thoughts and questions

[megthenut]

hey all. i didn't know where exactly to post this, but i need to talk. i was just talking to a mentor of mine here in texas about how i think i've been avoiding church because i didn't know how the people there would react to my sexuality, but that i'm tired of hiding, i'm tired of not being fully myself. her response was that i'm too young to know or decide. but, when i tried to live in the not knowing, i felt insane. i was seeking healing of something i had never chosen or asked for. i was seeking healing of something that just was.

i know i wasn't born gay, at least i don't think i was. i may have been leaning in that direction, but i liked boys for a couple of years at around ages 5 and 6. i was then raped by a neighborhood boy who was older than me, but i blocked it out and didn't deal with it until college. i was also abused after that by my oldest brother, 7 years older, and shown pornography throughout elementary school by various people. in middle school, i began looking at pornography myself, and though i looked at both heterosexual and homosexual pornography, i was really attracted by the women, and male homosexual pornography also turned me on. after a while, i stopped looking at the heterosexual porn as it became less and less attractive, and as i accepted that i was actually attracted to women. during this time, i wasn't ever physically attracted to anyone. i didn't trust people. but, as i began to deal with the crap i went through as a child, i began to trust people again, and even to trust men. as i did this, i became attracted to people, and the people were women. the more i've healed, the more attracted to women i've become. that hasn't changed over time, only increased, i guess.

now, i have people asking me to not decide that i'm a lesbian in case God decides to heal me. so, what do they want me to do? sit around and wait on god the rest of my life while i live celibate or some shit? to live in limbo forever, in this hell? i came out to myself in may 2007. i'd been in an ex gay ministry, but then decided that i'm just a lesbian, and it's okay with me and with god. but, i'm still in texas surrounded by the community that doesn't agree with me, though i just found out that the episcopal church i've visited in town is welcoming and affirming in all ways. i think i need that community.

this is what i wrote in may 2007:
i'm exhausted, and i'm only a month from 24. i'm tired of being something i'm not, of aiming for a "goal" i don't believe i'll ever get. i think i'm homosexual. i hate to aim to know anything. i'm terrified of being wrong. but, i can't see heterosexuality in the cards for me. it once was, but at 7 years of age, someone stole that card, and i'm told i can't have it back. and i don't want it back anymore. 'cause i'm tired. i won't fight this forever. i will fight to be godly forever, and i'll be spent and exhausted by that, but i won't fight to not be homosexual, to be heterosexual anymore. you tell me it's a choice, but you're wrong. to strive to be godly is a choice. i chose to kiss bruce at 6, to want andrew at 7, but i never chose to want to kiss them, nor did i choose to want to kiss my best friends at 22. i chose not to kiss them, but i didn't not choose these desires. i will not fight this and hurt a family, exhaust myself in order to have a family, to pretend.

i'm meg. i'm sexually attracted to women, not men. i'm still meg. i will strive after godliness. i will be god's. i still cannot completely reconcile my sexual desires with my beliefs. they both co-exist. this, i know. i am called to ministry. in this, i will live radical expressions of sexuality and community. i will fight for social justice. i will fight for all of god's creation. and i will be a homosexual christian writer in god's creation. why does the homosexual matter? no, i am not only my sexuality, but it is still a part of me, a part of me that cannot cease to exist, a part of me that some hate, if only in others right now for the fact that my sexuality is "hidden." god, how does one live truly, wholly, holy, genuinely? i want to defend my father and that fact that his sexuality never changed. i want to defend my father's godliness. i will be real, honest, meg. i will not create in myself a feigned heterosexuality. i will not fake heterosexuality until i make it. indeed, i cannot. i will not. i don't know where i will be, but i know where i am. i am homosexual. i know this, better than others. they cannot know where i am in sexuality better than me. nor can they know where i will be.

god, i'm yours. i know only now, and now, i am homosexual. i'm going to rest, god, and be yours in this life i'm in. i'm gonna rest, god damn it. and this is where i am. so i rest here, god, okay? hey church, family, friends, god, meg, i'm resting here, okay? i'm going to be, now. get over it! this isn't just a struggle. it's where i am, day in, day out. i exist here. i live here. i sleep, i wake up here. all i can choose is how to act here, as you choose how to act there. yes, i'm homosexual, lesbian. hi there, still meg. still human. still god's. hi. i even still love god, and god even still loves me. forever. wherever.

after i wrote this, and told people, i felt so much peace. it was truly the peace that passes understanding. any thoughts? i'm hurting here. i'm tired of being told there's no way i could know, or that in choosing i'm blocking out god's possibility of healing me. what, i'm supposed to wait? really? i can't come out just in case god decides to perform an unheard of miracle? this hurts like hell and i'm so tired. when people push me like this, i just want to try to kill myself again, and i don't want to go down that road again. it was truly insanity, but i just keep hearing all of this. i'm not saying i want a label, i'm just saying i want to be all of myself, not just part. i don't want to hide anymore.

[Zerbie]

Meg, Meg, (((( Meg ))))
:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love::l ove:

Hush. :love::dove: You don't need to worry about the future or labels, or any of that! If it works for you to "claim" your identity as homosexual, then by all means, claim it!!! You can't take care of future years now, you take care of NOW, now, and future years in future years. If someday your attraction happens to swing towards men again, then you can think about changing the label you use.

NONE of this is written in stone and you do NOT need to have the right answer at any time. Your job is to BE. Just be. Choose what works for you now.

If it is valid and validating for you to claim your lesbian identity by all means claim it. If you get interested in a man someday, so what? It does not INvalidate the sexuality you experience now. Now is still real.

You've made it through the really hard part. You survived sexual assault and abuse. THAT - getting through it - was the hardest thing of all. You are victorious, Meg! :magic:

The labels, so what? You choose a label if you want to, if the label feeds you, if it answers questions, if it validates and strengthens you and if it rings true. If it doesn't serve you then you don't need it.

Remember that sexuality exists on a continuum and you may experience changes with time. That is okay, it is not at all unusual especially in women, and it in no way means that a sexual orientation experienced in the past wasn't real at that time. These things are far more fluid than people like to think. Use the label if it serves you. Drop it if it doesn't.

There's something to be said for living in openness and fluidity, but perhaps you need a grounding rock to stand on right now. If "lesbian" is that grounding rock for you, then anchor to it.

Rest well Meg. Snuggle up with a favorite movie and a cup of tea, then sleep well tonight.

[scott snedeker]

Meg,


You are a cherished representative of the magnificent species, homo sapiens, with drives and desires influenced by genetics and nurturing. You are a complete person as is. What makes you feel best is best.....for you. And no one else's opinion matters. Your inner spirit loves you exactly as you are, as you have been, and as you will be in the future!

[Steven E. Webster]

i'd been in an ex gay ministry, but then decided that i'm just a lesbian, and it's okay with me and with god. but, i'm still in texas surrounded by the community that doesn't agree with me, though i just found out that the episcopal church i've visited in town is welcoming and affirming in all ways. i think i need that community.


Meg,
You are very fortunate to have a welcoming and affirming Christian congregation near by. Congregations that are accepting of Lesbian and Gay people did not use to be very common. Obviously, not everyone in your community thinks like the ex-gay ministry folks.

Seeing that you are also dealing with some past abuse, it might not hurt to have a counselor who can help you with that stuff. I don't think you should necessarily connect your current sexual orientation with the fact that you were abused---the fact of your orientation and the fact of your abuse may have no connection with one another--they are two separate facts. If you select a counselor, it should be one that can treat your sexual orientation as o.k. while helping you with the troubling events of your past.

They tell me that the sexuality of women can be more fluid than that of men--I don't know. I'm a man and figure my sexual oreintation has been the same since I popped out into this world, or even before. After 56 years I expect it to be pretty much the same when I come to life's end. But that's not how everybody is. Nor do I think people can simply decide "Yesterday I was gay, tomorrow I'll be straight." I don't think anyone has a therapy or a "cure" that can make that happen. I'm a Christian and I don't think anyone can "pray away the gay." But some people just change--and that's another mystery. So what Zerbie says has some wisdom to it.

Find some people in your community that accept and value you just as you are! If you don't find them at the Episcopal church, look elsewhere. God's angels in this world aren't all found in church.

God bless you!

Steven Webster

[u-dog]

Not only does God love you, Meg, but I do too !!! You are so courageous, so alive, and so beautiful. What you wrote was such an awesome manifesto! I can only imagine God jumping to his metaphorical feet and applauding you wildly :)

It sounds to me like you are perfectly comfortable with the "lesbian label" and that you have claimed it for yourself. That you were sexually assaulted is a tragedy and an outrage. That trauma COULD have had some impact on your sexual orientation or... it could be totally UNrelated.

In either case... you know in your heart who you are and when the person you are meant to love enters your life you will recognize her (him? ;))

Trust yourself, trust God... love yourself and love God... and surround yourself with people who love YOU more than they love their idolatrous religious ideology! If people don't/can't affirm who you know yourself to be then SHAKE THE DUST OFF YOUR SANDALS and move on!! :love::love::love:

[Zerbie]

MThey tell me that the sexuality of women can be more fluid than that of men--I don't know. I'm a man and figure my sexual oreintation has been the same since I popped out into this world, or even before. After 56 years I expect it to be pretty much the same when I come to life's end. But that's not how everybody is. Nor do I think people can simply decide "Yesterday I was gay, tomorrow I'll be straight." I don't think anyone has a therapy or a "cure" that can make that happen. I'm a Christian and I don't think anyone can "pray away the gay." But some people just change--and that's another mystery. So what Zerbie says has some wisdom to it.

Steven Webster

It darn well better! :lol:

That happened to me. No explaining it, just one day BLAM! I suddenly liked guys. :confused: Since there's a change in there, I don't know to this day whether I'm bisexual or authentically straight but used-to-be gay. Which would make me an official Ex Gay, so maybe that would put me in violation of forum guidelines. :eek: Squeek! Please don't ban me! :lol:

[Daniel]

i came out to myself in may 2007. i'd been in an ex gay ministry, but then decided that i'm just a lesbian, and it's okay with me and with god. but, i'm still in texas surrounded by the community that doesn't agree with me, though i just found out that the episcopal church i've visited in town is welcoming and affirming in all ways. i think i need that community.

I think you know yourself better than anyone else in these matters. And I hope you will follow your nose. It knows.

May sound silly, but it's true. ;)

[pnggrad79]

Meg, honey, don't be afraid to be what naturally feels comfortable to you. You can be a Christian and follow God and be gay. I used to not think so, too, and I stayed out of church for 3 long years after coming out, convinced that God didn't love me because I was a lesbian. After asking my partner to marry me, I decided it was time to find a church where we could hold each other's hand, and be a couple. There are several churches in the Houston area, Austin, Dallas, San Antonio that would welcome you with open arms.

I don't know where you are at, specifically, but if a relationship with God is important to you, and I think it is, find a place to connect, get involved and learn to be comfortable in your own skin.

Whether or not being abused as a child had any effect on your sexuality remains to be seen. The point is that if being gay is who you are, and the sooner you accept yourself as that, the sooner you will be happy and complete. It is very fluid, so go with your heart and don't pigeonhole yourself. Allow yourself to explore your feelings and when the right fit comes along, you will know it.

Enough toxic religion and and enough toxic people in your life... Shake them off like dirty clothes and be free, my friend...:)

Grace and peace to you, Meg. You are welcome here.