Hi everyone

[SomervilleGuy]

Hi people,
I just finished reading "Standing At the Gate" by Mel White, and could really relate to his story, since I have been in conservative Christian churches for about 25 years. And then I found this wonderful website. Altho Ive been married for awhile, I have finally come to terms with my sexuality and realize that it is ok to be Christian and be gay. What a HUGE revelation this was for me after constantly hearing negative stuff about this!! I have decided to come out. Will be happening soon. Very glad I found this forum to help me through this. This is my first post. Looking forward to reading others' posts.
Geoff

[keltic63]

hi Geoff,

Welcome to the soulforce forums. There are plenty of people like you here, I'm one that was in a straight marriage, and left it to come out. Others, have chosen different paths. U-dog for instance, is still in his straight marriage, has come out to his wife, and they are working on their marriage together. There are many ways to go, don't let anyone tell you which is best for you, only you know that.

However, we are here to help. so let us know what we can do to help you along your journey.

[Daniel]

Glad you found this forum.

Yes! You can be gay and Christian. You'll find many here who have traveled and dealt with the same issues facing you. It really is a huge thing to lay down all that condemnation. Good for you!

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome!

[Zerbie]

Glad you are here. You found a wonderful place.

Yes, Keltic and U-dog are just two of several members here who have been where you are, and they have chosen to take different paths in how they dealt with their own coming out. They are wonderful gentle souls with many words of wisdom for all of us.

Hope you will enjoy the community.

[SomervilleGuy]

Thanks, Keltic, Daniel and Zerbie for the welcome. You are right, I feel so free of the condemnation and guilt - it is a WONDERFUL, JOYFUL thing!! Just so you know, my wife has some idea but I havent really spelled it out for her yet. I really believe that I want to end the marriage and have a male life partner, but telling her this will be hard. Thank God, I have a wonderful therapist and that she is a gay-friendly Christian, and a PhD, and my wife respects her, so that is great. So she is a HUGE blessing in my life. When I started seeing her, and told her about my secrecy and my feelings, she is the one who told me that I should just admit that I am gay, should come out, divorce and find a life partner. So that's the path Im on. I feel really bad about telling my wife of this - weve been married for over 20 years and have 3 kids. On the other hand, I believe it will spare all of us a worse pain later. So thats the quick and dirty version of my story. Looking forward to getting to know you all better. Daniel, I admire you for your commitment to your partner. Would love to meet you both sometime and hear your stories, since someday I will most likely have a partner too. I have to say that I have such a wonderful newfound compassion for GLBT folks that I never had before. Was always afraid of them. Now I am one with them and just want to celebrate and show the love of God to all of them! Am SO looking forward to fellowshipping with GLBT folks. This is truly awesome!! :D:D
Geoff

[Daniel]

Geoff-

Glad you hear that you have a good therapist! You're gonna need her, but then, you know that.

There are quite a few commited couples here on the forum, and even one instance where two members have become a couple. So- anything's possible! I have no doubt that- with your present attitude- love with another guy will make itself known in due course. :D

You know- I bet your wife knows about your being gay- at least on some level. So you most likely won't be telling her something out of the blue. Though I can't speak from experience- I never married a woman- nor slept with one! :eek: Steve is your man on that front.

I just pray that the process of coming out and divorcing your wife is cushioned and blessed by grace.

And I'm happy to share life stories. PM me if you'd like to yak.

[Allen Pope]

Hey Folks,

I have read some of the postings and I would love to be a help and a resource for any of you, but especially for the married guys coming out or planning to do so. Take nothing for granted and all advice with a grain of salt. Some very well intentioned people gave me bad advice because they just sort of assumed that everything would eventually turn out since coming out is "the right thing to do" It has not and may never be the right thing for me to do. I deeply regret coming out

Many people tell wonderful stories about coming out but the idea that every closeted gay many should come out is just not true. I should never have told my wife and when I did so naively thinking "she has a right to know" as a conservative but progressive pastor, I put my life and ministry and ability to make a living in her hands. That genie can never go back in the bottle, I don't care what Ted Haggard proclaims. Telling her (over a decade before I came out publically) was very naive and stupid and set me up for some very horrific years of difficulty. I read Stranger at the Gate and thought it would be like that. It was not. I am happy Mel has a happy story to tell but someone should write a book about the other side of the coin. I have a working title for my eight year coming out saga which is "When Abba Goes Awol” My situation was hellish and still is after eight years, shows no sign of improvement and I have found little to no tangible support in the GBLT community in Southern California or anywhere else.

While I appreciate the nice notes and words of encouragement and assurances that all will work out, I am beginning to believe what I never thought possible, that doing "the right thing" by coming out might ruin my professional life forever, so badly that I will never recover. That is certainly what it looks like now. I appreciate this forum as a place where people can be honest and, honestly, after eight years, I wish I had stayed in the closet and NEVER told my wife and given her life and death power over my entire life.

She tried to work things out with me at first but, sadly, became mentally unstable, had rage attacks, attacked me, would drag our four sons (who were in their late teens and early 20's at the time) into all our fights. Finally, one night she attacked me because I couldn't perform sexually and then she picked up the phone and called 911 as I lay bleeding on the floor. When the cops arrived, she invited them in, admitted to attacking me, told the truth that all I did was try to push her off me and not hurt her. I was bleeding rather badly and she did not have a scratch on her (this all happened in front of our four sons. I couldn't control her or make her stop.she just went beserk)...so the cops cuffed and arrested her there in our family room in front of my four sons and took her to jail. It took the next 14 hours and $10,000.00 of my savings and the full use my Pepperdine Law School connections to get her out, which meant my congregation (being 60-75% Pepperdine employees from the computer techs to the Provost and Dean of the Faculty and several other Deans) soon heard all about it and some thought they must be hearing it wrong so started telling people I attacked her.

She had been stealing money, lying to me, hacking into my email, using the key I had given her to my church office to go through it and hack into my church computer and (at the time I had a pager) somehow got my pager message number and code and my all of my several voice mail codes from my cell, office, and private lines.

I told her our marriage was over and that I had lost count of the wedding vows she had broken time and time again. I told her that if she ever drew the kids into another fight, I would divorce her the next day (I was trying to hold on to keep my very good paying job, my reputation and most of all my sons ...the youngest was about to turn 18 and I knew any custody battle would be as ugly as her arrest and her family has lots of money and mine has none...so I wanted to wait until he was close enough to turning 18 to divorce her

She had another fit a few weeks later, on a Saturday afternoon except this was during the day, she picked a fight about sex and ran screaming into the back yard, breaking dishes and ranting that I would not be faithful to her and that I had been "screwing around on her" That is a genie that cannot be put back in the bottle. She tried to lie to the boys again but all four boys and many of the neighbors heard her. That was it for me. I ended all marital relations and prepared to start the divorce process. But then our # 3 son who had already turned 18 got high on night and committed two felonies. The next two years are just black... he went to county jail for over a year, his mother continued to berate me for being a horrible father, husband, and blaming me, and then, since she knew we HAD to keep our income to help our son, she began to out me to a few, chosen, carefully selected friends and relatives. It began to leak out at Pepperdine, at Abilene Christian University where I had been a star Grad student and a Full Time Youth and Family Minister for a high profile congregation and I knew my life was over as whispers and words begin to seep from Pepperdine (where she worked as an Administrator) into the congregation and from one of the Elders she told. She claimed each "outing" was just "someone to talk to" but it was clearly her passive-aggressive way of going after me.

Once our son got released, I gave my elders a note of resignation simply stating that I was resigning for personal reasons and leaving the denomination. Most thought it was because of my son but it was the opposite, I empowered my unbalanced and selfish wife to drag our sons through hell because I am gay and she manipulated that to the very end and still does. She is the victim, I am the terrible guy who "left her" and "chose a sinful lifestyle" (single since divorcing her.never even a boyfirend)

She broke our pre-divorce agreement that we would remain in Southern California, continue to co parent our grown sons and pool our resources to do so. I gave her half of my net worth, let her keep all of hers and gave her all the house contents...so she was well set already and I took a few thousand dollars in retirement funds...which once I cashed out to pay bills and get to my menial jobs,

Her well off family/parents stepped in and bought her a house in Idaho, gave her and three of my sons a car. Two ended up going with her to Idaho at first because son #3 violated his probation and went back to jail (I was astonished when she left anyway) and son #2 was preparing to marry his long time girlfriend and she will never leave CA.

I tried long distance relationships but she kept interfering and telling the boys inappropriate and untrue information. I visited son #3 every single week (which is all they allowed) until he got out and since I had move about three hours away started driving up to spend my weekends with them. She flew them all to Idaho and told me not to dare show up at her parents’ house for Christmas that year and took a family photo, which we had been sending out to hundreds of friends and family since 1978, with just her and the four grinning, happy, handsome sons of our. She wrote a long, martyred, victimized letter making it sound like I had just checked out of the family and gone off to "be gay" somewhere abandoning my family and her to their own devices...after all I had given her to make sure she would be OK and in spite of the fact that I knew (I had seen the bank accounts and stock certificates when my ex father in law was bragging to me about how rich they were and how much richer they would be when my ex's grandfather died. Both men are now dead and my ex's Mom is very financially comfortable and they live in the same house...spent hundreds of thousands remodeling an already very lovely home...and shower the boys wit extravagent gifts, pay their bill, put downpayments on cars, make house payments, etc etc. And I can't pay my own bills.

Next, she got the money to move son #3 to Idaho...which was not a bad idea had it only been to keep him out of more legal trouble...but it was a concerted effort to separate me and my sons.

I continued to visit my one remaining son in CA...It was three hours one way from Laguna Beach to Thousand Oaks.... a three hour drive right through LA... to see him and his wife to be. After another month or so, my son told me not to come that weekend that his Mom was coming to visit and had told him she did not want me around. I have a some idea about what she must have said that weekend, but the result was my son stopped returning my calls. I always called him toward the end of the week to make sure it was OK to come for a visit and usually dinner or a movie.sometimes I'd stay the night and sometime not, depending on all our schedules. After about two weeks of unreturned messages, my son called my office voicemail at night and left a long, terrible, screaming, crying message stating that until I got on my knees in front of everyone and begged forgiveness for all I had done, he never wanted to see me again. He even said she was going to sue me for the money I owed her and he said he might see me in court when they took me to jail for failing to pay her what I agreed to pay.


She began calling me "gay Allen" and would rebuke the boys if they called me "Dad" in her presence. She mandated that I be known only as "Allen" if I had to be spoken about at all. She tried to jump into my side of the family but they saw right through her and that backfired badly on her.

So, in 2003, I packed my bags and did what she never thought I would do, I moved back to Boise, Id... A place I dislike but where all my family now lives except son #2. I am fully reconciled with all of them, the boy soon discovered the strings attached to all the lavish gifts and when my ex's Dad died, the money stopped flowing so freely to the boys and was redirected to their Mom who could now use it (and the large additional life insurance fund and the even larger estate of my ex's grandfather who died soon after) so she could dispense the goodies.

I could barely make ends meet and couldn't a couple of times and the Episcopal Church help me out financially both times. But I moved here, worked very hard with each son to re-establish a relationship and refused to do what I have done in this private posting and bash their Mom. In fact, I damned her with praise for all the money she obviously had to buy plane tickets for all the holidays, pay all their expenses, help them pay for cars, rent, boats, trips, etc. They also saw how I was willing to go from being a respected pastor to a guy cleaning toilets at Starbucks just so I could be near them and win them back...and I did!!
I now have two grandsons who spend time with me regularly (I babysat them all day yesterday) They belong to son #3 , the convicted felon, who is now a wonderful father, a devoted husband to my wonderful daughter in law has a good job in construction and is naming his son #3 o the way in October after me. Our relationship is very tight. My oldest son and I share a house with my nephew and we have a fantastic and close relationship. My youngest son lives nearby and he and his wife are expecting our first granddaughter next month. They are naming her after my second child, our only daughter, who died very suddenly and unexpectedly from an undetected congenital heart defect when she was ten days old.

My son and his beautiful wife in CA and I had a wonderful reconciliation right before his wedding. He and his wonderful wife had a very expensive and beautiful wedding and the money poured in from his Mom, so as time has progressed, all four of the boys have come to understand their mom lied to them about some things and exaggerated about others. I rarely said a word; I just gave her enough rope to hang herself. She did the rest and now they recognize she deceived them and all four of them have let me know how sorry they are/were to just take her at her word and not ask me...and the fact that I refused to respond in kind (I just kept reminding myself how it would still tear me up if my Mom ever started saying things about my Dad she said about me..some of it was sexually inappropriate and matters that only husbands and wives (even divorced ones) should only talk about with each other or a therapist or maybe one very stable and reliable personal friend, not mutual friends from when we were a couple.

BUT THEN THERE IS THIS!!

Maybe it's just a personal defect that is my fault, but I went from thriving guy on his way up as a Preacher and Professor to a homeless guy, 50k in debt and dependant on my grown sons and aging parents to keep a roof over my head. The IRS has destroyed my credit and I cannot even get an entry level job now because I show up as "high risk" on the credit reports everyone requires today. I had to cash in my retirement funds to survive over the past eight years and made regular montly payments and they seized any refunds I had coming since 2000..but when I lost my job in March and got refused for unemployment, I called them and told them my situation, tried to explain, etc. but under the Bush Administration, they are back to their old nasty selves and when they reviewed my 7 years of small but faithful payments, they hit me with a lien against all properties and earnings. I have none of the above (the most expensive thing I still own is a blender. Seriously) and no income except charity from my kids and a friend who is in decent shape but not rich...so I feel like I am the bottom of a well yelling for someone to throw me a rope and people keep walking by and saying, "I am so sorry, I will pray for you" and keep on moving. When I ask, “how about a rope”, they say, "If you just go out and get a menial job, you will be able to afford to buy your own rope. Just can't seem to get past the old American "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" and get to "I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I needed shelter and you sheltered me" Even most GBLT "Christians" are "do it yourself Americans" first and not followers of the teachings of the Gospel

So, if I can ever get anyone throw me an admittedly costly rope, I am so hurt and insulted and even angry about how my story is received that if I ever live long enough to get out of the well, I am going into the rope business and help other GBLT folks, especially Pastors and religious leaders.
We lose it all...money, family, connections, networking, friends ...it is like we landed on a different planet in a spaceship. We have to go from being a mid level executive to menial jobs and work our way up...which I have tried 7 times since 2000 and as a result, I am much worse off financially than when I was 17, married, working two jobs full time and with a baby on the way with a stay at home mom.

Sorry this was so long. If you are still reading, thanks. I appreciate prayers but I am struggling very hard to believe that anyone is listening.
After eight years, I am struggling not to be cynical but when Jesus asks the question "If a son asks for bread, will his father give him a rock, if he asks for food will the father give him a serpent."
I preached dozes of sermons affirming that clearly the answer to those questions is "no". Now, I know from personal experience that sometimes, the answer is yes.the son will get snakebit.

If anyone reads this, I am sure there will be lots of questions, challenges, etc I hope there are. I would love to hear from other gay Christians where "Stranger at the Gate" isn't your story. I wish it were mine

If you are still reading NOW, thanks! I hope to hear back from you


Allen Pope

[Daniel]

Allen,

Hey guy. I know you are new to the forum. And we all appreciate your post, but I want to suggest to you that you move it to 'your' thread- that is- your the one about you. That way, you can both get the attention you deserve, and things won't get mixed up.

[Pablo Rafael]

I just want to say hello and welcome. I, like you, have been very blessed by Mel White. It was the sharing of his story that first set me on a path of self-acceptance. He has been a blessing to many. I stlll have questions about whether divorce is a good option; I am a firm believer in comittments. However, not ever having been married I am in no position to give others advice. I think everyone's situation is different and that God's grace extends to people in all circumstances.

Thanks for sharing with us. I look forward to getting to know you better.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[u-dog]

hi Geoff,

Welcome to the soulforce forums. There are plenty of people like you here, I'm one that was in a straight marriage, and left it to come out. Others, have chosen different paths. U-dog for instance, is still in his straight marriage, has come out to his wife, and they are working on their marriage together. There are many ways to go, don't let anyone tell you which is best for you, only you know that.

However, we are here to help. so let us know what we can do to help you along your journey.


Let me second what STeve says! There are examples of many paths in this forum but nobody is selling anything. We can each tell you what our own path has been like, but we want to support you in finding the right one for you. Just remember that your wife is a real person and has a right to all the information and an active role in finding the path that you will travel -- at least part of the way -- together.

U-dog (aka dave)

[SomervilleGuy]

Thanks for writing back, everybody. Allen, your situation is different from mine in that 1) I am not in a full-time ministry or the pastorate 2) I work in the IT and accounting fields, blended together. There are many GLBT folks in my field, closeted and not. 3) I live in NJ, one of the most liberal states regarding GLBT matters, & so have MANY support groups here, I have discovered. 4) I dont plan to stay with my wife, and work on my marriage. Since I want to have a male life partner, I dont see how I could. Even if I self-identified as bi, my wife would not tolerate any bisexual activity on my part. She is presently a rather conservative Christian and believes gayness is a disorder.

I on the other hand, believe we were created that way, so why keep pretending. I need to just be who I am. Therefore, the only solution is to divorce. I do love her very much and my kids (I have 3), but I feel it is better to do this now, than to get caught later doing something and have a HUGE blow up.

My therapist has given me some GREAT advice about how to handle it all, and I will be getting a lawyer. I am hoping that it will be handled in a collaborative fashion and I will get an apartment across town so as to still be very involved with childcare and help out. If not, then plan B is just have a quick divorce, albeit unpleasant. Still would remain involved with my kids, to one degree or another. One of those two is what is going to happen here. In any event, I will be consulting a lawyer to understand the legal ramifications of this, so I protect myself and really all involved, and am ready for all outcomes.

I know some say you can stay married, but without any sex, how can you do that?? Unless the wife allows the husband to have sex on the side. I know that some allow that, but it just sounds like a whole lot of friction and frustration to me. With my wife's faith, she would NOT allow that and I would feel really weird about it myself. So that is not happening here.

What do you others think? I think I just need to plow ahead and move on with my aforestated plans. This is what my therapist is encouraging me to do.

[crm3]

Hey SomervilleGuy!

I am the daughter of a gay man who conceived me and two of my older sisters in a heterosexual marriage. He divorced my mother because he was tired of hiding from the sexuality he has known was his since he was a child. Fear of retaliation from anti-gay individuals and the loss of the possibility of a family forced him into the closet. After 25 years of marriage my father decided he wanted the loving same sex relationship he had always longed for and my parents split. i have never been more proud of him!!!! And while it was hard for the rest of the family at first, my mom and dad remain close and my father's partner of 8 years is like a second father to us girls and a close friend to my mother. I'm proud of you. It's never a bad thing to be true to yourself and those close to you. i wish you much love and happiness and hope you find your dream guy. i'm sure you will.
P.S. i'm from NJ too! Keep in touch and let me know if you need anything!

[u-dog]

Geoff,

If your path is leading you to disolve your marriage and begin again in an attempt to live more authentically, I have no problem with that at all. I am willing to believe that it is the right thing for you to do... but.

Your wife has given you over 20 years of her life. If you start over... so must she. Only now she is not 20 years old she is in her 40s. She has a right to be part of the journey regardless of where it is leading. so far, from what you have said, it doesn't seem like you or your therapist has allowed her to have any part in your process of discernment.

You say that you want the process to be collaborative but so far... YOU haven't collaborated. You have done all of your processing alone with your therapist (and your therapist let you get away with it) You are planning to get a lawyer. You are going to have all of your ducks in a row and then present her with a "fait accomplis". That is SO UNFAIR to her. You say that you love her... but I don't see much sign of it. You don't say how old your kids are but if they are teenagers and they see you treat their mother like this? They are going to be pissed. .. big time. If they are younger than teenage, your divorce is going to cost them. This may be unavoidable, but don't pretend to yourself that it isn't true. Your marriage is the foundation of their lives and the roof over their heads, if you don't share this journey with your wife and work with her to prepare them for what is coming, they will be damaged.

Geoff, I know it seems like I'm coming down hard on you, but you need to slow this process down. give your wife a chance to process the information, grieve her loss, contribute to the plan for how all of this is going to play out. give your kids a chance to deal with this new information, find a new equilibrium, and begin to lay the groundwork for their new lives.

You have a really rosey picture of how all of this is going to play out, but it doesn't seem very realistic to me. You are going to tell your wife. she is going to be fine. YOu are going to live across town and help out with the kids. You are going to find a life partner and live happily ever after. All of those things are of course possible for you and I wish them for you, but they will become a reality only if you move carefully, responsibly, compassionately and put the real needs of your wife and your children at the top of your list of priorities.

Dave

[SomervilleGuy]

Dave,
I see your point. I certainly am going to tell this to her in love, and am not going to just hit with this out of the blue. Actually, I have been dropping hints over the past few months, and really, she has known that I have had this inclination for a few years. The therapist suggested to me that she and I together meet with her to discuss this. I am thoroughly open to this. Will my wife be? Not sure, but I hope so. Really do want to do this right. However what if she is totally unwilling to discuss this or even listen to me? I think I need to be ready for this. Really though, my heart is to make this process the least painful for her and the kids as possible. However, I cant see stretching this process out over a long period of time, unless it is really clear that this is best for everyone, including me.

CRM3,
Thanks so much for you encouragement!

[crm3]

You're welcome Geoff,
I really feel being honest is the best thing you can do even though it definitely won't be easy for any of the parties involved. I do agree with u-dog that you have to be sure to be gentle with her feelings as she will likely be bitter and resentful at first, which is understandable. Still, I think it is much braver to be honest with yourself and to finally be honest with her than to go on faking contentment and keeping this painful secret. When my dad came out of the closet, it felt like we might all be splintered but i actually think it made us all closer without this deep secret holding us apart. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep us informed and if you ever need anyone to talk to who's lived it from a different perspective, I'm here for you!

[Daniel]

Geoff- I think there are two things to keep in mind here. The person you are talking to and the belief system behind that person. They are not necessarily the same thing.

U-Dog's point about making this an open process with your wife is a great idea. However, this presupposes that your values are in agreement, or are able to come into agreement.

I think the sticking point here is your own gut feeling - as you have expressed it- that your wife's conservative faith may make it very difficult for her to consider you an equal- morally and spiritually. This may be a significant roadblock. Then again, it may not be. Only disclosure and time spend in discussion will reveal this.

What I see as the possible conundrum: your wife will not only has to 'process' the fact that you are gay, but what this means to her within her conservative christian world view. The latter can be exceedingly difficult to deal with seeing that one may be pitted against 'God'. That's a double whammy.

In that event, having a plan is not only prudent, but essential. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

You know your situation better than anyone else.

[paul]

Whew, I'm jumping in here, just saw your post Geoff. Welcome to soulforce. I am fairly new myself, but can attest there are some great people here.


Geoff wrote:
"Dave,
I see your point. I certainly am going to tell this to her in love, and am not going to just hit with this out of the blue. Actually, I have been dropping hints over the past few months, and really, she has known that I have had this inclination for a few years. The therapist suggested to me that she and I together meet with her to discuss this. I am thoroughly open to this. Will my wife be? Not sure, but I hope so. Really do want to do this right. However what if she is totally unwilling to discuss this or even listen to me? I think I need to be ready for this. Really though, my heart is to make this process the least painful for her and the kids as possible. However, I cant see stretching this process out over a long period of time, unless it is really clear that this is best for everyone, including me. "

Geoff,
I would ditto what Dave wrote, I cannot imagine it being said better. You remind me a little of me, which is scary. I'll spare you the gorey details here, you can read a bit about them in my introduction thread if you wish. Briefly, I am married, and have been 30 years. My wife 'knew' of my ssa before we married and I again told her shortly after we married. I too come from a very conservative Christian background (was invited to pastor a church even), and my wife is still a conservative Christian, who believes as you describe your wife (i.e., "I am broken and same sex sex is sin").

Some things you have said have me seeing red flags. This is all speculation on my part, no two situations are alike and I don't presume to instruct you, just give you input from my own experience...for what it may be worth to you. You say you have been "dropping hints over the last few months." What you are hinting and what she is hearing are two very different things. You already know she doesn't have your perspective. It would not be unusual if she is hearing nothing at all because of denial, for instance. How long were you able to deny being gay? And hey, that's with it being part of you. You won't know how she is going to take this until you are very direct and spell out to her who you are. Until then, everything is speculative on your part. Consider this, you have had your whole life to process being gay. In addition, you needed therapy to bring you to a place of acceptance of your self. Your wife didn't sign up for any of this and has had no time to process it, and your going to deliver it in a package that you have had the time to work on. The package looks good to you, look how long you've worked on it. But understand, the package contains a bomb and it will go off when opened. So, you might want to ask your self, what can you do to protect her from the blast?

If I might suggest, it could help, if you are willing, to approach this in the same two stages with her as you did with yourself. First, help her come to terms with your being gay, all by itself, without the instant info that you want to leave her. Second, involve her in what you are going to do about it.

Honestly, right now it sounds like the only person you are considering is your self. Don't mis-understand me, there is no judgement there. I respect that you don't want there to be a future blow up and I respect your honesty. I understand the exhileration of finally being able to accept your self and the hope of living an honest life. But you are not the only person who has been and will be effected by the closet you have lived in. Your wife and kids will be too, and may need the gift of time.

[paul]

I hope you will cut and paste what you have written to your own thread, by way of introduction. You will not be alone here and you will be responded to. As it is right now, this is Geoffs space. But don't take it personally or mis interpret, please do this so we can give you individual attention without taking it from Geoff.
paul

[u-dog]

I hope you will cut and paste what you have written to your own thread, by way of introduction. You will not be alone here and you will be responded to. As it is right now, this is Geoffs space. But don't take it personally or mis interpret, please do this so we can give you individual attention without taking it from Geoff.
paul


Absolutely, Allen. I have been thinking about you alot and am just waiting for you to start your thread!!!

[SomervilleGuy]

Hi all,
Here is an update. I told my wife on Aug 8th that I am gay. She was very upset and angry. However we continued to live in the house but in seperate bedrooms. She continued to try to convince me to repent and turn away from "this sin" pretty much daily. Sent me many articles on changing. I met with her and her therapist and told her that I had gotten an apartment, would be living alone, and would be moving out at some point. That was in early October. I met with her therapist 3 more times after that. I stayed until Nov 6th, at which time, I moved out. The apt is 10 blocks from my house. She remains very hurt and angry and so is my oldest child who will not speak to me. I have seen the younger children since then briefly but she is not ready to allow them to visit me at my apt. So I have been in my apt alone since 11/6. If any of you want to discuss this with me, feel free. I would prefer to do it in private messages rather than posting here since it is very personal. I do have support from a variety of people and groups, so I am ok emotionally for the most part.

[Zerbie]

Wow. . . sounds like a tremendous upheaval full of heartache all round. I hope hearts will mend soon, yours and theirs. I am glad you no longer believe bad things about who you are inside, and that you have support in 3D. Best to you and your family that everyone's heart mends soon.
:pray:

[Jennifer5]

Welcome, glad to have you here! :)

[Blockwell]

To all of you who have given advice on this thread, I want to commend you.

I come to SoulForce occasionally to read the posts and only very rarely contribute myself, but I just wanted to comment on how beautifully all of you handled this issue for SomervilleGuy. Every post supported honesty, integrity, and compassion for everyone involved. After reading each post I would think to myself, “I hope someone mentions…” only to see it addressed in the next post.

I am so thankful that I never had to unravel an old life to create a new one, but if I ever needed advice on the subject, this is where I would come.

Blockwell

[pnggrad79]

Geoff,
It may or may not help you, but as a lesbian, I came out when I was in my late 30's after struggling with it for many years. I felt like I couldn't stay in my 19 year marriage because not only was I not in love with him, (which may not apply in your case) but it wasn't fair to keep him in a marriage that wasn't really a marriage. I was in love with another woman and I wanted to be with her plain and simple. He wasn't a very nice person, so leaving him wasn't a difficult decision.
Being gay and in a straight marriage has its challenges, and I don't pretend to know any answers, and there are many on these forums who are far wiser than me. But as for once being in a straight marriage, count me in, I have been there, done that. I am in a lesbian relationship now and wouldn't go back for anything. Best move I ever made....:rainbow::rainbow::rainbow:
My prayers are with you, because I remember how tough it was and I know the questions running through your mind and what ifs. Find a good counselor, someone to talk to and above all, follow your heart. If I had to do it over again, I would have done it sooner. I wouldn't have waited so long.

[Gennee]

:wave:Welcome to Soulforce, Geoff. I'm sorry to hear about what happened in the family but I pray that things will work out for you both. I read over your opening post. I am transgender and a crossdresser. I told my spouse and son. She is partially accepting and my son is okay with it. We all have our own experiences but you are definitely a member of this unique family.

Gennee

:love:

[SomervilleGuy]

Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate it a lot. Just so you know, I start seeing a therapist in June of this year, a PhD, and she gave me the courage to come out, and a plan of how to do it. So I basically followed her plan. So far it has worked out. I have now gotten to see my two younger children a couple of times, and will continue to weekly. My oldest one (I have 3) is bitter though. He needs space, so I am giving it to him. He sees a therapist who is helping him deal with the anger, thankfully.