How Would You Feel...

[tdogg]

...first, the scoop:

I have a dear and beloved aunt, who is a fundamentalist, conservative Christian (who thinks folks like Pat Robertson and Pres bush walk on water). I came out to her two years ago, we had numerous email and letter exchanges, and eventually some heated ones. I decided that there was no need to subject myself to her words any longer, she felt the same and we ceased communicating. I think about here now and then, pray for her but had no desire to take back up on the communicating.

Out of the blue today, she sent an email to my work telling me she really loves me. That's it. Now it's on my mind constantly. Do I even respond? How do I respond? Should I set boundaries? Just respond and see what happens and how it goes? Forget I even got the email?

Then the actual question...guess I'm not really looking for answers or specific direction here. Just wondering how any of you might feel if this happened to you? I have so many mixed feelings.

[Zerbie]

Well, if that were the case with me and that came into my inbox, I would probably respond in kind, very short and simple. Not ignore it. Maybe just,
"love you too" and nothing else.

If she then followed up with negativity and rants, I think I would ignore that stuff altogether.

[wmanion]

Yes, I would just send a simple "I love you too." I did have a friend that I came out to and we had heated discussions. I told him if he was so convinced that it was a choice to please prove it to me by choosing to be gay for a year and living as a gay man. I said if he could do this, I would gladly consider his argument that is was a choice. However, he came back with two wrongs would not make a right and we have since broken communication.

Bill

[labguy22]

Great question. Coming out to an entire family (siblings,parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles) all Missionary Baptists, I also received similar words of hate and condemnation. You have already found the key, you prayed for her but also removed yourself from possible damage from her words. Over the years I have been amazed how my family has actually realized the hatred that is being preached in Gods name and have been searching for churches who actually teach love for all, not just the select few. I actually underestimated my family and am fortunate that they have chosen not to remain blind. I try to remember to bless those who curse me...but it's not always easy.

Be Blessed,
Nick

[Progo35]

U-Dog,

I find that in life, sometimes people say or do things for which they are very, very sorry later on. Your aunt is probably getting on in years and she won't be around for much longer. This, combined with the fact that she's had around two years to think about it, has probably helped your grandmother realize what a special relationship both of you had and made her regret how she behaved.

If I were you, I would take this opportunity to reconcile with your aunt. I think that this may be her way of telling you that this is what she wants. If you can find it in your heart to forgive her, you will be giving her a great gift of love. Although I'm sure that what she said was teribly hurtful and damaging, repentance is healing...and I think that you should take this opportunity for you both to begin healing.

Now, I'm not saying you have to jump in as if nothing had happened with out any caution, but I would be open to the idea of re-starting the relationship at some point. In short, what I'm really saying is that by communicating, you can give her a chance to apologize in her own way. I would reply and say something like, "I love you to, Aunt _______." I pray for you often. How are you?"

If you don't feel comfortable asking how she is, you could always send that later. You don't have to send all of your thoughts in one email.

How would I feel? Well, I'll try to relate that to two people who are important to me, even though one is not a family member. I'll start with my Dad.

For a long time, my Dad had a habit of saying very mean and insensitive things to me. He seemed to feel that since he was working to support me, I should show that I loved him by always following his directions and obeying him. The thing is, sometimes I just couldn't do this. My learning disability comes with extreme coordination, motor, processing and organizational deficits, and it was not possible for me to go faster when he wanted to get out the door, or for me to understand all of his directions when he wanted me to do something. He would also respond to my problems at school in cruel ways, sometimes. For instance, as an elementary schooler, even when I was trying my best to eat neatly, he would say things like, "no wonder you have no friends, you eat like a pig," because stuff kept falling off my fork, or unto the floor, when I was eating...it had to do with motor coordination. Then, when it came to math, which was impacted by my disability, my father would say, "you're just not trying hard enough." Once, when I was nine, he said that I was a brat and that he didn't care how what he said made me feel. I told him that that was disrespectful. He said, "I don't have to respect you, you're the child and I'm the father, and its not the same thing." After he said this, I yelled, "I hate you!" He yelled, "I hate you, too!" I cried and cried, and my mom was right in the middle of this. This kind of crap, minus the "I hate you," bit, went on for years.

Sadly, it wasn't until I had what I tend to refer to as a nervous breakdown in tenth grade and developed anorexia and almost died that my father realized how much his words had hurt me, or at least that he shouldn't talk to me that way. At first, I think he was motivated by a desire to protect my mother, who was really stressed out, from having to intervene in our conflicts, but I also think that my having a potentially fatal illness affected him.

Still, we did have similar arguments with less frequency. I felt like he was not arguing with me because he cared about me but mostly because he cared about my mom, and that hurt. Anyway, the worst confrontation we ever had happened on Christmas night, 2002, after my birth father wrote me a letter. Never in my life had I or anyone else used the "your not my real family" card, but suddenly it started coming up, until one night we argued over my lighting a candle in my room (pretty lame thing to argue about but my dad was CONVINCED that I was going to knock it over, even though I was right there to take care of it if that happened. I felt mad because he was acting as if my disability made it impossible for me to do something as basic as being responsible around fire.) He started yelling at me and saying how disrespectful and ungrateful I was, and I yelled, "You've treated me like sh--t for the last 20 years!" He said, "Oh, yeah? Well I hope that your real father comes and takes you the F--- out of here. I'm not your Dad. Don't ever call me 'Dad' again." NOw, that's pretty bad. That's my father disowning me. It was a horrible night.

But, some things also started turning him around. One is the fact that I refused to let him ignore how his words made me feel. I talked to him about it, even when he didn't want to, but I tried to also cut him some slack in realizing that he didn't always mean to be as gruff as he was. For a while, he would never answer me when I said, "I love you," but I kept saying it and letting him and my mom know how much it hurt me when he did that. I later learned that his own father never said that he loved him, that that was considered sissy and inappropriate when my dad was growing up. Thus, he was mirroring what he grew up with, but he gradually realized that he had to change his tune.

There were three more things that I believe impacted my dad:

A) I had made friends with an older guy that I saw as a father figure but who wanted to date me. We wound up dating even though I tried to avoid it, because I knew that it would just lead to trouble. Ultimately, the relationship became abusive and I left. I think that that helped my Dad know how much not having a supportive father figure in my life impacted me.

B) My grandmother died in 2005. This in itself impacted my father's concept of time, I think. But, during the funeral, he was reading a poem about my grandmother and all of the grandchildren's names were in it-EXCEPT MINE. He was trying to be 'fair' by naming all the grandchildren in order by age, and he missed my name. Also, he was using the phrase, "your blood flows through my veins" as a recap line after line. He had read something about someone trying to get home to see her dying father, thinking, "wait for me, your blood is flowing through my veins." My father didn't make it in time to say goodbye to his mom, so that line really resonated with him. But, when he forget MY name, it made it look as if he did that because he was thinking about the blood line and that through freudian slip, he forgot my name. My dad let him know when he came back that he forgot my name.

I was singing for the funeral, and when I got up to sing, he got up and said, "In my grief, I forgot my wonderful, lovely daughter Meghan, who I love so very much, and was just as important to my mother, and who has a beautiful voice that she is going to share with us." He looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, Meg." I said it was okay, and hugged him. His apology really meant a lot to me.

c) a mentor who I was really close to, who was almost like an older brother to me, moved away and I was truly heartbroken, again, I think, reinforcing my need for my father's attention.

Since the funeral, my father has paid MUCH more attention to his behavior. For instance, he'll say, "I know that you didn't mean to forget, but could you set the table?" Instead of "set the table." And, he says, "I love you" a lot more frequently. I also began to email my dad while I was at school, which helped keep up the communication and let him know that I wanted to talk to him. Before, I had always emailed my mom because he never emailed me, but I began emailing him as a way of working on our relationship. It's really helped. Now, I can go to my Dad for support for some of my problems, and its not always on my mom to fix things.

Excuse me for giving you a whole family history, U-Dog, but my point in sharing all of this is that death and loss impact people a lot in terms of those they love. As they get older, people realize that they aren't going to be around forever and regret that they didn't see and accept their loved ones for who they were/are. Now, at least i know that if one of us dies tommorrow, my dad and I can know that we had established a better relationship of respect and love together, that we showed our love to each other. We probably would have some regrets, but we would have a lot more peace. And, it is my hope that in Many, many years, when one of us does die, we can feel that we had a good, solid, loving relationship. I am relieved to know that.

The second person that I haven't really talked to for a year or so is the mentor of mine that moved. We were really close before he left and we had an argument over the email system about an academic project of mine he was involved in. And, he had a really bad experience at Gordon, where he used to be my teacher. Personally, I really yearn to speak to him once in a while, and the fact that he encouraged me to think of him as a committed friend/confident and now doesn't even want to talk on the phone, ever, for even five minutes, hurts very much. And, the way he handled our project actually screwed up some things for me academically because of all the intense stress and practical confusion that he caused. And, I did freak out at him when he tried to back out of doing the project, even though I had very good reasons for doing so. But, I think that he has reasons relating to his family and their well being and his job for doing what he does...and so, if he emailed and said "I really still pray for you and am your friend." I would be thrilled, and I would take that opportunity to tell him the same thing-because, some of the issues he's facing aren't necessarily going to be there forever, and, even if they are, he might die tomorrow, and that would be that.


So, I would go gradually. Going to fast isn't good for everyone. But, I would give your aunt the benefit of the doubt. If she is beloved and dear to you, and you are to her, than I have hope that you guys can work through what happened between you with mutual patience, honestly, compassion and strength. Loved ones and friendships are worth fighting for, even if the reparative process is slow or your relationship has changed.

Bless you, u dog. I'll be praying for you.
-Meghan

[tdogg]

Thanks so much Meghan, Z, Bill & Nick!

Actually, I have forgiven my aunt (she's not too old tho only in her early 60s) - however I don't trust her. Perhaps that means I have not yet forgiven her totally?

I decided to answer her back with a simple, I love you too, very much. Her response was "I know you do." that's it so far. Taking it slow and see what happens.

I will work on reaching back out to her with faith and trust. I must not give in to hurt or anger. I need to stay loving and compassionate, and keep in mind she is a victim of false teaching and religion. I do love her very much! :love::love:

[u-dog]

U-Dog,

.

Bless you, u dog. I'll be praying for you.
-Meghan


Just to clarify... It was the other "dawg" ... TDogg... not U-dog (or would that be me-dog?)

[BrentRichards]

Actually, I have forgiven my aunt (she's not too old tho only in her early 60s) - however I don't trust her. Perhaps that means I have not yet forgiven her totally?

I don't think that's what it means at all. I think forgiveness is given freely, but trust must be (re)earned ... for example, if a partner in a relationship forgives their other half for domestic violence, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to move back in. Being forgiving isn't the same as being dumb.

[labguy22]

Very nicely put Brent, I completely agree.
tdogg is being wise to proceed slowly. The forgiveness is not in question.

Be Blessed,
Nick

[tdogg]

Thanks Brent and Nick. :love: I really have forgiven, and I understand why my aunt thinks the way she does. To a certain extent she is a victim of all that was taught to her as well.

But you are right, taking it very slowly and cautiously.

[pnggrad79]

TDogg,
I get "I love you" too from my homophobic sisters and parents, but they still won't let me near them. It is antiseptic love at best and to me, no love at all. This friend or whatever she is to you, may be trying to "love the sinner, hate the sin" and thinks that she can win you over from your "deviant" lifestyle if she tells you that she loves you. You know the old saying, "You get more flies with honey than you do vinegar". Just a thought.
My wife loves me and I love her, and to me she is all I have. Well, her and my two daughters are what I consider my family now. And I wouldn't give my wife up for no amount of pressure, insincere "I love you"'s from well-meaning but phobic family members, or money. She is the best thing to happen to my life ever, and no one will ever convince me otherwise. Gotta go back to bed with her. She is sleeping and there is nothing more peaceful than to cuddle up next to her. That's love, not their kind.
I would respond kindly to her but be prepared for the preaching if she hasn't already started. :rolleyes:

[Daniel]

You've mentioned this aunt before, which tells me that this situation has much significance for you.

Practically speaking, I would, out of courtesy, respond is some way. At least ackowledge that you got the message. Now. If she meant you to 'get' another message in the message, you'll have to look to your history and intuition, seeing that the message itself is so brief. That said, you could take it at face value.

Extract the love and let the rest go.

I like to think that loving thoughts are within all of us- even those of us who are the most messed up. That Light is within us all- trying to get out- despite and still.

[scott snedeker]

Thanks Brent and Nick. :love: I really have forgiven, and I understand why my aunt thinks the way she does. To a certain extent she is a victim of all that was taught to her as well.

But you are right, taking it very slowly and cautiously.

Victim is right. A line in Harry Potter struck me. He pitied Valdamort because though powerful, he had no love. Fredrick Douglass considered slavers to be the ultimate moral victims of the institution. ---From My Bondage and my Freedom

Homophobia is an obstacle to love. In her way she is overcoming this handicap to reach out to you. She seems to be doing the best she can given her level of awareness.

Maybe this thought and your appreciation of her effort given her handicap might be a way to breach the barrier of homophobia.

If the topic comes up perhaps you could communicate that you don't hold her accountable for having the handicap of homophobia but do credit her with the effort to prevent it from separating her from you.
:love:

[tdogg]

I like to think that loving thoughts are within all of us- even those of us who are the most messed up. That Light is within us all- trying to get out- despite and still.

I agree with you here. I think she probably misses me a lot, we were quite close. I miss her too, the non-homophobic parts.

Great advice, Scotty, thanks!

So far, nothing back. I did hear she moved back to No. California from Ohio, and that would explain her sudden reappearance into my life (via email, her favorite tool of communication). If that's the case, then it would in part have something to do with her continuing to want to 'save me'. If she's still in Ohio, I could see the 'missing me' part. Guess if I wanted to spend oodles of time, I could come up with all sorts of scenarios. Instead, I'm not thinking about it too much right now.