Help! I have no friends!

[Progo35]

That's kind of a pathetic statement, and I'm sure I'll feel more "in control" tomorrow. But, I have to go back to Gordon in the Fall, and I pretty much have really bad experiences greeting me at every corner: there are just a lot of BAD vibes. Really, I shouldn't be in that environment anymore, but I want to finish the honors degree I've designed. Basically, a friend who was a friend for twenty years started coming to Gordon a few years ago and no matter what I tried, stuff fell apart when she started dating this very controlling, manipulative guy. Now she's married to him and won't talk to me-but walks around telling everyone that I don't want to talk to her!

Moreover, this one prof of mine was always a strong mentor until he left about two and a half years ago. He actually oversaw my senior project from far away, which was a huge favor, but a few months prior to doing that he suddenly announced that he couldn't do it, we wound up fighting over the email system, and he wound up doing it but I feel like he think's I'm too clingy, or something, because he used to be more "open" in terms of just checking in once in a while. But now, if I want to get in contact, I have to initiate all the email, which makes me feel like a pest. In terms of him saying that he wasn't going to do the project, I would have been happy to be respectful of his new status by finding someone else, but he had agreed to do this by corrpospondence and there was NOONE else to do it. It wasn't like there was a conglomerate of musicologists in the MA area just WAITING to oversee my project. What was I supposed to do? Say, "oh, okay, I understand that you can't keep your promise" even though this was the most pivotal project of my entire program? How was he expecting me to respond? Anyway, we've finished the project and that's a relief but I feel confused because I still feel connected to him as a mentor and friend and I can't decide whether or not he's totally addocated that role. He had a lousy time at Gordon, too, which is why he left.

I've thought about leaving and have actually been accepted at a few places, but I'm afraid that if I leave now I will feel bad later for leaving when I only had four or five classes left in my tailored degree program. It makes more sense to me to go and do a music program after I complete this one, and than hopefully apply the cultural studies knowledge I've gained in studying musicology. So, I feel that that is the "sensible" thing to do.

But, the fact is, my WHOLE BODY hates Gordon. When I'm there, I have no energy, cannot concentrate, am upset, and its all not even volitional. I've noticed that when I'm not at Gordon but doing something academic somewhere else without being worried, I do much better.

And, I just worry that I may end up to be one of those adults that the people at the local church have to bring a food basket to during the holidays because I either had some sort of bizarre issue at my job and lost it, or my parents are dead and I have no one to spend the holidays with, etc. I dated someone like that once and it was terrible. This guy had been picked on so much that he didn't know how to KEEP friends, because he was so messed up-and he was thirty eight.

So, anyway, thank you for sharing. You may all feel really bad for me now, which is what this email seems to be encouraging others to do. But, I just had to tell someone, okay? Thank you.

[BrianB]

Can you remember doing something fun? You should go out and do something fun with a friend, acquaintance or perfect stranger; even if you don't feel like it. The main thing is not to stay stuck in a bad mood. For a few hours just forget about Gordon. Perhaps you will see things differently when you return.

[Jennifer5]

I have to say that I agree with Brian... I think you need to just step away from everything go out have fun and just don't think about this Gordon thing for a while. :love:

[Progo35]

Thanks, guys. I just needed to get that out. I'd say that that's the problem, however-there isn't anyone around to DO fun stuff with, except for my family which I appreciate but isn't really the same thing. But, you're both right-it's just not a good thing to dwell on, either. Also, I'm a bit nervous about an opera workshop I have coming up, which I'm really looking forward to but involves a lot of work. Last year I loved it but had a lot of issues with stage directions. Telling my right from my left was really an issue. So, I'm trying to learn my songs right now and am kind of worried about that, which is kind of like school and increasing underlying frustration.

[BruceChris]

And yeah, I know, I have felt likeI have had no friends sometimes.

But most of us realize that we need support systems closer to home. Friends that we can be out to, and get hugs from now and then. Someone only a phone call away. I sincerely hope that you have some of these., or can develope them.

I'm glad that you posted, because it gives us a chance to reach out to you.

God loves you, and I suspect that you may have to listen to your body now and then.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[Pablo Rafael]

Progo,

I'm not one to give a lot of advice, but I will this time. I have found in my teaching career that there are some really bad times. I had one really bad year when I was principal of a school that was in the process of closing down. The school board was uncooperative. the other teacher (there were just two of us) was really hard to get along with. I had a class with a lot of middle school girls who were in constant conflict with each other. It was an effort to get up each day and go to work. But it was only one year and I was glad that I stuck through to the end. In my 24 years of teaching the good times far outweigh the bad.

You need to ask yourself if it is worth sticking through to the end. It may be bad at the time, but it won't last forever. (Like Garrison Keeler said after the last presidential election, "Remember, four years isn't forever!")

I know what it is like to be pretty much alone. I have a tendency to get lonely. It's not an easy thing. Remember that there are many of us here that are thinking of you.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Progo35]

Thanks, Pablo-your kind words, and those of others here, really help/mean a lot to me. :)

[Progo35]

This is the SECOND DAY IN A ROW that my parents have been pissed with me. I already have no one to hang out with and I have to spend my time either with them or alone...so I REALLY don't appreciate them giving me the cold sholder because I asked them for the fifth time to do something simple and I forgot to clean my room. I'm twenty four. Do I look in their room? Now, if there were rats and roaches living in my room or it was likely that they were, then I could understand...but they are both really stressed out and have been short with me for quite some time, which I understand but right now I feel like I want to run away from home and sleep in the cemetary, or something. Of course, like my other post, this is kind of a lame issue for someone my age, but I really have to process things by talking about them out loud. I just don't know how to make my parets happy sometimes, and they have the same problem with me. Also, both of them have been making comments about my weight lately. Now, not that I'm terribly overweight, I'm about a size fourteen, but I could afford to lose a few pounds, and so every time my parents see me eating something "bad" they say, "are you sure you should be eating that?" Now, managing one's weight and keeping one's living space clean are both part of being a healthy, well adjusted adult. So, I know that they are RIGHT but I don't want to here IT, UNSOLICITED, all THE TIME.

[u-dog]

This is the SECOND DAY IN A ROW that my parents have been pissed with me. I already have no one to hang out with and I have to spend my time either with them or alone...so I REALLY don't appreciate them giving me the cold sholder because I asked them for the fifth time to do something simple and I forgot to clean my room. I'm twenty four. Do I look in their room? Now, if there were rats and roaches living in my room or it was likely that they were, then I could understand...but they are both really stressed out and have been short with me for quite some time, which I understand but right now I feel like I want to run away from home and sleep in the cemetary, or something. Of course, like my other post, this is kind of a lame issue for someone my age, but I really have to process things by talking about them out loud. I just don't know how to make my parets happy sometimes, and they have the same problem with me. Also, both of them have been making comments about my weight lately. Now, not that I'm terribly overweight, I'm about a size fourteen, but I could afford to lose a few pounds, and so every time my parents see me eating something "bad" they say, "are you sure you should be eating that?" Now, managing one's weight and keeping one's living space clean are both part of being a healthy, well adjusted adult. So, I know that they are RIGHT but I don't want to here IT, UNSOLICITED, all THE TIME.

Proga my love, its time to start making a plan to move out on your own. Your weight and your chosen level of chaos are really NOT any of your parents business, but its going to be really difficult for them to come to understand that while you are living in their home. You are in that age range between adolescence and adulthood and living at home is just muddling the process of differentiation for both you and your folks and confusing them.

In the mean time (while your plan is taking shape) you need to be very careful to guard the boundaries of your adulthood. When mom makes a request for you to clean your room, calmly remind her that you are not a teenager and that perhaps she should leave that to you. Offer to keep the door closed. "Calmly" is key here... otherwise you will be playing into the teenager role which is not what you want. Don't become emotionally reactive. When Dad makes a "helpful" comment about your diet, let him know that you are considering the possibility of going on a diet and if you decide to do it you will let him know how he can be helpful... in the meantime ....

I say this as the parent of 21 and 19 year olds, two of whom are home for the summer so... I'm right here in the middle of your issue... only on the other side of it! I bite my tongue till it bleeds :rolleyes:

[Daniel]

Basically, a friend who was a friend for twenty years started coming to Gordon a few years ago and no matter what I tried, stuff fell apart when she started dating this very controlling, manipulative guy. Now she's married to him and won't talk to me-but walks around telling everyone that I don't want to talk to her!


Sweetheart....are you sure you don't have a thing for girls? Because, if you do, isn't not anything to be worried about, at least, not around here. Of course, I'm fishing here. But you know what? I've been wondering just how much your issues with school, people and god-knows-what-else have to do with your the- up till now- unspoken matter of your amorous attactions. I wouldn't be surprised that you are unwittingly pushing people aware because you are pushing something else- of much more import- away. Get my drift?

Of course, if this is territory you don't want to discuss- mum's the word. Hey. I'm happy to be foolishly way off-base. But you know me.....always trying to get to light.

[Zerbie]

Good advice from Dave!!

Sage advice! Why is it so hard to do? I'm older than you Meghan, and still working on ways to nip that parents vs teenager stuff that starts up when we visit at each other's houses. 3 days, maximum.

I suggest making plans to live on your own or with a very trusted companion. If you can find a trustworthy roommate, it's a great situation - get an apartment with separate rooms AND separate bathrooms, split the rent, and be on your own as adults. It makes things much better with the 'rents.

If no one is around who you can call to go to a movie with, you could go by yourself just to get out of the house. Or, maybe you could join a book dicussion group, or help out with a volunteer project a couple nights a week?

Get ya out of the house and around people, which is what you need. I get the blues from sitting around myself too much, too.

[Zerbie]

Sweetheart....are you sure you don't have a thing for girls? Because, if you do, isn't not anything to be worried about, at least, not around here. Of course, I'm fishing here. But you know what? I've been wondering just how much your issues with school, people and god-knows-what-else have to do with your the- up till now- unspoken matter of your amorous attactions.

Of course, if this is territory you don't want to discuss- mum's the word.

Well, I had a rupture with my female best friend of many years largely, if not entirely, due to her boyfriend's pressure. Then they got engaged and it really ruptured. When she married him, our friendship ended for good. It had nothing to do with my sexual orientation (although it DID have to do with her husband's extreme hatred of gay men, and the fact that I hung around too many of them for his approval).

Just sayin', the fight need not have to do with Progo liking girls.

[Jennifer5]

I have to agree with everyone else... you need to leave if at all possible.




I'm really sorry to say that I don't really see the problem though... I mean I think it's wrong for them to have any input with diet, that's pretty rude. But if you are living at home, they kind of do have the right to have a say on how messy it is... I mean they need to respect that it is your space... but you do have to keep in mind that it is there house.

[Progo35]

Hey, Dave,

Thanks for asking. If I were gay, that would make me feel a lot more comfortable about it.

No, I don't think that I am attracted to women, based on the fact that when I was four, I wanted to marry my brother, when I was eleven, I had a crush on this really cute, blonde guy at camp...and every time I've thought about romantic activity or fantasized about it, it has involved a guy. Like, when I envision kissing someone in the moonlight, I definitely have some sort of Brand Pittish ideal in mind-although a regular looking guy would be fine, too.

I just feel kind of "behind." For instance, I finally started being interested in sex, like in terms of thinking about having sex with someone, around college. It was one of the first times that thinking about sex actually related to desire rather than terrible memories about being molested by my neighbor or "pants-ed" by the kids at school (over and over). Part of the problem is that I tend to alienate potental guy friends when I walk around talking to myself, which is how I process things. People think that I am loony. And, in my second and third semester at Gordon, I was woefully depressed, which didn't help my social image. I dated one guy in high school and we just had nothing to talk about. All he talked about was a) how he refilled drinks at McDonalds b)wanting to kill himself c) his granfather, who, sadly, had recently died, or d) horiculture, which was interesting but that was about it. And, I just didn't feel attracted to him, but this, I think, was because we didn't have much to talk about and I was constantly feeling like I had to be his therapist. Now, obviously, I have some issues, too, but the problem is that when you have two people who are really going through a lot they sometimes aren't able to help each other. The same thing happened with the second guy I dated. First of all, I really wanted this relationship to be a friendship, because this guy was 18 yrs older than me and I definitely did not feel ready to settle down. But, this guy was really nice, and kind, and we got along really well together. Anyway, he told me that he had feelings for me. I said that I loved him as a friend but didn't want to be in a dating relationship, and he was crushed. But then he was really kind of manipulative, saying that I would never find another guy, that I was being mean, etc. Anyway, during this one summer I was incredible depressed and this guy started touching me. I moved his hands repeatedly and than he would do it again. After a while, I just figured that he was going to do it anyway, and my mom had told me that I had issues receiving affection from guys, that I should want that, so instead of following my natural inclinations, I let the touching continue. But, what really eventually made it bad was that he started drinking and calling me a whore and the c word and saying that he hoped I would die, etc. I feel bad because if I had known he was an alcoholic, I woudn't have agreed to drink with him. Anyway, he exposed himself, than another time I woke up next to him and my pajamas were....er...not exactly OFF, but not Exactly ON, either. It was really weird and I felt like I was dreaming. The next morning I asked him about it and he said he didn't do it and I thought that my mind was making things up. (He sometimes spent the night in the guestroom, that night I had fallen asleep next to him while we were watching a movie on the couch) Before he started being nasty, we went through a period of consensual dating in between the nonconsensual touching and the issues I've described, and I began to wonder if I did have feelings for him. But, I was still depressed at this time and I also felt uncomfortable when the physical part went beyond just over the clothing part, and he did this even when I told him not to. But, before this, it was the first time I can remember actually enjoying phsysical contact of a romantic nature. But, the fact that I was sort of forced/manipulated into it and than further abused made the relationship ultimately untenable, and I had to wind up reporting his actions and cutting off the relationship. I still feel really awful about it because we were really close and as bad as what he did was, this guy was ROYALLY MESSED UP. He has a good heart, he has just been SO HURT, particularly because he weighs 600 pounds and was abused as a child. I was hoping that having a friendship would benefit both of us, but ultimately it just ended up becoming something I knew was not a good idea.

As to my female best friend, I think that the thing is is that I don't have a lot of friends, I have always been a few-friend kind of person, and I do have a very giving personality. I like to talk to others, make others feel good, do things, etc. So, the few friends that I have get a lot of attention from me and we tend to be close-this person, for instance, did not tell anyone else that she thought she might be pregnant until she came to visit me a few years ago. She and I met at my parents vacation house when we were two, and since then had always called each other "sisters." We went through everything togetehr, even though she living in FL during the year. We saw each other for weeks every summer, and we visited each other. We went through skinned knees, lemonade stands, skits, puberty, her abusive boyfriend, my school issues, and getting into college together. The reason that she met the mean guy was that she was visiting me at Gordon from FL. After she met this guy at a party, she started ditching me that whole week. Then, she transferred to my school. The problem was that this guy obviously has issues. For instance, once we were hanging out with him and his friend and they were watching pornographic cartoons when we walked in. Than, we had a discussion about manic depression and I mentioned that manic depression sometimes causes bougts of hyper-sexual activity. Then, in another conversation about a movie we were watching, I said the word "penis." Both of these comments offended her boyfriend greatly, even though he had just watched porn cartoons. Anyway, later that night my friend asked me to wait outside her room while she talked to her boyfriend, and I heard him telling her that she should have stopped me from "making rude comments about sex" and that I was "a bad influence" and "not good for our relationship." Then, every time I tried to talk to her on campus, he would come over and listen in, which, obviously, made me uncomfortable. My friend, Erin, was at first sympathetic/gently chiding of his behavior. But, then, one night, he picked us and another girl up from the mall and when I got into the car I coudln't figure out the door handle and he started yelling at me and saying that I was stupid and that I must not understand how to open the door because it wasn't "one of the NEW jeeps." Then he told his mom, who was on the phone, "no, Mom, you have no idea that kind of person I am talking to. I didn't even think she'd be here. I thought I was just picking up Erin and Molly." I told him that I was not stupid and that I wouldn't be talked to that way. He told me to shut up, and when I woudln't, he pulled the car over to the side of the road and told me to get out or he would call the police. It was raining, and dark, I had no idea where we were, and my learning disability directly affects coordination and direction. That is why I had problems opening the door and why it would have been HORRIBLE for me to follow his directive. Anyway, he continued to berate me, Erin started to cry, my other friend said that it was my fault...it was awful. At first, Erin was upset with her boyfriend's behavior, as she told me later. But, then, she started telling everyone ALL of my personal info, which she knew all of, because she's known me for so long, and saying that the incident with the car was my fault, and accusing me of looking at her boyfriend funny. Now, it seems that it is okay for him to try to drop me in the middle of nowhere in the pouring rain, but God forbid I don't look at him the right way. To make a long story short, there were a few more similar incidents, until it got to the point that Erin didn't want me at her wedding. I never said that her boyfriend was a bad person or that she shouldn't marry him, I just tried to avoid him to avoid confrontation. But, if I didn't love her boyfriend, I guess that meant that I didn't love her, or so her boyfriend convinced her. So, that was the end of that.

On top of this, my mentor who was a prof at my school was slandered and mistreated by his department. He was the only one who, despite my learning disability, thought that I was brilliant and encouraged me in my musical pursuits. He helped me design my own major with music history as a focus and always had really good academic advice. I don't think I know anyone else who seems to know me as well scholastically and to give relevant advice as he did.

Also, he just had a lot of patience and even appreciation for my small "quirks", like losing my stuff. If I lost something, he often found it. If I needed to cry about how I was being treated by other students or faculty, he was right there to be righteously indignant. He also just had a very soft spoken, kind manner about him that made me feel comfortable/safe around him. In a lot of ways, he was almost like an older brother. Then, his colleagues slandered him. He was already angry at Gordon's music department for the way it acted towards students and its lack of honestly, and this was the icing on the cake. He left. For a while we talked about my possibly working again with him, by corrpespondence or by taking some classes were he went, but ultimately he moved so far away that this wasn't possible. He did, however, finish my project with me, which was a big favor. But, for some reason he suddenly announced mid year last year that he couldn't do it. I freaked-there was no one else to do it and it was the most important project of the entire program-and my response really irked him. He replied and said that he would do it but didn't like my attitude-that I wasn't thinking about how other people were being affected. Okay, but is he my friend or my prof? As a friend, I can totally understand him not being able to do it. But, as a student, he promised to do this and there really wasn't anyone else to do it. He didn't even suggest someone. This was really heartbreaking. We seem to have made up somewhat since then but he never checks in on his own. Just after he left, he had been in touch, but now I feel like I'm pestering him and it really scares me, because there still isn't anyone around who can advise me in music history. The school does not have a musicologist or another person in the music department that wants to help me. I still hold him in high regard and really hope that we will still be in touch/be friends/professional acquaintences for a long time, but I don't know how to undo some of the damage that has been done.

So, yeah...that's all for now.

[Daniel]

I see my question cracked open a big wade of stuff for you progo.

One thing comes to mind, and you aren't going to like it, but I think you need to face it squarely: this former music teacher isn't affiliated with the school any more, so he is not going to be able to help you even though the bonds of your friendship seem to warrant it. It's just not going to happen. And the more you pine for it to happen is only going to bring you more and more pain.

I feel for you. But I gotta say that I think you are setting yourself up for a big fall.

You need to think about this issue and get yourself in motion. You need a plan. (Yeah...I know...it's a 'guy' thing to say).

Sometimes we have to save ourselves. Waiting for others to act on our behalf is only postpones the growing up process (in that sense it is GREAT that you are pissed off with our parents. You should be. Maybe you need to get pissed off enough to do something about it.)

You can do it. I know you can. Just start looking yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself something good. Know what I mean? You've gonna have to convince yourself of your own intrinsic self-worth.

No one can believe in you when you don't believe in yourself.

Believe!

[Progo35]

Hey, Daniel

Yes, the plan thing is very important-so, with you there! :)

[u-dog]

It was Daniel who posed the question about whether you really like girls. As far as I am concerned you are whoever you tell me you are until you tell me something different! :)

[Progo35]

Hey, U-Dog-
Yes, I'm clear on Daniel asking that. I wasn't offended. :) If I were struggling with that, it would be good for someone to ask that question compassionately. I don't know if I said this exact thing in my post, but in terms of being so close to my friend, I think that the fact is that I kind of see good friends who have been around for a long time as almost family-so, losing this person, who I had considered a sister for twenty years was as if I had lost my sister in a car accident. That's how it feels.

[u-dog]

Hey, U-Dog-
Yes, I'm clear on Daniel asking that. I wasn't offended. :) If I were struggling with that, it would be good for someone to ask that question compassionately. I don't know if I said this exact thing in my post, but in terms of being so close to my friend, I think that the fact is that I kind of see good friends who have been around for a long time as almost family-so, losing this person, who I had considered a sister for twenty years was as if I had lost my sister in a car accident. That's how it feels.

I didn't imagine that you WERE offended and I didn't think there was anything wrong with Daniel asking the question. I just wanted you to know that it WAS Daniel... and not me :)

[Progo35]

Oh-well, I knew that, too. :D