Hello, my name is Grant

[GrantJordan]

I live in the Northwestern corner of Washington state. Just learned about Soulforce recently, and would like to find others in my area who are associated with SF. I have come out this year after 28+ years of marriage, 4 children, and many years of denial. It is a particularly rough time now as divorce is faced following several months of separation. The mixture of faith and acceptance of my gay orientation, have been a main contention over the years, and only now is beginning to make some sense. I cannot see at all what my contribution back to society or the body of Christ will be. That is a matter of concern for tomorrow, I guess. One day at a time for now.

I enjoy the here and now for all it offers. I am a musician, lover of God, beautiful things, words and language, fine espresso and red wine. I've lived close to the ocean for too long to be too far away from it now.

I met the Lord at 19 during the Jesus movement in Minnesota. Lutheran life was dull and vanilla. Jesus drew me like nothing else did. I sought him for freedom from worry, fear...I didn't know what...insecurity. So much about me I didn't like. It became more about others in a good way. I spent 9 years in Youth With a Mission. Married at 26 and had 4 children. Lived in New Zealand working in Social Services for 4 years and returned to the states in 1994. I have been a music minister in 3 separate churches, from CMA to Presbyterian to a Community church.

The past several years have been more troubling than the rest of my life. My heart is longing for reality in my faith and life inside-out. I am part of a group of guys who read Eldredge, CS Lewis, Willard, Manning, Buechner, Palmer, etc. Struggling daily to hold on and let go. My heart is longing for the real thing and truth in the inner parts and outer expressions. My story is not over...it feels in a way that it is just beginning.

[Zerbie]

Welcome. :)

Grant, you've come to the right place. You will find many people here who can relate very strongly to what you are facing right now.

I am sorry to hear of such a lengthy struggle and the suffering that it must have been. You are certainly not alone, and you are most welcome here.

You are right: what you will give back to society will become apparent later. :) Trust that you will give back, and who knows if in some way you don't know about you are not doing so already? It's time to focus differently right now, until your heart can be more at peace and you feel able to make sense of things more.

I'm glad you came here. :love:

[GrantJordan]

I am learning to live one day- no a 1/2 hour at a time. Something like that.

[u-dog]

Welcome Grant! This is a great place with great people. Just jump right in and enjoy yourself.

[Zerbie]

I am learning to live one day- no a 1/2 hour at a time. Something like that.

:D
:)
You're doin' great. :cool:

[Daniel]

Welcome to Soulforce. I'm glad you've found your way here.

Zerbie is a musician, as am I. There are quite a few of us here. So you are not alone. ;)

Loved CS Lewis. Read him throughout my college years. Charles Williams too, though, for some, he is an aquired taste, seeing that he is often referred to as a supernaturalist. My favorite? All Hallow's Eve.

I like what you say: taking things day by day is....well....about as much as any of us can do. I hope you stick around and become a part of this wonderful and diverse community.

Blessings.

[pnggrad79]

Welcome Grant. I know this must be a difficult time for you coming out and my prayers are with you. All of us have been down that road and no matter what age you are when you do it, it is going to come with a price. But I believe God calls us to live an authentic life and one can't do that living a lie.

I hope the transition goes smoothly for you. Welcome to the forums here at Soulforce. Looking forward to hearing from you. God Bless you.:)

[keltic63]

Welcome!

I'm another musician here at soulforce. I teach music in 2 elementary schools, and I am a music director for a small Disciples Church here in PA.

Like you, I was married, and I have 3 kids. I think you'll find that there are a lot of us in that situation. It's not easy to make things right, but you'll find that there is life, and it's pretty good, when you make it through this.

Steve

[paul]

Welcome Grant,

I hope you stick around, participate, and become part of the gang. I know cyber friends are not the same as 3d, but there are lots of people here worth knowing.

YWAM? I know the organization well. I too was a Jesus freak most of my life. You'll find many of a similar heart here.

:wave:
paul

[Gennee]

Welcome to Soulforce, Grant I will keep you in my prayers. I can imagine how diificult it was to come out. I'm sure that you are relieved, though.

Gennee

[SomervilleGuy]

Hi Grant,
Welcome! You express yourself very well. I too am going through just about the same thing - married 23 years with 3 children. Am a Wheaton College grad and went through years of struggling through this. I came out to my wife about 1 month ago. I love my wife and feel very bad about this, but I just cant believe her accusations that this is sinful and selfish, and that i am just sick, like an alcoholic would be. We are in a large conservative church in NJ, after having spent years in Pentecostal and conservative churches. I have talked to three pastors now about my sexual orientation, out of respect for my wife and kids, the last of whom referred me to Exodus. However I dont believe that Exodus will work for me, have heard too many horror stories, and therefore I am not going to enter that program. Might work for a some, but I just know me, and I know it wont work. So I just need to be me and get on with it, period.

What helps me is my therapist (she basically gave me the courage to come out), a Mens Coming Out support group I go to at the NJ Pride Center, reading the book "Stranger At the Gate" by Mel White, the Soulforce website, and a couple other friends. Do you have such a support network? It feels like I am entering a dark tunnel, but I know that on the other side it will different, with new challenges, but also new blessings and growth. So it is tough. If you ever want to talk by phone and compare notes, let me know. I live in NJ, about 35 miles west of NYC and about 1 hour from the ocean. I will pray for you that you remain strong and that God gives you strength to go through this process.

Geoff

[archyboi]

Hi Grant,

Your story moved me. I lived in Seattly for 2 years -- '97-'99 -- and it was not a great experience for me. Strangely, I grew to accept myself in Seattle. The long nights of winter and the rain gave me time when not working or hanging out with friends to read voracously and learn about myself. I come out after moving back the Long Beach as a result.

I never married 'cuz I couldn't do it. I knew who I was since I was 11 but I couldn't accept it. I know that pain. I know that pergatory.

I wish you luck and happiness. Be well & keep a positive attitude.

Love & peace,

--Kev

[GrantJordan]

Geoff - thanks for the words- words on paper (cyber paper) are meaningful to a degree. They remind us that we are not alone. I have been reading voraciously since coming out in January. Stranger at the Gate dragged many, many tears out of me. It was good to find a soul mate whose experiences matched mine in many ways. I have remained very ignorant over the years about anything gay.

Yesterday would be my 29th anniversary. It was a hard day. Many tears and not quite sure where they all came from. Just grief, regret, sadness, self-hatred. Whatever- they came and it felt good to cry.

There are so many emotions lately. I know it will go on for awhile and welcome the washing. Knowing I am not alone in this makes a world of difference.

Grant

[GrantJordan]

Kev- thanks for the words in response to my FIRST post!! Bellingham has been my desert. But it turned me inside out so that I might get right side up. I'm only seeing that now, though. I thought life would be much different than this. I've always had a superman/peter pan fixation and can't even see to fly straight anymore. There is new wiring going in and I kind of like the sparks- they are much better than the flat line I've been having in my soul for a number of years.

Look forward to more sharing with you.

Grant

[paul]

can't even see to fly straight anymore.

Why would you want to, you're gay.;)

[archyboi]

Wow. OK. Bellingham. I lived in the West Seattle area near White Center. Loved goin' to Lincoln Park and Alki Beach. Coolio. I had this irreverent friend who'd call it out vividly sometimes when it rained for, like, DAYS on end. "Well, here we are in this s#@$-hole we call home! ... She lived on Pill Hill.

I had the distiction of living there that winter of 1999 when the previous record for continuous days of rain @ 86 was shattered to 96!

I knew there was something definitely wrong when I'd get really EXCITED at the sight of a tiny shaft of sunlight piercing thru the cloudcover waaaaayyyyyyy out on the Sound. That was not normal. HA!

Sorry to call your home a s#@$-hole. I'm bad.

Can I tell you the most soulful place in Seattle I loved to go to meditate. The Catholic cathedral near all the hospitals past First Hill. Really modern but beautifully understated and luminous. I loved to pray in the beeswax chapel. Do you know it? I can't remember it's name but it was a great space for contemplation. I have major issues with Catholicism but this place was open for personal worship during the week.

Peace & Love,

--kev

[GrantJordan]

Kev- don't mind hitting on Seattle. I am one of those freaks who sighs when the sun breaks through the clouds. My world here has been a desert, as I said, so anything outside of me that reminded me there was beauty was cherished.

My sis works at Seattle University and the Catholic church you speak of is just down the way from there. I've only seen it, but have had an urging to just walk into a beautiful sanctuary like that and be with God. He is not confined to a building in my experience, but I love largeness and beauty which is what old sanctuaries provide. I want to go and be there right now!!!!!

Because of the stark experience of the past 13 years here, I am not knit to this area emotionally. I like the ocean...I love the ocean. Just to be near it and look at it is wonderful, wonderful.

~ Gjm :rolleyes:

[GrantJordan]

Oh, yeh, paul, - I forgot.

[keltic63]

can't even see to fly straight anymore.

Why would you want to, you're gay.;)


:lol:

That's my partner and I helping each other with directions when driving!

Scott: Go straight.
Me: I tried that, it didn't work for me.
Scott: Let's go gaily forward then!

[GrantJordan]

Thanks for the laugh. Anything lately for a laugh. :rolleyes::lol::p:eek:

[Jennifer5]

Yay!!! Another WA person! I'm across from Seattle as well... glad to have you here! :)