More Advice

[tpdncr4christ]

I'm sure some of you remember my friend who just came out to me, the one who I didn't think was gay but it turns out he was... yeah, well, I need more help. We have been talking and he's been talking to our drama teacher, who majored in psychology, and he decided it was a good time to tell some of his other friends. He told a girl, and she was ok with it, but he told his best guy friend and things didn't go so well... He has the black eye to prove it. I think he is more worried about the hateful words exchanged though... what do I do? I've never been in a situation where I haven't been accepted before, so I have no clue... help!:confused:

[BrentRichards]

I'm sure some of you remember my friend who just came out to me, the one who I didn't think was gay but it turns out he was... yeah, well, I need more help. We have been talking and he's been talking to our drama teacher, who majored in psychology, and he decided it was a good time to tell some of his other friends. He told a girl, and she was ok with it, but he told his best guy friend and things didn't go so well... He has the black eye to prove it. I think he is more worried about the hateful words exchanged though... what do I do? I've never been in a situation where I haven't been accepted before, so I have no clue... help!:confused:

Sigh. Are you saying his friend actually hit him? Not a metaphorical black eye? Personally, I'd press charges, but he might not want to do that, and I wouldn't push him to. Still, he should know it's an option.

There is no good answer to this, except to say that it's normal. Some people will cope, some won't. Painful as it will be, the best course is to give those who can't cope some distance. Hopefully, they'll come around. But until and unless they do, he doesn't need them in his life. What is particularly tough, though, is that at least one person he would likely have turned to for support is the cause of this pain. Not only does he need to cope with the pain, he also needs to find someone new to stand with him through it ... double whammy.

Advice for you is, don't be overly concerned with knowing what to say. Sometimes, "I don't know what to say" is the best thing to say! Be there, and perhaps introduce him to others you know will be supportive.

Glad a trusted teacher is involved. It may still be wise for him to talk with a professional counselor, especially if his natural friend base and support system starts to erode.

[u-dog]

I'm really sorry that your friend has had this experience! It sucks and there are no two ways about it. He has not only had his own worse fears about himself confirmed but he has lost someone who was dear to him and worst of all has discovered that that person , in a sense, never actually existed. I would imagine that his major emotion is grief.

There is really nothing to say in the face of this kind of loss. Presence is the most important thing you can bring. It will not be helpful to say things like "what a jerk!" or "you're better off without him" because they don't address the loss and grief that he feels.

a more helpful response would be "I am so sorry Bob! that so totally sucks." "thats really gotta hurt!" I imagine you must be feeling really sad and angry." You really didn't deserve to be treated like that!

Also, you could give him a chance to talk about his friendship with the other guy. "How long had you guys been friends? how'd you meet"

You might help him to get some perspective by suggesting that after his friend has time to process the new information he may feel badly about how he reacted and want to put things right. it would be important for your friend not to do anything to slam any doors between them.

These are just random thoughts... kind of unprocessed. What do others think? Ms Purebred? any thoughts?

[rainbow7]

I agree with the random thoughts of U-dog. It's hard to lose a friend for any reason, but in this case your friend must feel devastated, because his friend rejected him simply because he shared who he was.

John Powell, SJ wrote "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? Because if I tell you, you may not like who I am; and that is all I have." If you share an opinion with someone who disagrees with you, they might reject your opinion, but still be your friend. Your friend offered his friend a great gift when he shared his truth, but his friend rejected the gift. All that any of us has to bring to a relationship is the Self that we are.

I also agree, though, that when the rejecting friend has had some time to think, he may realize the consequences of his actions, and he may try to repair the relationship. I pray that the rejecting friend will find the courage to do this, and that the rejected friend will be able to forgive him. Life is too short to throw away the gift of friendship.

Polly

[Daniel]

Don't know the situaton entirely, but your friend's 'best friend' may have taken your friend's coming out personally- and perhaps- fearfully. As if your friend was coming on to him. You never now what is going through people's minds. We think coming out is about us, but its funny how such a personal event can turn into being about someone else. :rolleyes:

There are no right answers with this kind of thing. Sometimes all we can do is be there for the other person, and that doesn't have to involve any words. What's the saying? Showing up is half of life?

I hope your friend and his 'best friend' can patch things up in time. May take some time.

[rainbow7]

He told a girl, and she was ok with it, but he told his best guy friend and things didn't go so well... He has the black eye to prove it. I think he is more worried about the hateful words exchanged though... :

I am curious about why his friend had such a STRONG negative reaction....is it just homophobia? Did he feel angry that he hadn't known before? His behavior seems extreme.

Polly

[u-dog]

Hey Austin!

How about an update on your friend. Anything new? How's he doing? how are you doing with the whole "emotional junkyard" experience?

[Progo35]

My heart truly goes out to your friend. I lost three really good friends, one of whom had been my friend for twenty years, in a one and a half year period between 2004 and 2006, and my heart still hurts very badly over these losses, so I feel like I can really empathize with your friend. I, too, was just with people without the backbone to stand by thier convictions or their friendship, although one of them may come around.

The best advice I can give right now is that you regard this loss as being like a death for your friend. The loss of a best friend due to their attitude is a heartbreaking experience, even worse because the person is stil alive and just treats you like crap or wants nothing to do with you. Moreover, there is always the hope that that friend will see the light, and maybe they will, but that can make closer all the more difficult. Secondly, I recommend that you do your best to encourage and help your friend make new ones who can really support and love him.

One of the things that has always meant a lot to me is when someone checks in with me-just to see how I am-without me going to them first. It just feels good to know that that other person is thinking about you and that they do not see your confidence as a burden.

Also, if possible, I recommend calling him to do something fun in a group-like to go see a movie or out to eat-which is something fun to take his mind off everything.

Do what you feel comfortable with, don't be afraid to set boundaries but make it clear that your "in his corner" so to speak. I will be praying for your friend. God is close to the brokenhearted.