In need of advice

[leoursrouge]

I've only ever told a hand full of people that I am gay. Mainly because I know that if it gets out to too many people I will be kicked out of my school and my home.

Last night, however, I got a message from one of my few gay friends informing me that all my old High School friends now know. I don't hang out with them as much as I used to, and they do not go to my school (they go to another one in the area). Still they are my friends and we do get together a bit and hang out.

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this. None of them have said anything to me, but they really haven't had much of a chance to. Should I go ahead and tell them before they confront me about it? Should I avoid them for awhile and let them bring it up? Should I run away and join the circus (it's looking like a pretty good option right now ;))?

Most of these friends are Christians, but I would not be their first gay friend. Any advice of how to handle this?

[keltic63]

what was the motivation for your friend to tell you that your old group of friends already know that you're gay?

assuming that the motivation was innocent, what would be the point of telling them now? I understand the "need to come out" but I'm not sure that you have to be the one to bring it up in this particular situation. The best experiences I've had in outting myself have come in natural conversations, not prepared, planned statements.

If you think there is some benefit to telling them, why not pick 1 or 2 friends and see how it goes? on the other hand, if you think these friends might tell others and this would cause you problems at home or in your present school, I'd keep it to myself. There's no need to confirm something they might suspect, especially if they will, or might, use it to hurt you.

[leoursrouge]

My friend told me so that I wouldn't be completely caught off guard. He also told me who spilled the beans, so it has been completely confirmed for them.

[Daniel]

I've only ever told a hand full of people that I am gay. Mainly because I know that if it gets out to too many people I will be kicked out of my school and my home.

Rouge- Steve has a good perspective here. The best conversation to have is one that happens naturally.

That said- If your old high school buddies are in a position to hurt you by telling your parents and your school, then you have cause for concern. If not, I don't see any reason to engage them on the topic. If you want to control the flow of information, the best thing to do is to only talk to those people whom you can trust implicitly. It all boils down to this: how much do you want to be out at this point in your life? If you are in a conservative religious (college) institution, you may want to postpone being totally out until after you graduate. Your welfare is what's most important here.

[Progo35]

Like others have said, there are different ways to handle the situation. One of the things I'd be curious to know is if the person who spilled the beans did this by accident (it slipped out in conversation and it was too late to try to keep it a secret), or if he or she did this because of a lack of respect concerning your privacy and friendship. Such people are not good friends and if that is the case, I would try to avoid that person, or at least not tell him or her anything personal. A good test in this regard is whether or not your friend apologizes to you. If he or she is truly sorry and asks for forgiveness without you having to bring it up, I think that you can be fairly certain that this was just an unfortunate slip up. If not, I'd be wary, because he or she may do this again. There's always some room for a middle ground, but that's a good indicator.

I think that it is a good sign that your Christian friends from high school have other friends who are gay. If they have maintained those friendships, it is more likely that they will retain their friendship with you-that would be consistent. I'd say that telling 1-2 people, as Keltic suggests, is a good place to start. If your friend who spilled the beans doesn't come to you, perhaps you could have a calm conversation over lunch with them and let them know that what they did hurt you. Maybe this person didn't understand the consequencs of his/her action and will sincerely try to make ammends. Still, even if maintaing the frienship, you might not want to share personal things for a while, at least.

I agree about the conservative atmosphere. It's all about what makes you comfortable. Whether you choose to come out or not should depend on your feelings. You don't need to make a decision right now. Pray for the Holy Spirit's guidance. He will guide you in making these decisions about when and where to share this information.

Praying for you!
-Meghan

[paul]

Rouge,

This place is great, no? You've gotten some excellent advice from people who have been where you are at.

Understand that you do not owe anyone an explanation for who you are, particularly if there is risk of any kind of hurt or harm to you. While you do not want to live in a closet, that carries it's own damaging effects, who you choose to know you and how is your decision.

Your friends are the ones who know you and accept you for who you are.

[keltic63]

Rouge,

This place is great, no? You've gotten some excellent advice from people who have been where you are at.

Understand that you do not owe anyone an explanation for who you are, particularly if there is risk of any kind of hurt or harm to you. While you do not want to live in a closet, that carries it's own damaging effects, who you choose to know you and how is your decision.

Your friends are the ones who know you and accept you for who you are.


and if they would willingly, purposely, inform others, including your parents, knowing that it would do you great harm, then these people are not really your friends.

You're so close to graduation. a few more months "in the closet" is do-able. many gay people have been not only expelled from college, but had the credits they worked so hard for erased by the religious institutions who expelled them. I think it's important to be in a safe and comfortable place before you come out. If telling these friends means you could lose your family, your shelter, and your degree, then you must not give them that information. In a few short months, May graduation perhaps? you will be finished with school, gainfully employed hopefully, and able to take care of yourself as far as food, shelter, clothing, transportation are concerned. Hold on, you can do it!

[dsdrane]

Hey.

As Paul said, lots of good advice here.

At the risk of repeating what others have said, I really don't think there is anything to discuss...at least from your end. You're still the same person you've always been and the same person they've always known. They just happen to now know more about you.

Be open to specific questions...and aware of potentially negative dynamics, but, otherwise, I think an air of nonchalance is the best posture. Once the beans are spilled, there's no un-spilling them, and you cannot control others' reactions. All you can do is be ok with who you are...and teach by example.

:)

[BrentRichards]

and if they would willingly, purposely, inform others, including your parents, knowing that it would do you great harm, then these people are not really your friends.

You're so close to graduation. a few more months "in the closet" is do-able. many gay people have been not only expelled from college, but had the credits they worked so hard for erased by the religious institutions who expelled them. I think it's important to be in a safe and comfortable place before you come out. If telling these friends means you could lose your family, your shelter, and your degree, then you must not give them that information. In a few short months, May graduation perhaps? you will be finished with school, gainfully employed hopefully, and able to take care of yourself as far as food, shelter, clothing, transportation are concerned. Hold on, you can do it!

I agree ... I am this close to being totally out, and yet I have kept my mouth shut at work. Why? Because there's too much to lose ... I doubt I would get fired, but I can't be sure, and I have kids to take care of ... can't take the risk. Ultimately, even when others try to wrest control from you, this is your information, to share on YOUR terms, not theirs. I have directly asked some people connected with my work, "I need to ask you to let me be in control of this information, and share it with my boss when the time is right, not before. So, can I count on you to keep that confidence for me?" I've never been told no. People (good people, anyway) understand. If these friends are truly your friends, and you're concerned they'll pass on the info to someone you don't want to have it yet (or ever), tell them that. Real friends will respect and understand.

[scott snedeker]

If you are near a point of a new beginning, It is always easier to introduce yourself as gay to new people than it is to back track with older acquaintences. If you are near graduation this would be an opportunity to make this fresh start. If you do, I'm ceratin that you will not want to look back.

I came out during My internship and residency in my medical training program.in 1991. I was 27. It was surprisingly anticlimactic. People who met me for the first time would ask: "Are you married?" to which I would answer: "No I'm Gay." Usually A few comments and questions followed then the conversation continued on other topics.

After a couple of months, there was no way that I would want to return to the closet. My sense of self would not tolerate it.

If you are not near graduation and are ready for a change you could transfer to a liberal college and do the same.

However I think the FEAR of the consequences is the primary issue and the actual consequences themselves are very secondary. Learn to dissipate the FEAR and 90%+ of the Dilemna is resolved.

[Alecto]

It sounds to me like:
Some of your friends know. You aren't their first exposure to gay folks.
You know that your friends know.
And, more than likely, they know that you know that they know.
As long as you're not worried, as others have mentioned, about them telling others, I don't see any reason to bring it up or do anything really. It's there, everyone knows its there, no issue.

[sailaway58]

I think the advice given by those that live this experience is the best to take heed to.
I only wish to add that you like all of us are much more than our orientation. Don't forget to be all of who you are, your real friends will enjoy your company because of it even if they don't yet understand your being gay. Best wishes.

[elcharrom]

Hang in there man, like these guys said, if you truly trust someone and you really feel the need to come out, let it out with them an be in control of who knows because believe me I know the dangers of all that info comin back to your house, so you'll have to be real careful.:love::D

[ladyinred]

I'd say the same don't risk it, even if someone asked you,one of your friends, if you were gay,deny it.You do not know what they may do with the information. Tell your other friend who told you about the one spilling the beans to keep quiet . Anyone can say someone is gay and people may see it as a rumor or wonder but once you open your mouth and admit it there is the verification. I don't think anyone needs to know right now. Please do not risk your whole life and education . you have worked hard to get there.I'm not saying stay in the closet forever, but even when out,I'd make sure it was with people I trusted.