I am Back...but not doing well

[sjbouza]

Hello again everyone,

I am back but I am not doing so well right now:(:unhappy::'(. My bf and I have been forced apart. I am not going to go into details, just to say that it hurts so much. I am doing alright, well as well as can be expected considering.

I am hoping that he might find his way to this post and see that I am still thinking of him and that I still love him and will always hold that love in my heart. Our ring is still on my finger and will never be taken off until he removes it from my finger. He has helped me grow so much and he has been the biggest reason that I have come to accept being gay. If it wansnt for him, as well as some of you here, I would still be in deep denial of my sexuality. I would still be struggling with that part of my life. Dont get me wrong, I still have struggles, but I am so much further along greatly in part because of him. I will keep all promises I have made to him in hopes that one day we can be reunited. I am not saying that I will not live my life, but I still hold all promises to him as sacred and real. He will always be in my heart. The love I had and still have for him will never go away, it will never go away, it will only grow stronger. I love him and that will NEVER change!!!

I would appreciate any support and help I can get from you all here. I am in real need of it.

Love to one and all...ESPECIALLY HIM:love::love:!!!
Scott

[dsdrane]

Oh, Scott.

Your pain comes through so powerfully in your post.

I'm so sorry things aren't working out in a way you'd like.

Thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing.

At the risk of sounding hopelessly corny, try your best to focus on anything and everything that makes you happy. You need positive stuff right now. Force yourself, if necessary, to remember why life is beautiful. Remember that this life of yours is a gift. You are only in control of you; you cannot dictate how others will act or respond.

You need to be ok with yourself and life if things do not work out with your BF.

If they ultimately do...wonderful!! But, if they do not, you have much to give someone else.

Make no decisions right now. Just float freely. Smell a flower; hug a child; help someone less fortunate than yourself. Take a turn serving and being selfless.

You are God's special work of art...always remember that.

And use us here to help when you need to. We're here for you.

:love:, -d.

[Zerbie]

(((((( Scott ))))))

:'(

Reading your words I get a strong sense of what you are feeling right now and I wish I could give you a hug. I am sorry it hurts so much. :( Thank you for coming to us. It is an honor to offer our words to help dry your tears.

However things have gone between you and your ex, I am glad that he was able to inspire you on your sacred journey to self-acceptance.

You are much loved, exactly as you are. Your ability to love and be loved is sacred. Always know that.

:love::love::love:







Hello again everyone,

I am back but I am not doing so well right now:(:unhappy::'(. My bf and I have been forced apart. I am not going to go into details, just to say that it hurts so much. I am doing alright, well as well as can be expected considering.

I am hoping that he might find his way to this post and see that I am still thinking of him and that I still love him and will always hold that love in my heart. Our ring is still on my finger and will never be taken off until he removes it from my finger. He has helped me grow so much and he has been the biggest reason that I have come to accept being gay. If it wansnt for him, as well as some of you here, I would still be in deep denial of my sexuality. I would still be struggling with that part of my life. Dont get me wrong, I still have struggles, but I am so much further along greatly in part because of him. I will keep all promises I have made to him in hopes that one day we can be reunited. I am not saying that I will not live my life, but I still hold all promises to him as sacred and real. He will always be in my heart. The love I had and still have for him will never go away, it will never go away, it will only grow stronger. I love him and that will NEVER change!!!

I would appreciate any support and help I can get from you all here. I am in real need of it.

Love to one and all...ESPECIALLY HIM:love::love:!!!
Scott

[sjbouza]

Yes it hurts, but I am going on with life. I still hold hope that we will be able to be together again in the not to distant future. I "know" he is still holding onto the same thing. Like I said it was forced, not by either of us or by our decision, it was forced upon us.

We promised to not stop living our lives, but to hold onto what we had and what we still do have. I know he loves me and that will never change. I believe in my heart that true love that is forced apart cannot die. In some strange way I think it is going to make it stronger and one day when things change, we will be back together. if nothing more than friends, we will be reunited. All I ask is that he is in my life in some way. I know he will be, it will just take time. I can wait. I waited my whole life for him and I will hold onto everything that we built. Not saying I am not going to live my life, I am not going to crawl under a rock. I will not do that to him or to myself. I owe him more than that. I know that he would want me to go on, but still hold on to our love. Our love is one that will never die, I know this. I feel a peace about it. Not saying that it isnt painful, but knowing that our love still lives makes each passing day that much easier to deal with.

I am struggling with telling my father about my sexuality. It is coming, soon I am feeling. It is inevidable, I know it has to happen and it will. I am just not sure how to go about it. Blurt it out...break it gently...i just dont know.

Then I just had a spot removed from my back that is about the size of a half dollar. I have an appointment to find out the results on the 18th. Until then I am on pins and needles over it. I will keep you all informed.

What I find the most disheartening about our forced breakup, it was on 9/11. The second is that it was just 6 days after our 2nd anniversary. Hope is still alive and like my love for him it will NEVER DIE. Like I said, I really believe that love that is forced apart cannot and will not ever die.

Peace and love,
Scott

[Zerbie]

Yes it hurts, but I am going on with life. I still hold hope that we will be able to be together again in the not to distant future. I "know" he is still holding onto the same thing. Like I said it was forced, not by either of us or by our decision, it was forced upon us.

Good grief, this sounds downright conspiratorial. :confused: I wish you both well, whatever caused this. :pray:

I am struggling with telling my father about my sexuality. It is coming, soon I am feeling. It is inevidable, I know it has to happen and it will. I am just not sure how to go about it. Blurt it out...break it gently...i just dont know.

Then I just had a spot removed from my back that is about the size of a half dollar. I have an appointment to find out the results on the 18th. Until then I am on pins and needles over it. I will keep you all informed.

Peace and love,
Scott

This is an awful lot all at once Scott. My suggestion is, take it slowly. One thing at a time. First of all is your health and piece of mind. Once you're back from that appointment with good news and knowing you are okay, then think of the next thing, like telling your father. After your health is taken care of.

My sense is you are a little uncertain with yourself, that you mentioned still struggling with being gay. You might feel better telling your dad at a time when things are more on an upward swing, when you are feeling more happy about life and feeling more secure in who you are. Otherwise it can be extra scary to tell someone as important as a parent. Even when we're all grown up, facing possible disapproval from our parents can be painful, even scary. Unless you really feel that the time needs to be now, I say, consider waiting for a time when you are feeling stronger, and tell him when you are feeling strong.

[elcharrom]

Im right here if u ever need me :D, you dont know me but Id like you to know that I care about you and am here for support :D:love:

[Daniel]

Oh Scott- What a double whammy you are enduring. My heart goes out to you. It's hard finding love and even harder losing it, even for a season. And I pray that all goes well with medical matters. Zerbie is right. Taking things slowly is the way to go. No need to rush, even though this is hard when one is having intense feelings.

You might consider talking to a counselor who can help you deal with things.

I guess what I'm asking is this: do you have a support system? People- other than those here- who you can count on?

If you do. All very well and good. If you don't, reach out before you do anything. It's all to easy to 'isolate' under this kind of circumstance. Please don't fall victim to that. You are not alone.

[dsdrane]

Im right here if u ever need me :D, you dont know me but Id like you to know that I care about you and am here for support :D:love:

Jorge...you're the best.

Thank you for being you.

I'd give you a big kiss and hug...if I were anywhere near Texas, that is.

Scott: please continue to call upon us for love, for support, for fun, for whatever you need. You're a part of our family here...and this is what families do.

God bless, BabyDoll!

[Dash]

Oooff!!! These are tough, hurtin' times for you! :'(:'(

I'm glad you are here to let us know, though...and let us love you...:love::love::love:

:pray::pray::pray::pray::pray::pray::pray:

[pnggrad79]

SJB,
I can't imagine the pain you are dealing with both with bf and your angst over the test results. God is in control my friend and everything will work itself out. I don't know the circumstances of why you and bf were forced apart but I take comfort in knowing that it wasn't something either of you did to cause it. I hope you and your bf are soon reunited and that your test results come back with good news. Know that we are praying for you and that we love you. God Bless You and keep you close during this tough time. :pray:

[sjbouza]

Again, I thank everyone here. If it wasnt for you all I dont know what I would do right now. My bf and I are in sort of a contact without being in contact. It is strange. We both have blogs that we relate our days to one anther in. Reassuring one another that our love is still there for each other. It is hard and I dont know if this is making it any easier. But at least we know that each other is feeling the same pain and sorrow and is safe. We can still share.

I dont want to go into it very much. Basically it boils down to his family doesnt feel that I am the right one for him. I am not the almighty successful person that their son deserves. Threats were made about him losing his family if he decided to stay with me...blah...blah...blah. He isnt in a situation right now where he can afford to lose their support. I am not in a situation where I could support the both of us either. So it comes down to the choice of his family or me. We decided mutually that it was more important at this time for him to have his family. It was the most painful decision that I, and he I am sure, have ever had to make. If were up to me I would have said screw it, come here with me. But I just dont know if at this point that I could support the both of us. Especially, since I have been off work for a month and currently have NO money coming in. I am working with my dad at the music store, but I dont make any money if I dont sell on the net. Needless to say I havent been able to get things going yet. It has only been a month since we have been open and it is going to take time to build that. So that was a major factor in our decision.

His family has this expectation that he should be with who they feel is right for him, not who he chooses to be with. Like I said right now, he (we) just dont have a choice in the matter. Neither of us can afford the consiquences of him losing his family support. And I dont want to be the reason that he does either. He was about to say screw them, but the more we talked about it, the more he realized that this is what we had to do at this moment in time. We are still holding on. We both know that we ARE meant to be together. This is just one of those bumps in the road of life that everyone needs to deal with from time to time. I know we will get through it. I just wish we could find some better way to get through it and be able to do it together.

I tell you when it rains it pours in my life. They say everything comes in threes, but it shouldnt be all at once. On the same day, 9/11, that we had to sever contact I found out that a friend of mine that I use to work with was killed. He fell 6 stories to his death. Then 2 days later anther guy I went to school with hung himself in one of my parents rentals. All of this crap and the possibility that I may have cancer. It is just to much for me to deal with all at once. If I only had him to help me through. OMG...I miss his angelic voice. It could bring me out of any funk that I was feeling. No matter how low I was just the sound of his voice was all it took and I was better.

Of all the times to be "alone", this is probably the worst time in my life. I dont have anyone, outside of all you here, that I can talk to. I put on my "happy face" and go out into the world everyday. But when I get home I am me again. The emptiness is overwhelming. That hole that he filled in my heart is growing bigger and stronger. I know he still loves me and is thinking of me and is hurting just as much as I am. But knowing that just makes it even harder. Knowing that he is unhappy makes me feel even worse. It is a vicious cycle that keeps feeding on itself, growing larger with every turn. I worry that it will become to much for either of us to handle. I am scared for him, I am worried about him. Hell, I am scared for me. I just dont know anymore. The only thing that is keeping me gong right now is the hope of our future together. If I lose that hope, then I lose everything. I just cant stop crying. Fits of tears. I fight them when I am out in the world, but when I get home it all comes out in a painful rage.

I know I am unloading a lot on you all. And I am glad that you all are there for me. Dont get me wrong I do appreciate every word of love and encouragement. But I want, no I NEED HIM!!! I need that person that made me whole. I have never felt the way I do about anyone. I have never felt love like I have felt with him. He made me complete. He was and is the only one that made me an entire being. Without him, I am only a shadow, a fragment of what I am suppose to be. He is the one, the only one.

I need to go for now. I am just getting so depressed. I can barely see the screen through the tears right now. Again, thank you one and all for everything.

Peace and love,
Scott

[Daniel]

Scott-

Is religion involved in anyway? Are they trying to 'change' your guy? I'm just saying......it seems like a very strange this dislike of you. Very odd.

The stuff happening in your life right now sounds very hard to deal with. You just have to hang on- as hard as that sounds right now. And I want to reiterate the idea of talking to someone in the professional sense. I worry about you kiddo- and don't like the thought of you suffering alone at night.

Do you have a flesh and blood person you can talk to? This is really important!

My heart goes out to you! :pray::pray::pray::pray::pray:

[Zerbie]

You Scott,

You can survive this, decide that you will. Being strong doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. You can be strong, hurt for a while, and get through this time. There will be other, different, times in your life - there will be "up" times in the future. This is only for a while.

Right now, when that rage and pain batters you, grab that dragon ? (you did say it was a dragon? the plush friend? Tell me I'm not imagining things and that you have a toy dragon?!) and cuddle that dragon. It's called "self-soothing," developing ways to calm yourself when everything hurts.

Is your guy taking steps to getting free of this "need" for support from his family, a support which I'm guessing is financial? Once he is supporting himself, he won't have to agree to whatever his family tells him he has to do. Both of you are adults. You CAN be independent of family demands if those demands are truly burdensome. If the issue is money, then to get untangled from his family's demands, he needs to support himself without their help.

As for you, starting a new business is one of THE most stressful things in the world. You're starting a business and dealing with this weird quasi-breakup all at the same time. That's a lot.

Reach out in 3D and develop a support network. Think of some friend who you used to enjoy spending time with who you haven't contacted in a while. Give him a call. Do that with a few different friends over the coming weeks, and start getting other people into your everyday life who you can feel good around.

Hang in there. Times will change.
:love:

[sjbouza]

Well, I am doing a little better. Things are getting better. Let me just say that the situation has changed a little bit. I wont go into details and please dont ask. But I think you can figure things out.

Yes, it is financial, the reason he is dependent on his family. Living in NY makes it that way for him at the moment. Lets just say that what others dont know wont hurt us...:rolleyes:;)

Thanks for all your love and support. I am still working tons of hours at the music store. I am still not back to work at the restaurant, and truthfully I dont want to go back. I have a Dr appt for my finger on Wed so I will see if Ihave to go back or I will continue to be off. I am hoping for the latter!!!!!

My Dr appt for the spot on my back is tomorrow. Still nervous about that, but I now have someone to help me through it...:rolleyes:;) No matter what the outcome, I know I will make it now.

It was interesting at the shop today. My dad asked me a question about our music instructor today that threw me for a loop. He asked if I thought he was gay. There have been a few things that have made him wonder about it. He wears a wedding band but isnt married, his "friend" that he moved up here to see calls all the time and asks when he is going to be home, things like that. Now, from about the second time I met this guy that question popped into my head. You see I have like UBER-GAYDAR and it was going crazy. I didnt say much, just that I had a feeling that he might be. Then my dad was like, well that is his choice and it didnt really matter to him. I had the perfect opportunity to say something about me, but I didnt take it. However, I am feeling better about telling him about my sexuality. I know it is going to be a disappointment to him considering I am the last of our bloodline in the US. But at least I know now that he wont disown me over it. I am feeling a little more strength about telling him. I think the time is coming soon. I just wish I could have gotten up the nerve to say something today about it. But maybe it still isnt the right time for me. It will be soon though.

Thanks again one and all. I love you guys a ton!!!!

Peace,
Scott

[Dash]

I've always been one for the "blurt-it-out-suddenly-and-run" method of coming out. :D There's always a moment when you can say something or let the moment go...

I've done both...recently, in fact...but I've never regretted doing the first.

:love:

Chin up, darlin'. It's always good to see you here.:):wave:

[Daniel]

That's one way to get the ball rollling.

And you know what? You can have kids. Your father can have grandchildren. There's nothing to say that you and your beau can't be Dad's- know what I'm saying?

Ever think that maybe your Dad kinda knows and is paving the way for you to tell him?

[sjbouza]

Ever think that maybe your Dad kinda knows and is paving the way for you to tell him?

Yea that thought did cross my mind today...but I still didnt act on it. I wish I would have. Hindsight is 20/20...but it will come up again. I am sure he does know, but it is just having the words come out of my mouth...that is the hard part for me.

[Daniel]

Yea that thought did cross my mind today...but I still didnt act on it. I wish I would have. Hindsight is 20/20...but it will come up again. I am sure he does know, but it is just having the words come out of my mouth...that is the hard part for me.


Well....you've had a lot on you plate lately, haven't you?

Sounds like your Dad could be giving you reasons to feel safe when you decide to tell him. Mine wasn't so gracious. He asked me and I wasn't exactly prepared to deal with it.

Parents can be pretty canny. I bet he knows about your boyfriend, or at least suspects something, even if he can't put it into words, seeing that you have been on an emotional roller-coaster the past few days.

Have you told anyone else in your family? Are you waiting for your Dad to make the first move?

[sjbouza]

Well, I got the news from the Dr today. The spot on my back was cancer. I have to go down to Ann Arbor to the hospital at MSU and have some tests done to see if it has spread and to make sure they go it all. So I am still hanging in the wind right now.

I called my aunt and told her about it. Yea... She is the one that I came out to a few months ago, the religious one. "Maybe this is God telling you that your lifestyle isnt right." GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! :mad::mad: She thinks I need to re-evaluate my life and Gods place in it. She cannot believe that this is the way god created me because the Bible says differently. She cannot believe that the Bible can be interpreted in any other way than what it says. Any other interpretation cannot be of God, it has to be from the devil. You get the picture.

Anyway, I am going on and I will make it. I have love coming in from others and I will not give up. I have a lot of life to live and I want to live it out with the one that I love. So for now I will leave you all with this. Your prayers and love will be much appreciated and needed in this time. Thanks to you all for all you have done thus far. I love each and every one of you!!!

PEACE,
Scott

[u-dog]

Well, I got the news from the Dr today. The spot on my back was cancer. I have to go down to Ann Arbor to the hospital at MSU and have some tests done to see if it has spread and to make sure they go it all. So I am still hanging in the wind right now.

I called my aunt and told her about it. Yea... She is the one that I came out to a few months ago, the religious one. "Maybe this is God telling you that your lifestyle isnt right." GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! :mad::mad: She thinks I need to re-evaluate my life and Gods place in it. She cannot believe that this is the way god created me because the Bible says differently. She cannot believe that the Bible can be interpreted in any other way than what it says. Any other interpretation cannot be of God, it has to be from the devil. You get the picture.

Anyway, I am going on and I will make it. I have love coming in from others and I will not give up. I have a lot of life to live and I want to live it out with the one that I love. So for now I will leave you all with this. Your prayers and love will be much appreciated and needed in this time. Thanks to you all for all you have done thus far. I love each and every one of you!!!

PEACE,
Scott


And all the straight people who get skin cancer? they are closet cases? what? I'm sorry that you got this bad news Scott. You are in my prayers. Keep us informed on this OK? I'm sorry that your aunt thought her ideology was more important than comforting you at a difficult time. I will pray for her too. I'm confident that Jesus will only listen to my GOOD prayers for her and will ignore my BAD ones :mad::love::pray:

[dsdrane]

And all the straight people who get skin cancer? they are closet cases? what? I'm sorry that you got this bad news Scott. You are in my prayers. Keep us informed on this OK? I'm sorry that your aunt thought her ideology was more important than comforting you at a difficult time. I will pray for her too. I'm confident that Jesus will only listen to my GOOD prayers for her and will ignore my BAD ones :mad::love::pray:

Thank God u-dog is who he is.

For better or for worse, I am something different.

Scott, if I could, I would give your aunt a swift kick in the, er, moralities.

Are you kidding me!?!?

Unbelievable...and yet so!

Sigh! I guess try to see that what she is telling you is from "love", despite the fact that she's full of dookie. Oy!

Please don't waste a moment thinking or worrying about her issues; rather take every moment you can to think positively about your own future. Fortunately, skin cancer can be one of the most curable. Focus on that.

My prayers and best wishes are with you...please keep us posted.

:love::love:

[Daniel]

Scott- I'm sorry you got this news. You are in my thoughts and prayers.