Body Image

[antiochian]

This may seem like a childish and self-centered subject, but as a gay man this is something I really struggle with. I wouldn't know the experiences of lesbians or other sexual identity/orientation groups, but I get the impression (especially from the bars, which I stay away from) that gay male culture is extremely into having the perfect body, perfect looks, and so on. I go into those places feeling like Quasimoto (did i spell that right?).

I keep promising myself I'll start eating better, excercising more vigorously, get myself in better shape, you folks know how it goes. Then maybe more men will give me a second look, etc., etc.

I'm a little overweight and am tremendously jealous of the skinny and fit young (and some older) men who in my mind have no clue what it's like to hate how you look. They are also the ones it seems who get the men. When a couple of people mentioned their attraction to me recently (one a bisexual female), I was in shock and disbelief.

I guess what I'm getting at is a couple of things. How do LGBT folks deal with body image issues (I know I can't be alone). Secondly, if you're one of those who always seems to be invisible or get rejected, how do you handle that? It's basically more about self-esteem than looks. I'll shut up now and look forward to any insights you may have.

[BrentRichards]

You are FAR from alone ... I am also one of those who, when complimented on my looks, as I occasionally am, says "Yeah, right." I do think it's a common problem among people in general, but perhaps more pronounced in the gay male community, as you correctly observe the value placed on thin and young (translated under 25) in "the scene." I often think "Oh, to have come out when I was still young and pretty ..." but the fact is, when I was young, I don't remember thinking of myself as pretty, even though I had like 0% body fat and a nice swimmers build (give me a moment to mourn my lost youth here) ... I think you are correct that this is a mind issue more than a body issue. The only practical feedback I can give is to be careful how you talk to yourself. If you allow yourself the luxury of telling yourself "I'm fat" ... you'll be sure to believe it, and own it.

I was totally STUNNED at the first guy who took a real romantic interest in me after I came out. I considered him WAY "out of my league" ... and I've often joked that my "type" is "guys who aren't into me." Again, the "scene" feeds this insecurity. Fact is, what I'm looking for (and I suspect what you're looking for) has very little to do with the physical. And, fact is, the men of quality out there know the same to be true for them ... the old saying goes "Kissin' don't last, but cookin' do." Hold out for quality.

That being said, I struggle with this constantly. I waffle back and forth from determination to get back in shape, to not caring, to feeling kinda confident, to mourning my youthful build, to ... so, if nothing else, I commisserate, my friend!

[u-dog]

You are FAR from alone ... I am also one of those who, when complimented on my looks, as I occasionally am, says "Yeah, right." I do think it's a common problem among people in general, but perhaps more pronounced in the gay male community, as you correctly observe the value placed on thin and young (translated under 25) in "the scene." I often think "Oh, to have come out when I was still young and pretty ..." but the fact is, when I was young, I don't remember thinking of myself as pretty, even though I had like 0% body fat and a nice swimmers build (give me a moment to mourn my lost youth here) ... I think you are correct that this is a mind issue more than a body issue. The only practical feedback I can give is to be careful how you talk to yourself. If you allow yourself the luxury of telling yourself "I'm fat" ... you'll be sure to believe it, and own it.

I was totally STUNNED at the first guy who took a real romantic interest in me after I came out. I considered him WAY "out of my league" ... and I've often joked that my "type" is "guys who aren't into me." Again, the "scene" feeds this insecurity. Fact is, what I'm looking for (and I suspect what you're looking for) has very little to do with the physical. And, fact is, the men of quality out there know the same to be true for them ... the old saying goes "Kissin' don't last, but cookin' do." Hold out for quality.

That being said, I struggle with this constantly. I waffle back and forth from determination to get back in shape, to not caring, to feeling kinda confident, to mourning my youthful build, to ... so, if nothing else, I commisserate, my friend!

Ok Brentster! This SO PISSES ME OFF! Granted, I have never met you in person. maybe you don't bathe and you pick your nose and flick the boogers...I don't know, but I DON"T THINK SO. I've seen your picture. And I have come to know your amazing heart, mind, and spirit. You are funny and smart and compassionate and caring and a Calvinist. if men are not lining up at your door ITS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT LETTING THEM SOMEHOW!!

And you need to stop it!! Two words buddy:


BIG EDEN :cool:

[BrentRichards]

Ok Brentster! This SO PISSES ME OFF! Granted, I have never met you in person. maybe you don't bathe and you pick your nose and flick the boogers...I don't know, but I DON"T THINK SO. I've seen your picture. And I have come to know your amazing heart, mind, and spirit. You are funny and smart and compassionate and caring and a Calvinist. if men are not lining up at your door ITS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT LETTING THEM SOMEHOW!!

And you need to stop it!! Two words buddy:


BIG EDEN :cool:

Ok, did I come across sounding hopeless? I didn't mean to ... I really meant, yeah, me too ... this is just real to me, I know the feeling. I'm not owned by it, but I know it.

As to me not letting the men line up at my door, I'll give that some thought ... you may be right.

[dsdrane]

As a dorky, yet sweet, kid from Maine, who moved to NYC after college and who lived in the epicenter of the East-Coast gay scene (West Village and Chelsea) for years, I can tell you it ain't all it's cracked up to be -- either from the positive or negative viewpoint.

There are ugly people who are vacuous, and there are pretty people who are deep...beware: stereotyping can be a boomerang.

Yes, if one only takes note of The Gays on TV, in print media, in movies, etc., you would get the same sort of warped view of "the community" as a straight woman would get of her side of the universe only reading Cosmo and Vogue.

The trick is to finally leave high school. Many never do. Do your thing; enjoy your life on your terms, and I guarantee there are someones out there who will find that and you attractive.

If I learned nothing else during my time in my gay meccas it's that there is someone out there for everybody.

;):agree::cool:

[keltic63]

I've got a few things to say about this: BE CAREFUL!

In addition to not dealing with my own orientation, sublimating it, and feeling like I had no control over my life, another reason I ended up with an eating disorder (anorexia) as I approached 40 was because I also bought into the idea that only built (muscled) or skinny (twinks) men are what other men are interested in. At some point, I know I had a decent body, a nice balance of muscle and lowered bodyfat, but that ended up not being enough, and soon I found myself sitting in an eating disorders clinic at a local psychiatric hospital. I still have some struggles with the weight issues and inappropriate behaviors. A red flag went up just yesterday for me: I've been trying to lose 10 pounds, by exercising and eating right, which is working. I got on the scale yesterday and I did not like the number, and I found it dictating my mood for the day. THIS is a big problem for me. It's a behavior I had to work on in counselling, and I find I still have to work on it.

All that said, what I have discovered since recovering from the ED, is that men have attractions to different kinds of men, or different physical characteristics. My bf and I were out at a bar one night, and a very thin guy was flirting with us, and we made some self-deprecating remark about having a 'belly" and his frank reply was "I like a little belly". That actually got me to thinking about what I like in a man, what I find attractive physically, and whether the physical is a "must have" on my list.


I don't like a skinny, smooth twink.
I like a hairy chest and some muscle.
I don't like long hair.
I actually like shaved heads.
I really don't care for the look that seems to be required for admission to most gay bars. I now know that if there are certain physical attributes that attract me to someone, that others must some preferences too. we're not all the same, and we're not all going to be attracted to the same kind of person.

my advice: exercise because it's good for your health. it also builds your confidence and makes you feel better. I haven't lost much of those 10 pounds, but I feel better since I've increased the exercise, and the clothes fit better too. concentrating on the number on the scale can steal that feeling. Recognize that just as you have certain things that attract you, other men do too, and you may possess those qualities that they are looking for. Finally, the physical may attract them, but the spiritual/personality is what keeps them. I've met people who are beautiful on the outside, but their personalities make them repulsive. Just the same, some of the homeliest people I've met have become the most beautiful people to me, because of what is on the inside.

you want to lose weight? fine, do it for you, not for whom you might attract.

[Pablo Rafael]

I think "body image" is really all about what a person thinks of him/herself. Each person needs to be comfortable with who they are.

At the same time there are a lot of factors that a person does have control over. Like the old saying, we need courage to change about ourselves what we can and be content with what we can't. Weight and muscle tone are two of things a person does have control over. I have a natural tendency to pack on the pounds. When I turned 40, I looked at the other overweight, out-of-shape guys my age and said, "Not going to happen to you." I made it a goal to lose weight and get in good shape. Now six years later keeping in shape is more of a habit than anything, and I miss exercise and working out if I don't do it. I try to keep in shape more for myself than to impress anyone. (And face it, when a guy gets to be middle-aged, it's darn hard to impress people.)

And who decides who is "perfect looking"? Everyone has different standards. What really makes a perfect guy in my book is someone who is kind, compassionate, intelligent, funny, with a strong Christian faith and who wants to be with me. Good looks come from within.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Zerbie]

This may seem like a childish and self-centered subject, but as a gay man this is something I really struggle with. I wouldn't know the experiences of lesbians or other sexual identity/orientation groups, but I get the impression (especially from the bars, which I stay away from) that gay male culture is extremely into having the perfect body, perfect looks, and so on. I go into those places feeling like Quasimoto (did i spell that right?).

I keep promising myself I'll start eating better, excercising more vigorously, get myself in better shape, you folks know how it goes. Then maybe more men will give me a second look, etc., etc.

I'm a little overweight and am tremendously jealous of the skinny and fit young (and some older) men who in my mind have no clue what it's like to hate how you look. They are also the ones it seems who get the men. When a couple of people mentioned their attraction to me recently (one a bisexual female), I was in shock and disbelief.

It's basically more about self-esteem than looks. I'll shut up now and look forward to any insights you may have.

You're right, it IS more about self-perception than about what your body actually looks like.

Stop being shocked when people find you cute. I looked at your profile picture, and you ARE cute. Oh and - btw, you are still very young!!

Now, body-image problems are quickly becoming ubiquitous. But life is not about what someone LOOKS like. It's about who we ARE and what we do. Take care of your body because you have to live with it for your entire life. Dave's advice is excellent. Exercise to feel well, to feel vibrant and strong and really alive - to love being in your body from the inside.

When someone is really happy and confident to inhabit their body, that is sexy. Man, is it sexy! Confidence is very sexy. You have so much to offer - and you're looking for someone with as much to offer in return, so it's not about what the outside looks like. It's about letting the joy and passion that are inside be seen by those who care to look at what's really there. Those shallow guys aren't the ones you want, because who would want to be stuck spending a lifetime with Mr Shallow?


You are FAR from alone ... I am also one of those who, when complimented on my looks, as I occasionally am, says "Yeah, right."

I was totally STUNNED at the first guy who took a real romantic interest in me after I came out. I considered him WAY "out of my league" ... and I've often joked that my "type" is "guys who aren't into me." Again, the "scene" feeds this insecurity. Fact is, what I'm looking for (and I suspect what you're looking for) has very little to do with the physical. And, fact is, the men of quality out there know the same to be true for them ... the old saying goes "Kissin' don't last, but cookin' do." Hold out for quality.



Ah Brent. sigh. I saw your picture. You are a total hottie, so get over it.



Yes, if one only takes note of The Gays on TV, in print media, in movies, etc., you would get the same sort of warped view of "the community" as a straight woman would get of her side of the universe only reading Cosmo and Vogue.

:lol: So true! What an apt comparison!!

The trick is to finally leave high school. Many never do. Do your thing; enjoy your life on your terms, and I guarantee there are someones out there who will find that and you attractive.

If I learned nothing else during my time in my gay meccas it's that there is someone out there for everybody.

;):agree::cool:

Wise words. So true about some people just never growing up beyond high school. :o




my advice: exercise because it's good for your health. it also builds your confidence and makes you feel better. I haven't lost much of those 10 pounds, but I feel better since I've increased the exercise, and the clothes fit better too. concentrating on the number on the scale can steal that feeling. Recognize that just as you have certain things that attract you, other men do too, and you may possess those qualities that they are looking for. Finally, the physical may attract them, but the spiritual/personality is what keeps them. I've met people who are beautiful on the outside, but their personalities make them repulsive. Just the same, some of the homeliest people I've met have become the most beautiful people to me, because of what is on the inside.

you want to lose weight? fine, do it for you, not for whom you might attract.

So right, Keltic!

You guys are awesome!

I can think of nothing to add. Except one of mantras: Confidence is sexy.

[Zerbie]

I try to keep in shape more for myself than to impress anyone. (And face it, when a guy gets to be middle-aged, it's darn hard to impress people.)

Pablo

B*llsh*t! Men look their sexiest once they're past 40. RRRrrrrrrr! :love:

[paul]

hey,
thanks everyone for posting on this. I too have always been insecure about my body.
I can't think of anything new to say. I know u-dog is so right about his niece and nephew example. Everyone, EVERYONE wants to be loved. I can think of no greater aphrodisiac than to be willing to spend ourselves and truly care about another, to go first. There's something magic about loving a person, it empowers them to love.
"...we [can?] love because he first loved us"

[u-dog]

What really makes a perfect guy in my book is someone who is kind, compassionate, intelligent, funny, with a strong Christian faith and who wants to be with me. Good looks come from within.



Two words: "Big Eden" :cool:

[antiochian]

You all are just bursting with wisdom!!! Thanks for the great responses, I'd hug you symbolically by wrapping my arms around the monitor, but people in the library might think I'm a little strange. :D :love:

[Emproph]

1. yes, men are more visually stimulated than women are and that IS goingto be a factor in gay dating. But don't go to extremes with that. its also about how a person presents themselves. I have a niece who every believes is a total babe. But if you look at each individual componant of her body and face they are all ordinary and in some cases... not perfect... at all. But when she walks into a room and flashes her confident smile and looks at you like you are the only person in the room and asks you how you've been like she really cares (which she does actually) You are dazzled. You never get a chance to realize that she's flat chested and her nose is too big. she convinces you immediately that she is beautiful. This is about charisma and confidence and genuine connection with others. Her husband is the same way. he's short, skinny and balding fast! he never gives you a minute to figure any of that out. He draws you in to the enchantment before you know whats happening. A person who approaches the world with "You really wouldn't want to date me would you?" as a pick up line isn't going to do well. So thing one is. Yes, looks are important but attitude and confidence and presence is more important.

Does any of this help?
Yes, very much so u-dog, thank you. I’m going to print that out, have it framed and replace my bathroom mirror with it. Finally I can stop planning on exercising!

Fact is, what I'm looking for (and I suspect what you're looking for) has very little to do with the physical. And, fact is, the men of quality out there know the same to be true for them ... the old saying goes "Kissin' don't last, but cookin' do." Hold out for quality.
I wasn’t attracted to the first guy I became interested in. But once I got to know him, I realized it was the intellectual stimulation / compatibility that attracted me most to him. We were NEVER bored. I used to have 8 hour phone conversations with that man - and some of you know how philosophical I can get sometimes, so imagine those!

I now know that if there are certain physical attributes that attract me to someone, that others must some preferences too. we're not all the same, and we're not all going to be attracted to the same kind of person.
One thing I’ve noticed too, is that at least for me, there’s such a thing as too good looking, like to the point where it’s distracting. It’s like they’re a work of art or something that must be preserved for posterity. I just want to take their head and have it bronzed, and then put it in a revolving display case in my living room. Boy wouldn’t that be the conversation starter! :lol:

Stop being shocked when people find you cute. I looked at your profile picture, and you ARE cute. Oh and - btw, you are still very young!!
Agreed. Yeah, you’ve got a nice face. Nice smile, nice teeth, and the goatee thing is working for ya. :cool: :tup:

Now, body-image problems are quickly becoming ubiquitous.
Also agreed. Check out Faith Hill, before and after images (http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do?diaryId=2338) of magazine photo (not that you want to look like her - but even if you did...:D) It flicks back and forth so you really get the effect of the difference.

[Alecto]

The one thing I've learned, about myself and others, is that no matter WHAT you look like, there's someone who's into your "type". There are people who think that you are the hottest man alive. That said, it does take at least a little confidence. (I'm barely one to talk, most of the time, because I do tend towards the shy end of the spectrum).

This is something I've learned from within the "scene"; it all comes down to finding the (admittedly, sometimes few) people within said scene that aren't horrible people.

[scott snedeker]

This may be inappropriate but You have a very handsome sexy mug!!!! Damn!!!;)

I see it. And if I do so do others! The trick is for you to be convinced that this is not a conspiracy of strangers to convince you of it. That it is infact true!:cool:

[u-dog]

This may be inappropriate but You have a very handsome sexy mug!!!! Damn!!!;)

I see it. And if I do so do others! The trick is for you to be convinced that this is not a conspiracy of strangers to convince you of it. That it is infact true!:cool:

Let me say in public what I said to jeff in a PM. I looked at the photo in his Public profile and if Jeff IS the person behind that Smile... he's got NOTHING to worry about. Lots of quality men are going to find him attractive! Go forth and BE THE PERSON WHO OWNS THAT SMILE !!

[Daniel]

This sounds absurdly egoistic, but I was hired for my looks. Didn't quite understand this at the time (I was 28- and a bit naive- and am closing in on 50), but that's what I was told. I sing in a professional opera chorus. Voice was part of the package as well the previous person's costumes were my size. I fit the 'slot'.

That said, I never have thought of myself as handsome. It's only now- when I look back at pictures of myself in my 20's and 30's that I think- God- that man was good looking. And like David (dsdrane), living in an urban area, you realize that everything we are fed about looks isn't what it's cracked up to be. For one thing: I've noticed that younger men don't seem to be buying into the whole 'muscle' thing as much as my generation did. I think that's a good thing. And I see a lot more guys carrying yoga mats to class somewhere.

Funny thing is- we don't see ourselves as others see us. Same thing is true for singers. They don't hear themselves as others do. It takes time to become 'objective', and 'see' what one has. And whatever assets one does have- be they inner or outer- it behooves one to make the most of them. Everything is temporal. Squandering one's talents because of some weird false modestly is just plain stupid. And the smart magazine cover boy learns to do something besides stand and model.

Looks fade. I know my face is sliding. And yeah- while I go to the gym and work out, I find that it helps my head a lot more than it does how I look, though it does help that certainly.

Everything falls away in the end. But hopefully, love and compassion remains, for oneself and others. I older I get, I believe it's the only Real Thing.

[dsdrane]

B*llsh*t! Men look their sexiest once they're past 40. RRRrrrrrrr! :love:


Darn tootin'!

[u-dog]

Whenever someone starts a thread with "this may sound silly" or "this may be immature.." or "this may be shallow..." that it... NEVER IS. This thread started that way and it has evoked some amazing thoughts and perspectives that I KNOW are helpful to EVERYONE here. Kinda funny isn't it? :confused:

[Zerbie]

That said, I never have thought of myself as handsome. .

Are you nuts? :lol:

Ya'll, this is like, THE forum for beautiful men. Lookswise too, but much better than that - ya'll are complete beauties in the ways that last.

[u-dog]

Are you nuts? :lol:

Ya'll, this is like, THE forum for beautiful men. Lookswise too, but much better than that - ya'll are complete beauties in the ways that last.

Yeah... but you're a girl! girls have x-ray vision. ;)

[Zerbie]

[QUOTE=u-dog;43072]Yeah... but you're a girl! girls have x-ray vision. ;)

How do you know I'm not bi-gendered?
:lol: (I dunno, just bein' silly)

And no, it's not X-ray vision, it's the ability to see what is clearly and obviously there. Those shallow guys are BLIND, that's what.

[antiochian]

Somebody also mentioned something about stereotyping which was very true. It is just as wrong to judge beautiful people. There are some gorgeous men (and no doubt gorgeous women!) who have hearts of gold, and there are some not-so-blessed people who are the most arrogant suckers--think they're God's gift to men/women.

I imagine there are few humans who have lived who haven't found something about themselves to criticize--too heavy, too thin, too tall/short, crooked teeth, cloven hooves, whatever.

And the person who said looks aren't forever is right! No matter how much you spend on plastic surgery or anti-aging pills and cremes, you're gonna get old! At 90, Pamela Anderson's modeling career may slow down a bit.

God bless all.