My Ex's new wife

[pnggrad79]

My ex just got married last April to the wicked witch of the west, I think. From what my two girls tell me about her, and to some extent her own daughter, I don't know if I really want my girls around this woman.
Her own daughter has some real issues with her and talks to my youngest about it all the time in what they call D_____bashing. (D is this woman's first initial) Her own daughter doesn't call her Mom, she calls her by her name. Basically has no respect for her, and neither do my girls. D talks down to my girls and because they are not there all the time, she has gone into their rooms and thrown away their stuff, torn down their beds, repainted their rooms, and put them in a double bed in the guest room, which she has also stacked boxes of her stuff and hasn't decorated. They feel evicted and really don't like her at all. D yells at my girls and makes them feel very unwelcome in their father's home. He bows down to her and kisses her ass, because as he told my daughter, "I want to stay married to this one." So ex gives her anything and everything she wants and if she mistreats my girls, he says nothing.

What should I do? I don't want her talking like this and being this way to my girls. But I really have no control over what goes on there. All I know is both my girls come home really not liking staying there.

[u-dog]

Polly Purebred! What do you say Polly?

All I'm really qualified to do is feel your pain and pray for you PNG. It must feel really awful to see your kids struggling and to be powerless to intervene. Its a tough situation. Be supportive to the girls, listen to their frustration and take it seriously -- help them to problem-solve, roleplay different ways that they might interact with D and with Dad, but I would advise against joining in with the D____ bashing. Ultimately that won't do anything to help the value of your "stock" with the girls. If you are fair and even-handed they will look back and remember that about you.

U-dog

[progressive4christ]

They are your children too, so follow your gut; if you feel it is an unhealthy situation talk to your ex on some kind of compromise or just let your ex know how you feel. The children's safety and mental status is what is important. Do not let it go to long. You are their parent and have every right to stand up for your kids. :pray::pray::pray:

[rainbow7]

Adjusting to a parent's remarriage can be really challenging for everyone!
I agree that you have to intervene if you think they are not safe, but my experience tells me that there are many grey areas and that some interventions are more helpful to children than others.

Here are some ideas:

1. Try your best to refrain from joining in any negative talk about your ex or his wife; it won't help your kids.

2. Can you work with your ex? this is very challenging for some parents, but I am convinced it is the single most important thing you can work on to help your kids. If there is a lot of conflict, consider using a family therapist or parent coordinator as a resource.

3. Expect the transition back and forth between parents' homes to be more stressful, and plan for it. Choose a time when your kids are relaxed (NOT right after they come home from Dad's) and share your observations with them as an invitation to problem solve: "It seems like things can be really hard when you first come back from Dad's house; I wonder what might make that time easier to manage?"

This helps children become self aware and take responsibility for their own needs. Maybe they need to come in the door, have a snack and just veg in front of the TV for a while. Maybe they sometimes need to talk right away. You can let them know you are available as an active listener without pressuring them to talk.

4. Role playing can be helpful. "So D____ said that and you said _____. I wonder if you can think of any other responses you might use next time?"

5. Do everything possible to support the relationship between your kids. They are the only ones who know what it is like to go back and forth between two homes -- they live in the space between their parents' homes.
Empower them to solve their problems and strengthen their relationship so they can support each other instead of taking out their anger on each other. A wonderful resource to help with this is "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

6. Maybe there is a support group for children of divorce in your town. This can be a wonderful way to experience validation of their feelings.

7. Pay attention to your own need for support and self-care. Try to find another adult who shares your struggle. Children invariably believe they must take care of adults -- help them by taking care of yourself so they don't have to.

8. Read "Between Two Worlds" by Elizabeth Marquardt -- a powerful look into the experience of children of divorce. Some parents tell me this book made them feel guilty. That isn't the author's intent.....she interviewed adults who went through divorce as kids, in order to shed new light on their emotional experience.

I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers! It is a difficult time.

Polly

[rainbow7]

Polly Purebred! What do you say Polly?

All I'm really qualified to do is feel your pain and pray for you PNG. It must feel really awful to see your kids struggling and to be powerless to intervene. Its a tough situation. Be supportive to the girls, listen to their frustration and take it seriously -- help them to problem-solve, roleplay different ways that they might interact with D and with Dad, but I would advise against joining in with the D____ bashing. Ultimately that won't do anything to help the value of your "stock" with the girls. If you are fair and even-handed they will look back and remember that about you.

U-dog

Good advice, U-dog!

Polly

[pnggrad79]

Adjusting to a parent's remarriage can be really challenging for everyone!
I agree that you have to intervene if you think they are not safe, but my experience tells me that there are many grey areas and that some interventions are more helpful to children than others.

Here are some ideas:

1. Try your best to refrain from joining in any negative talk about your ex or his wife; it won't help your kids.

2. Can you work with your ex? this is very challenging for some parents, but I am convinced it is the single most important thing you can work on to help your kids. If there is a lot of conflict, consider using a family therapist or parent coordinator as a resource.

3. Expect the transition back and forth between parents' homes to be more stressful, and plan for it. Choose a time when your kids are relaxed (NOT right after they come home from Dad's) and share your observations with them as an invitation to problem solve: "It seems like things can be really hard when you first come back from Dad's house; I wonder what might make that time easier to manage?"

This helps children become self aware and take responsibility for their own needs. Maybe they need to come in the door, have a snack and just veg in front of the TV for a while. Maybe they sometimes need to talk right away. You can let them know you are available as an active listener without pressuring them to talk.

4. Role playing can be helpful. "So D____ said that and you said _____. I wonder if you can think of any other responses you might use next time?"

5. Do everything possible to support the relationship between your kids. They are the only ones who know what it is like to go back and forth between two homes -- they live in the space between their parents' homes.
Empower them to solve their problems and strengthen their relationship so they can support each other instead of taking out their anger on each other. A wonderful resource to help with this is "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

6. Maybe there is a support group for children of divorce in your town. This can be a wonderful way to experience validation of their feelings.

7. Pay attention to your own need for support and self-care. Try to find another adult who shares your struggle. Children invariably believe they must take care of adults -- help them by taking care of yourself so they don't have to.

8. Read "Between Two Worlds" by Elizabeth Marquardt -- a powerful look into the experience of children of divorce. Some parents tell me this book made them feel guilty. That isn't the author's intent.....she interviewed adults who went through divorce as kids, in order to shed new light on their emotional experience.

I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers! It is a difficult time.

Polly



Rainbow,

No, I cannot talk to my ex. He has done nothing but make me miserable since I left his sorry ass. Getting any kind of cooperation is like asking Congress to pass a pro-gay marriage amendment. He was such an unfit husband, heaping on me the expenses of raising children, but instead charging me for their upkeep, including all childcare expenses, their medical, their clothes, food, etc, since I chose to work outside the home and not be a stay home mom, this was my punishment. When I decided to leave after 19 years of marriage, he had kept on me a tab that amounted to $15,000 and kept all the money from our joint tax returns and gave me nothing. He made me write checks to him every time I got paid, to pay for things that I couldn't pay for and had to charge on a credit card. So after I left, things went from bad to worse. Refusing to work in any kind of way with me on visitation, money for extra things, etc. He won't answer my emails and is non committal when I call to talk to him. Talking with him is like trying to talk to someone who speaks and thinks in a different time zone or language.

My girls are 16 and 19, and have seen first hand how manipulative, conniving, grandstanding and general asshole this man can be. The oldest refuses to have anything more to do with him. He has ticked her off more times than she cares to count, and because she hasn't yet developed the backbone to tell him how she feels, she buries it and it is affecting her mentally. She has anxiety attacks, and can't sleep. The 16 year old still holds out hope for a better relationship but is learning to play his game. She gives him what he wants, tells him what he wants to hear, but it is not real.

My thing is, when they do go down there, which isn't often, I expect good treatment from the new wife. If that isn't going to happen, I am just going to put a stop to it happening. They are old enough and both have jobs that pretty much keep them busy here, plus their boyfriends. I just hate the physical effects it has on the 19 year old and how angry the 16 year old is when she gets home, but doesn't let him see it for fear he won't give her what she wants. She is playing the system.

I don't like this woman. I don't like what she says, I don't like anythng abou her and not because I am jealous. Lord knows, when I came out and married my wife, I stepped up. He settled for the first thing that came down the pike and I think he is finding out she isn't all that and a bag of chips. That is not my problem and I don't want my girls caught in the middle of that dynamic. They accept my relationship with my wife and we work things out. I don't like her for the same reason I don't like my ex. They don't treat my kids with respect and dignity. Whenever they come home, we debrief and I assure them that they have at least one parent who loves them no matter what they do, warts and all. But it doesn't make up for the loss of a dad, and I am afraid of those ramifications. I wish I had Keltic for a dad for my kids. He seems like a rock solid dad figure that could be a good influence for my girls, but he has 3 kids of his own and lives in freaking Ohio and I live in Texas.

I just need to know if I should let D know my expectations for her treatment of my children when they are down there. But they know the score, they know they have been replaced and I never want them to feel that way with me.

[rainbow7]

Hmmm....I should have checked to see how old your kids were before I put in my 2 cents' worth; sorry if I sounded pedantic.

I understand that there are some divorces in which cooperative co-parenting simply isn't an option; it sounds as if you've tried valiantly but gotten no response.

Concerning your major question, should you talk to Dad's new spouse to let her know your expectations about how she treats your daughters:

* Do you have any indication she might be responsive to your concerns?
What do you suppose is going on with her that she behaves so disrespectfully towards your daughters?


* As a parent, I imagine I understand your concerns and motives for wanting to advocate for your kids. If you choose to speak to D___ without letting your ex know you're doing so, the result could be that EVERYONE becomes more emotionally reactive and things get worse, including the way your daughters are treated. Just from what you have shared, it sounds pretty volatile.

* You shared earlier that she moved their things out of their rooms in their absence. The symbolism of that action seems very clear.....could she really be clueless about how that would make the girls feel, or is she just blatantly disrespectful? Is she threatened by having to share your ex with his kids? And how does D__'s daughter fit into the picture?

*Your girls are close to being ready to be "launched" and they have the right to make their own decisions about the relationships they will have with both of their parents as adults. I wonder what would feel most supportive to them? Would they appreciate your intervening with D____ or could it be more empowering to them if you remain outside the center of the conflict and be their coach and their support? It sounds as if you have a very strong relationship with them....

This is really a challenging situation. I admire your courage and your commitment to your children, both of which are evident in the way you are engaging with the struggle.

Polly P. (rainbow7)

[pnggrad79]

D's daughter, E, doesn't even like her mother. She says that she hopes my ex leaves her mother. D allowed E to be sexually molested from the time she was 9 to about 13 by an ex husband, not E's father. She allowed it in the sense that when she found out about E being molested, she neither said nor did anything about it. E has told my youngest that D paid for her son's college education and has bought him several cars, financed houses for him, etc, but made E do all that on her own. E told my youngest that D doesn't like girls and so E thinks that D is jealous of my two girls because of the way my ex tries to buy them off and spoils them. E said that the only reason D married my ex was because he had a lot of money.

Examples of things:

My ex and D took my oldest to Hawaii 2 summers ago. My daughter is very fair complected and when they rented a convertible to tour Oahu, she protested saying that being out in the sun all day would leave her sunburned. D threw a towel at her and said, "Then cover up!"

My wife and I were there at the same time, and got to see my oldest for about 5 hours, and to this day, my oldest says that even though she got to go on a cruise to Hawaii, visit all four islands, and see the most beautiful place in the world, she hated the experience except for the 5 hours she spent with me and my wife. When someone comes away from Hawaii and says they hated the experience, something went tragically wrong in my opinion. I told my daughter that when we got the money, we would take her back and let her enjoy the island.