Tired of suffering? hurting? being lonely? being afraid?

[NathanATX]

(posted on my blog today, 8-3-07, http://blog.myspace.com/nathanatx)

Tired of suffering? hurting? being lonely? being afraid?

I was reading a book about prayer and meditation earlier today. Two lines from Buddhist teaching struck a deep chord with me. There are four noble truths which are the foundation of Buddhism. The first two that I read today are simply: 1. Life means suffering. 2. The origin of suffering is attachment.

Jesus said that we are essentially guaranteed to have trouble, heartache and suffering... but he said "be of good cheer" because he overcame the world. I, personally, believe that what he meant is that he, like the Buddha, mastered the art of not being attached.

Remember Jesus' teachings about not worrying about what you're going to eat, to wear or where you sleep? He said that if God can take care of the sparrows and if God can clothe the grass of the fields with lillies, then surely God can take care of you.

How much of your fear, worry, depression, anxiety, sadness, etc.... is because of some kind of attachment?

Maybe you believe that you'll only be happy when you're in a relationship. Or that you can only relax when you're financially secure. Maybe you're afraid to love because you loved someone once and that love was discarded.

What would it be like to live a life free from attachment? I can't really fathom that, so let's break it down smaller.

You accidentally wake up late for work... you start thinking about all the bills you have to pay, and what if you get fired because you're late, and...

A coworker steals your ideas and gets promoted... you're angry, humiliated, jealous, hurt, afraid...

Your lover pays too much attention to a young hottie at a party... someone has put a vice grip on your heart and you can't breathe... what if you lose the one you love?...

The doctor has left a message for you to call her immediately... the call you have been praying wouldn't come has come. You're racked with sobs... of guilt, of fear, of grief...

We are so incredibly attached to everything around us... our material possessions, people, jobs... even our health and very lives.

What would it be like to truly have the "peace that passes understanding" or to live without having those attachments?

For me, this is a moment-by-moment challenge. This is, in fact, one of the most common ways I pray. When I feel some kind of attachment strangling my gut... and I know you know what I mean... I ask myself, "What am I afraid of?" I remind myself that even if the worst possible things happened, I would still be ok. Even if I lost my job, got evicted, lost my car. Even if I never find love. Even if I become very sick with cancer or HIV. Even if I die. I know deep in my spirit that I am cradled in God's hands. I know I am ok. I am safe. And all is well.

Life means suffering. It sucks, but it's true.

Suffering orginates from attachment. If you weren't attached to some idea, some thing, some person, some goal, some way you wish life was different, etc... you wouldn't "be" suffering in the midst of loss, change and difficulty.

I can't really grasp a suffering-less life right now because I have sooo many attachments. While I can't really let them go, I am becoming aware of them.

I'm aware of how I envision my life to be. I'm aware of what I want my future relationship to be like and how sometimes I desparately want it now. I'm aware how attached I am to having a better body, cooler hair, better teeth. (yeah, I'm putting it all on the line here.) I'm aware of how attached I am to the idea of being successful, funny and popular. I'm aware of how I *wish* I made some decisions differently, handled money differently, treated people differently, etc. I'm aware of the disparity between my integrity on my "bad days" and when I'm truly "being my word."

Awareness of what you're attached to is the first step, my friends.

Then you get to practice "letting go." And you think awareness is difficult? :) I'll talk more about letting go soon.

As you become aware of your attachments and what you may think are your shortcomings, remember to look deeper than outward appearances and actions. Look deep into your soul and know that the truth about you is this... you are perfect, whole and complete... just as you are. God doesn't see you as weak, as "less than," or as wrong. Instead, God sees Himself in you... you were created in God's very image... the spark, the breath, the essence of God-which is love, lives in you.

So be brave. Be aware. And be peaceful.

For all truly is well.

Peace,
Nate Black

[paul]

Hi Nate,

Good stuff.

One of the biggest attachments I find to wrestle with is my inclination to build an image. There was a time when I believed that idolatry was one of the commandments most often being broken in life. We learn early in life what we believe is acceptable to others and create an image to achieve that acceptance, essentially 'worshiping' that "image."

I appreciated your "putting it all on the line." "Hair, body, teeth," "funny" personality. These are things we often seem to 'cultivate' to find acceptance. But, what we really want and need is love, I think. We buy into the notion that if we achieve the cultural standard of beauty we will be "popular and successful." And we may be, if all we want is a form of acceptance from others and our selves. But what finds "acceptance" is the image, the facade, not the person underneath who has learned to hide to avoid possible rejection. Its an empty success and popularity. It seems to me that what everyone needs and wants is love. "These three things remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love." So, I guess my thought isn't new or original :rolleyes: .

I define love as finding and affirming the value(s) in another. Everyone wants (needs?) love, few practice it. Instead we try to evoke it by being funny or pretty, but all we evoke is an imitation of love. We really cannot make others love us, that's delusion. But if we could learn to practice giving love, and promote loving others...if everyone would practice loving, there might be enough to go around. I wonder if attachment would find a foothold in the presence of love?

[dsdrane]

Oy veh!

Yes, I read something along these lines yesterday in Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest.

For those of you unfamiliar with this classic little devotional, Mr. Chambers is no barrel of laughs. Not only is his language a bit stilted and archaic to the modern eye (the work was published posthumously by his wife in 1935...he died in 1917), but I also find him a bit brimstony.

But I slog through anyway, attempting to tap the veins of truth.

I think of it as spiritual sit-ups.

Anyway, we indeed die alone. I find this to be the logical conclusion of the ultimate suffering. It's just us and our Maker. It's something we fear, and yet, as people of faith, it's something we at least profess to anticipate with great joy.

But then there are all those attachments that keep us from embracing this truth.

But isn't the ultimate "attachment" LIFE itself?

One of the things that really steams my clams about people like Mr. Chambers and others of his ilk is all the time and energy we're suppose to be expending in preparation for entering eternity.

What's the hurry?!

To quote a musician friend of mine: forever is a really, really, really, really long time. There's a fine line between being right with God now and not stopping to smell the roses of our brief time on Earth. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, do they?

So, whereas I completely agree that there are many silly, time-wasting attachments to a whole host of things, other attachments -- to loved ones, to ideals, to the beauty of this temporal world created by God -- are essential to our experience as human beings. Being aware that they are attachments is fine, but peeling them all off like so many scabs is just masochistic and unnecessary.

[Daniel]

Off to work here, must needs be quick, but I wanted to comment on the Buddhist concept of 'attachment'. It's something that bothered me when I first started grappling with it, as it does many people. One can have the thought:

"So attachment is bad.....I'm supposed to give up everything?....hell.....what's in it for me?......I like my stuff!"

This is a misunderstanding of what the Buddha taught.

Simply put, the Buddha was not talking about things. He was talking about our attachment to our ideas about things.

Stuff, in an of itself, is neutral.

It's how one handles stuff that's the issue.

Example: I make breakfast and start looking for my favorite spoon to eat my oatmeal with. Can't find it. I start to get upset. Meanwhile, there are 20 other spoons in the drawer. But no. I want my spoon. The one hand-made by my grandfather during the Depresson. I start hyperventilating because I can't find it.

You see where this is going, right?

The point here is not that I shouldn't love my spoon. I do. But rather, to give it some 'room'. That way, I'm more likely to focus on my love for my grandfather and his love for me. After all, that's what the spoon represents, right?

That's worth keeping in mind.

I can take it one step further, however, by contemplating 'my' love. Is it really mine? Do I own it?

You see where this is going.

Even 'love' can be grasped tightly, or not.

It's how we think about things that determines many things.

~

Nate- I love you brother.

[paul]

dsdrane,

"There's a fine line between being right with God now and not stopping to smell the roses of our brief time on Earth. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, do they?"

I wouldn't think so. For instance, isn't it God who decided it's "not good for man to be alone," and that's why God created Steve?

I like what Daniel wrote: "Simply put, the Buddha was not talking about things. He was talking about our attachment to our ideas about things."

So much of disappointment comes from failed expectations we place on our attachments.

[dsdrane]

...that I'd take Buddha over Mr. Chambers any day of the week.

:rolleyes:

[Zerbie]

dsdrane,
I wouldn't think so. For instance, isn't it God who decided it's "not good for man to be alone," and that's why God created Steve?

:lol::D :tup:

I like what Daniel wrote: "Simply put, the Buddha was not talking about things. He was talking about our attachment to our ideas about things."

So much of disappointment comes from failed expectations we place on our attachments.

Yeah! The attachment is not directly about the "things." It's about the mind clinging to things, including thoughts. If you try to make non-attachment about rejecting things, you could fall into the trap of being attached to non-attachment. Worshipping the outward show of non-attachment because you are attached to the idea of being, or appearing to others to be, non-attached. :p

That said, I'm really attached to my tooth right now. It broke last weekend and they are going to take it out next week, I have to chew on one side of the mouth, and the anxiety over the d*mn tooth is interfering with my prayer and my sleep and basically everything - and I keep screaming at myself, Get Over The Tooth Already and enjoy your life!! But it isn't happening. :mad: I *want* to stop thinking about the stupid tooth. . . :rolleyes:

[paul]

Gee Zerbie,

What you said was profound. I was beginning to think I was sounding flakey. You put that very nicely...then there was the tooth thing...

[NathanATX]

You all are so amazing. :)

[wmanion]

Okay, I understand that the way we think about our attachments can bring us pain and sorrow, but can't these same attachments also bring us joy and comfort? Take Daniel's sppon for instance. Yes, there were other spoons available and he could have accomplished the same goal of eating his breakfast by grabbing another spoon. However, maybe the spoon itself represented his grandfather and the relationship they had, which brought him comfort and joy as well. I think with any attachment that brings you joy it can also cause you pain. Can we merely discard our attachments because they bring us pain, such as love, or do we hold on to our attachments because they can bring joy in our lives as well? Maybe, I am not getting a complete understanding of the principle here, but isn't there a flip side?

Bill

[Zerbie]

Okay, I understand that the way we think about our attachments can bring us pain and sorrow, but can't these same attachments also bring us joy and comfort? Take Daniel's sppon for instance. Yes, there were other spoons available and he could have accomplished the same goal of eating his breakfast by grabbing another spoon. However, maybe the spoon itself represented his grandfather and the relationship they had, which brought him comfort and joy as well. I think with any attachment that brings you joy it can also cause you pain. Can we merely discard our attachments because they bring us pain, such as love, or do we hold on to our attachments because they can bring joy in our lives as well? Maybe, I am not getting a complete understanding of the principle here, but isn't there a flip side?

Bill

Yes there is a flip side. We are attached to joy and comfort, and we try to run from discomfort. What we want is even temperedness where we aren't buffeted about between these extremes, and always racing here and there in response to our attachments and aversions.

Take the spoon thing. The spoon reminds Daniel of Grandfather, so the spoon reminds him of peace, comfort, family, and joy. But is it the SPOON Daniel loves, or the peace, the joy? Of course, it is the peace and joy. If the spoon happens to be there, wonderful! The trouble comes in where so many of us think that peace and joy DEPEND UPON the spoon. Then if Daniel can't find the spoon, he falls into anger and frustration, or sorrow and grief, because he is ATTACHED to the spoon, because his sense of Grandfather's love, Daniel ATTACHED that to the spoon. Then Daniel falls into one behavior after another of spoon-hunting.

THAT belief - that happiness depends not upon the internal consciousness, but the external spoon (not the enjoyment of what happens to come our way) is attachment.

They say all yogis are good bhogis (bhogi = one who enjoys). You don't lose the ability to experience joy, laughter, pleasure, appreciation. But you do begin to lose the obsessive need to search for them. Your renounce your attachment to it happening, not your appreciation of life's gifts.

[NathanATX]

I would never have expected a transformational conversation about spoons. This is an example I know I am going to use with people over and over.

Let me give a personal example of being aware of an attachment, then letting it go, and the effect this process has had on me.

There's a guy my age I really like. We've had a couple of nice, funny dates and I'm already "attached" to the idea that something may be possible with him.

Last night, we did our own thing. I went out with my friends, he went out with his. No big deal, really... but because of my growing attachment to the idea of a relationship with him, I was a little anxious that this may mean he's not really interested. After all, we've had a couple great dates and Friday is "date night," right?

So anyway, after realizing I didn't like that anxiety... and it showed me how much I wasn't trusting God to lead me to the right guy... I was able to let it go.

Or so I thought.

My friends drag me to a "boxer shorts contest" (not completely unwillingly, mind you). These silly events are so overdone and repetitive in Austin, but here in Tulsa, they only do them once a month... and for some reason, all the guys wanted to be there.

Part of my initial resistance to going to that particular bar was not wanting to run into the guy I've been on some dates with... and thus appear desperate or as a stalker. But that was silly, since I didn't know for sure where he was going and I was there to have fun with my friends.

So I'm there for about a half hour and didn't see him at all. I was thinking that I could now just relax and have fun. (do you get how "attached" I was to the idea of dating this guy?)

The first guy in the contest comes out, dances in a shadow box. Then the second guy gets in the shadow box.

oh. my. god.

It's him.

:eek::eek::lol::lol::confused::mad::confused::lol: :lol::eek::eek:

I couldn't see his face, but I was pretty sure that was his shadow.

And then all the boys had to come out and "dance" on stage and work the crowd for tips.

And, sure enough, out he comes.

He's getting groped as guys stuff money in his shorts.

So, what do I do? How should I feel?

If my attachment to the idea of being in a relationship with him was in control... I would have gotten up and walked out. I would have been pissed off, embarassed, humiliated. I would have written him off.

One of my friends had asked me before going in to the bar, "Can a future UCC/MCC minister go to a boxer shorts contest?" I laughed and said, "I might just enter it myself."

But there I was momentarily willing to judge this guy, to dismiss him, etc., for doing that very thing. So I did what a nice, "unattached" guy would do. I tipped him. :D

I did leave after it was over... without talking to him. I wasn't sure if my "un-attachedness" had had enough time to settle in to have a face-2-face conversation without expressing the disapproval I was barely suppressing.

I left him a kind message and asked him to call me later. He did... and I'm certain he doesn't feel that I judged him, was offended, etc.

The point is... when he was there doing something that made me extremely uncomfortable, my attachments were affecting me not him. If I had acted out on them, sure he would have been affected. But my momentary "suffering," if you can call it that, was entirely because of my attachment to the idea of being with this guy.

I was able to let go of all those negative emotions by letting go of that attachment.

The truth is, he and I may never be more than just friends. The truth is, he and I may become life-long lovers.

The deeper truth is that by doing what Jesus and the Buddha taught... in doing everything you can to choose to not worry about finding love, success, happiness, etc... you will be living your life from a place of profound peace. Why? Because deep down in your spirit you know that all truly is well. You know that you are ok whether you have love and success in your life, or if you are alone and broke. You would be operating from a place of deep trust in God... in the Universe... in Spirit... because your life wouldn't be about clinging to, being attached to things that you think only you can create in your life. Your life would be filled with "not worrying for anything." Your life would be filled with "being emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically present NOW" in this moment and every moment of your life.

Ok, that's all for today.

Much love,
Nate

[Zerbie]

Nate honey, mind if I ask why you would be offended or judge this cutie because he danced in the boxer shorts contest? Why would you hold it against him? What would it change?


Oh btw - I saw where the story was going as soon as you said what your friends wanted to take you to. I thought, Oh I bet Nate's date was dancing in it. I win! Haha! :p;)

[NathanATX]

Nate honey, mind if I ask why you would be offended or judge this cutie because he danced in the boxer shorts contest? Why would you hold it against him? What would it change?


Oh btw - I saw where the story was going as soon as you said what your friends wanted to take you to. I thought, Oh I bet Nate's date was dancing in it. I win! Haha! :p;)

lol :) Ya know, I think I "knew" what was going to happen too...

regarding being offended or judging him... I don't know... it was kinda like he was ashamed to tell me he was going to be doing it... or... I think I was really looking at it like he's not really interested in me after all if he's doing something like this, and thus felt a little hurt/betrayed... all the while maybe he was just afraid of being judged... :eek:

He apologized for cussing in front of me the other day. :) Guess he hasn't read my blog. :lol:

We've only talked a little about my passion for ministry & spirituality, so he's probably interpreting that through the religious lens he was brought up with.

And like I said, I would have no problem entering such a contest myself... lol... if my attachment to having a better body and being able to dance well weren't so strong... :lol::lol::lol:

[Zerbie]

lol :) Ya know, I think I "knew" what was going to happen too...

regarding being offended or judging him... I don't know... it was kinda like he was ashamed to tell me he was going to be doing it... or... I think I was really looking at it like he's not really interested in me after all if he's doing something like this, and thus felt a little hurt/betrayed... all the while maybe he was just afraid of being judged... :eek:

He apologized for cussing in front of me the other day. :) Guess he hasn't read my blog. :lol:

We've only talked a little about my passion for ministry & spirituality, so he's probably interpreting that through the religious lens he was brought up with.

And like I said, I would have no problem entering such a contest myself... lol... if my attachment to having a better body and being able to dance well weren't so strong... :lol::lol::lol:

I don't think it's going to work real well it you try reading various things into it. Maybe the subject will come up on your next date and then he might tell you if he deliberately avoided mentioning it b/c he assumed your religious passion might make you think less of him. I'm SURE he doesn't think so now that he's seen YOU watching the contest, and tipping the hot dancers.

I just wonder why you would have felt humiliated and angry enough to walk out, like you mentioned you might have. I'm guessing that may have way more to do with the fact that he didn't mention the contest than the fact that he was dancing in it, but guessing is dangerous. What's behind that thought?

I also see no reason to think it meant he wasn't interested in you. You WENT to a boxer contest - should he think it means you aren't interested in HIM? After all, you were there too.

The way it looks to me, you've found a cute fun-loving guy who is interesting enough to get to know better. That's what I would focus on.

And maybe it would be good for ya to join the next competition. Loosen you up. ;)

[Zerbie]

Wow Nate - I just checked out your blog for the first time and read the two entries from right BEFORE this one you posted here. I like them even better. The one from June 17th is absolutely magnificent, true, and inspired in the original sense of the word. That is so incredibly insightful and special.

You are going to give tremendous tremendous gifts to the world. Nathan you are so special! I love you.

:love::love::love:

[wmanion]

I have not read this book but I found this little quote from it and it made me think of this thread.

The miracle starts with acceptance
When we come to that place where we accept ourselves the way we are without judgment, we are then in a great position to give up any attachment to what we are not. It is those attachments to "what should be," to "I should have" and to "they ought to" that can produce anger, fear, resentment, rejection, or guilt -- five major emotions that can block you from everything you want.

Give yourself whatever time it takes to come to that place of acceptance. We human beings have many conditioned barriers to transcend. Be patient with yourself as you seek to improve your life. Most important, be loving. There is never a good enough reason to take away loving.

- John-Roger
(From: Relationships: Love, Marriage and Spirit, p. 127)

[NathanATX]

Wow Nate - I just checked out your blog for the first time and read the two entries from right BEFORE this one you posted here. I like them even better. The one from June 17th is absolutely magnificent, true, and inspired in the original sense of the word. That is so incredibly insightful and special.

You are going to give tremendous tremendous gifts to the world. Nathan you are so special! I love you.

:love::love::love:

Thank you sooo much for your encouragement! I love you, girl.
Nathan

[SomervilleGuy]

Bravo, Nathan. You are a deep thinker and a man who God is going to use in tremendous ways! I am sure that you will be a terrific minister. Really enjoyed reading your writings and thoughts. Very cool. :cool:

Geoff

[NathanATX]

Thank you, Geoff. :)