keltic63
07-09-2007, 08:50 AM
Background: on saturday, my parents attended the birthday party of a 50yo man who attends their church (AoG). I've known the man for a long time, and he has been the subject of many discussions in our family. He is obviously gay, but has never come out. as a matter of fact, is most likely living in denial, because in that church, and in his family, being gay and out is NOT an option. In addition, he has a sister (there are 5 siblings) that is a lesbian. I recall being a teenager in that church and the mother of the kids "testifying" about how her daughter was "delivered" from being "like that." The daughter had been dating girls. For all the quirks of this family, now extended with spouses and grandchildren, they are a lovely and loving family; they are genuinely likable. The son, whose b-day was saturday, has never married, and the family laments that he'll never find a woman. The daughter, did marry a man and have a family. The matriarch of this family has also remained friends with my ex-wife, so not only were my parents at this party, so was my ex. I was in HS and church activities with the youngest daughter, and she asked my parents why I wasn't at the party. Dad told her that I wasn't invited. so the reaction from her was one of surprise.
The "elephant in the room" part: My parents love me dearly, accept my partner, and support me when I complain that things aren't going well concerning my ex and the kids. However, they never want to talk about my being gay. Never. it doesn't happen. I can clear a room, or produce a silence that is deafening, just by bringing it up.
So Sunday afternoon, my parents are telling me about the party. We talk about the man's sisters being there. I mention that I had seen 2 of them out shopping Saturday morning, although at first I didn't recognize them. At least, I didn't recognize the first sister until a few moments later when I saw the lesbian sister, and it registered with me as to why the first looked familiar. Still no mention of orientation in the conversation with my parents. I begin to say something about the lesbian sister, that has nothing to do with her being gay, and my mother interrupts to make her famous statement that the 2 siblings really should have been switched!
In the past (before I came out) the family always took great pleasure in discussing the ways in which the son is so very effeminate, and this particular daughter is very masculine. Indeed, to fit gender role stereotypes, they could switch personalities easily and fit into the "straight" society much more easily. I didn't want to take the conversation that direction, so I made my point and redirected the conversation away from the gay issue. THEN, I reconsidered that and took a bold step.
I talked about how much this man has achieved in his lifetime, yet how unhappy he seems. His "secret" which really is no secret, is showing on his face, it's wearing him down. He's tired and depressed and on the few occasions that I see this man, this is what I see in him. I talked about how the sister was in a lesbian relationship and the parents and church forced her out of it. She married a man, and they've had marital problems. I told my parents that this brother and sister would be much happier if they could just be honest about who they are and live an authentic life. My dad brought up the fact that the daughter is married and has kids, to which I responded "yes, I did that too, remember?" The conversation ended quickly, but I did give them some things to think about. And for once, we acknowledged the elephant in the room.
wow, that was a long story. if you made it to the end, thanks for sticking with me.
The "elephant in the room" part: My parents love me dearly, accept my partner, and support me when I complain that things aren't going well concerning my ex and the kids. However, they never want to talk about my being gay. Never. it doesn't happen. I can clear a room, or produce a silence that is deafening, just by bringing it up.
So Sunday afternoon, my parents are telling me about the party. We talk about the man's sisters being there. I mention that I had seen 2 of them out shopping Saturday morning, although at first I didn't recognize them. At least, I didn't recognize the first sister until a few moments later when I saw the lesbian sister, and it registered with me as to why the first looked familiar. Still no mention of orientation in the conversation with my parents. I begin to say something about the lesbian sister, that has nothing to do with her being gay, and my mother interrupts to make her famous statement that the 2 siblings really should have been switched!
In the past (before I came out) the family always took great pleasure in discussing the ways in which the son is so very effeminate, and this particular daughter is very masculine. Indeed, to fit gender role stereotypes, they could switch personalities easily and fit into the "straight" society much more easily. I didn't want to take the conversation that direction, so I made my point and redirected the conversation away from the gay issue. THEN, I reconsidered that and took a bold step.
I talked about how much this man has achieved in his lifetime, yet how unhappy he seems. His "secret" which really is no secret, is showing on his face, it's wearing him down. He's tired and depressed and on the few occasions that I see this man, this is what I see in him. I talked about how the sister was in a lesbian relationship and the parents and church forced her out of it. She married a man, and they've had marital problems. I told my parents that this brother and sister would be much happier if they could just be honest about who they are and live an authentic life. My dad brought up the fact that the daughter is married and has kids, to which I responded "yes, I did that too, remember?" The conversation ended quickly, but I did give them some things to think about. And for once, we acknowledged the elephant in the room.
wow, that was a long story. if you made it to the end, thanks for sticking with me.