My Heart Hurts

[tpdncr4christ]

My hearts hurts
It's like heart ache
With no emotion attached
Just a pain
Just enough
To hurt
I think its cause
My parents are ashamed of
me
Because I am not ashamed of
myself
Or maybe its cause
So many people
Have told me
I'm going to hell
For not lying to them
For being myself
I hope its nice
In hell…
I hope its better
Than here.

My heart hurts
You know
It might be cause
I'm judged
At fist glance
judged
Or maybe cause
I hear you
Hatred, I hear you
In every pore of my body
Every ounce of my soul
Is aware of you
And fears you
But you will not leave
You will not love
Yes, you. Hatred.
I shake… slightly,
With fear, or pain,
But I don't cry
Cause I see this world
Is coming to a great battle
And I wish it weren't true
I wish it weren't real
But it is.
And my heart hurts
because of it

[tpdncr4christ]

I wrote it... cause of all the homophobia videos on youtube... the indentions aren't working right, but o well... what do y'all think?

[Jennifer5]

I love it... but makes me sad too, because you always seem to have such a positive outlook on things.... it doesn't feel fair that one more person will have to feel the pain of homophobia :(

[u-dog]

DEAR DEAR AUSTIN,

1. The poem: insightful, beautiful, painful, lovely, evocative. as always.

2. You: I know that you have really good and loving parents... or you would not be the whole and beautiful person/artist that you are. So don't hear any disrespect for them in what I am about to say, BUT I JUST WANT TO SHAKE THEM !!! If you were my son (and in some ways I feel that you are - the gay son I should have had! (what was God thinking?) ) I would want to shout that fact from the rooftops!!

"HEY WORLD!! LOOKY HERE!! IT'S AUSTIN!! HE'S MY KID !! PRETTY COOL HUH? I DID THIS!"

Don't EVER be ashamed of who you are! NOT EVER! You are SO good and SO fine that you
GLOW IN THE FUCKING DARK !!!

And All GOD's PEOPLE SAID ? .....



< hint: its the word at the end of prayers>

[andrewlittle]

Amen, Brother. Preach it.

[rainbow7]

Austin,

Thanks for sharing what it is like for you, and for being here and reaching out. I'm sure it is difficult, but I hope that you can stay open to your parents and remember that God isn't finished with them yet......I pray for their growth and enlightenment!

Polly

[tpdncr4christ]

It wasn't me speaking... I'm not sure how, but I wanted to say something for those folks who don't get a chance to say something, you know?

[u-dog]

It wasn't me speaking... I'm not sure how, but I wanted to say something for those folks who don't get a chance to say something, you know?


Well then... never mind... forget I said anything. humpphh!


(seriously, giving a voice to those who have no voice is one of the things that artists do. keep doing it.)


SO, tell us, how ARE things unfolding with your folks coming to terms with your sexuality? Do you talk about it or is it the elephant in the living room?

[tpdncr4christ]

we don't talk about it...
but then again, there is no elephant in the room. its weird

[Zerbie]

Love it! A very good one this is, Austin.
I get ya on the other perspectives - I used to write a lot, sometimes telling the same exact story from the perspectives of two different characters, and readers never knew they were reading the same story twice.

When I was 20 I wrote a poem "as" a gay man writing it. It's kinda good, I think.

Um, U-dog, I love you so much!!!!!
If we have to get reincarnated, God-forbid, we could always consider coming back as a procreative heterosexual couple and raise a gaggle of little gay babies. :love:

Then again, my DH and Polly already have dibs on that, so never mind. It's the thought that counts. ;)

[u-dog]

Love it! A very good one this is, Austin.
I get ya on the other perspectives - I used to write a lot, sometimes telling the same exact story from the perspectives of two different characters, and readers never knew they were reading the same story twice.

When I was 20 I wrote a poem "as" a gay man writing it. It's kinda good, I think.

Um, U-dog, I love you so much!!!!!
If we have to get reincarnated, God-forbid, we could always consider coming back as a procreative heterosexual couple and raise a gaggle of little gay babies. :love:

Then again, my DH and Polly already have dibs on that, so never mind. It's the thought that counts. ;)


We could just raise gay babies HERE!

[Str8Ally]

My heart hurts too, for all the gay teenagers in this country who have no support system, no one to turn to, no one to understand them. I have actually heard some right-wingers complain about people putting up posters in high schools for a number to call if you are gay and feeling suicidal, because by doing that you are "validating" homosexuality. Right...and all they validate is prejudice, bigotry, hate crimes and suicide.

[Zerbie]

We could just raise gay babies HERE!

:weee: :):rainbow::love::love::love::love:

I love gay babies!! I want some!

Okay, we'll raise them here. :agree: :D:D:D :) Erm. . . how? :confused: :lol:


My heart hurts too, for all the gay teenagers in this country who have no support system, no one to turn to, no one to understand them. I have actually heard some right-wingers complain about people putting up posters in high schools for a number to call if you are gay and feeling suicidal, because by doing that you are "validating" homosexuality. Right...and all they validate is prejudice, bigotry, hate crimes and suicide.

Oh no kidding!!! I've been praying for this to change my whole life. Ya know, at least it's a step in the right direction that we have a GLSTN and "Safe Zones" etc. I walked into my old middle school 2 years ago because I was in the neighborhood, and all my old favorite teachers had those Safe Zone stickers on their classroom doors. I was FLOORED. That kind of thing was unTHINKable when I went to school.

Otoh, it creates a new problem for gay kids today that we have this new visibility, because it also makes the gay-hatred more obvious and up-front. The anti-gay reactions are way more obvious when things are discussed openly.

[Str8Ally]

Otoh, it creates a new problem for gay kids today that we have this new visibility, because it also makes the gay-hatred more obvious and up-front. The anti-gay reactions are way more obvious when things are discussed openly.

That's true, but I am still very optimistic about the future, because as seccessful as the fundies have been in keeping their followers in the dark ages about sexual orientation, the leaps and bounds made in the enlightenment of secular society are notable. Even from talking to my stapfather, who is only 16 years older than me, about what people his age were like in high school, it is apparent that this generation has advanced markedly. It seems that in less than two decades, at least amongst the secular, the approach to homosexuality has gone from tolerance to acceptance. :)

We just need the conservative Christian community to catch up (they're always a little behind, aren't they?) and it won't be long before the word "tolerance" sounds offensive to everyone.

[u-dog]

:weee: :):rainbow::love::love::love::love:

I love gay babies!! I want some!

Okay, we'll raise them here. :agree: :D:D:D :) Erm. . . how? :confused: :lol:

Ummmm.... I think we're already doing it! :) anyway... I hope we are already doing it.




Oh no kidding!!! I've been praying for this to change my whole life. Ya know, at least it's a step in the right direction that we have a GLSTN and "Safe Zones" etc. I walked into my old middle school 2 years ago because I was in the neighborhood, and all my old favorite teachers had those Safe Zone stickers on their classroom doors.

Where do they get those safe zone stickers? seems to me that having one on my office door would send a signal to those that need to hear it that I am a safe person to talk to. And also a way to say that I think being gay is OK without having to preach a sermon about it.


Polly and I have talked off and on about offering to do a Bible study for the local GLBT Youth group organization in town as well as the possibility of being foster-parents to homeless GLBT youth who have been kicked out of their homes. Doing something like this has been on my heart for a long time... what do you think? pros? cons?

[Zerbie]

Ummmm.... I think we're already doing it! :) anyway... I hope we are already doing it.






Where do they get those safe zone stickers? seems to me that having one on my office door would send a signal to those that need to hear it that I am a safe person to talk to. And also a way to say that I think being gay is OK without having to preach a sermon about it.


Polly and I have talked off and on about offering to do a Bible study for the local GLBT Youth group organization in town as well as the possibility of being foster-parents to homeless GLBT youth who have been kicked out of their homes. Doing something like this has been on my heart for a long time... what do you think? pros? cons?

I think we should take this to another thread because we are drifting FAR away from Austin's poem. I'll create it now.

[sailaway58]

I am reading through these threads and I conclude there is a problem deeper than the right wing conservatives. I personally carry that label in most settings, at least I would get that label from most left wing liberals.
I would identify the main issue with the religious right is the fact they have a platform. This allows for greater hurt by comments, prejudice, and ill will between groups. Not to mention the fact that many of the GLBT have come out of right wing homes and that has created issues all to it's own.
What I fear and think I see is that no one likes anyone different than themselves. I am not very clear here.
It's not just the Christian boys that pick on the "Nancy" boys in the locker room.
The fault I am in conflict with the church is that we should be the ones leading the way of loving acceptance of others. Even if I decide homosexuality is a sin it is still my responsibility to be loving and caring no matter what our differences.
It is easy it seems to love corrupt politicians, ex strippers, former gang members, drunks, men that are womanizers, thieves, who ever as long as the say they are now Christian. It is easy to accept them before they are Christians. I think it is because sin's like that most can identify with and think it is something they could have fallen to.
But put one gay kid in the room that says I don't understand it but this is who I am and everyone freaks out. I think it is in part because not only do heterosexual's not understand it, they don't want to believe that it could be possible to experience something like this in their family.
If we keep it a sin we can keep a topic that is not very pleasant to discuss or think about out of our circle of friends.
Since I have "come out" about my acceptance of GLBT people no one wants to talk to me about it. If I were a gay basher everyone would join in. Christian or not. (everyone is not literal)
Sorry I write this stuff to help me think through topics more than I am trying to offer anything. It's just after I go to the trouble of writing it out and helping myself think it through I just feel compelled to post it! :laughing:

[sailaway58]

I think we should take this to another thread because we are drifting FAR away from Austin's poem. I'll create it now.
Oh yeah, and I like the poem:o

[Dash]

we don't talk about it...
but then again, there is no elephant in the room. its weird

I like your latest opus, Austin. :) :D Keep it up!

And you know...I came out to my folks in 1997. Tried to talk to them for awhile, but stopped. Now, after all these years of knowing but not speaking, I've told them about David. My mom seems to have made her peace somewhere along the way, cuz she's been very positive and genuinely interested. :cool:

Anyway...no elephant...glad to hear it! So much in this world needs time to incubate...silently, patiently...apart from the motion and madness. I imagine your parents are growing all quietly as they see their son mature.

[Progo35]

I don't think that secular society is all that enlightened, St8ally... The Nazis were completely secular and forbade religion-and we know what they did to gay people along with 10 million others whom they felt were a blight to soceity. According to the renowned sociologist Zygmut Bowman, much of the Nazi regime was based on the idea that Modernity and the principles of the enlightenment could enable men to make decisions that were previously relegated to divine judgement-such as whom to kill and when. So, I don't think that all the conservative Christians in the world "catching up" with secular society would eradicate prejudice...it MIGHT assist gay individuals, but ultimately it would resolve nothing, allowing such behavior to continue towards someone, somewhere, at the behest of the state, when the state felt it was necessary. So, whomever it felt was a social blight, whether it be gay people or someone else-could be eliminated based on logical principles. Logically, if someone hurts society, it is okay to get rid of him or her because of the number of people who supposedly benefit from this. Now, of course, I'm not suggesting that conservative Christianity is the salvation of society, I'm just saying that secularist philosophy has just as many serious, potentially deadly flaws as any religion when tenets are forced upon or used to harm someone who does/can not observe them.

[Str8Ally]

I don't think that secular society is all that enlightened, St8ally... The Nazis were completely secular and forbade religion-and we know what they did to gay people along with 10 million others whom they felt were a blight to soceity. According to the renowned sociologist Zygmut Bowman, much of the Nazi regime was based on the idea that Modernity and the principles of the enlightenment could enable men to make decisions that were previously relegated to divine judgement-such as whom to kill and when. So, I don't think that all the conservative Christians in the world "catching up" with secular society would eradicate prejudice...it MIGHT assist gay individuals, but ultimately it would resolve nothing, allowing such behavior to continue towards someone, somewhere, at the behest of the state, when the state felt it was necessary. So, whomever it felt was a social blight, whether it be gay people or someone else-could be eliminated based on logical principles. Logically, if someone hurts society, it is okay to get rid of him or her because of the number of people who supposedly benefit from this. Now, of course, I'm not suggesting that conservative Christianity is the salvation of society, I'm just saying that secularist philosophy has just as many serious, potentially deadly flaws as any religion when tenets are forced upon or used to harm someone who does/can not observe them.

I did not intend to speak of the issue in such a broad philosophical light, as in "secularism" versus "religion." Any ideology can be abused, of course, I don't question that. My comments were based on the observance of the cultural climate in the United States, where secular people (and that includes religious people, by the way) are generally far more enlightened about homosexuality than their conservative christian counterparts. To be pro-equality for the GLBT community requires you to be a progressive morally, and conservatism is the definitive opposite of progressivism.

[Progo35]

I think that if we maintain that conservatism and progressivism are irrecovicably at odds with one another, indicating that one must be vanquished in the pursuit of justice, causes society to fall into the trap of polarizing into the two camps of "secularism" vs. "relgion."

What I have noticed about the secular vs. conservative camps is that either one tends to accept and support certain minority groups while the other is portrayed as not supporting them. For instance, most of the commentary that I've seen advocating euthanasia (even involuntarily)! of disabled people has come from the most secular people among us, such as Peter Singer, Jonathan Bentham, etc, who continue to ascribe the fascist idea that disabled people drain the system and should be "mericifully" done away with. These two people in particular based their arguments on the so-called progression of our soceity from one where Christian morality governs action to where reason governs action. Medical ethics in our soceity has begun to operate "futile care" directives, whereby elderly and frail patients have been refused treatment or starved to death on the premise that they will not get better and are a burden to themselves and to social resources. This first happened in 1982, when an infant with Down syndrome was denied an very simple, insurance-covered operation to open her esophagus, which caused her to die of starvation while her lungs were digested by her bodies own gastric juices. No civil rights organizations, including the ACLU or anyone else-intervened. In the UK this year, an elderly woman was starved to death while begging for food and a cup of tea-she had had a stroke and since she was disabled, the hospital treating her removed her feeding tube WITHOUT her family's consent.

Still sound like secularists are ahead of their Christian counterparts? I think not.

[Steven E. Webster]

I did not intend to speak of the issue in such a broad philosophical light, as in "secularism" versus "religion." Any ideology can be abused, of course, I don't question that. My comments were based on the observance of the cultural climate in the United States, where secular people (and that includes religious people, by the way) are generally far more enlightened about homosexuality than their conservative christian counterparts. To be pro-equality for the GLBT community requires you to be a progressive morally, and conservatism is the definitive opposite of progressivism.

I think we need to be careful of labels. Both "conservatives" and "secularists" are capable of moral evil and moral good.

Steven Webster

[Progo35]

You said it, Stephen. :)

[Daniel]

Austin-

Keep writing. Good stuff.

Do you write on the computer or longhand? You may find a difference between the two.

Some of the great writers like Gore Vidal and Joan Didion do the latter. Interesting, huh?

[cousin.of.zuzu]

Wow. Today I just heard the first of what I am sure will be many emails and messages from my family as I am outing myself and this poem somehow helped. Thanks for sharing.

http://titration.blogspot.com

[u-dog]

Wow. Today I just heard the first of what I am sure will be many emails and messages from my family as I am outing myself and this poem somehow helped. Thanks for sharing.

http://titration.blogspot.com


Got you in my prayers sister! :love::pray: The tone of the e-mail is hopeful. If the beginning point is "We love you" then anything can be built on that! I am impressed that they understood that they needed time to process instead of launching into some kind of sermon. Keep us up to date as their response unfolds. you will almost certainly need support even if their response to you is mostly supportive!!

[elcharrom]

It wasn't me speaking... I'm not sure how, but I wanted to say something for those folks who don't get a chance to say something, you know?

I feel you, I know what you sayin, that poem strikes me, well because reminds me of how I was and how far I've come and really how lucky I am.

[cousin.of.zuzu]

Got you in my prayers sister! Keep us up to date as their response unfolds. you will almost certainly need support even if their response to you is mostly supportive!!

U dog thanks! And I shall keep you updated.

[tpdncr4christ]

Austin-

Keep writing. Good stuff.

Do you write on the computer or longhand? You may find a difference between the two.

Some of the great writers like Gore Vidal and Joan Didion do the latter. Interesting, huh?

I write on the computer, or in hand, sometimes I even right with my left hand or in the dark just to see what comes of it.

[Daniel]

I write on the computer, or in hand, sometimes I even right with my left hand or in the dark just to see what comes of it.

Very interesting indeed!

I'm left handed and sometimes write with my right hand. It's interesting what comes out. A writing teacher remarked that this technique can activate the 'unconscious'. Don't know if that's true or not, but it must make the brain work a bit differently.

I've kept a dream journal over the years and have found myself writing in the dark many times. The next morning I sometimes have a hard time reading what I wrote! :rolleyes::lol: It's like another person was doing it.

[tpdncr4christ]

exactly. what better way to let out the voices then let them talk for themselves?

i'm not the least bit insane, really

:D

[antonyh]

I write on the computer, or in hand, sometimes I even right with my left hand or in the dark just to see what comes of it.

I really liked your poem. I think writers need to try interesting things to keep ideas coming and creativity flowing.

[BrentRichards]

Wonderful poem, Austin ... I was almost crying, and then glad to read that it's not really about you ... sadly, it is about too many people. We love you, kid ... keep writing.

[Jennifer5]

exactly. what better way to let out the voices then let them talk for themselves?

i'm not the least bit insane, really

:D

True. But are you 100% sure on the not being insane part?

:love: