are given anti-venom to counteract the poison. The anti-venom is made from the venom that caused the sickness in the first place. In Tonglen you take in the badness/negativety to release it back into the world as positive energy and light. The practice of Tonglen is like the process of turning venom into anti-venom. Am I on the right track?

[Daniel]

When someone is bitten by a poisonous snake they are given anti-venom to counteract the poison. The anti-venom is made from the venom that caused the sickness in the first place. In Tonglen you take in the badness/negativety to release it back into the world as positive energy and light. The practice of Tonglen is like the process of turning venom into anti-venom. Am I on the right track?

I like the directness of your analogy. Has a lot of bite to it. :eek::love::D

[ladyinred]

If we take on the burdens and suffering of others that means we get weighted down with the suffering. We must learn that we have control over only one person ourselves and to release that burden when we try to do too much and take on the responsibilities and problems of others.We can't alleviate suffering by taking on everyone else's , we must instead show compassion and understanding toward them. Since I'm a big fan of inner bonding there are some great articles on that at it's website. When I meditate or quiet my mind, there are times when I've heard that inner voice say "lighten up"(It has also told me to let go of the complex and keep to the simple)

[Zerbie]

Apologies to Mr. Happy Feet for hijacking his thread!

~

Zerbie- I first read of Tonglen in The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. It's a great book for many reasons.

He writes about the practice on pages 201- 208. The practice does have 'stages', but this isn't as big a deal as it sounds.

Rinpoche describes the main practice is this way.



As one does this one imagines the pain and anger etc of another person (of one's self) as a grimy black smoke which goes to the core of one's self-grasping nature in the heart where it..



One also imagines that the Bodhicitta that is revealed transforms one's heart..



The author addresses your concern in the following way.



Shantiveda was a 7th Century poet who wrote THE WAY OF THE BODHISATTVA. He might have well said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

And we know who said that. ;)

The snippets that I've quotes here aren't, or shouldn't be, the basis for one to begin Tonglen: One should get the book for that. That said, it really isn't complicated or difficult. Like everything that is worth doing, it simply takes practice.

Once one gets the lingo of Buddhism, the matter becomes quite simple.

Thank you, Daniel.
:love:

[rainbow7]

If we take on the burdens and suffering of others that means we get weighted down with the suffering. We must learn that we have control over only one person ourselves and to release that burden when we try to do too much and take on the responsibilities and problems of others.We can't alleviate suffering by taking on everyone else's , we must instead show compassion and understanding toward them.

I think it is important to be clear about what is meant by "taking on" (the suffering of others). In my work as a psychotherapist, I must acknowledge that my understanding of another's experience is limited; therefore what enables me to be compassionate is to be fully present to another in the moment, suspending, to the degree I am able, my own agenda and literally "feeling with" the other. While doing this, I cannot help but take on their suffering in the moment. The more distance I maintain, the less "held" the person feels. One doesn't have to be a therapist to do this, though; anyone can offer the gift of presence to one who is in pain. I think Jesus did it all the time! Sometimes the faith language used to describe this is "walking with" another. I also think of it as joining. Psychoanalysts like Wilfred Bion, Ann and Barry Ulanov suggested this was indeed a mystical experience, suspending the subjective elements of memory and desire in order to be fully present to another. It is the giving of this presence itself that can function transformatively and lead to healing. I "take on" the suffering and burdens of another only in the moment; at the end of the 50 minutes I endeavor to let go, in order to make myself available to someone or something else.

Sometimes I have to do a lot of conscious work (including breathing!) to accomplish this, but I understand this as similar to the Tonglen practice, in that my willingness to "take in" the negative and my commitment to letting go is part of what transforms the negative to positive and helps to open the space in which healing can take place. Feminist theologian Nelle Morton talked about "hearing another to speech." When we tell our story to another who is willing to listen and be intentionally present, we can sometimes let go of some of the pain carried in the story. We find our voice when we are heard to speech, and telling one's story is an essential part of the healing journey.

Polly

[rainbow7]

So basically today, three of my friends came to me and entrusted me with embarrassing, and heart felt, or well kept secrets and I feel sort of like an Emotional Junkyard. Do any of you have any good advice for dealing with dealing with the crap other people lay on you? I'm not gonna blab, they can trust me, I just want to know what I do about it... Who do I get to tell my secrets to? And what do I do with the secrets I know?

U-dog suggested that by sharing their deepest truths with you, your friends were giving you a gift, and I think this is often true. Undoubtedly your friends believe they can trust you with their heartfelt secrets, or they would not have shared them with you. I imagine that they not only feel secure in the knowledge that you will keep their confidences, but also that they know you will be accepting and not judgmental of them. We hold most of our secrets about ourselves because we fear the judgment of others. Your friends feel accepted by you; that says volumes about the sort of friend you are.

The "gifts" of their secrets can become burdens to you, of course, if you "take on" their pain and do not intentionally "let go" of it again. Responsible pastors, therapists, counselors -- anyone in the helping professions -- have supervisors we talk to regularly for just this purpose. We don't always share all the details of the painful stories we are carrying; we don't need to share all the details in order to be supported. Do you have another friend who doesn't know these friends, that you could say something like "I feel anxious and overwhelmed by the things people have shared with me today, and I just need you to listen to how I'm feeling."
This needs to be a friend you really trust, who won't press you to disclose the details, but will just mirror and reflect what you're experiencing. It seems to me that by sharing your feelings on this forum, you have already taken this step. Others responded by empathizing and letting you know they had had similar experiences. They didn't need to know the content of the secrets in order to do that.

Polly

p.s. I resonate with your term "emotional junkyard" -- an apt description of what I believe I have experienced sometimes after a day of listening to a lot of stories of painful suffering! You have to take care of yourself.

[u-dog]

Your friends feel accepted by you; that says volumes about the sort of friend you are.

It does indeed!

Do you have another friend who doesn't know these friends, that you could say something like "I feel anxious and overwhelmed by the things people have shared with me today, and I just need you to listen to how I'm feeling."
This needs to be a friend you really trust, who won't press you to disclose the details, but will just mirror and reflect what you're experiencing. It seems to me that by sharing your feelings on this forum, you have already taken this step. Others responded by empathizing and letting you know they had had similar experiences. They didn't need to know the content of the secrets in order to do that.

He has all of us of course, and Austin uses us for this purpose regularly. But it would be good to have someone in R/L who could also fill this role. After all, when talking about "presence" it is somewhat helpful for the person to be "present".


Polly