ladyinred
06-21-2007, 01:10 AM
We all need to learn something from this:http://www.trans4mind.com/counterpoint/relationships1.shtml
This is not the whole article, you will gain alot from going to the site:
MOST OF US RELATE VIOLENTLY TO ONE ANOTHER, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE UNAWARE OF IT, OR MAY THINK WE'RE RELATING ADEQUATELY - IT'S HOW WE'VE BEEN TAUGHT TO RELATE FOR CENTURIES.
Communication is probably the most potent force for good or for harm on the planet. If you use it destructively, you can do great damage. To be a clean and effective communicator takes practice, so I invite you to take in what you can in this article, and then be gentle with yourself as you grow and learn more. I hope that, after reading this article, you'll be inspired to continue to gather more information about how to relate with loving communication.
First of all, what will be presented here may be totally new ways of relating and communicating for you, so it will take a lot more time to integrate it fully and be able to use it as well as you might wish to. However, it's a start. Even if you simply use it to communicate differently one time a day, that's a seed for new possibilities in your life. Be kind and gentle with yourself - give yourself room to grow, and know that if you are reading this, it is because you want to grow and learn loving communication.
ALTHOUGH COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION IS VITAL TO OUR EMOTIONAL WELL BEING AND TO OUR VERY EXISTENCE, the art of communication is one of the most difficult arts to master in life, because it is the Art of "Being Aware of Yourself and your own feelings." We communicate with each other via our words, our emotions, our facial gestures, body language, and our actions. Most of our communication is non-verbal. We take our cue about the meaning of another's communication only 7% from their words, and 93% from their tone of voice. As you all know, when speaking to an animal, what you say doesn't matter. What registers and is responded to is the tone.
Example, the meaning of: "What are you doing?" is totally different when using a gentle tone of voice than when using a harsh tone, using the same words: "What ARE you DOING??!!"
The subject of compassionate communication has a great deal to do with self love, because often our inability to communicate effectively stems from low self esteem, which = a lack of self love. With almost all other arts, it is obvious that to master the skill, you must master the tools. To be come a master communicator, one must learn to master oneself. Unless you master the tools of becoming aware, your communication will probably not serve you well. What you will express to others will be whatever unresolved feelings or issues you have within you. You will also miss what they are wanting and trying to share with you.
Most of the communication styles we've learned are unhealthy. Each of us filters the world through our past experiences, so we often use communication styles modeled by our parents or primary caregivers.
There are 4 basic styles of communication:
1) Aggressive - Often people think that they are responding assertively when they are actually being aggressive. These personalities come on too strong and their energy bombards or pushes at people. Because of life experiences, they are full of hurt, anger, and resentment. They all too often lash out at others or overly defend issues. The aggressive response tends to evoke aggression in others and make the aggressive communicator even more out of control, which further alienates them from others. To be in control is a dominant need for them. Then they feel safe: if they control or push others away, then no one can hurt them.
2) Passive - Passive communicators tend to appear weak and self conscious. Deep down they feel insecure and may experience self doubt. They let themselves get pushed around and say "I'm sorry" for things they didn't do. They radiate a sense of wanting to speak up, but they don't, so there is a feeling around them of unspoken expectations and unmet needs. Being passive perpetuates the cycle of negative thinking toward oneself and one's self image, and self esteem drops even lower.
3) Passive Aggressive - They will say one thing to your face and another behind your back. This is the most insidious of the styles because it is harder to confront and subtler than the other two styles mentioned. They deny responsibility: "I was just joking." Trust is non-existent and these people feed on negativity and gossip. They act in this way to achieve a pseudo sense of control. They find if they can subtly defame another, they are somehow achieving a victory for themselves and they think then that they will look (or feel) better than another.
4) Assertive - The *gold star* of communicators. Their communications are compassionate in their delivery. It is the ability to relay a clear message without blaming, shaming, criticism, or insinuating. They are compassionate listeners. Compassionate listening requires a deep connection that goes beyond the person's words. An assertive communicator gives undivided attention.
Where do you see yourself?
Martin Buber said:
"In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands YOU."
To be a good communicator, first of all you must show up for the conversation. To have a win-win situation in human relationships, where both parties come away feeling good,you must be fully present and wanting to connect with the core essence humanity of the other person. That means wanting to understand their pain, being able to understand or empathize with their joys, their struggles, and to feel compassion for them. You can do this because you also see yourself in their pain, their joys, and their struggles.
An ancient Chinese philosopher once said: "The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another." Do you remember a conversation where you were really trying to get something across to another, and you came away feeling awful, or not heard? It happens all the time. That is not compassionate communication.
Sucker holes to communicating well:
When choosing to be in a conversation with someone, first of all one needs to watch out for:
Becoming mechanical - doing it but not wanting to truly connect.
Being more more interested in doing it correctly than in being there for the other person.
Coming from being patronizing or arrogant (oneupmanship).
Wanting to change or correct someone. The belief that we have to fix people or situations or make others feel better will cause you to relate to others in a harmful way - as if they are a specimen. We get dehumanized by derogatory images of others or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.
The great poet and mystic, Rumi, said: "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there."
Ask yourself before you respond to someone where you're starting to come from. If you are coming from a belief in wrongdoing or rightdoing, from needing to fix or blame someone... then think again. The interaction you will have will be a form of violent communication.
What stops us from being present: (see which of these you do...)
Advising - "I think you should...." "How come you didn't....?"
One upping - (impatience) "That's nothing! wait till you hear......"
Educating - "This could turn into a very positive experience if you just......"
Consoling - "It wasn't your fault; you did the best you could."
Storytelling - "That reminds me of the time....."
Shutting down "Cheer up! Don't feel so bad!"
Sympathizing - "Oh! You poor thing!"
Interrogating - "When did this begin?"
Explaining - "I would have called but...." (putting your "but" in someone's face never works).
Correcting - "That's not how it happened. It was like this......"
In relating to others, it is never the behavior of another person causing us to feel angry, or unkind, or blaming - it is our own unmet needs. We can identify the other person's behavior as the stimulus for our upset, but it is not the cause. Our feelings come from inside of us because we are needing something. No one can make us feel a certain way. To tell them they did so is to use guilt to coerce them, to try to make a person do what you want them to do. This is a form of violence.
We often hear coercive or guilt-riddled, blaming and shaming statements such as the following:
"It hurts me when you _______ ."
"It really disappoints me when _______ ."
"You should _______!"
"I feel sad because you did this ________ ."
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment. The cause of our feelings is located in our own thinking. For instance, if a person says to another: "You doubt me all the time," what is that person really thinking and feeling? What they are really feeling is the following: "I am feeling insecure. I don't know if I trust my own competence and I am needing to know that I do things well."
What messages are conveyed to the other person in the statement "You doubt me all the time!"? Projection, guilt, shame.... you're wrong for doing this, it's your fault I feel this way, etc. In order to be able to relate to another and not blame them for what goes on for us, we have to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and discover what we are really feeling and needing.
Most people have trouble doing this. We live in a culture of blame and shame, and of denial of feelings. Why would someone choose to deny responsibility? To be complaining, a victim, and/or a martyr... they are already judging themselves harshly and so they don't want to admit that they are the ones creating this for themselves, feeling this way, because they won't deal with themselves lovingly. We've had role models of being rejected, so we do the same thing to ourselves, and we pass it on to our children, or partners, etc. People are terrified of rejection, and no one wants to be seen as bad or doing something wrong.
We often hear people say: "Don't cry. Don't be sad. Don't be angry. We are told in so many words that we're bad or it's wrong to feel. If we can't feel our own feelings, and be gentle with ourselves for having them, for having an unmet need, how then can we deal with anyone else's feelings in a loving way? What then do we do with those feelings? We have to throw them off on someone else for "creating those feelings in us" - for "making" us feel that way. This is called projection. This is a Denial of responsibility. An example:
"You made me so angry (sad, etc.").
"If you hadn't been so ______ then I wouldn't have_______ ."
"I had to act that way or do that because _____ ."
How would you re-state these sentences, taking responsibility for how you are feeling?
When we learn to deal with ourselves lovingly, we can then treat others in the same way. When we take responsibility for what is going on for us, we can then respond clearly and without hidden agendas.
The cause of our anger or distress lies in our own thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment: When we relate from this place, what we offer others is life alienating communication - communication that disconnects us from others and even can cause damage. We are contributing to violence when we communicate in this way.
The 3 stages in developing emotional responsibility:
Emotional slavery - thinking we're responsible for the needs of others.
Obnoxious angry stage where we realize we're not and we assert ourselves but in a way that does not respect others (that's your problem! I'm not responsible for your needs, etc.). Not caring about how we effect others or their needs.
Emotional liberation = assert your needs comfortably in a way that respects the needs/feelings of others. Awareness that we can't meet our own needs at the expense of others.
A Form of Life Alienating Communication is:
The use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our judgments. Take a look at your language. Do you use phrases such as:
"The problem with you is _______ ."
"Why did you do it that way?"
"She's ____such and such."
"It's inappropriate when you ______ ."
"Don't you know that ________!?"
What makes a person want to criticize or blame? They are not finding a way to get their needs met that works.
What do you think is going on when someone responds to another in this way? Once again, it is a belief that people deserve to be punished = that people are bad or evil. It primarily comes from a belief that you yourself think you are bad or inadequate and deserve to be punished.
Comparisons are a form of judgment and result in making your life, or others, miserable. Blaming, labels, criticism, put downs, insults, comparisons and diagnoses are all forms of judgment If you want a compassionate response back, if you want someone to be on your side and able to hear what you would like to share, or would like them to meet a need that you have, it is self defeating to blame them, shame them, criticize them, or interpret or diagnose their behavior. Someone who feels the need to defend themself against you will not be someone you can easily talk to or make requests of.
J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.
What's the difference between an evaluation and an observation?
An observation is simply noting a fact without drama, judgment, putting a spin on it, or having your own hidden agenda in there. Here is X, and you are simply noting one's relationship to X, or the facts of the matter. OBSERVATIONS ARE TO BE MADE WITH SPECIFICS OF TIME AND CONTEXT. It is noting factually what just happened in this moment - it is not making comments to the effect of what someone "always" does, or "never" does, or how someone "always" is, or "never" is.
An evaluation is your own judgment of what's going on. Opinions are like assholes - everybody's got one. And an evaluation or judgment you make is likely to change at any moment. When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.
Have you ever evaluated someone negatively and then had it turned around on you when that person did something loving the next moment? It's a waste of life energy, actually, to evaluate because it will change in a moment. Making an evaluation is an impersonal way of communicating that is a way to hide the authentic feelings YOU are having. It is also language with violence in it vs. the language of compassion. Example: "She just never arrives on time. She is so thoughtless!" vs "Today Sally arrived a few minutes late."
Another example would be making this statement, an evaluation: "Violence is bad," vs. expressing it in this way, stating one's own feelings about a matter: "I am fearful of the effects of violence to resolve conflicts. I value the resolution of conflicts through other means."
Evaluations usually contain words such as: never, whenever, ever, seldom, always, and frequently. These words, when used as an evaluation or exaggeration, provokes defensiveness rather than compassion.
Feelings vs. non feelings: allowing ourselves to be vulnerable when expressing
Owning our feelings helps to resolve conflicts.
Distinguish feelings from thoughts: "I feel that you should know better," "I feel like a failure," "I feel unimportant," "I feel that you doubt me all the time," "I feel misunderstood," "I feel that's unfair!" "I feel as if I'm living with a wall." None of the above are truly expressions of how a person is feeling. The following is, however, an example of a feeling: "I feel scared when ______ because I think that _______ ."
Words such as "that, as if, like..." are not revealing feelings.
Acknowledge feelings and express why they were there: "I felt ______ because..."
If
This is not the whole article, you will gain alot from going to the site:
MOST OF US RELATE VIOLENTLY TO ONE ANOTHER, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE UNAWARE OF IT, OR MAY THINK WE'RE RELATING ADEQUATELY - IT'S HOW WE'VE BEEN TAUGHT TO RELATE FOR CENTURIES.
Communication is probably the most potent force for good or for harm on the planet. If you use it destructively, you can do great damage. To be a clean and effective communicator takes practice, so I invite you to take in what you can in this article, and then be gentle with yourself as you grow and learn more. I hope that, after reading this article, you'll be inspired to continue to gather more information about how to relate with loving communication.
First of all, what will be presented here may be totally new ways of relating and communicating for you, so it will take a lot more time to integrate it fully and be able to use it as well as you might wish to. However, it's a start. Even if you simply use it to communicate differently one time a day, that's a seed for new possibilities in your life. Be kind and gentle with yourself - give yourself room to grow, and know that if you are reading this, it is because you want to grow and learn loving communication.
ALTHOUGH COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION IS VITAL TO OUR EMOTIONAL WELL BEING AND TO OUR VERY EXISTENCE, the art of communication is one of the most difficult arts to master in life, because it is the Art of "Being Aware of Yourself and your own feelings." We communicate with each other via our words, our emotions, our facial gestures, body language, and our actions. Most of our communication is non-verbal. We take our cue about the meaning of another's communication only 7% from their words, and 93% from their tone of voice. As you all know, when speaking to an animal, what you say doesn't matter. What registers and is responded to is the tone.
Example, the meaning of: "What are you doing?" is totally different when using a gentle tone of voice than when using a harsh tone, using the same words: "What ARE you DOING??!!"
The subject of compassionate communication has a great deal to do with self love, because often our inability to communicate effectively stems from low self esteem, which = a lack of self love. With almost all other arts, it is obvious that to master the skill, you must master the tools. To be come a master communicator, one must learn to master oneself. Unless you master the tools of becoming aware, your communication will probably not serve you well. What you will express to others will be whatever unresolved feelings or issues you have within you. You will also miss what they are wanting and trying to share with you.
Most of the communication styles we've learned are unhealthy. Each of us filters the world through our past experiences, so we often use communication styles modeled by our parents or primary caregivers.
There are 4 basic styles of communication:
1) Aggressive - Often people think that they are responding assertively when they are actually being aggressive. These personalities come on too strong and their energy bombards or pushes at people. Because of life experiences, they are full of hurt, anger, and resentment. They all too often lash out at others or overly defend issues. The aggressive response tends to evoke aggression in others and make the aggressive communicator even more out of control, which further alienates them from others. To be in control is a dominant need for them. Then they feel safe: if they control or push others away, then no one can hurt them.
2) Passive - Passive communicators tend to appear weak and self conscious. Deep down they feel insecure and may experience self doubt. They let themselves get pushed around and say "I'm sorry" for things they didn't do. They radiate a sense of wanting to speak up, but they don't, so there is a feeling around them of unspoken expectations and unmet needs. Being passive perpetuates the cycle of negative thinking toward oneself and one's self image, and self esteem drops even lower.
3) Passive Aggressive - They will say one thing to your face and another behind your back. This is the most insidious of the styles because it is harder to confront and subtler than the other two styles mentioned. They deny responsibility: "I was just joking." Trust is non-existent and these people feed on negativity and gossip. They act in this way to achieve a pseudo sense of control. They find if they can subtly defame another, they are somehow achieving a victory for themselves and they think then that they will look (or feel) better than another.
4) Assertive - The *gold star* of communicators. Their communications are compassionate in their delivery. It is the ability to relay a clear message without blaming, shaming, criticism, or insinuating. They are compassionate listeners. Compassionate listening requires a deep connection that goes beyond the person's words. An assertive communicator gives undivided attention.
Where do you see yourself?
Martin Buber said:
"In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands YOU."
To be a good communicator, first of all you must show up for the conversation. To have a win-win situation in human relationships, where both parties come away feeling good,you must be fully present and wanting to connect with the core essence humanity of the other person. That means wanting to understand their pain, being able to understand or empathize with their joys, their struggles, and to feel compassion for them. You can do this because you also see yourself in their pain, their joys, and their struggles.
An ancient Chinese philosopher once said: "The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another." Do you remember a conversation where you were really trying to get something across to another, and you came away feeling awful, or not heard? It happens all the time. That is not compassionate communication.
Sucker holes to communicating well:
When choosing to be in a conversation with someone, first of all one needs to watch out for:
Becoming mechanical - doing it but not wanting to truly connect.
Being more more interested in doing it correctly than in being there for the other person.
Coming from being patronizing or arrogant (oneupmanship).
Wanting to change or correct someone. The belief that we have to fix people or situations or make others feel better will cause you to relate to others in a harmful way - as if they are a specimen. We get dehumanized by derogatory images of others or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.
The great poet and mystic, Rumi, said: "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there."
Ask yourself before you respond to someone where you're starting to come from. If you are coming from a belief in wrongdoing or rightdoing, from needing to fix or blame someone... then think again. The interaction you will have will be a form of violent communication.
What stops us from being present: (see which of these you do...)
Advising - "I think you should...." "How come you didn't....?"
One upping - (impatience) "That's nothing! wait till you hear......"
Educating - "This could turn into a very positive experience if you just......"
Consoling - "It wasn't your fault; you did the best you could."
Storytelling - "That reminds me of the time....."
Shutting down "Cheer up! Don't feel so bad!"
Sympathizing - "Oh! You poor thing!"
Interrogating - "When did this begin?"
Explaining - "I would have called but...." (putting your "but" in someone's face never works).
Correcting - "That's not how it happened. It was like this......"
In relating to others, it is never the behavior of another person causing us to feel angry, or unkind, or blaming - it is our own unmet needs. We can identify the other person's behavior as the stimulus for our upset, but it is not the cause. Our feelings come from inside of us because we are needing something. No one can make us feel a certain way. To tell them they did so is to use guilt to coerce them, to try to make a person do what you want them to do. This is a form of violence.
We often hear coercive or guilt-riddled, blaming and shaming statements such as the following:
"It hurts me when you _______ ."
"It really disappoints me when _______ ."
"You should _______!"
"I feel sad because you did this ________ ."
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment. The cause of our feelings is located in our own thinking. For instance, if a person says to another: "You doubt me all the time," what is that person really thinking and feeling? What they are really feeling is the following: "I am feeling insecure. I don't know if I trust my own competence and I am needing to know that I do things well."
What messages are conveyed to the other person in the statement "You doubt me all the time!"? Projection, guilt, shame.... you're wrong for doing this, it's your fault I feel this way, etc. In order to be able to relate to another and not blame them for what goes on for us, we have to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and discover what we are really feeling and needing.
Most people have trouble doing this. We live in a culture of blame and shame, and of denial of feelings. Why would someone choose to deny responsibility? To be complaining, a victim, and/or a martyr... they are already judging themselves harshly and so they don't want to admit that they are the ones creating this for themselves, feeling this way, because they won't deal with themselves lovingly. We've had role models of being rejected, so we do the same thing to ourselves, and we pass it on to our children, or partners, etc. People are terrified of rejection, and no one wants to be seen as bad or doing something wrong.
We often hear people say: "Don't cry. Don't be sad. Don't be angry. We are told in so many words that we're bad or it's wrong to feel. If we can't feel our own feelings, and be gentle with ourselves for having them, for having an unmet need, how then can we deal with anyone else's feelings in a loving way? What then do we do with those feelings? We have to throw them off on someone else for "creating those feelings in us" - for "making" us feel that way. This is called projection. This is a Denial of responsibility. An example:
"You made me so angry (sad, etc.").
"If you hadn't been so ______ then I wouldn't have_______ ."
"I had to act that way or do that because _____ ."
How would you re-state these sentences, taking responsibility for how you are feeling?
When we learn to deal with ourselves lovingly, we can then treat others in the same way. When we take responsibility for what is going on for us, we can then respond clearly and without hidden agendas.
The cause of our anger or distress lies in our own thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment: When we relate from this place, what we offer others is life alienating communication - communication that disconnects us from others and even can cause damage. We are contributing to violence when we communicate in this way.
The 3 stages in developing emotional responsibility:
Emotional slavery - thinking we're responsible for the needs of others.
Obnoxious angry stage where we realize we're not and we assert ourselves but in a way that does not respect others (that's your problem! I'm not responsible for your needs, etc.). Not caring about how we effect others or their needs.
Emotional liberation = assert your needs comfortably in a way that respects the needs/feelings of others. Awareness that we can't meet our own needs at the expense of others.
A Form of Life Alienating Communication is:
The use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our judgments. Take a look at your language. Do you use phrases such as:
"The problem with you is _______ ."
"Why did you do it that way?"
"She's ____such and such."
"It's inappropriate when you ______ ."
"Don't you know that ________!?"
What makes a person want to criticize or blame? They are not finding a way to get their needs met that works.
What do you think is going on when someone responds to another in this way? Once again, it is a belief that people deserve to be punished = that people are bad or evil. It primarily comes from a belief that you yourself think you are bad or inadequate and deserve to be punished.
Comparisons are a form of judgment and result in making your life, or others, miserable. Blaming, labels, criticism, put downs, insults, comparisons and diagnoses are all forms of judgment If you want a compassionate response back, if you want someone to be on your side and able to hear what you would like to share, or would like them to meet a need that you have, it is self defeating to blame them, shame them, criticize them, or interpret or diagnose their behavior. Someone who feels the need to defend themself against you will not be someone you can easily talk to or make requests of.
J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.
What's the difference between an evaluation and an observation?
An observation is simply noting a fact without drama, judgment, putting a spin on it, or having your own hidden agenda in there. Here is X, and you are simply noting one's relationship to X, or the facts of the matter. OBSERVATIONS ARE TO BE MADE WITH SPECIFICS OF TIME AND CONTEXT. It is noting factually what just happened in this moment - it is not making comments to the effect of what someone "always" does, or "never" does, or how someone "always" is, or "never" is.
An evaluation is your own judgment of what's going on. Opinions are like assholes - everybody's got one. And an evaluation or judgment you make is likely to change at any moment. When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.
Have you ever evaluated someone negatively and then had it turned around on you when that person did something loving the next moment? It's a waste of life energy, actually, to evaluate because it will change in a moment. Making an evaluation is an impersonal way of communicating that is a way to hide the authentic feelings YOU are having. It is also language with violence in it vs. the language of compassion. Example: "She just never arrives on time. She is so thoughtless!" vs "Today Sally arrived a few minutes late."
Another example would be making this statement, an evaluation: "Violence is bad," vs. expressing it in this way, stating one's own feelings about a matter: "I am fearful of the effects of violence to resolve conflicts. I value the resolution of conflicts through other means."
Evaluations usually contain words such as: never, whenever, ever, seldom, always, and frequently. These words, when used as an evaluation or exaggeration, provokes defensiveness rather than compassion.
Feelings vs. non feelings: allowing ourselves to be vulnerable when expressing
Owning our feelings helps to resolve conflicts.
Distinguish feelings from thoughts: "I feel that you should know better," "I feel like a failure," "I feel unimportant," "I feel that you doubt me all the time," "I feel misunderstood," "I feel that's unfair!" "I feel as if I'm living with a wall." None of the above are truly expressions of how a person is feeling. The following is, however, an example of a feeling: "I feel scared when ______ because I think that _______ ."
Words such as "that, as if, like..." are not revealing feelings.
Acknowledge feelings and express why they were there: "I felt ______ because..."
If