Megandy
09-20-2007, 11:06 PM
Hi SoulForce community! I am so glad to be involved in this community. I think this website is a great place for the LGBTQ population to unite!
A quick summary of me:
I grew up in a fundamentalist, far-right, evangelical Christian home. My parents were well-intending, but they taught me that people who participated in homosexual acts were participating in sinful acts, and people who identified themselves as homosexuals were on a one-way street to hell. They used many Bible verses (out of context) for justification of these teachings.
I first recognized that something was different about me when I was 6 years old. I was in a dance recital (the only year that my mom could convince me to not play soccer and take dance lessons!!), and I felt a funny feeling when I saw this certain older girl. Looking back, I realize I was attracted to her, and it was natural! But at the time I felt shameful. I had many more episodes of noticing that I was different, and many more shameful feelings to follow.
I hid my homosexual tendencies well. I was a very devout religious follower, and I participated in homosexual-condemning activities (unfortunately!). I grew up believing that James Dobson was "right on" in his teachings about the family. I actually went to Brazil on a mission trip sponsored by the teen girl's magazine when I was 16 years old.
I never once could bring myself to date a guy, or even try to be come intimate with a guy. I just knew it wasn't what I wanted. But I put a lot of pressure on myself to act like I was interested. That was very hard on my psyche.
Once I grew a little older and came to realize that my homosexual tendencies were not disappearing, I started to really try to "pray the sin away". I became an even more devout Christian, reading my Bible, witnessing to others, participating in church activities, etc. But I was so miserable inside. It was a constant battle of wanting to feel okay about myself but feeling completely condemned by God and by my family and friends and the world.
In college I had hoped that things would get easier because maybe I would find a guy to date, but I never did. In fact, I had my first homosexual experience my Junior year of college. I met a girl via the internet (through a Christian musician's website), and we connected immediately. We chatted and talked on the phone every day from the start of the school year (August). She lived in Colorado, and I really wanted to be near her. We were friends under the premise that we were both good Christians, and both were heterosexual. But we both shared homosexual tendencies, so we would discuss our "struggle" with this "sin", and "help" each other fight the "temptation" to think about homosexual thoughts. I discovered that James Dobson's Focus on the Family has a semester-long educational opportunity that I could get college credit for!! It had classes on the typical things that Focus on the Family stands for. And it was in Colorado! It was the perfect opportunity for me to get closer to my friend, and become a "better" Christian. So, I went to Colorado, experienced the Focus on the Family Institute, and tried to keep my homosexual feelings repressed. Well, my friend and I had a few confusing experiences together, she was more in the closet than I was, and she ended up breaking my heart. After that semester I came back home more confused than ever!
I graduated college, moved back home with my parents (who were at that point in the process of separating and eventually divorcing), and started working for the Billy Graham Evangelical Association! I worked in the accounting department. I continued my life of beating myself up for my homosexual desires, and counter-acting it with more leadership in the church, and more religious activities.
After a year in accounting, I decided that working with numbers wasn't for me and I went to my true passion: counseling. I worked in a therapeutic wilderness camp for troubled adolescent males. I think having the opportunity to get away from the oppression I experienced really made a difference in my life. I went through a "partying" phase where I drank a LOT and socialized a lot. I stopped going to church. And eventually I decided, "hey! I want to date!" So, I put up a personal ad on Yahoo personals, and when it asked me to assign myself as "woman looking for man" or "woman looking for woman" I decided that I was going to just go ahead with what I always knew I wanted!
So, after some turmoil in coming out slowly to some friends and my sister, I started dating. I had one sexual experience and it definitely confirmed things for me. I then met my current partner on the online social community MySpace. We hit it off right from the start! At this point, in regards to religion, I decided that I wasn't sure what God thought about me being gay, but I decided that I would rather go to hell than continue to live a life of hell on earth. So I pretty much just wrote-off the notion of God that I was brought up to believe. But the twist that was thrown in was that my partner is Christian, and practices her Christian beliefs while also being gay! I thought this was a novel idea! So, through conversations, she introduced me to some great materials and a wonderful gay minister who helped point me in the right direction. The gay minister suggested Mel White's book "Stranger at the Gate". I read that book, and sobbed pretty much the entire way through. I was shocked that Mel seemed to have written my life story!!! I was so relieved that I wasn't the only one who survived the evangelical condemnation of my true sexual identity. Mel really confirmed some things for me spiritually, and finally I was at peace with living a gay lifestyle!!
Soon after I met my partner, I came out to the rest of my family, and they did not take it extremely well. I have been out about a year and a half now, and they have definitely all gone through stages. My mom (who's dad was gay most of her life) still believes that my soul is condemned to hell, but she will interact with me and my partner on a daily level... we go to eat at her house often. My dad seems to think that I'm secretly still straight because just last week he tried to hook me up with a guy. He has gone through hatred of my partner, denial of my status, blaming himself, and acceptance. At one point he allowed me and my partner in his house. Now I'm not sure after last week! My brother claims that he is okay with my lifestyle, but he doesn't like my partner. My sister also claims the same thing.
Now I am going to graduate school for social work, and I am enmeshed in the culture of diversity, social justice, and equality. It's great! I get to speak about my experience as an oppressed population, and get lots of support from my fellow classmates and professors. Plus I get to learn how to become a social advocate for the oppressed populations of our society!
So that brings me to why I decided to post this tonight (it's now midnight and I have class at 8 AM tomorrow). I received an email on MySpace from an old acquaintance. He knew he when I was the fundamental Christian in the closet. He saw my MySpace page and clearly saw I am now out. He decided to tell me in a matter-of-fact way that homosexuality is just about sex and lust, and that for that reason gay relationships don't last. He also decided to tell me that heterosexual relationships "tend to last longer" because they are under God, and even when people aren't happy in heterosexual relationships, they still stay together because they are committed to each other. Needless to say, I was shocked that he could have such a skewed viewpoint!!! I replied to him by pointing out a few facts... such as the divorce rate in America?! I gave a few things for him to ponder on, but asked him not to email me again if he was just going to condemn me.
And that's why I'm here at SoulForce. I am very passionate about advocating for social justice for LGBTQ populations. I wish there was some way to educate the fundamental religious right about the true nature of gays! I wish there was some way that we could promote change. And I also wonder how many people grow up hating themselves like I did because I knew I was gay. I wonder how many people continue to suffer instead of coming out like I did. I wish I could help those people. I plan to try!
So, if you read this entire thing, thanks! I'm glad you were interested in getting to know me! Please feel free to email me with your story, or reply on the thread, or maybe we'll chat somewhere else in the forum! Like I said in the beginning, I am thrilled to be here in this community where faith and LGBTQ people can come together!!!
-Megan
A quick summary of me:
I grew up in a fundamentalist, far-right, evangelical Christian home. My parents were well-intending, but they taught me that people who participated in homosexual acts were participating in sinful acts, and people who identified themselves as homosexuals were on a one-way street to hell. They used many Bible verses (out of context) for justification of these teachings.
I first recognized that something was different about me when I was 6 years old. I was in a dance recital (the only year that my mom could convince me to not play soccer and take dance lessons!!), and I felt a funny feeling when I saw this certain older girl. Looking back, I realize I was attracted to her, and it was natural! But at the time I felt shameful. I had many more episodes of noticing that I was different, and many more shameful feelings to follow.
I hid my homosexual tendencies well. I was a very devout religious follower, and I participated in homosexual-condemning activities (unfortunately!). I grew up believing that James Dobson was "right on" in his teachings about the family. I actually went to Brazil on a mission trip sponsored by the teen girl's magazine when I was 16 years old.
I never once could bring myself to date a guy, or even try to be come intimate with a guy. I just knew it wasn't what I wanted. But I put a lot of pressure on myself to act like I was interested. That was very hard on my psyche.
Once I grew a little older and came to realize that my homosexual tendencies were not disappearing, I started to really try to "pray the sin away". I became an even more devout Christian, reading my Bible, witnessing to others, participating in church activities, etc. But I was so miserable inside. It was a constant battle of wanting to feel okay about myself but feeling completely condemned by God and by my family and friends and the world.
In college I had hoped that things would get easier because maybe I would find a guy to date, but I never did. In fact, I had my first homosexual experience my Junior year of college. I met a girl via the internet (through a Christian musician's website), and we connected immediately. We chatted and talked on the phone every day from the start of the school year (August). She lived in Colorado, and I really wanted to be near her. We were friends under the premise that we were both good Christians, and both were heterosexual. But we both shared homosexual tendencies, so we would discuss our "struggle" with this "sin", and "help" each other fight the "temptation" to think about homosexual thoughts. I discovered that James Dobson's Focus on the Family has a semester-long educational opportunity that I could get college credit for!! It had classes on the typical things that Focus on the Family stands for. And it was in Colorado! It was the perfect opportunity for me to get closer to my friend, and become a "better" Christian. So, I went to Colorado, experienced the Focus on the Family Institute, and tried to keep my homosexual feelings repressed. Well, my friend and I had a few confusing experiences together, she was more in the closet than I was, and she ended up breaking my heart. After that semester I came back home more confused than ever!
I graduated college, moved back home with my parents (who were at that point in the process of separating and eventually divorcing), and started working for the Billy Graham Evangelical Association! I worked in the accounting department. I continued my life of beating myself up for my homosexual desires, and counter-acting it with more leadership in the church, and more religious activities.
After a year in accounting, I decided that working with numbers wasn't for me and I went to my true passion: counseling. I worked in a therapeutic wilderness camp for troubled adolescent males. I think having the opportunity to get away from the oppression I experienced really made a difference in my life. I went through a "partying" phase where I drank a LOT and socialized a lot. I stopped going to church. And eventually I decided, "hey! I want to date!" So, I put up a personal ad on Yahoo personals, and when it asked me to assign myself as "woman looking for man" or "woman looking for woman" I decided that I was going to just go ahead with what I always knew I wanted!
So, after some turmoil in coming out slowly to some friends and my sister, I started dating. I had one sexual experience and it definitely confirmed things for me. I then met my current partner on the online social community MySpace. We hit it off right from the start! At this point, in regards to religion, I decided that I wasn't sure what God thought about me being gay, but I decided that I would rather go to hell than continue to live a life of hell on earth. So I pretty much just wrote-off the notion of God that I was brought up to believe. But the twist that was thrown in was that my partner is Christian, and practices her Christian beliefs while also being gay! I thought this was a novel idea! So, through conversations, she introduced me to some great materials and a wonderful gay minister who helped point me in the right direction. The gay minister suggested Mel White's book "Stranger at the Gate". I read that book, and sobbed pretty much the entire way through. I was shocked that Mel seemed to have written my life story!!! I was so relieved that I wasn't the only one who survived the evangelical condemnation of my true sexual identity. Mel really confirmed some things for me spiritually, and finally I was at peace with living a gay lifestyle!!
Soon after I met my partner, I came out to the rest of my family, and they did not take it extremely well. I have been out about a year and a half now, and they have definitely all gone through stages. My mom (who's dad was gay most of her life) still believes that my soul is condemned to hell, but she will interact with me and my partner on a daily level... we go to eat at her house often. My dad seems to think that I'm secretly still straight because just last week he tried to hook me up with a guy. He has gone through hatred of my partner, denial of my status, blaming himself, and acceptance. At one point he allowed me and my partner in his house. Now I'm not sure after last week! My brother claims that he is okay with my lifestyle, but he doesn't like my partner. My sister also claims the same thing.
Now I am going to graduate school for social work, and I am enmeshed in the culture of diversity, social justice, and equality. It's great! I get to speak about my experience as an oppressed population, and get lots of support from my fellow classmates and professors. Plus I get to learn how to become a social advocate for the oppressed populations of our society!
So that brings me to why I decided to post this tonight (it's now midnight and I have class at 8 AM tomorrow). I received an email on MySpace from an old acquaintance. He knew he when I was the fundamental Christian in the closet. He saw my MySpace page and clearly saw I am now out. He decided to tell me in a matter-of-fact way that homosexuality is just about sex and lust, and that for that reason gay relationships don't last. He also decided to tell me that heterosexual relationships "tend to last longer" because they are under God, and even when people aren't happy in heterosexual relationships, they still stay together because they are committed to each other. Needless to say, I was shocked that he could have such a skewed viewpoint!!! I replied to him by pointing out a few facts... such as the divorce rate in America?! I gave a few things for him to ponder on, but asked him not to email me again if he was just going to condemn me.
And that's why I'm here at SoulForce. I am very passionate about advocating for social justice for LGBTQ populations. I wish there was some way to educate the fundamental religious right about the true nature of gays! I wish there was some way that we could promote change. And I also wonder how many people grow up hating themselves like I did because I knew I was gay. I wonder how many people continue to suffer instead of coming out like I did. I wish I could help those people. I plan to try!
So, if you read this entire thing, thanks! I'm glad you were interested in getting to know me! Please feel free to email me with your story, or reply on the thread, or maybe we'll chat somewhere else in the forum! Like I said in the beginning, I am thrilled to be here in this community where faith and LGBTQ people can come together!!!
-Megan